Team Universe
by finalhour0
Summary: The Crystal Gems aren't the only ones who protect humanity. Nine 'specialized' individuals have been honorary members of their crew since 1972. It's time for you to meet the team once again, but now they have a new addition. I can't foresee this ending well.
1. Chapter 1

Team Universe

Steven Universe and Team Fortress 2 crossover, because why not?

Synopsis: At the tender age of six months old Steven loses his father, Greg Universe, as a result of a car crash. Now that the young half-Gem has no father, the Team Fortress crew takes up the mantle of training Steven to be a respectable member of society. Why and how is the crew of Team Fortress connected to the Gems? You'll have to find out.

 **This is my very first fanfic, so please leave a review! Criticism is welcome, but please be gentle. If there's a problem, bring it to my attention with the least amount of flame possible.**

 **Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or locations portrayed in this work; all characters and concepts belong to their original owners. Cover art belongs to the amazing Ace Florins.**

 _ **Now loading... epsd_gemglow**_

A curly-haired boy walked through the beach with a small freezer clutched in his grasp, humming a tune along his way. The boy wore a short-sleeved, red t-shirt emblazoned with a large, five-pointed star in the center. His light-blue jeans had the cuffs rolled up above his ankles to avoid picking up sand as he trudged through the small dunes in his pink flip-flops. He was rather short, and had a small amount of pudge that cleverly disguised his moderately impressive muscle layer. This boy's name was Steven Quartz Universe, and he was no ordinary human child. As Steven progressed he sighed to himself.

"Oh Cookie Cat," Steven lamented as he lovingly caressed the freezer in his grasp. "You were not long for this world, but you will live on in the spirit of delicious ice cream treats of the world, with your delicious crunchy cookie outside and your icy creamy insides." His voice dropped to a whisper, "Lion Lickers can never hope to be _half_ as good as you were…"

Steven quit his reverie to the most amazing ice cream treat that ever graced the planet to climb the stairs that led to his home; a small beach house set in the partially-decayed statue of a giant, multi-armed woman. Once he reached the porch, he briefly set the freezer down to open the screen door.

The young boy was greeted with the sight of a man-shaped figure hefting a fire axe over its head, staring down on a creature that looked like a dog-sized green centipede. As Steven watched, the man-like creature swiftly chopped down, burying half of the axe head into the centipede's abdomen. The centipede released a terrified and pained screech before exploding into small clouds of lime-green dust. The man-creature grunted and tore its axe from where it had embedded into the wooden floorboards with inhuman strength. It then turned towards the door and, despite the sunny summer day, appeared as if its face was shrouded in shadow-if you could call a fire mask that covered the being's entire head its face. The creature hunched over slightly, wearing a full-body asbestos suit that was colored a crimson red. Heavy asbestos gloves and boots covered the being's hands and feet so that no amount of the creature's body was visible. Strapped to its chest was a bandolier of canisters that looked very much like grenades. On its back was a large, airtight canister labeled with 'WARNING!', FLAMABLE GAS!' and 'DANGER!'. The creature huffed out labored breaths from its filter as it stared at Steven through its dark, empty goggles. It adjusted its grip on the fire axe.

Steven smiled wide, "Hey Pyro!"

The creature straightened its back, allowing the light to touch its black mask and chase away the shadows. 'Pyro' raised one of its hands and waved lightly at Steven. "Hrrro Strrvnnn!" It said/mumbled cheerfully.

Pyro swiftly turned and swung his axe at another centipede creature that had jumped at him, screeching. The head of the axe cleaved the creature right through the middle, causing it to cry out in torment and turn to dust much like its brother.

Steven was ecstatic. "Wicked! What are these things?!"

"Cnnntrprrtrrs." Pyro responded brightly before turning back to Steven and pointing to the freezer next to the boy. "Nrrrd hmph mmph thht?"

Steven waves him off. "No, I've got it, thanks though!" He picks up the freezer and walks through the screen door-which Pyro holds open-and into the main room of the house.

" _Hissssssssssssss!_ "

"Waaah!"

Unfortunately for Steven a centipeetle had crawled onto the ceiling and had been waiting for a moment to drop down and attack. Noticing a weaker target, the centipeetle abandoned its original, primitive plan to strike the masked warrior that had killed its brothers in favor of the smaller being. It leapt down and attached to Steven's face.

Before Pyro could react, a sharp crack split the air. A rhinestone-encrusted whip lashed out and encircled the centipeetle. One swift yank later and the centipeetle went flying into the grasp of a short, stocky woman with purple skin and long white hair.

"'Sup, Steven?" The woman said, holding the struggling creature in her grasp.

"Amethyst!" The boy replied, in both relief and happiness, before looking around. Steven noticed a small amount of the centipeetles loitering around the slightly-damaged house. "Wow, there must have been a ton of these things…"

A centipeetle dropped from the ceiling a few feet away from Steven, with another person landing on top of it and swiftly dispatching it with a few swings of his metal bat. The person stood up once the centipeetle was dust and straightened the baseball cap on his head.

"Sorry, little man," He said to Steven with a slight Boston accent, "We'll clear out these bugs real quick. P and hardhat think they're trying to get into the Temple for some reason." The man then noticed the centipeetle in Amethyst's grip and grinned. "Yo, Amy! Gimme a pitch!" He settled into a batter's stance.

Amethyst grinned as well and balled up the centipeetle in her grip. "Coming in low and fast, Scout!" She laughed as she wound up the pitch and chucked the creature at a blindingly fast speed.

Scout, who was used to Amethyst's antics and not at all fazed by the speed of the pitch, hit the 'ball' right at the sweet spot on the bat. This caused the 'ball' to barrel into a line of centipeetles, slamming them against the far wall and turning them to dust.

"Line drive!" Scout and Amethyst proclaimed loudly.

"Awesome!" Steven said, stars in his eyes, before sobering and looking down at one of the nearby centipeetles. "But you don't have to get rid of 'em. They're actually pretty cool."

The centipeetle Steven was observing spat a stream of acid that began to slowly dissolve the wooden floor. Amethyst grimaced in response and quickly crushed the bug underfoot. "No can do, Ste-man, these things are gonna be _big_ trouble if they manage to get into the Temple."

"Yeah, we can't let them get into the Fortress either." Scout said, as he looked over the dust left behind by the centipeetle. "Ain't these things supposed to leave a gem behind?"

Amethyst shrugs. "Iunno, maybe they're not real gem monsters?"

"Thhn thht mmnns thrrrs mm mmuhhtrr nrrrbrr." Pyro supplied as he took out a centipeetle that thought it could sneak up behind him. "Wrr shrrd trrr thh mddrs."

At this, Steven looked around the room once more, suddenly noticing how empty it was of people. "Hey, where's everyone else?"

"Pearl and Garnet went to check out the Temple to make sure none of these guys snuck in…" Amethyst said as she poofed another centipeetle with her whip. "And Engie took everyone else to check out the Fortress. We were left behind to guard the house."

"Hardhat was thinking that they could've tunneled underground to try and get to the Temple." Scout elaborated. "These things would've ended up at our place instead." When he saw the slight look of concern on Steven's face, Scout gave a warm smile. "Don't worry about 'em Steven; Engie's defense system could take these things out easy-peasy if they managed to break in. They'll be back before you know it."

As if on cue, there was the sound of an electric door activating from the back of the house. Everyone turned and watched as the dual-locking armored door's latches slid apart as the door split in half. This admitted seven individuals into the rest of the house. At the forefront of this crowd, there was a fairly short man in a hardhat, goggles and overalls messing with some sort of tablet clutched in one hand.

"Alright fellas, I set the defense system on high alert; don't worry, none of those things tunneled through, and it might be a while before they even try, but it's better to be safe than sorry. How're things holding up here?" The hard-hatted man said with a country twang in his voice. He looked up to the three exterminators.

"We took care of the little guys here no problem, Engie." Scout boasted; Amethyst nodded smugly next to him. "Nothin' more than squishing some bugs."

"Then good job, guys. I guess Garnet and Pearl are still…" The hard-hatted man's gaze fell on Steven. He smiled. "Well hey there little guy, back so soon?"

"Yeah," Steven replied, still full of amazement and energy. "But I'm glad I came home when I did, otherwise I would've missed all this!" He spread his arms and indicated around the room.

One of the men behind 'Engie' stepped forward, his great size and weight making the expertly constructed floorboards groan ever so slightly. A long chain of bullets circled his body and came over his shoulder. Like all of the other men in the room, he was wearing red (his large shirt was entirely red). He walked up to Steven and looked at the child with a scrutinizing gaze.

"You are not hurt?" The large man rumbled, his voice carrying a heavy Russian accent.

Nearby, Amethyst and Scout rolled their eyes. "Come _ooooooon_ big guy, d'you really think we'd let Steven get hurt by these things?" Amethyst complained.

"I do not zink Heavy is insulting your ability to keep Steven out of danger," A tall man in a red-and-white doctor's coat said with a German accent, "Rather, he expressing concern over the fact that Steven vas in a dangerous setting. It vould be quite easy for something stupid to happen and for Steven to get hurt." The German adjusted a small set of spectacles perched on his nose.

"A centipeetle fell on my face!" Steven proclaimed.

The German looked at Amethyst dryly. "You see?"

Amethyst huffed in response and Scout chuckled to himself. "Alright, Medic."

"It didn't hurt though," Steven elaborated, not wanting to see some sort of argument erupt. "It mostly just surprised me."

Heavy and Medic looked a bit mollified at that statement, but now one of the others was pushing his way to the front of the crowd. He pushed Heavy to the side, earning a disgruntled sound from the large Russian. He was dressed in a red army coat with brown pants and boots. Strapped to his chest was a series of grenades, and upon his head was a brown army helmet that covered his eyes. He somehow managed to see perfectly, however, as he kneeled down to Steven's level and patted the half-gem on the shoulder, hard.

"Great news cadet!" The helmeted man loudly proclaimed, "I knew that some midget monster wouldn't get the better of you! Now let me guess; after its failed ambush attempt, you seized the maggot creature by its maggot throat, and then HAZZAH! NECK SNAP!" The man pantomimed snapping someone's neck. Violently.

One of the other men in the back, a dark-skinned gentleman with a knit cap and eyepatch rolled his remaining eye. He wore a flak jacket with rows of grenades on the vest. "Och, Soldier, I don't think that Steven would've done that."

Soldier turned away from Steven and sneered at the one-eyed Scotsman. "Why not? He's certainly man enough to take one of these _maggots_ down! I bet he tore that thing apart with his _bare hands_!" A maniac grin formed on Soldier's face as he imagined Steven getting his first kill.

"Actually, Amethyst pulled it away and poofed it before anything could happen."

Soldier was still for a moment. He then turned and regarded the purple woman with a disapproving shake of his head.

"Amethyst! I can appreciate your fighting spirit, and your general disregard for enemies, but this is something that I must say am _very_ disappointed about."

"What? That thing was all up in his face!" Amethyst protested. "It would've janked him up!"

"Steven can handle one measly monster; don't forget that we've been training him!"

The one-eyed man scoffed. "Oh, so _that's_ what it's called."

" _Did I ask you a question Demoman?!_ " Soldier shouted at the Scotsman, who just put up his hands in mock surrender. Soldier quickly turned back to Amethyst and gave her a look. "Even if you had just held it down for him, I would understand; sometimes you need to give a teammate a hand in their first kill, but you do _not_ take a comrade's kill! It's simply unsportsmanlike!"

At this point, Scout was in tears from trying to hold in his laughs. Pyro just turned away and released a series of wheezing chuckles. Even Heavy, Medic and Engineer seemed to be containing their amusement. Amethyst just grinned and threw up her hands. "Alright, fine, the next time something lands on Steven, I won't do anything."

Soldier smiled in acceptance. "Great-

" _What do you mean something landed on Steven?!"_

Everyone turned to look to the rear of the house, where two women were now standing. One was much taller than the other, with a large, cubical afro, dark skin, and triangle-shaped shades completely obscuring her eyes. The other, while shorter than the first, was also fairly tall. She wore a ballerina's one piece-complete with a thin tutu, and ballet shoes. Her skin was a pure white and her off-white hair was brushed back straight. Apparently they had just came through the Temple door while everyone was listening to Soldier speak, and were thus caught off guard. The pale-skinned woman quickly darted to Steven, knocking Soldier to the ground as she passed, knelt down to his level and began inspecting him for injury.

"Did one of those centipeetles attack you Steven, oh I _knew_ I should've stayed behind just in case-you don't _look_ very scratched up and there's no sign of acid burns…did it fall on your head? They shouldn't be heavy enough to cause cranial trauma-but just to be sure we should probably have Medic look at you-"

"Pearl."

The pale woman stopped fussing over Steven and turned back to look at the dark skinned woman as she stepped forward. She stood next to the group of men in red and crossed her arms. She looked directly at Steven.

"Steven, are you hurt?" She asked.

The young boy smiled and shook his head. "No, Garnet, I'm fine. I was just telling these guys that Amethyst pulled the centipeetle away before anything could happen."

Garnet nods, apparently satisfied with that answer. She then turns to Pearl and gives the pale Gem a knowing look. Pearl looks to the side and bites her lip.

"Well…if you're sure, Steven." She finally admits, earning a smile from the young half-Gem. In return, Pearl smiles as well.

Seeing that the situation has resolved itself, Garnet turns to Engineer. "Pearl and I checked all the main rooms of the Temple; no centipeetles managed to get in. Is the Fortress secure?"

"Yeah," Engineer answers, holding his tablet out to the Gem by way of explanation. The screen detailed a 3-D model of a massive structure that had multiple rooms. Currently the entire structure was glowing a soft red, and the words 'STATION-WIDE ALERT' were moving across the screen slowly. "I put the whole place under high alert just in case those bugs try to get in."

"Good. Now we just need find where the mother is and take her down."

"Aw, man." Scout groused, "You already know about that?"

Garnet placed a hand on her hip and adjusted her shades before answering. "Yes."

The Bostonian sighed, "We never get to tell you guys anything important."

"A centipeetle mother?" Pearl said, concern in her voice, "We should probably find it before anyone gets hurt."

The others in the house made various sounds of acknowledgement; a Gem monster that can create a (supposedly) endless amount of smaller creatures? It could be a serious threat to the general public.

Steven, meanwhile, was looking on with a sparkle in his eye. There was a monster in Beach City (or the surrounding area)! There was a gem monster in his _home_! Even if the Gems and ex-mercs didn't want him coming along to potentially dangerous Gem locations, but the monster had come here instead! It was like a golden opportunity for Steven!

"Oh! Oh oh!" He exclaimed excitedly, "Can I come with you guys?! Can I, can I?!"

The shared looks amongst the adults in the room didn't do much for Steven's confidence in his chances. His excitement deteriorated further when Pearl placed her hands together and gave him 'the smile'. The same smile she used whenever Steven asked to come along on a mission or inquired about certain things related to gems and the mercs. "Steven..." She began softly.

"I know you guys don't want me coming along to dangerous places, and I get that! I totally get that!" Steven quickly began to pre-emptively argue his point, "But these guys aren't in a dangerous Gem-related dungeon or something! They're right here in Beach City, right here in our home!"

Pearl sighed-a sentiment that was shared with the other adults as they all found ways to avoid Steven's gaze, "Steven, you're right that these centipeetles aren't in some…'dangerous Gem dungeon', but the fact of the matter is they still pose a reasonable threat to humans, and by extension, you."

"Yeah," Amethyst said as she knelt down an inspected the new hole in floor left by one of the centipeetles' corrosive spit. "I don't know if you've noticed, but these things spit acid; that'd jank you up pretty good."

Pearl shot a glare at the purple Gem for her rather crass assessment before turning back to Steven, "Yes, well, Amethyst has a point. Even if the children were easy to take care of, their mother will certainly be a challenge to deal with. Until you learn to control the powers of your gem, _we_ will take care of protecting humanity, okay?"

Steven sighed, another great plan foiled by his inability to summon his Gem weapon or whatever. "Okay, Pearl…"

One of the mercenaries, this one tall and lean, pushed his sunglasses down as he finally noticed the cartoonish freezer next to the half-gem. "Oi, what's that you've got there?" He said with a slight Australian accent, pointing to the portable freezer.

Steven looked down, and then his eyes grew wide as he gasped. "Oh my gosh! I totally forgot to tell you guys!" He exclaimed.

"What? What happened?" Heavy asked.

"It's the worst thing ever!" Steven lamented. "They've stopped making Cookie Cats!"

The half-Gem then began to go into his long-winded explanation/lamentation over his favorite ice-cream-based treat. Due to his rather vehement defense of his snack and proclamation that 'Lion Lickers' will never be half as good as Cookie Cats were, he missed the reactions of everyone else in the room. Everyone shared a knowing glance and grin with each other (just a glance in Pyro's case) as they thought of the surprise that the young boy was in for.

"-and so Sadie let me keep the Cookie Cat Freezer!" Steven finished his story by picking up that very object and carrying it over to the counter, placing it next to the fridge.

As subtly as possible, everyone else leans forward. Steven is still blissfully unaware as he plugs in the freezer, watching with an (oddly) nostalgic look of satisfaction as the device lights up and cool air starts wafting through the small open door.

"Alright!" Steven said, beaming. "Now I know this thing was made to hold Cookie Cats, but maybe we could fill it with something else to free up fridge space?" He turned, looking quizzically at Engineer.

The Texan coughed as he tried to hide his smile. "Oh, I'm sure we can kiddo. How about you check and see if there's anything in the fridge now that looks like it could belong in there."

"Okay!" Steven said-oblivious to the stifled chuckles and giggles that threaten to spill into the room-as he opened the fridge door and began moving foodstuffs around. "No. No. Can you freeze celery and still be able to use it? Probably not. No. No. Hey, this kind of looks like…"

Steven trailed off. For a few seconds, everything was silent in the house. No one moved a muscle as they stared at Steven standing silently halfway into the fridge. One could hear a pin drop.

The silence was then shattered as the half-Gem let out the loudest gasp that anyone had ever heard. He whipped around; one hand grasping a wrapped Cookie Cat as if offering it to a god, while his other hand was pressed against his cheek, as if physically attempting to rein in his excitement. The young boy turned to look at the others in the room, his eyes filled with stars.

"Oh. My. Gosh." Steven whispered, somehow managing to sound loud, "Cookie Cats! But…but they…canceled…Lion Lickers-"

"Surprise!" Scout smiled at Steven as everyone finally let out their laughs, "We caught wind of those chucklenuts canceling production a little while ago and decided to surprise you!"

"But where did you get these?!"

"We went out and STOLE 'em!" Amethyst loudly proclaimed, earning herself a high five from Scout as the two laughed together over their (admittedly well-executed) theft.

"Engineer and I went back and paid for them." Pearl said as she glared at the quartet before sighing and rubbing her gem, "It's a lucky thing you only hit that convenience store; we managed to persuade the owners from conducting an investigation." She proudly finished.

"Uh…yeah, _only_ the convenience store…" Amethyst said, avoiding Pearl's gaze.

"The whole thing was _my_ idea." Garnet said with a smirk.

"Oi!" Sniper bristled at the Gem's declaration. "I'm pretty sure it was _my_ idea to go out and get them!"

"Negatory!" Soldier yelled, "That brilliant plan belonged to yours truly!"

"Mf mms _mm_ mddrrrmm!" Pyro said, pointing a thumb at himself.

"Hey, hey, fellas." Engineer said, stepping into the center of the soon-to-be shouting match. "Once we saw the announcement, we all had the same-or similar-" He adds as Pearl looks indignant at being accused of even thinking of thievery, "thoughts. It was _everyone's_ idea."

Begrudgingly, the would-be arguers stepped back and avoiding looking at each other.

"Not really." Garnet said.

Everyone looked about to jump right back in to a shouting match of 'who loved Steven the most' when Heavy stepped past the group and stood next to the half-gem, smiling happily. "All that matters is Steven is happy, not who had idea first."

He then sent a subtle glare to each of the aggressors, daring them to cross that line. Pyro, Soldier and Sniper all made various sounds of protest but otherwise remained quiet. Garnet shrugged and leaned on a support beam.

Engineer quietly chuckles to himself at this spectacle, and then once again when Steven begins singing the 'Cookie Cat' jingle, rather impressively to boot. As the half-Gem continued with his little song, Engineer couldn't help but think to himself how far they've come. If someone had told him fifty years ago that he and his motley team of professional killers would be fighting alongside three magical alien amazon-warrior women, who were actually polymorphic sentient rocks, against their corrupted and disfigured comrades who somehow managed to turn into literal monsters straight from eldritch horrors, become surprisingly well-adjusted members of a community and raise a healthy, mentally sound half-human-half-Gem boy into an upstanding member of society, all while he and the other mercenaries were not physically aging so much as a day? Well…

He'd probably believe the first part; Team Fortress had seen some really crazy things during their employment at Mann Co., and some of their number even before that. But the rest? Engineer would've laughed them off and asked what they'd been drinking.

Then probably recommend it to Demoman, but that's beside the point.

And yet here they were; nine specialist, augmented human mercenaries and three magical warrior alien rebels making a living by fighting off other alien monsters and periodically stopping a robot-obsessed immortal megalomaniac from trying to start up their old company once again. Unlike the civilians at Teufort (the city not the battleground), the people of Beach City seemed fairly accepting of the nine professional killers; heck, they accepted three alien warriors and semi-frequent monster attacks, nine human mercenaries were probably a breath of normality for them.

Even more surprisingly, the mercenaries seemed to have mellowed out during their time at Beach City; Scout isn't quite as obnoxious, Soldier is much less prone to shouting randomly at pedestrians and completely gave up on forcing haircuts onto the citizens (he still recommended it, but he realized the futility of his goal once he met too many rebellious teenagers), Pyro seems to be one of the more well-liked amongst their crowd and reins in their pyromaniac tendencies much better, Demoman has all but completely given up on drinking his sorrows away (he still drinks, but nowhere near as often nor as much in one sitting) and isn't as quick to anger as he once was, Heavy-in truth, Heavy was only violent on the battlefield, and had a family of his own, so the Russian hadn't really changed much, Engineer himself intermingled more with the locals and had taken up his guitar again, Medic was far less prone to randomly speculating on some of his more…horrifying experiments and reined in his 'mad doctor' nature, Sniper was a bit more open to talking with others and less likely to launch into a disturbingly descriptive series of insults, and Spy…

Well, Spy was basically the same, except that he didn't smoke quite as often.

Chuckling to himself at that little joke, Engineer watched as Steven finished his little song. The ex-mercenary held no illusions to himself; Steven was the main reason that they had changed so much. Ever since that fateful day where the half-gem found himself in the world fatherless as well as motherless, that little boy had wormed his way into their hearts. Engineer couldn't help but take a bit of pride in seeing how kind, friendly and helpful Steven was-very much _not_ how the mercenaries once were-and realizing that he helped with that; he helped Steven become such a great young man. Engineer knew that the others felt that way too, it was less apparent in some than in others, but the Texan could read his teammates like a book. He knew that they felt a little bubble of joy in their hearts when Steven was in the room, and had a small empty ache when they were apart for too long.

He knew they felt the same combination of excitement and fear he did when Steven asked to come along on missions.

Engineer broke out of his musings when Steven concluded his song and joined in the laughter, cheers, and applause in response to the impromptu performance. Beaming, Steven gave a bow to his audience.

"Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week!" The half-Gem said as he laughed in tandem with the others. After the giggles petered out, he turned and regarded everyone at once. "I can't believe you guys did this all for me."

"Ah, weren't nothing, lad." Demoman said, waving off Steven's thanks. "Just think of it as an early birthday present!"

Steven reached into the fridge and moved all of the Cookie Cats into their rightful place; the freezer. "I'm going to save these forever! ...Right after I eat this one." He finishes, holding one of the ice cream treats over his head before unwrapping it. "Hello old friend." Steven says reverently before biting into his Cookie Cat, careful to only take off the ears first.

As Steven savors his treat, a soft but bright pink glow emanates from the gem that replaces his bellybutton.

Engineer is one of the first to take notice of the light, and it's not very long before everyone but Steven is staring in awe. Steven-somehow by eating an ice cream sandwich-is activating his gem. The ridiculousness of the situation is quickly forgotten in favor of the amazement that washes over everyone.

"Oh my god…"

"Woudja look at that..."

"Holy crap…"

"Amazing…"

"Whoa…"

"Holy Mary mother of Joseph."

"Crikey…"

"Steven…" Pearl whispers breathlessly.

"Hmm? Wha-?" The young boy looks at the gem as he swallows his bite. Steven's gaze swiftly turns downward and he jumps in surprise. "Aah! My gem!" He says, sounding both amazed and confused as he hopped from one foot to another, unsure of what to do. "What do I do?!"

Amethyst is the first to respond, naturally. "Quick! Try to summon your weapon!"

"Hey, yeah! Let's see what it is!" Scout follows up and the two look at Steven eagerly.

"I don't know how!" The half-Gem replies, now panicking as the light begins to dim. "No, it's fading! How do I make it glow again?!"

"Steven, you need to calm down." Pearl is at his side in an instant. "Breathe; don't force it."

"Ja," Medic says helpfully, "You might strain yourself othervise. Don't get too excited."

As the young man steadies his breathing and starts to calm down, the light finally disappears. This is met with a collective sigh from Steven and the Gems.

The mercenaries, who honestly can't relate, aren't quite as letdown. Heavy puts a large hand on Steven's shoulder.

"Was good try; maybe get it next time." The large man rumbles.

"Yeah, you'll learn how to do it eventually." Sniper helpfully adds, tipping his hat.

"But I was _so close_ this time!" Steven sighed to himself before looking at the gems. "Can't one of you just explain how to summon a weapon?"

Pearl perks up immediately, smiling widely. "Oh, I'll go first~!" She says in a sing-song voice. The Gem grabs Steven's hand and leads him out of the house.

The door shuts and everyone looks at each other.

"Oh boy," Amethyst sighs as she shakes her head. "She's gonna tell him the _'petal thing'_."

"I'm not exactly sure what that is." Scout says, leaning on the counter. "But I think I have an idea."

Engineer shakes his head, chuckling at these antics. He then turns to Garnet. "Well, that aside, where should we start looking for the centipeetle mother?"

The gem is silent for a while, staring at the door where Pearl and Steven had left through. After a few seconds she adjusts her sunglasses and then turns to the Texan. "We won't find it anytime soon, that's for sure. For the time being we can relax."

Amethyst shrugs and moves over to the door. "If Garnet says it that means it's true. I'm heading out to pick up some donuts, anyone wanna come with?"

Pyro and Demoman are quick to take the small gem up on her offer and soon everyone goes their separate ways, Medic mumbling about 'finally getting some time to work on that project' and taking Scout with him (the Bostonian protested all the way). Only two people remain in the beach house.

"You're worried about what Pearl might say to Steven?"

Engineer turned slightly to acknowledge his companion; a man dressed in a sharp red suit wearing a balaclava. The man pulled out a tin from his back pocket and carefully extracted a single cigarette with a gloved hand.

Engineer gazes back to the front door and furrowed his brow. Worried probably wasn't the right word for this. "I'm not exactly worried, I have no doubt that Pearl will explain how she summons her weapon very well, but-"

"But that's just it, she will explain how _she_ summons her weapon, not how to summon his own." His companion finished as he lit the cigarette in his mouth and took a drag. "Rather than try and encourage Steven to find his own method, she'll end up having him focus on a technique that won't work for him. Sometimes I wonder how 'advanced' the gems were if they can't realize a common trend on their own."

Engineer smiled. "Yeah," He then moved to the reinforced door in the back and unlocked it. "Well I better go give Medic a hand with his little pet project; it wouldn't be good for Steven to lose Scout for a couple days to respawn just because the doctor was getting too enthusiastic. You'll keep an eye on Steven for the time being?"

"Am I ever not watching the boy?" The sharply-dressed man smugly replied. "When Pearl's idea fails-and it almost certainly will-I'll bring him back here so we can explain our theory on gem weapons."

Engineer waved over his shoulder as he entered the Fortress. "I'll leave you to it then, Spy." The armored door closed behind the Texan.

Within the beach house, Spy tapped a button on his wristwatch and disappeared.

* * *

Hours in the future, but not many…

Steven sat cross-legged on the beach, staring down at the gem in his bellybutton and thinking about the various and conflicting lessons he had received from each of the Crystal Gems. Individually, the Gem's concepts were complicated enough; _'master the magical properties of your gem and dance like these petals'… 'link your mind with the energy of all existing matter, channel the collective power of the universe through your gem'… 'whenever I need to summon my weapon out of my gem, it just happens'_

But when put together the teachings only became more confusing; how exactly is someone supposed to try very hard and yet not try at all? Not to mention somehow finding out how to 'link his mind with all existing matter' as well.

Really the only common concept between the lessons was that they all mentioned the word 'gem'.

Steven huffed in frustration and flopped onto his back; he was getting sand all over his shirt and hair, but Steven wasn't really paying attention to that.

"I'm never going to learn how to summon my weapon." Steven bemoaned as he stared into the blue sky. "Why is all this Gem stuff so complicated? Can't it just be simple for once?"

A shadow passed over the young boy.

"Oh, I don't think it's as complicated as you might think." Someone said from behind Steven.

The half-Gem rolled onto his stomach and sat up, noticing a very familiar suit that matched a very familiar voice.

"Spy!" Steven said, happy to see a friendly face. "What's up?"

"Nothing important," The Frenchman said as he sat down next to the young man. "I was just nearby and I thought I might check up on you. How did your lesson with Pearl go?"

Steven looked to the side and fidgeted a bit. "Well…"

He then launched into a finely detailed but fairly shortened summary of what Pearl told him, to how he was practicing near Amethyst and what she said in spite of Pearl's lessons, to finally seeking out Garnet and yet somehow ending up even more befuddled than when he first started out.

Truthfully, Spy was present and out of sight for each of the three lessons and thus didn't need a recap. Hearing what Steven had actually thought about the Gem's individual teachings was a bit more enlightening, but the Frenchman had already deduced that a boy of Steven's age would likely be confused at the conflicting summoning styles of the Gems.

"So I came out here to try and…'channel the power of the universe through my gem'? I guess? I'm still not exactly sure how to summon my weapon." Steven said, as he thought to himself. "I think my best bet might be to recreate what happened when my gem glowed at the house…"

"I believe I may have a better solution." Spy said as he stood up and dusted himself off. He then offered his hand to Steven, "Come with me."

Steven took the proffered hand, yet looked a bit skeptical at Spy's words, "But…what do you know about summoning Gem weapons?"

"Next to nothing." Spy admitted as he started walking back to the beach house, "However, I do know a lot about weapons. Who knows; maybe you'll learn something."

Intrigued yet still somewhat skeptical, Steven followed the espionage expert as he moved to the cliff where his home sat. No one else was in the small wooden house when Spy and Steven entered. Walking through the now-pristine beach house, (Engineer and Medic had the brilliant idea to reinforce the structure by using some strange 'self-repairing' materials, so the broken floorboards and acid damage had been fixed in just a few hours) Steven was a little surprised when his guide didn't stop and instead continued on to the back of the house, where the door to the Gem's Temple and the mercenaries' Fortress waited.

The half-gem was careful to watch his step around the warp pad; Steven remembered too many times where he had tripped over the wires connecting Engineer's teleporter to the piece of Gem technology. Once he was certain he wouldn't plant his face against the crystalline floor, he turned to look back to Spy, who had just finished messing with his tin. Steven watched as the double-locking door to the Fortress slid open.

"Stay close to me." Spy cautioned as he walked through the door.

Steven, now excited that Spy's plan involved him entering the usually-secretive structure, followed earnestly. "O-ok!"

It wasn't his first time entering the Fortress; he was allowed entrance on his birthday so that the mercs and Gems had space to have a proper celebration. For how much he adored his small, comfy beach house, there just wasn't enough room to have a real party in there. If a _really_ tough Gem monster was attacking the Temple, he was quickly evacuated inside. From time to time, he was allowed entrance to explore the structure, but almost always with a chaperone.

And yet, for how many times he had visited the Fortress in the past, it was still a source of amazement and intrigue for him. The entrance hall-the first room one encountered-was fairly plain; the floor, ceiling and walls were all made of a perfectly-polished metal. Fluorescent bulbs were bolted into the ceiling every few feet, casting a gentle light into the hallway. Several vents pumped fresh air into the passageway to keep it warm.

Steven had little time to admire the hallway, however, as he and Spy had quickly reached the end. The half-Gem waited a moment as Spy activated the elevator, and then quickly entered once it had arrived.

"I never get over how big this elevator is," Steven commented lightly, looking around him at the innards of the lift-which was decorated in a way very similar to the hallway.

Spy smiled as he hit a button labeled 'Infirmary', causing the elevator to shut its doors and begin its descent, "Well, in a dire situation it needed to be able to carry the nine of us at once without complications."

"In a 'dire situation'," Steven said, lowering his voice to a more serious tone and forming air quotes, "Couldn't you guys just teleport out?"

"What if the teleporters are malfunctioning, or worse, were destroyed?" Spy countered.

"Oh yeah." Steven says after a moment, "That makes sense."

Spy shook his head in quiet amusement as the elevator finally 'pinged' signaling that it had reached its destination. A moment later, the doors opened into a small room. A row of cushy seats-colored red of course-graced each side of the antechamber, though none of them were currently occupied. The metal floor that was familiar from the entrance hall and the elevator was replaced with a checkerboard of red and white tiles. The walls of the room looked as if they were concrete, and halfway down from the ceiling the color changed from off-white to a light, rosy red. The ceiling itself was still polished metal, and the few lights bolted in were much brighter-not quite as oppressive as normal hospital lights but certainly not soft and comforting. At the far end of the room, directly away from the elevator, was a set of double doors (they were also double hinged, so they were double-double doors, Steven giggled to himself) reminiscent of those one would see in a hospital. Above the doors was a sign that read 'Operating Room'.

Before Steven and Spy were more than four steps into the waiting room, three people emerged from the double doors. Engineer, who was wearing his trademark goggles around his neck, was first. Beside him was Medic who had removed his coat and gloves, exposing his vest and undershirt. Directly behind the two of them was Scout, who had just finished pulling his shirt over his head and quickly replaced his hat. As Steven watched, he couldn't help but hear a few snippets of their conversation.

"-need to boost zhe energy output significantly if ve vant to see any progress at all."

"But we need to keep it compact and portable doc, everyone is supposed to able to use it."

"Ja, ja. I am aware. Ve merely need to incorporate more Gem technology into the design…we're close, I can feel it."

"I still don't see why ya had ta use _me_ in your crazy experiments."

"Look, if something were to go wrong-"

"Ahem." Spy coughed, interrupting Engineer and effectively derailing the entire conversation. The three looked at Spy and Steven with the expression of a deer caught in the headlights of a sixteen-wheeler. They quickly steeled their features however, and gave Steven a series of nervous smiles.

"Uh, hey there Steven!" Engineer said, "What brings you down here?"

Steven, young and inquisitive, immediately asked the obvious question, "What are you guys talking about?"

Medic waved off the young boy's question, "Nothing important, we were just vorking on a small project of mine, nothing really impressive or important yet. Really it's just an idea at zhis point."

"Oh ok." Steven replied, "Well, Spy brought me down here because he said he had an idea about how I could summon my weapon!"

Everyone's smiles became more genuine at this, "No kidding?" Scout said, smirking at Spy, "What exactly does Frenchie have in mind?"

"Probably something that will be much more effective that what _you_ could come up with, you dolt." Spy retorted with a smirk of his own, "Now Steven, if you would be so kind as to regale your lessons to those who haven't heard them yet?"

Steven nodded, and then launched into his tale of conflicting lessons and confusing Gem-related topics to Engineer, Medic and Scout. As he told of how each of the Gems suggested he go about summoning his weapon, their expressions progressively soured. When he finally finished, Engineer removed his hardhat and scratched his head.

"Well, I suppose they weren't as bad as I thought…" He sighed.

"But zhey certainly could have handled it better." Medic groused.

Scout grunted in agreement.

"Wait, what d'you mean they could have handled it better?" Steven asked, confusion in his voice, "Didn't the Gems tell me something important? Were they wrong?"

"No, no. Well…I wouldn't say the gals were wrong; they were absolutely telling the truth about how they summoned their weapons, of that I'm certain. But I also wouldn't say that what they were trying to teach you was 'right', I suppose."

Steven let out a frustrated groan/yell. "That's even MORE confusing than what the Gems were saying! They're right, but they're also wrong?! Why can't I just get a straight answer?! I just want to know how to summon my weapon! Can't someone just tell me HOW I do that?!" He launched into a minor tantrum, earning looks of mild concern from Medic, Spy and Engineer. Scout, however…

Scout laughed, "Kid, you're goin' about this all wrong."

Steven paused, "What?"

Medic leaned forward and steepled his fingers, "You are asking a question zhat doesn't have a definitive answer."

"…Huh?"

"Steven," Spy said, gaining the young boy's attention, "Did you notice anything specific about one of the Gem's weapons and the way they go about summoning it? Or even, a relationship between the manner of summoning and the Gem summoning it?"

"What are you talking about?"

"He means," Engineer said, stepping forward, "That there's a correlation between the Gems and the way they summon their weapon.

"Take Pearl for instance; you said that she does some kind of magical 'dance' and needs to focus very hard to summon her weapon."

"Yeah…?"

"Well, what can you tell me about Pearl herself?"

Steven thought for a moment, "…Pearl's very dedicated to doing things, like cleaning the house or even fighting monsters, and she says how I should always try my hardest to do things and never leave something half-done. Is that what you mean?"

"Not the way I would've said it, but correct. Now, what can you tell me about her weapon?"

"It's a long pointed spear-"

"Don't tell me how it looks Steven; tell me how it's used."

"Well…she uses it to jab things, 'cuz it's too fragile to just smack someone with it. And when she attacks something its usually at its weakest point since the spear is such an exact…weapon…" Realization dawned in Steven's eyes and he looked up at the Texan. "Kinda like Pearl…"

"Yes!" Engineer says happily; everyone else claps or gives words of encouragement.

But Steven is already thinking about the other Gems and their weapons as well. "Amethyst…she summons her weapon by not trying or thinking about it at all! Just like how she does really tough things with no problem, or how she doesn't need a plan to do it! Her whip…it can hit a lot of things at once, but can also be careful, like how she grabbed that centipeetle when it attacked me! And when she's not using it, it kind of just lays around, _just like Amethyst!_ "

The adults in the room break out into chuckles at this accurate assessment of the purple Gem.

"And Garnet, her weapons are big, tough, and strong, just like her! And she links her energy to the universe because…"

Steven trailed off, not sure where he was going with that. He puts his hands on his head and squeezes his eyes shut in concentration. "Because…"

"Ehh, ya shouldn't think too hard about how Garnet summons her weapons." Scout said, "It's probably something secret or 'mysterious' that she doesn't tell anyone about, don't sweat it."

Steven unclenches himself and nods at Scout, "But I think I get it now; the Gems have different ways of summoning their weapons because they have different personalities! Oh-and their weapons _also_ have something to do with their personalities!"

Engineer smiled and clapped his hands; he was surprised that Steven was able to pick up the relationships between the weapons, summoning styles and the Gems themselves so quickly. The Texan had thought that it might've taken a bit more time.

"So, Steven," Engineer said, "What does that tell you about how you should summon _your_ weapon?" Heck, maybe the kid had already figured out a way to summon his weapon just by learning this.

"It means…" Steven thought for a minute, "It means that I can summon my weapon by…doing something that…describes myself?"

Or maybe not.

"I'm still not sure how I can summon my weapon," The half-Gem looked up to the adults with a wide smile, "But now I think I have a better idea than when I started. Thank you guys so much for your help!"

"No problem, squirt," Scout said as he patted the young boy on his arm, "Hey, it beats going through with Medic's screwy experiments-"

" _Ach_."

"-or fighting some big, butt-ugly, Gem monster-mother or whatever."

Just then, dark red lights flickered to life and began pulsing slowly. A loud siren pierced the air, startling everyone up and out of their seats.

Steven fearfully looked around at the adults, not sure what was going on. "Guys, what's wrong-"

" _Proximity warning."_ A female synthesized voice called over the speakers, _"Unknown hostile Gem presence detected. Repeat; unknown hostile Gem presence detected."_

Quick as a flash, Engineer whipped out his tablet and began furiously typing on the screen. The others, knowing better than to interrupt what was certainly important work, remained silent.

"It's not in the complex, that's for sure," The Texan finally answered, "But if it set off the proximity alert, then…"

Engineer held out his tablet, showing that it had switched to camera mode, and displayed it to the others. Onscreen, being recorded by a hidden camera in the beach house, was a section of the beach. On the beach stood Garnet, gauntlets at the ready, in front of what looked like a giant centipeetle. As the five watched, the giant centipeetle roared and lunged at the black-and-red Gem with its huge maw-only to end up with a mouthful of sand as Garnet leapt gracefully over the monster. Now high above her adversary, the Gem warrior dived down, fists poised to strike. But the centipeetle mother would have none of that as it swiftly twisted its tail at Garnet and smacked her away into a sand dune. The warrior spared but a moment before moving-deftly avoiding the stream of deadly acid the mother began spewing at her. Enraged, the monster released another vicious roar as it chased the warrior-moving out of the camera's range. Engineer quickly switched to a secondary vantage point; this one showing the warrior and the Gem fighting on the statue.

Steven watched all of this with steadily growing concern, wincing when Garnet took a hit, "She needs help!"

"Then she's gonna get it," Engineer replied with steel in his voice, typing away on his tablet, "I just sent out an alert to the rest of guys saying that the Temple is under attack. But it'll be a few minutes before they arrive, so right now we're all she's got."

Wordlessly, everyone began preparing. Medic threw on his traditional doctor's coat and pulled his rubber gloves over his hands. Once he was done, he then strapped an electrical-looking backpack to himself that was attached by a hose to a handheld device. Scout reached into his dimensional bat bag (developed by Mann Co., improved by Engineer) and pulled out a scattergun. Spy placed a cigarette into his mouth, lit it, and drew his magnum from his suit pockets. Engineer pulled his goggles back onto his face and replaced his tablet with a smaller PDA. He pressed a few buttons on the device and a small toolkit appeared at his feet in a flash of red light. The Texan heaved the toolbox over his shoulder and pressed something else on his PDA, causing the nearby dormant teleporter to activate-rotating quickly and emitting steady pulses of red light. Quickly, the four mercenaries made their way over and stood on the device as it was warming up.

"Steven, stay here." Spy cautioned.

The half-Gem blustered, "Can't I do something to help?"

"Yeah, _don't get yourself killed_." Scout said as he ejected some shells from his weapon.

"Ve can handle zhis, don't vorry."

"We'll lick that critter's hide and be back before ya know it." Engineer smiled with a tip of his hardhat.

Before Steven could protest further, the teleporter activated. The mercenaries were enveloped in light, there was a flash of red energy, and they were gone-leaving Steven alone in the room with a slowly-recharging teleporter.

* * *

Back on the surface, Garnet wasn't doing so hot. Though she wouldn't be the first to admit it. She hadn't taken too many hits for her to start feeling it, and she had successfully avoided all of the mother's caustic spittle so far, but it was clear this battle was not moving in her favor.

It wouldn't be so bad if she could just _hit_ the damn thing. Garnet couldn't charge it from the front; every potential future she saw ended with her either getting a face-full of acid or being bitten in half. Trying to attack from behind after dodging a lunge only rewarded her with a smack from the creature's tail-not hard enough to hurt, but just enough to knock her back and stop her advance. If she dodged the tail-smack the mother just wriggled away and repositioned while Garnet had to steady herself. Attacks from above had a similar conclusion, where the mother either knocked her away, dodged, or attempted to coat her in acid.

Worse yet, the centipeetle's many legs offered it a strategic advantage on the craggy slopes of the Temple's statue, allowing it to cling onto hard-to-hit portions of the cliff and wait there until it wanted to strike. Garnet couldn't launch her rocket-fists at it while it was doing this; if the creature were to dodge-and Garnet saw a _lot_ of futures where it did-or if Garnet were to somehow miss, the resulting explosion would create a rockslide. A rain of boulders directly over the beach house, even with the self-repairing materials, spelled disaster. What if the warp pad were to be destroyed? What if the complex was sealed off from the outside?

What if Steven, curious and caring as he was, were to emerge from the house and end up crushed by waves of falling rocks?

Garnet mentally pushed that train of thought to the corners of her mind; no, she would not be launching her gauntlets at the mother.

The centipeetle roared at her from its position on the rocky face of the cliff and scuttled forward in another lunging strike. Quickly looking through the future and all its possibilities, Garnet made a decision and dived to the left-

" _Oof!"_

-only for the monster's tail to catch the warrior directly in her abdomen. The Gem grunted as she was slammed back into a nearby boulder hard enough to lodge her there for a moment. It was easy enough to escape; she just needed a moment to focus.

But the mother was quick to capitalize on the warrior's moment of weakness. It threw its tail up against Garnet to keep her trapped. The mother lowered its head to Garnet's level and hissed viciously, acid dripping from her pincers.

Garnet struggled to escape the creature's hold as it prepared to blast her with acid. She briefly contemplated separating so that her smaller constituent parts could escape when the future shifted in her vision; there was only one way for her to escape now.

Luckily, that was also the only future she saw occurring within the next three seconds.

A small, spherical object sped through the air and collided directly with the side of the giant centipeetle's face. Which was consequently where the creature's Gem was located.

" _Ding-dong!_ " A familiar, obnoxious voice split the air. Garnet smirked.

' _Never doubted them for a second.'_

A hit from a flying baseball-even one reinforced with carbon-fiber weaves-would not be enough to damage a Gem monster. Even a direct hit on the creature's Gem wouldn't cause any noticeable damage. But Garnet knew that a blunt, if ineffective, strike on the core of a Gem's being could cause the Gem to experience a sensation similar to organic vertigo.

Disoriented, the centipeetle mother didn't even register the smaller being as it sped to its side at an impressive pace. Once it was close enough to touch the monster's side the figure pressed something directly into one of its body segments.

"Chew on this, ya big ugly mother-!" Scout's words were drowned out by the loud blasts of his gun firing.

A scattergun from the 1960's wouldn't be able to do much to a gem monster of this magnitude; at best the gunner could hope to annoy it for a few seconds. At worst, a cocky soldier might find that the weapon's bullets were not strong enough to pierce the tough hide of the creature and he may end up as a small snack for the monster. A more modern scattergun might fare better, but again the most damage one could inflict-even by emptying the entire, six-shot clip at point-blank range-would be miniscule.

However, this was _not_ Scout's old company-issued scattergun, nor was it an average military design; this was the 2015 Model-2X Gemtech-augmented Scattergun that shot modified ammo specifically designed to take down Gems and Gem monsters.

Scout affectionately referred to it as the Stone-Cold Killer.

As such, the first shot pierced the mother's hide, the second hit its more delicate innards, and the third turned those innards into dust and acidic goop.

However, by then the centipeetle mother had regained its facilities. It screeched out in pain and scuttled away from Scout, spraying acid at his position. The Bostonian darted away with ease and ejected the spent shells from his weapon before firing on the monster once more. Now further away, the shots weren't as damaging, but they certainly affected the mother. With a new and presently more dangerous enemy, the centipeetle mother began chasing the human mercenary. Thinking he would be easy prey, the corrupted Gem was surprised when the small figure, while unable to jump as far as its previous target and clearly not as physically strong, easily darted away from its attacks. It was almost as if this puny human was somehow faster and more agile than a Gem warrior!

Garnet-now unheeded by the monster's oppressive weight-gathered her strength and shattered her rock prison from the inside out. The Gem took a moment to assess her injuries; some scratches and bumps were not especially alarming, yet the mother had damaged her physical form in that last assault. Not dangerously so, but enough so that she had to expend more energy and focus just to keep in fighting shape. She looked up at Scout, who was evading the mother's attacks with practiced ease. The warrior knew from experience that he could persist for hours just dodging simple attacks, but the centipeetle mother was crafty and it would only take one good hit before he was down for the count. For how tough the mercenaries were, their augmentations didn't make them nearly as durable as even the most fragile Gem. He couldn't fight the mother alone.

"Frau Garnet!"

But then again, he certainly didn't have to.

Garnet turned and saw Medic running towards her, his medigun at the ready. When he reached the warrior he gave the Gem a once-over and tutted to himself.

"Good, for a moment I vas afraid you might actually _need_ me."

A small smirk graced Garnet's face, "Your company certainly wouldn't be unwelcome."

The doctor released a barking laugh and pushed the lever on his medigun, a familiar and satisfying hum filling the air as pure energy flowed into Garnet's being, repairing what damage the centipeetle managed to inflict.

Medic's earlier mediguns had no effect on wounded Gems. Since their bodies were constructs of energy and light, there was no organic matter to repair. More recently however, the German scientist/doctor/sociopath had devised a new medigun that not only healed organic matter, but also exuded waves of energy that could be used to help hold a Gem's physical form together. It vastly shortened a Gem's regeneration period (with regards to amassing the energy necessary to reform, not when designing a new form to take on) when they were 'poofed', but had no effect when the Gem itself was damaged. Medic was still working on something for that. Gems also were unable to be ubercharged-that was an effect that was also exclusive to organics-but if 'healed' for a long time at once, Gems could retain a high energy reserve that dissipates naturally over time and is expended when the Gem suffers damage to their physical form. It provided a quick boost to a Gem's durability since any wounds take away from the added energy rather than take away from the Gem's own natural reserves. It was actually rather similar to the 'overheal' effect.

As the refreshing beams of energy began to fill her own natural reserves, Garnet turned to Medic, "Who else is here?"

"Engineer is somevhere amongst ze cliffs," Medic said as he gave a cursory glance to the rock face, "Looking for an optimal position to place his buildings. Spy is…around, but I highly doubt zhis mother has a spine vithin reach of his knife. He'll probably stick to support. As far as ve know, everyone else is en-route."

"What about Steven?"

"Ve ordered him to stay in zhe infirmary, but I vouldn't put it past him to get aboveground to see an 'epic Gem battle' or vhat have you."

Garnet looked into the future for a moment. "…It's not likely that he'll get injured in this fight…"

Medic narrowed his eyes, "You mean he's going to get involved somehow."

Garnet said nothing. Medic took this as an affirmative and squeezed the bridge of his nose.

"Alright, fine. Vhatever." The German said, though he was clearly miffed. "Let's just kill zhis thing and reprimand him later. Are you ready?"

Garnet nodded and hefted her gauntlets. "Let's go-"

"Aw crap, LOOK OUT!"

The doctor and the warrior turned to see Scout fleeing towards them, the centipeetle mother hot on his heels and spewing a steady stream of acid.

Thinking quickly, Garnet picked up Medic (he squawked a bit at this) with one hand and grasped Scout in the other. Before the centipeetle mother could re-acquire her targets, Garnet leapt high into the air and landed behind one of the temple's fallen hands. Now with a brief respite the Gem set down her two unwilling passengers.

Scout dusted himself off, "Ey, thanks G; damn bug feinted and got me runnin'. How you holdin' up, doc?"

The doctor, thoroughly disgruntled, adjusted his spectacles before glaring at the runner. "I am _just fine_ , zhank you." He then noticed some minor (some major) scrapes on Scout's legs and arms. Medic turned his 'weapon' on the Scout. "Let me take care of zhose."

At that moment, the centipeetle mother choose the perfect time to attack; by spewing acid from the other side of her prey's cover and slowly wearing it down.

"We need to move." Garnet shouted, over the sound of vicious hissing.

"Where to?! That acid crap is everywhere!"

Medic looked at the side of his medigun, "Twenty seconds until I can activate zhe shield; it will be close, but I believe zhat-"

" _Hey_!"

A small pebble hit the giant centipeetle in the back of the head, drawing its attention to _yet another_ target. It whipped its head around to face this new threat.

Further up on the hill, Steven himself stood next to the (now filled) Cookie Cat freezer, somehow managing to look threatening and cute at the same time. "Leave them alone!"

To the centipeetle mother, Steven looked like a mildly annoying snack.

To Scout, Medic, and Garnet, it was the single most terrifying thing they had ever seen in their entire lives.

"Steven _no_!"

"GET DOWN FROM ZHERE AND GO BACK INSIDE ZHIS _INSTANT!_ "

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YA DOIN'?!"

"I'm helping you guys!"

Steven unwrapped a Cookie Cat and ate it all one bite, "Crystal Gem powers…ACTIVATE!"

…

…

…

Nothing happened. Not even a slight glow.

Steven stared down at his gem in frustration, "Arrgh, come on! It worked last time!"

He snapped his head up when he heard the hisses from the approaching centipeetle mother. Without a weapon, and armed only with several Cookie Cats and a freezer, Steven quickly began backing away.

"Yo, we gotta stop that thing before it eats him!" Scout said.

"Come on!" Garnet said, jumping out of cover and sprinting to the young boy, with Scout and Medic following closely behind.

Steven meanwhile, has just downed multiple Cookie Cats at once with the hope that _something_ would happen. The results were very much the same as before.

"Why isn't this working?" Steven yells as he backs away from the centipeetle mother. He stares down at his gem and starts poking it in desperation. "Please give me something! Anything!"

"STEVEN LOOK OUT!"

The half-Gem looks up at Garnet's cry and finds himself almost face-to-face with the monster. Before Steven could even utter a terrified plea, the centipeetle stands up on its hind legs and lungs forward, snapping its jaws.

Something tackles Steven to the side, causing the boy to fall face-first into the dirt with a pathetic ' _oof_ ''. Turning around, Steven searches for his savior when he notices the centipeetle mother messing with something in its jaws.

He freezes in terror once he realizes what-or rather _who_ -it is.

Limp in the mother's pincers was no other than Spy, sporting his trademark suit. Steven couldn't see the Frenchman's face, but he was certain that he was dead. The mother whipped the Spy's body around like a rag doll; the Frenchman didn't react in the slightest.

It was horrifying to witness, and Steven was lucky that there wasn't any blood, but how could a living person survive being crunched in half like that?

A hand fell on the boy's shoulder and a loud, piercing electrical whine split the air.

"Steven." A voice said.

Steven whipped his head around to find-

Spy.

It was an exact, living copy of the man that was currently being whipped around like a rag doll in the grasp of a gigantic Gem monster. And, aside from some slight tears and scuffs on his suit, he looked no worse for wear.

"Whaaaaaa…" Steven stared dumbly.

By way of response, Spy held up a pocket watch that was flipped open, revealing a circular meter that was slowly refilling.

The Dead Ringer.

Steven could've slapped himself; Spy had shown him that particular watch on his tenth birthday, and even let him try it once. It was a bit unsettling to see his dead 'self' a few feet away after jumping off his couch, but he later admitted that it was amazing. Of _course_ Spy wouldn't let himself get taken out by some giant bug monster; he was too good for that.

"Are you alright?" Spy asked.

Steven shook his head to clear his thoughts. "Yeah…yeah I'm okay, thanks for saving me!"

"My pleasure."

Unfortunately, Spy's holo-clone dispersed just then. The centipeetle mother looked around in confusion before its gaze landed on a perfect replica of the creature she had just killed and its smaller companion. It turned around and screeched at the duo; Steven backing up against Spy while the Frenchman aimed his revolver at the monster.

He wouldn't get the chance to fire, however, as Garnet choose that time to make her move.

Leaping into the path of the centipeetle-looking for all the world like a superhero-Garnet caught both of the pincers in her large gauntlets and held the creature still. She glanced behind her briefly while she struggled to hold back the monster's impressive weight. "Steven…!"

The half-Gem looked at the creature's jaws; acid was curling off of the jagged fangs and dripping onto Garnet's weapons, slowly eroding them. If that acid ate all the way through, then…

"No…Oh,no no no no no!" Steven panics, looking around for something to use when his eyes fell on the partially-destroyed Cookie Cat freezer. He bolts towards it.

"Steven, what are you _doing?!_ "

The half-Gem ignores Spy and instead starts mumbling a mantra to himself.

" _Cookie Cat, he's a pet for your tummy…"_

Steven reaches the freezer at the same time Scout and Medic reach the centipeetle. Scout and Spy open fire on the creature, weakening it. Medic hurries behind Garnet and starts pumping energy into her Gems, restoring the weapons and counteracting the effect of the acid.

" _Cookie Cat, he's super duper yummy…"_

The centipeetle mother, now heavily wounded, thrashes about, throwing Scout in front of it and pushing Garnet a few feet back. Spy takes a moment to reload his weapon. Medic yells something about being 'too close' but continues to heal Garnet. Steven picks up the freezer and holds it over his head, determination in his eyes.

" _Cookie Cat, he left his family behind! Cookie CAAAAT!"_

Steven _heaves_ the freezer at the mother and is rewarded when the device breaks on impact, sending waves of electricity through the Gem monster. The mother releases its hold on Garnet and shrieks to high-heaven, twitching and spasming; losing control of its body for a few seconds. Garnet and the mercs look on in amazement. Steven falls to his knees, spent.

"Now available…nowhere." He finishes sadly.

Spy presses two fingers to his ear, "NOW!"

From behind a fairly-tall rock, Engineer emerges and plops his toolkit down. He raises his gloved hand, wrench in grasp, and one could see a vicious gleam in his eye.

"Sentry, goin' up."

With a mighty swing, Engineer brings his wrench down on the toolkit, a satisfying * _clank*_ echoing _._

During the RED and BLU wars of late 1960, Engineer had to frequently disassemble and reassemble his buildings in combat; thus, he couldn't always keep the constructs at their most advanced state-poor conditions both on and off the battlefield saw to that.

Now though, Engineer could leave his unused buildings in a clean, closed environment to prevent rusting and erosion to the components. He had more than enough free time to perform regular maintenance to prevent degradation of materials. That's saying nothing of the advanced, alien technology the Texan genius now had access to.

As such, when Engineer whacked the closed toolkit, a puny level-1 Sentry Gun didn't start building itself.

No, a level- _4_ Sentry Gun, Specialization: Bulletstorm unfolded almost instantaneously and quickly acquired its target.

Previously, Engineer's Sentry Guns all had bullet weapons, with his level-2 and level-3 versions having two six-barreled chain-guns each. His level-3 Sentries always had a rocket pod that launched 4 circulating rockets at the target as well as a barrage of bullets.

However, Engineer realized that sticking to one, constant design was both boring and easy to plan against, and so he built different Sentry Guns with varying specializations to suit certain circumstances.

The Specialization: Bulletstorm Sentry was all about _bullets._ The level 1-asthetically similar to the old level-1 all-purpose Sentry- had a single chain-gun that belted out rounds at an impressive speed. The level 2 version gained an additional chain-gun and increased the rate of fire for each weapon. It added a third arm on level 3 and increased its effective range as well.

The level-4 type had a total of _six_ fully-rotating chain-guns, a _severely_ boosted fire rate for each weapon, and allowed each individual arm to be _independently targeting_ , giving the Sentry the ability to target up to six different enemies at once.

Though right now, there was only one target to focus on.

* _bebeep-bebeep-bebeep-bebeep-bebeep-bebeep*_

Were Engineer a philosophical man, he would liken the sound of his Sentry Gun acquiring a target to that of an angel's choir announcing the arrival of a coming prophet. Were Engineer an artistic man, he would also compare the sound of the Sentry firing all of its guns at a single target to the sound of an angry god smiting his foes with fearsome power.

But was neither philosophical, nor exceedingly artistic, so he just admired the sounds for what they were:

The death knell of his enemies.

All at once, the six arms of the Sentry began belting bullets into the hide of the mother centipeetle at an absurdly high rate. The monster screeched in pain as the anti-Gem rounds ate away at its very being-bits and pieces of it falling off and disappearing. It backed away-partially due to its terror and partially due to the high velocity and knockback of the Sentry's weapons-screeching and screaming until it finally escaped the auto-detecting range of the deadly machine.

But not before the weapon had severely damaged it. Its once-lustrous white mane was falling out, and what pieces remained were ratty and full of holes. Half of its legs had either been crippled or were completely broken off-wisps of dust and Gem energy escaping through the stumps. Its spiked tail had been severed, and countless holes decorated its body like a fine Swiss cheese.

Garnet and the mercenaries were ecstatic.

" _Hell_ yeah!" Scout whooped.

"Vunderbar!" Medic cheered.

"Now we take it down." Garnet said as she moved in to strike; Spy, Medic and Scout close behind.

The giant centipeetle, defiant to the last, hissed feebly and attempted to spew acid at the approaching foes, but couldn't summon the strength to spit the caustic liquid. The acid pooled around its jaws at it tried to escape.

Spy's high-powered shots pierced what remained of its carapace and halted its retreat. Scout rushed up and blasted the creature in one of segments, destroying it completely. Medic, not one to be left out, pulled out his (vastly improved) syringe gun and let loose, doing a considerable amount of damage.

But the final blow went to Garnet, who leapt several stories into the air and flew down towards her target like an angry square meteorite mom. Scout jumped away from the monster once he realized Garnet's plan; not keen on staying within the blast zone.

The centipeetle mother gave a final screech in desperation before Garnet hit ground zero with a massive * _fwoooooom_ *, tossing up a huge cloud of sand and Gem dust that blanketed the area. After a few seconds, Garnet emerged from the dust cloud with the centipeetle's gem floating a bubble in her hand. She tapped the top of it, causing both the bubble and gem to teleport to the Lava Room of the temple.

For a moment, nothing was said. It was actually kind of peaceful.

Of course, such a thing cannot last.

"WE DID IT!" Scout cheered, pumping his fists to the sky and letting out a long, victorious whoop. "We freakin' _owned_ that dumb bug!"

"Aw, what? We missed the fight?"

Garnet turned around, noticing that the other Gems and mercenaries had finally arrived, all of them toting weapons. Pearl, Sniper and Heavy looked pleased that the situation had resolved itself without anyone getting hurt. But Soldier and Amethyst looked majorly disappointed that they had missed what appeared to have been such a huge battle.

Scout smirked, "Ya snooze, ya lose! Maybe you would'a arrived quicker if ya all weren't so darn _slow_."

"Dammit!" Soldier said, tossing his rocket launcher down in frustration. "I knew we would miss the battle!" He then rounded on Pearl, who had just dispelled her spear, "You should've let me and Demoman go ahead!"

The white Gem crossed her arms and glared at the patriot, "I am _not_ about to let either of you just fire those crude weapons haphazardly and put the citizens in danger just because you wanted to get somewhere faster!"

"Psh, we would've been careful!"

"The last time you were _careful_ with your 'rocket jumping', you blew up half the boardwalk!"

"I needed to get a height advantage on that flying Gem-maggot," Soldier protested, "Besides, I put out the fires afterwards."

"YOU MADE THEM _WORSE_! I STILL HAVE NO IDEA _HOW_ YOU DID THAT!"

"Enough," Heavy said as he stepped between the two and lightly pushed them apart. The Russian gave Soldier a level glare, "Do not 'explosive jump' near civilians except for emergencies. Is dangerous."

Soldier grumbled and turned away, but he finally nodded. Heavy then turned to Pearl.

"Rocket-jumping is fast way to help friends. Not all of us are quick on foot."

Pearl sighed and looked down, "Just so long as he avoids putting more humans in danger than he's saving, I suppose it is alright."

"Good." Heavy rumbled.

"Ey lads and lass," Demoman spoke up, surveying the carnage. "What did we miss?"

"Oh it was _epic_." Scout said, holding his hands like a child would describing his favorite movie. He then waved his hands pointing to Garnet. "It was all big G here! She was fighting this big ol' bug all by herself, and kicking its ass-" Garnet smiled at the overly positive assessment, "-but we figured we'd give her a hand just in case. So I come runnin', and _nail_ the ugly mother in the mug. I move up, pop pop pop, three shots, and then it gets _angry_ and starts chasing me. I'm backpedaling and I'm backpedaling, hitting the sucker when it gets close enough, staying out of reach, when the _bitch_ goes and pulls a feint! I almost get soaked in acid when Garnet picks me and doc up and lugs us over to cover. We get our crap together, patch ourselves up, and the bugger goes and starts spraying acid all over our cover! So now we're stuck in a bad position, doc says he almost has his shield ready, when all of a sudden Steven gets-"

It suddenly occurs to the four fighters that they had neglected something rather important.

"STEVEN!" They all cry out at once, before looking up to where they last saw the boy.

Halfway up the hill, Steven is kneeling next to the wreck of his Cookie Cat freezer, watching as the ice cream and cookie bits melt into the ground. Engineer, after having packed up his Sentry, slid down from his position and stood next to the boy.

"Farewell, sweet Cookie Cats," Steven laments, "I'll always remember the time we spent together." His stomach rumbles slightly and Steven shushes it. "Hush now." He whispers.

Engineer looks between the boy and the ruined ice cream a few times. "Do you uh…need a minute?"

"Maybe…" Steven sniffs.

"…Are you crying?"

"ONLY A LITTLE!"

"STEVEN!" Eleven voices cried out.

The mourning boy turned when he heard his name and was nearly bowled over by a wave of concerned Gem-moms and mercenary-dads.

Pearl was the first to reach him, "Oh my stars, Steven! Are you hurt?" She asked, fussing over the boy's ruffled and dirty clothes.

"…No, I'm good."

"Ya sure?" Sniper spoke up as he peered over the shoulders of his comparatively shorter teammates.

"Yes…?"

"Good," Medic said, coming up behind Steven and giving him a look. "Zhen you von't mind telling us _vhy_ you charged out onto zhe battlefield armed vith only a freezer and ice cream?"

Steven blushed and looked down, not wanting to look into the sea of disappointed and concerned faces assaulting him. "Well…"

"I can answer this."

Everyone turned their attention to Engineer. "Yasee, Steven here thought that, since he managed to get his Gem to glow before when he ate Cookie Cats, that eating them had something to do with summoning his weapon. Obviously, that isn't the case." The crowd followed Engineer's gaze as he looked at the ruined freezer.

Pearl looked worriedly at the young half-Gem, "Steven…is this true?"

Steven cast his eyes to the ground and nodded, "I just wanted to help Garnet and the others…"

Pearl sighed and lifted the boy's chin so that he could see the soft smile on her face, "Oh Steven, as cute as it would be I don't think your powers come from eating ice cream. But don't worry," She quickly added when Steven began to look even more downcast, "I'm sure some day you'll figure out how to activate your gem."

"Yes," Garnet said, giving the boy a smile of her own, "In your special Steven-y way."

Steven looked around, and instead of expressions of disapproval and concern, he found looks of quiet and warm encouragement-Pyro gave him a thumbs-up. He couldn't help the smile that started to grow on his own face.

"And you managed to help us out as well," Spy commented, "Engineer had just moved into position when the monster pinned us back. If you hadn't stunned it when you did, we might've been in trouble."

Steven's smile grew wider, "Haha, thanks." His expression then saddened; "I just wish I didn't have to sacrifice the awesome gift you guys spent so much to get for me. Now there's no more Cookie Cats anywhere."

There was a moment of silence as everyone looked at the ruins of the freezer once more.

On the edge of the crowd, out of everyone's direct sight, Scout and Amethyst looked at each other.

Scout nodded his head in Steven's direction.

Amethyst shook her head and inclined her head at the runner.

Scout looked taken aback before making an 'x' gesture with his hands. He then pointed back at the purple gem.

Amethyst mouthed _'no'_.

Sound narrowed his eyes and mouthed back ' _carnival_ ''.

Amethyst blanched and wordlessly struggled for a counterpoint before glaring at her partner.

Scout crossed his arms. He was resolute.

Amethyst sighed and turned back to the group.

"Um…actually Steven, that's not exactly true…"

Everyone looked to the purple Gem in confusion.

"What do you mean, Amethyst?" Steven asked.

The Gem smiled nervously and her eyes refused to meet anyone's gaze. "Heh heh…Well, you know how I said that me and Scout robbed a convenience store earlier? And that P. and Engie went back and paid for them?"

Steven nodded, his expression still the picture of confusion.

Pearl narrowed her eyes at the short Gem. "Amethyst…where exactly are going with this?"

Garnet sighed and shook her head, "I should've seen this sooner."

"Garnet, what are you talking abo-" Realization dawned in the pale Gem's eyes. She whirled around, glaring daggers at Amethyst. "You didn't…"

Engineer sighed.

Amethyst nodded slowly, a nervous smile almost permanently etched into her face. "We kinda did…"

Pearl massaged her Gem as if it would still the oncoming headache. "What did you take?"

"Well…"

* * *

"YOU STOLE AN ENTIRE TRAILER?!"

" _Two_ trailers, actually. They were attached."

Pearl underwent a fit of twitching and squawking as she tried and failed to come up with the words to admonish Amethyst as she carelessly tossed the pale Gem's concerns out the window.

Currently the Gems and the mercenaries (plus Steven) were standing in an old facility in the far North and admiring the two large steel trailers that Scout and Amethyst somehow managed to steal.

After Amethyst's pressured confession, she and Scout led everyone northward (by use of teleporters) to Snowy Coast; an aptly-named subsidiary of Reliable Excavations and Demolitions that was perched on top of a snow-covered cliff. Snow fell almost constantly around the modest collection of buildings. Seeing as how it was once a battleground for the mercenaries of RED and BLU, everything from the factory walls to the chain-link fences were constructed out of the same self-repairing materials Engineer adapted for use on the beach house. So everything was kept in pretty good condition, even without regular maintenance.

Which was good, since the entire facility had essentially been abandoned after Mann Co.'s downfall in 1972.

It was a secret, out-of-the-way location that very few knew about, and was incredibly difficult to access without knowledge of the factory's secret entrances. A perfect location if one wanted to hide a body.

Err…I mean the perfect location to hide evidence of both grand theft auto and illegally obtained goods.

The Cookie Cat trailers were placed on the ground at the far end of the facility-the coastal shipping and receiving. They were a bright pink/red, and had their namesake character Cookie Cat emblazoned on both sides. In the feline's outstretched paw was a singular Cookie Cat ice cream sandwich, and beneath him were the words 'Cookie Cat! A pet for your tummy!' painted in bold lettering. The truck's head and wheel attachments lay discarded nearby.

The second Pearl had set her gaze on them a tick had developed in her left eye. She then proceeded to repeatedly open and close her mouth several times before finally finding her voice and using it to shout at Amethyst.

Engineer-who was standing near the pale Gem-had just sighed, pulled out his tablet, and began typing something into it, doing his best to ignore Amethyst's admonishment at Pearl's hands.

The purple Gem stood next to her co-compatriot, Scout, and the two were doing their best to ignore and/or dismiss Pearl's worries. They didn't seem to be doing a good enough job.

Pyro had started a small campfire a short distance from the trailers; while the Gems and mercenaries were highly resistant to the change in temperature-the mercenaries less so-Steven had decided to come along. He possessed neither the natural resistance against extreme heat and cold, and was not experienced enough to just ignore it. Steven was currently sitting in front of a small but warm fire brought to life from some nearby wooden boards.

Soldier, Demoman, Heavy and Garnet were all messing with the locks on the trailers as they tried to get them open without damaging the delicate treats inside. Medic, Sniper and Spy stood by on lookout, but kept an eye on the floundering Pearl as she squawked at the two thieves.

The rest of the mercenaries, and even Garnet, had already accepted that trying to curb Amethyst's and Scout's impulsive natures is a lot like trying to trying to get water to stop being wet. As such, they stopped indirectly giving themselves coronaries and just dealt with the problems the two brought to the table. Admittedly they fixed many more problems than they caused, and the issues that did arise due to their actions were usually of (relatively) small magnitude. Unfortunately, Pearl seemed to be unable to just let them go.

"Alrigh' I think I got it…" Demoman said as he pushed a lever. A satisfying *clunk* of large tumblers shifting was heard. "Try it now." He said to Garnet.

"I could've just ripped it open." The ebony Gem stepped up and threw open the doors.

"Don't want to damage treats." Heavy said as he peered inside.

The entire trailer was packed full of unlabeled crates and refrigeration units, to the point where they looked like a single solid mass. Garnet reached up and grabbed a box from the top. She tore through the week packing tape on the container and opened it.

Inside were more boxes, but these were decorated with a familiar color and face.

"Cookie Cats." Soldier said, looking up to the rest of the crates in the trailer, "There's probably hundreds of these things in just one trailer." He looked over to Scout and Amethyst and sneered.

"I'm both very proud and very angry with those two right now." He grumbled.

"Oh my gosh…" Steven said, walking over to those gathered at the trailers. He looked into the crate Garnet had set down with huge stars in his eyes. "There's…so many of them." He whispered.

"Don't eat anymore now." Garnet cautioned with a small smile. "You'll spoil your dinner."

"Ok…"

"We'll just keep these things here for the time being." Demoman said as he closed the trailer doors and locked them. "Ain't like we got freezer space for 'em anyhow."

"Engineer will fix Cat Cookie freezer Steven, do not worry." The Russian said to Steven.

"Let's check in with Pearl and see if she's done yelling at those two yet." Demoman said, picking up the shell-shocked Steven.

"Probably not; I wouldn't be." Soldier said as they started walking. "I'm still upset that they didn't include me too…"

Meanwhile…

"How did you two even manage this?!" Pearl finally hissed at Scout and Amethyst.

Rather than shame the duo, this statement somehow managed to excite them. Pearl's tick became more intense.

"Oh, it was actually pretty easy," Scout said as he stepped forward, "Amy and I used Engie's supercomputer to figure out where they were shippin' these trailers. Most of 'em were waaaaay out of reach, but this one sucker was gonna pass real close to here."

Amethyst cut in with a self-satisfied smile. "So me and Scout decide to steal 'em for Steven. We had this great plan to, you should be proud."

At this point Pearl was trying very hard to grind her teeth. "And what _exactly_ did this _great_ _plan_ entail?"

"It went a little bit like..."

* * *

" _So here's what we're gonna do; we teleport to here-Snowy Coast, right?-and move into position."_

" _Uh-huh."_

" _Once we see the guy, I'll shapeshift into some animal-Idunno what exactly, a deer or somethin'-and jump in front of the truck."_

" _And once this chucklehead comes and checks out what he hit, I'll come out swingin'!"_

" _Exactly! Then we take the truck and drive back to Snowy Coast and drop off the trailer there!"_

" _Since it's always so friggin' cold there, the ice cream should be fine! This is the BEST plan ever!"_

" _I know, right?!"_

* * *

"-of course, we didn't know there were actually _two_ trailers instead of just one, but I like to think that it was a reward for a job well done." Amethyst finished

"And don't worry about the guy I clubbed, we dropped him off at a nearby hospital. He didn't even see me, and who's he gonna blame for stealin' his truck? A purple deer? Psh, please." Scout added.

Pearl stood twitching in front of the two thieves, her entire head flushed blue. She seemed to be incapable of nothing but wordless rage at this point.

"Well, at least you remembered to take out the tracker that was in the truck." Engineer said as he looked at the scans he obtained of the hauler. He tapped something on his tablet and the teleporter behind him started rotating in the opposite direction.

"Of course we did," Amethyst said, giving the Texan a dry look, "Do we look like amateurs to you?"

At this, Pearl seemed to regain her ability to speak. "Wha-We are _not_ done talking about this!"

"You're the only one talking, P."

The pale Gem bristled. "Scout, we seriously need to discuss your and Amethyst's disregard for rules-"

"Do we really?" Spy said as he passed, "I highly doubt that will do much."

"Besides, this actually isn't that bad." Sniper inclined to Medic, "Remember that one time in Dustbowl?"

"You need to be more specific."

"1986."

"Auch, only in my nightmares."

Pearl stammered as she looked at the passing mercenaries, trying desperately to find a hold where she could get a word in. "B-b-but…but…"

"Pearl, I understand." Soldier said as he clapped a hand down on the Gem's shoulder, causing Pearl to shriek quietly and step away. "You're upset that these two maggots didn't think to include you in their heist-"

" _That is the opposite of why I am upset!"_

"-and I can sympathize; it was really a great plan. But there's no use in staying upset at them when they've done such a great thing for Steven."

"You're not even listening to me, are you?"

"Pearl."

The aforementioned Gem looked to Garnet when she heard her name. "…Yes Garnet?"

The Gem warrior adjusted her shades. "Let it go."

Then she walked off without another word.

Pearl stood quietly in the snow for a little while. Then she sighed and rubbed her Gem in frustration.

"Why do I even _bother_?" She grumbled to herself.

"Cause you're more stubborn than the rest of us." Engineer said before offering his gloved hand. "C'mon now, I've got the perfect thing to take your mind off of this: cleaning up the temple. And afterwards, maybe you could take a look at this little project Medic and I are working on."

Pearl gave the Texan a quizzical look.

"No, it doesn't have anything to do with bringing the dead back to life."

"…"

"Nothing to do with baboon uteruses either."

"…Fine. But I get to put the freezer back together." Pearl said as she took Engineer's hand.

He grinned. "Alrighty."

The two began walking back to the teleporter that would take them home.

"Amethyst, Scout, you guys are the _best_!"

"Steven, do NOT encourage them!"

"Hehe, thanks little man! Maybe we'll take you along for our next job!"

" _Amethyst,_ _I swear…_ "

* * *

 **AN: And there you have it! The first chapter of Team Universe finished! For anybody wondering, I'm a huge member of both fandoms and this idea came to me out of the blue once I saw 'It Could've Been Great'. The crazy-looking map of the world got to me, and the size of Australia reminded me of TF2. So this was born. Don't worry about the lack of backstory and hints to weird things: in true Steven Universe fashion, we'll start at the middle and fill in the edges as we go on. Such questions as 'How are the mercenaries connected to the Gems?', 'Why do the mercenaries keep saying that they're augmented?', 'What happened to Mann Co.?', 'What about Gray?' and 'What the hell are you thinking?' will be answered in time.**

 **For those of you wondering why I had Garnet struggle in the fight with the centipeetle, I needed there to be a situation where some of the mercenaries can show off their skills. More on those in later chapters.**

 **Also, don't take this chapter as indicative of average chapter length; this was long because I wanted to introduce as many characters and new aspects as possible. Most chapters will be shorter or split into parts, some may even be longer.**

 **I hope you enjoyed this chapter and are looking forward to the next!**

 **Leave a review! I consume the emotional energy from them to write faster.**


	2. Chapter 2

Team Universe

 **When I started writing this fic, I had resigned myself to the possibility that I might actually be bad at it, or that people might just not like the way I write. But I had so many ideas about this story, and I just had to put them out. So I threw myself into the line of fire and bared my passion to the internet.**

 **I was not prepared for how much praise I would receive. And I know; having eight reviews isn't really that big of an achievement here on fanficnet, but each and every one of them was positive.**

 **I had no idea that people would really** _ **enjoy**_ **this! This was just something weird my brain came up with one day and wouldn't stop bugging me until I put it to paper. And yet, here I am, with eight wonderful reviewers (so far) just three days into this story's life.**

 **Thank you to Potat0s0verlord, Morvank, Zaravan, Dante Watterson, superfanman217, Speerut, ZidanReign, and Guest #1 for reading and reviewing my story, and I hope you will continue to find my work interesting enough to keep reading.**

 **Now, without further ado, chapter 2 of Team Universe.**

 **Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or locations portrayed in this work; all characters and concepts belong to their original owners. Cover art belongs to the amazing Ace Florins.**

 _ **Now loading… epsd_laserlightcannon**_

"Amethyst, hurry up! We gotta get there before sunset!"

"I'm comin', I'm comin'!"

Steven and Amethyst ran up the beach under the heat of the late-afternoon sun that was swiftly descending below the waves. A short distance ahead of them, Demo and Pyro jogged at a mild pace-their companions' short legs working in their favor. All four of them were making their way to a small stand just a stone's throw away from where the sand transitioned into blacktop. The reason for their hurry was quite simple; they wanted fry bits.

"Mr. Fryman's gonna close up shop real soon! Guys, we need to hurry!" The half-Gem pleaded, pushing himself even faster.

"It's alright, laddie!" Demo called as he pointed to a small building. "Scout's already caught 'im!"

Indeed, the Bostonian had rushed ahead of the quartet with the intent of catching the proprietor of the fry hut before he could shut down his business for the night. Scout was easily the fastest out of the five of them, so it made sense for him to go ahead. Currently, the agile mercenary was standing in front of a small shack. Perched on the room was a wooden sign shaped like a pod of French fries with the words 'Beach Citywalk Fries' painted on. It appeared as though he was arguing with someone.

"…already told you, we're closed."

"Don't gimme that crap! I was here before ya turned that little sign over."

Steven ran up to the counter and slammed his hands down on the plastic board (lightly). "Hey Mr. Fryman! Give us the bits!"

Mr. Fryman turned away from his little argument in surprise when the young man spoke up. "Steven! I'm sorry, but as I was telling your friend here," Scout blew a raspberry, Fryman frowned. "We're closed."

"Aww, what?"

"Oh, come on!"

"We just got here, dude!"

Pyro looked over to the sad expression on Steven's face; the utter dejection displayed for the entire world to see. They saw the frustration and disappointment in Scout, Demo, and Amethyst. As a promoter of fun and joy, Pyro could not stand for this.

The firebug slammed its fists down on the counter, startling everyone present. "Mvvn mm mhh hhtts!" Pyro huffed through its rebreather mask. They then proceeded to chant-mumble in time with their whacks on the plastic counter, "Mh hhtts! Mh hhtts! Mh hhtts!"

For a moment, Amethyst, Scout, Demo and Steven were too surprised to act. Then they looked at each other and grinned.

Amethyst slammed down in time with Pyro. "The bits!"

Scout joined in. "The bits!"

Demo and Steven as well. "The bits! The bits! The BITS! The BITS! The-!"

"Okay, okay!" Mr. Fryman finally relented, bringing pause to the quintet's protests. "Jeez! Take it easy on the counter, will ya? I'm not sure it can take much more of that." He then moved to the back of his shop and began messing with the fryers.

"Yes!" Everyone cheers, exchanging high fives, low fives, and a couple too-slows just for good measure.

"You know," Fryman says as he hands two bags of fry bits to the small group, "I can make you guys actual fries if you want."

"Maybe later," Steven says as he and Pyro each grab a bag, "But just the bits for now, please. Thank you." He stands to the side and allows Demo to step up and give Fryman his payment, plus a tip.

"'ey, uhh…" Demoman whispers to Fryman, sure that his group had moved a short distance away, "Call us if ye have any problems with the counter, yea?"

Fryman looks at the one-eyed demolitions expert for a second. He then smiled and waved him off. "Aw, don't worry about it; you probably didn't even do anything to damage it anyways. Thanks for offering though."

"Thank _ye_ for puttin' up with those blockheads," Demo grins and thumbs over his shoulder before turning and running after his family.

Fryman sticks his head out of the small window and waves to the group, who are swift to return the gesture.

Steven opens his bag and offers it to Amethyst. The purple Gem grabs a small handful and stuffs them into her mouth with a muffled 'thanks'. Pyro holds their bag out to Scout and Demo; the two mercenaries alternating between grasps for the greasy treats. The firebug grabs a single frybit and-after regarding it for a moment-mashes it into its mask's grill.

No one gives this a second glance; this is how Pyro normally eats, after all.

Scout sighs as he looks at the bits of fry in his hand, "Nothin' quite like fried food to get ya relaxed…" The Bostonian tossed a few up and caught them in his mouth.

"Mmspssllm mmt ssnnsstt." Pyro says through its potato-and-grease clogged grill, looking up at the sky.

Steven takes a deep breath of the sea air. "Ahh, sunset, my favorite time of the day. When the sun goes down and dips into the ocean, and the second sun gets bigger and bigger in the sky…"

Demoman busts out into laughs, "Aye, that big ol' second sun moving closer and closer-" The Scotsman's eye pops open and he looks at the sky. "What the bloody…?"

Smack dab in the middle of what should have been a shadowy sky is a large, white orb that glowed with an intensity similar to that of the sun. As the quintet looked at it, they could just barely notice how it seemed to be moving closer and closer. Scout, Pyro, Demoman and Steven were all confused.

Amethyst, however, was not. The purple Gem let out a surprised gasp when her gaze fell on the orb. "Oh crud, what the heck is _that_ doing here?"

The others turned to regard the short warrior. "What is it?" Steven asks.

She responds by picking the boy up over her head and running towards the Temple.

"Whoa, what the-HEY!" Scout yelled as he dove and caught Steven's bag of frybits. The half-Gem lost his grip on them once he became an unwilling passenger. The Bostonian glared at the Gem's retreating form, "We paid good money for these bits! You're just gonna throw 'em away?"

"Sorry!" Steven's voice called.

"Not you Steven! Ugh…" Scout stood up and dusted himself off, "Well whateva that thing is, it must be a pretty big problem if it got Amethyst to forget about fried food." He placed the fry bits into his ever-present bat bag and offered it to Pyro.

"Nno kddnn," Pyro mumbled as it tucked its collection of fry bits away as well, "Wn shhdd gho."

"Yeah, I'm going ahead; I can probably catch her." Scout gave his teammates a two-fingered salute, "See ya!"

Demo reached out to his teammate, "Scout wait! We should probably stick togeth-aaaand he's gone. Bloody little bunny…" The Scotsman glowered at the sprinting figure.

"Hmph." Pyro agreed.

"Alrigh', let's go get 'im. And maybe beat some sense into that thick skull o' his…"

* * *

Sniper grimaced as he stared through his high-powered, telescopic scope at the object of the Gem's worry. Everyone (save Steven and his little group) was gathered out on the beach and looking up at the pale orb as it moved forward at a snail's pace. Pearl, Engie and Spy were all using high-powered telescopes (Engineer patent pending) while everyone else opted to just stare at it. The commotion had started when Garnet had suddenly sat forward from her position on the couch and say, "We have a problem,". Then everyone had looked outside. Beyond that, Pearl had classified the device as a 'Red Eye', a type of Gem scanning technology used to determine possible colonization sites. Neither she nor Garnet could discern why exactly it was here or what it was scanning _for_ , but it was clear that the Red Eye was bad news.

You know, since it was going to crash into Beach City at a high enough velocity to level everything within a hundred-mile radius.

Medic, standing between Engineer and Garnet, shook his head, "Zhis is not good…"

"Look at the _size_ of it," Pearl breathed as she stared into her telescope, "I had no idea these things were so _big_."

Spy adjusted the zoom on his telescope, "From what you have said in the past, it's been a couple millennia at least since you won your rebellion. The other Gems have probably upgraded a lot of their technology since then."

"True…"

Engineer grumbled aloud from his telescope, "Dammit, I _knew_ I should've gotten started on that anti-spacecraft cannon sooner…Take care of this 'Red Eye' likety-split…"

"Guys! Guys!"

Everyone stopped looking at the Red Eye and turned to Amethyst's voice, where the very Gem was running towards them at top speed.

Due to her short legs however, Amethyst's top speed wasn't all that impressive. Especially considering that Demoman and Pyro were catching up to her. Scout was already by her side by the time she had reached the group out front.

Pearl turned and gave them a frustrated glare. "We noticed. It's a good thing that _some_ of us are trying to protect humanity." The pale Gem turned her gaze upward to the just-arriving Demoman and Pyro, "And where were you four?"

Amethyst-still holding Steven-sets the boy down on his feet and looks shamelessly at the taller Gem, "Eating fry bits."

Scout pulls out the two unfinished bags from his pack, "Want some?"

Pearl blanched, "Uh…no thanks."

"Oh…may I?"

Scout hands a bag over to Medic who is quick to share it with Soldier and Heavy. "Is good." The Russian comments as he tosses a few into his mouth.

Soldier sighs as he holds up a single frybit, "Greasy, fried potato pieces that have absolutely no health benefits whatsoever. The true American food." He pops it into his mouth.

Spy sneers at them, "I can't believe you'd poison yourselves with such garbage."

"Just because you don't like 'em, Frenchie, doesn't mean you have to ruin it for the rest of us."

Spy shot Scout a glare.

"Hey, what are you guys looking at?"

Steven, curious as always, moves over to Pearl's telescope and peers into the lens. Almost as if it were waiting for that moment, the Red Eye opened its outer shell. Now uncovered, the Red Eye looked very much like a giant, flying, disembodied eyeball peering around at everyone in disdain. The Gems all gazed at it in fear. Steven stared at it in amazement.

The mercenaries all flinched reflexively.

"IT'S MONOCULOUS!" Demoman cried, pulling out his grenade launcher from his dimensional pouch and taking aim, despite the fact that his grenades couldn't hope to reach his target at this distance.

Engineer is quick to do damage control. He jumps over to the Scotsman and lays a hand on his weapon's barrel.

"Woah, there Demo, just calm down; it ain't that monster. It's just some kinda Gem-tech that has a…disturbing likeness."

The Scotsman looked at Engineer as he processed his statement. He then looked to the Red Eye and back. "Oh."

"I kind of wish it was…" Pearl said worriedly, "It'd be much easier to deal with than this."

"Are you guys talking about that giant, cursed eye you fight every Halloween?" Steven said, still looking through the telescope, "That's awesome!"

Pearl whirls on the young boy, "It is NOT awesome! It is the _opposite_ of awesome! It's a Red Eye!"

Steven gasps in fright and backs away from the telescope, "Aaah no! It's going to infect us all!"

"You're thinking of _pink_ eye, Steven." Medic comments, earning chuckles from Heavy, Soldier and Amethyst.

"A Red Eye is some kind of Gem scanning tech." Engineer adds, "But why is it on a collision course?"

"It might be a glitch, or they might not know Earth's trajectory," Pearls says as she paces, "But what does it matter _why_? It's going to crash into Beach City and _crush_ us, along with a bunch of oblivious humans! We have to stop it."

* _cough_ *

Pearl stops and turns to the mercenaries, who are funnily enough human, and sees an expanse of exasperated looks. She quickly tries to backpedal on her comment.

"Oh, I um…I didn't mean that all humans were…you know that-"

"It's alright Pearl." Engineer said, "You didn't mean anything by it." He then turns to the approaching Red Eye and scratches his chin. "But the question still is, how are we gonna handle this little problem?"

"The only thing powerful enough to destroy it," Garnet spoke up as she adjusts her visor, "Is a Light Cannon that belonged to Rose Quartz."

"My mom?" Steven asked, looking up at Garnet.

"Ughhh," Amethyst groaned, "If Rose were here, this would be _so_ easy…"

"I know…" Pearl said angrily, before stopping and softening her voice, "I know…but she's not and the cannon is missing. We'll have to find another solution."

Engineer sighed, "Really wish she let me take a look at it when it was still around. I might've been able to build a substitute…"

Everyone fell silent for a moment as they remembered the great, powerful, and kind woman who brought them all together.

"Wait a minute…"

The mercenaries and Gems turned to Scout, who looked uncharacteristically deep in thought. He scrunched up his face and tapped his forehead, as if he was trying to remember something. The Bostonian regarded Pearl for a moment. "What…exactly, did this 'Light Cannon' look like?"

Pearl blinked, "Oh, well…" A blue-white hologram came to life from Pearl's Gem as she created a visual aid for her explanation, "It had two pink legs spaced laterally from each other; a rose etched into the design. The main body of the cannon was a lighter white-pink and was perfectly cylindrical down to the base-"

"I'VE SEEN THAT!"

Scout was smiling and pointing frantically at the holographic picture of the Light Cannon, bouncing in excitement. Immediately, Pearl is upon him.

"What? Are you sure?"

"Yeah! Yeah, I'm definitely sure! I've seen this Light Cannon before!"

"Where?!"

"It was…" Scout seemed to literally deflate; his smile disappearing and his body becoming unnaturally still, "Oh…"

Pearl takes this the wrong way, "What's the matter? Is it broken?!" She says frantically.

The runner shakes his head, "No, no it's fine. At least…I think it is. It's just…" Scout fidgets, almost as if not wanting to talk about it, "The last place I remember seeing it…was with Greg."

A small "Oh" escapes Pearl as she finally understands. The Gem backs away and looks around to the other mercenaries.

None of them meet her gaze, each one somehow managing to look in a different direction.

It was understandable; talking about Greg was still a bit of a tender topic, sometimes even more so than Rose Quartz. While the Gems and mercenaries had advanced warning that their leader would be departing with the birth of her child, Greg's death had been so sudden. He didn't even die protecting his son; Steven was back at the carwash in the care of Engineer when Greg's van was waylaid by some idiot running a red light.

By the time the mercenaries had arrived on the scene, there was nothing Medic could do. A service was held with the Gems and mercs in attendance. Steven, far too young to understand words or the implications of death, somehow still understood that it was a sad affair and had cried for hours afterward.

The mercenaries weren't terribly saddened; it was a horrible tragedy, yes, but the mercs had accepted that a lot of people they knew would be dying one way or another. They didn't exactly have a way to relate, since respawn and their severely lengthened lifespans made them just as difficult to kill, if not more so, than the Gems. The mercenaries had understood this and came to grips with it. Not that Greg's death wasn't devastating, but it certainly wasn't as traumatic as it could have been.

So soon after losing their leader, the Gems lost one of their bridges to humanity. Garnet wasn't extremely affected; she hadn't really had a very strong opinion of him one way or another. She was still devastated yes, especially since Steven had now lost his father as well as his mother, but she recovered quickly.

Amethyst had been worse; she was great friends with Greg, and often spent hours with him just goofing off. Losing both him and Rose caused the young Gem to leave the Temple in devastated frustration. It took Scout several months before he could coax her back, and even then she was still depressed for a time.

Ironically, Pearl was affected the most. It was clear from the very beginning that the pale Gem had thought of Greg as nothing more than a passing fancy, a phase that her great and beautiful Rose was going through. As their relationship became increasingly serious, Pearl viewed the human with a venomous disdain; how dare he even _stand_ near her wonderful Rose? He shouldn't be looking at her that way, only _Pearl_ was allowed to look at Rose that way. Things came to a head when Rose made The Announcement. Giving up her physical form just so that another small, short-lived human can be brought into the world? Pearl had laughed it off. When it was clear that Rose wasn't joking, Pearl had nearly skewed the musician in front of everyone. Only Garnet was able to hold her back, she was so furious. Rose had been driven to tears at this. It had taken a while, but Pearl had finally accepted Rose's decision; yet not without harboring a vicious, powerful hatred for Rose's 'pet' human.

When Rose had…passed, Pearl had turned all her bitterness, resentment, frustration and despair onto Greg, because no matter what the pale Gem told herself, she could never force those emotions onto the tiny, half-human, half-Gem child that had once been her dear Rose Quartz. Pearl had spent long days in the Temple, mourning, and always found a way to escape whenever Greg visited with baby Steven. After a few months, she had started to recover. Pearl still hated Greg, and used him as a conduit for her soul-crushing despair, but she was slowly beginning to wean herself of that particular bitterness.

Then Greg died.

The moment Pearl had heard the news, her whole world came to a screeching halt. She felt numb, hollow, even. The alabaster Gem refused to believe a word of this lie; of course Greg hadn't died, the others were merely trying to get her to reconcile with the human and finally meet the child, face-to-face. She had yelled at Engineer for using such a cruel and underhanded trick to manipulate her and told him to leave. Pearl didn't believe anything the mercenaries told her about Greg's demise.

That is, until she saw the body.

All of those powerful negative emotions that had once been focused singularly on Greg were now without an anchor. As such, Pearl inadvertently turned those emotions inward, and they were made worse with the knowledge that now Rose's child had neither a father nor a mother to help guide him in this world. Pearl felt sick to her nonexistent stomach. She could burst unannounced into screams and start crying, but also sit silently for hours on end. Sometimes she felt like going on solo missions for the rest of her life, sometimes she felt like she never wanted to leave her friends' sides. Nothing gave her joy; everything Gem-related conjured up memories of Rose Quartz-her dear, beloved Rose, and everything human-related made her think of Greg-a sweet, short-lived human who cared too much for the people around him. Every time she remembered how awful she had treated Greg, Pearl felt like throwing up. Yet Pearl persevered. It wasn't easy; every day seemed more emotionally taxing than the last, and being surrounded by the mercs only made it worse.

Then Engineer had asked her if she would come to Greg's funeral, and Pearl had broken down in front of him.

She had to go, how could she not? Even Gems understood the severity and finality of death, and had once orchestrated great ceremonies for warriors and nobles who had been shattered. Pearl felt as though this was her last chance to say something to mend what bridges she had burned. A last chance at some sort of redemption in Rose's eyes.

But when she saw Greg laying there in the casket, dressed up and looking like he could have just been enjoying that human pastime known as sleep…there were no words good enough.

Pearl thought that no words would ever be enough.

Throughout the whole ceremony, the pale Gem had felt as though she was merely ordering herself what to do, rather than be the one to actually do it. _You have to greet all of these humans now, Pearl. You have to follow the human preacher now, Pearl. You have to walk out to the graveyard now, Pearl. You have to put a rose on his casket now, Pearl._

Only after Greg had been lowered into the earth and everyone had returned to the Temple had Pearl finally let her tears flow freely.

She had eventually recovered from the ordeal, but never completely, and any mentions of Greg stirred up those familiar and disgusting feeling of self-loathing.

The alabaster Gem shook her head to clear her thoughts; she couldn't focus on that now, she needed to think of a way to stop the Red Eye.

Pearl turned back to Scout to ask him exactly where he had remembered seeing the Light Cannon, but for some reason her voice refused to work.

Garnet unintentionally came to her rescue, "Do you remember _where_ you last saw it?"

Scout looked at the tall Gem as if he had just awoken from a dream, "Whuh?...Oh, yeah right right, sorry. The last place I can remember seeing it was when we helped him move a bunch of stuff into his storage unit for safekeeping. He didn't wanna lose anything, right? So I'm moving all this sh-stuff…" Scout gives a sidelong glance to Steven, "…and I see this weird crystal-lookin' thing. At the time I didn't give it a second thought, cuz' Greg liked to collect weird things. But now you're talking about Rose having this Light Cannon, and I can't help but think, 'was that it?'."

Garnet is quiet for a while, "It's certainly possible that Rose entrusted the cannon to Greg."

"Yeah, but why?" Amethyst interjects, "Greg was great and all, but he didn't know anything about Gem stuff. Heck, he avoided it whenever possible. Why would she give him a super-powerful weapon?"

Steven, who had been quiet for a short while, spoke up, "Maybe she thought my dad could keep it somewhere safe?"

"Possible." Garnet says.

"Either way," Engineer says, straightening up, "Someone's gotta go check out that warehouse; we still pay the monthly fees, so everything should still be there."

Scout is quick to step up, "I'll go. I'm the guy who last saw the thing anyway."

"I will also go." Heavy moves next to Scout. "Cannon is big; may need bigger man to lift."

"Eh, me too; I'm not much use to ya here." Demo says, packing his grenade launcher away.

"I'll come with you," Sniper walks over with a set of keys in his hand, "We can take my van."

Pearl stays quiet for a second, wringing her hands in silent indecision, before moving to stand next to the gathered mercenaries. "I-I'm coming too."

Her confidence wavers for a moment as everyone else gives her quizzical looks. The pale Gem flushes and raises her chin, "W-well, it's a sensitive and delicate piece of Gem technology! What would happen if one of you were to accidentally hold it the wrong way and it activates in the middle of Beach City? I should come with you just in case-after all, Rose trusted me the most."

Gradually, the others stop giving her odd looks. Engineer keeps staring at the Gem for a little while before he finally nods, "Alrighty then, the rest of us will stay here and work on a plan B just in case the cannon isn't there-"

"It is!"

"-or if it's broken," The Texan ignored Scout's outburst, "And we can't activate it. Yes, Steven?"

The half-Gem lowered his hand and fidgeted a bit in place when the others turned their attention to him, "Can I...um…" He looks up at Engineer with pleading eyes, "Can I go with them?"

For a split second, everyone freezes. The group was careful to not talk about Greg too much in front of Steven, similar to how they skirted around the topic of Rose Quartz. While this was certainly effective in avoiding awkward topics and conversations, it only made the young Gem even more curious about his parents. Steven was savvy enough to avoid asking direct questions about his father and his mother, but that didn't mean he had no interest in learning about them. So he tried to learn all he could in small amounts-a little bit here, a little bit there-so that he didn't make his family feel uncomfortable.

And here was an opportunity to learn about both his father and his mother at the same time.

Engineer was the first to recover. He coughs into his hand to clear his throat, "Uh…any particular reason why you wanna tag along?"

"Well," The half-Gem kicks the sand, "I mean, you guys are all doing something to help stop this Red Eye, and I figure that I can help by going with them to look for the Light Cannon. I don't think I'll be of much use to you guys if I just stand around here waiting."

Pearl often forgot how similar Steven was to his mother…

Before anyone else could act, the alabaster Gem walked over to Steven and ruffled his hair, "Of course you can come along, Steven." She says softly, "You'll be a big help."

Scout is quick to follow up, "Hey, maybe your magic bellybutton can find the thing."

"That's not exactly what I meant…" Pearl comments dryly.

Steven, however, is elated. He looks down at his gem in amazement, "Can I do that?"

"Steven, gems don't work like that."

"Aw, but it would be so cool! Like, the closer I got to the Light Cannon, the brighter my gem would glow! Like a gem-metal-detector!" The half-Gem holds up his shirt, making "weeee-wooo" sounds similar to a metal detector as he walks back and forth.

The mercenaries and Gems laugh lightly at Steven's antics; even in the face of their likely demise the child could make them laugh. He really was one of a kind.

"Okay," Engineer says, clapping his hands to draw attention, "You guys better head out now; it should be at least an hour 'till that Red Eye gets too close for comfort. We'll work on a contingency plan just in case."

"A contingency that involves ROCKETS!"

Before Engineer could stop him, Soldier pulled out his Bull Mutilator 6000 and began charging up the weapon's secondary mode of fire. After a brief moment, the launcher discharged a massive bolt of plasma-propelled energy directly at the Red Eye. The patriot lowered his weapon, allowing the steaming and sparking weapon to cool down. He grinned maniacally and lifted his helmet so that he could better see as the destructive payload sped towards its target. There was a muted bang as the bolt hit the Red Eye dead-on.

It had absolutely no effect.

Soldier frowned and dropped his helmet back over his eyes. He looked back down at his launcher and turned it over in his grasp.

"…I'm gonna need a bigger launcher…" He grumbles to himself.

Spy rolls his eyes, "Really?"

Soldier whips around and sneers at the Frenchman, "At least I'm _trying_ to do something you French-tart maggot!"

"Don't sweat it Solly," Amethyst says as she walks over to Garnet, "We got this. Plan B?"

Garnet nods, "Plan B."

The tall Gem then picks up Amethyst and jumps into the air, executing a perfect quintuple-flip at the apex of her leap and pitching the purple Gem at the Red Eye. Garnet sticks the landing and Amethyst flies towards the Gem scanner with all the force of a thunderbolt thrown by a furious god.

" _RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-!_ "

* _gong_ *

Everyone except Garnet and Steven winced and hissed sympathetically as Amethyst peeled off the Red Eye and fell into the ocean.

A less sympathetic man might compare it to how a bird would peel off of a window after flying blindly into it and flop onto the ground.

"…We should get going." Heavy whisper/rumbles after a moment. Sniper nods.

"I'll go warm up the van." The Australian says, going to do just that

Engineer waves over his shoulder, "Good luck." He then pulls out his PDA and starts typing commands into it, conversing with Medic and Spy about where and what to build. Soldier and Pyro listen in, but don't really contribute ideas of their own.

Standing off from the mercs, Garnet stares at the six individuals moving to the hidden garage behind the cliffs, keeping a particularly close eye on Pearl.

* * *

Sniper's van rolls at a moderate pace through the streets of Beach City, careful to mind the turns due to the small trailer hitched behind it.

A few decades ago, Sniper's camper van was a small one-or-two man vehicle that could arguably hold up to six people-two in the front, four in the back-with some squeezing. Heavy, due to his girth, counted as about two-and-a-half people, so transportation might have been an issue.

However, after their secession from Mann Co., the mercenaries realized that they would have to rely on about three vehicles for day-to-day transportation (vehicles were harder to get during the 1970's). With the RED truck situated to hauling weapons and ammo, and their Red Bread van more useful for covert ops, Sniper begrudgingly allowed Engineer to retro-fit his van for transportation. The design and materials upgraded in accordance with human advancements in technology, and Engineer always was a few steps ahead with his access to Gemtech (he was careful to not make the van _too_ advanced-looking).

The result was a rather clean and advanced camper van that was twice as long as its original design. Heavy armor plating reinforced everything except the windows-which were custom-made by Engineer to be the most bullet-resistant glass in the world-and the tires-which could self-inflate and seal off breaches should they be punctured. Everything on the van was made from self-repairing materials, so bullet holes and explosion damage would disappear after a time. Hidden turrets were laced all around the van at strategic points to ward off vehicle pursuits.

But the greatest strength of the van lay in its spaciousness: aside from the driver and passenger seats up front (which was separated from the rest of the van by a windowless door), the entire interior of the van relied on pocket dimension technology.

It was harder to create a pocket dimension for a medium-sized van than it was to create one in a small bag or satchel, but Engineer was creative. The interior of the van was the size of a small house; with the first room serving as a kitchen/living room/command center (the fridge and cupboards had pocket dimensions as well), the bathroom having multiple stalls so nobody would have to wait, and the bedroom having five sets of bunk beds and an offset operating table that doubled as an infirmary.

It was a perfect mobile barracks for the mercs when transportation by teleporters was not an option.

"How're you holdin' up back there, mates?" Sniper calls back from his position in the driver's seat. Scout is reclining in the passenger seat next to him, messing with the collector's bobblehead on the dashboard.

"We're fine lad," Demo answers, "Keep yur eyes on the road."

The Scotsman was leaning back in one of the nine leather seats surrounding a circular table in the center of the van. At the center of the table there was an inactive holo-projector. Two seats to his left sat Pearl, back perfectly straight and legs crossed yet somehow looking the picture of serenity. Steven had planted himself between them, slowly spinning on the rotating seat with a goofy smile.

On the other side of the room, Heavy was rummaging around in the fridge. After a brief moment of rustling plastic and clicking ceramic, the Russian emits a pleased "Ah-ha!" and emerges from the icebox, six plates balanced on his giant arms. He walks over to the table and sets one down in front of Demoman ("Thank ye."), careful to not disturb the perfect setup of the Sandvich. Heavy sets a second plate down in front of Steven ("Thanks!") and another in front of the currently unoccupied seat on Demo's right.

After carefully looking at the other three in his hand, Heavy picks one out from the rest and carefully places it in front of Pearl. The Gem opens her eyes and looks down at the Sandvich then gives Heavy a quizzical look, "Is it…?"

"Yes," The Russian says, pointing one gigantic finger at the toothpick in the center, "Is marked out from rest."

The toothpicks in the other Sandviches all pierced an olive before sticking into the white bread, whereas the toothpick in Pearl's Sandvich was topped with a plastic-you guessed it-pearl.

Back when Heavy had started making his amazing Sandviches during the Gravel Wars, Medic had been quick to catch on how the confections actually managed to heal wounds when consumed. In response, he charged the foodstuffs with a quick blast from his medigun. This drastically increased the Sandvich's ability to heal and also merged food with energy for the first time. Over the course of their employment at Mann Co., the crew of Team Fortress experimented with many different types of food and how they interacted with energy. The result was a vast array of snacks that actually made the mercenaries stronger on the battlefield.

Of course, when Engineer heard that Pearl actually enjoyed the taste of several types of human food (tea, pies, etc.) but abhorred the digestive process that followed it, the Texan had made it his personal mission to create an entirely energy-based food. Why? Because he felt like it. Also because it was a unique and interesting challenge for him and he wanted the Gem to experience the holy grail of food that is the Sandvich.

After a couple weeks of failed experiments and the extermination of self-aware meals, Engineer and Medic had created the world's first energy-based Sandvich. There was no actual organic matter present in the meal. These Sandviches were useless to organics-they taste good, yet provide none of the nutritional value from normal Sandviches since they just dissipate once consumed-but a foodstuff based entirely out of energy was great for a Gem's physical form. Once the Sandvich is consumed, it dissipates into energy that a Gem can absorb. If they were in peak condition, it still served as a pretty tasty junk food.

Pearl had been skeptical at first and was unwilling to try and put herself through that 'horrible' process known as digestion, but she eventually caved when Rose had asked her to 'just try it'. She grimaced the entire time she held the Sandvich and closed her eyes before she bit into it.

Scout was lucky enough to catch a picture of the expression she made once the flavor hit, because from then on Pearl was very careful to school her features whenever she partook in the 'guilty pleasure' known as the Sandvich. Even so, Amethyst and Scout had teased her for days afterward. For special occasions, Engineer would fix up energy-based meals for Pearl so she wouldn't feel left out. (She really didn't, but she very much appreciated the Texan's efforts.)

Pearl smiled when she noticed the little marker denoting her Sandvich as different from the others, "Ah, I see. Thank you." She then removed the toothpick, picked up the Sandvich, and took a small bite, all with her characteristic poise.

Heavy nodded and went to deliver the remaining Sandviches to Scout and Sniper in the front. For a short while, the only sounds in the room were the happy chews of three individuals enjoying a delicious snack.

"Sho," Steven began when the silence stretched on, "Whu-"

"Steven, don't talk with your mouth full," Pearl admonished lightly, taking hidden pleasure in the warm sensation she felt in her stomach when the bite of Sandvich dissolved into energy.

The half-Gem swallowed, "Sorry. I was just going to ask, what exactly does this Light Cannon do?"

"I've been curious about that meself," Demo added, "Does it fire a great big cannonball, some kinda energy pulse or…?" He trailed off, taking a bite of his Sandvich as he waited for Pearl to answer.

Pearl furrowed her brow as she thought of how best to explain the Light Cannon; there haven't been any Red Eye attacks since the late fourteenth century, so of course the mercenaries haven't seen it in action.

"Well," She began, setting down her now-empty plate and clasping her hands together, "When activated, the cannon releases a continuous blast of light energy in a direction. The cannon doesn't stop firing until the beam hits a target, at which point the cannon cuts off its energy blast and goes dormant once more." Pearl supplements her explanations with a holographic projection of the Light Cannon firing at a (much smaller) Red Eye. Demoman, Steven and Heavy-who had wandered back in during the explanation-look on in amazement.

"Woah-ho-ho!" Demo says as the Red Eye in the projection just _explodes_ , "That's some serious firepower!"

"Is biggest gun." Heavy adds, taking a bite of his Sandvich and chewing quieter than normally.

"It looks AWESOME!" Steven exclaims, stars in his eyes.

Pearl smiled lightly, "A projection doesn't really do it justice," The Gem says, "You need to see it in person. It's one of the most beautiful and amazing things I've ever witnessed." She sighs, fondly remembering the times she's seen the cannon in action, "Hopefully Scout's memory is correct and the Light Cannon is at this…storage unit; if not, then…"

"Hey hey hey, now," Demoman says, drawing Pearl out of her thoughts, "Scout's a lotta things. A… _lot_ o' lot o' things, actually," The Scotsman scowls for a moment before shaking his head, "But I very much doubt that the lad's lyin' about this."

Heavy finishes off his Sandvich and nods, "Scout is little man, but little man has good head. He remembers things most of us forget. Only Spy is better."

"Aw, thanks big guy!"

The four turn to see Scout and Sniper emerge from the drivers' seat. Scout takes the two empty plates in his hands over to the dishwasher and tosses them in. "You _do_ care about me!"

"Do not make me regret it," The Russian warns, a wry grin giving away his joking nature, "We are at destination then?"

"Yeah," Sniper answers, opening the exit door and walking out, "But we better get going, I don't think we have too much time left."

The others quickly vacate their seats and follow the Australian outside. Everyone not wearing sunglasses shields their eyes at the sudden shift in light. Pearl is the first to recover and looks in the direction of the approaching Red Eye. She gasped. "Oh no…"

The others turn and follow her gaze. Heavy frowns, "Is not good."

In the middle of the sky, the giant eyeball had nearly tripled in size from when they six had last seen it. It wasn't exactly a positive note.

Sniper pressed two fingers to his ear, activating the concealed communicator, "Oi truckie, we just arrived. What's happening down there?"

" _We're working on it."_ Came the slightly static-y reply.

Suddenly there was a loud sound-similar to the hissing one heard when they launched a firework. As they watched, a great mass of rockets sped out from the beach directly at the Red Eye. Behind the explosives, Amethyst was flying through the air again, releasing her trademark war cry. The rockets exploded against the Gem device two seconds before Amethyst made contact. From their position, the results of the attack were very much the same as before.

"Anything?" Sniper asks into his communicator once Amethyst had splashed back into the ocean.

" _Dang it, no effect."_ The adults sigh at this depressing news, _"I'm starting to think that cannon's gonna be our best bet. Check back in when you determine that it's there or not."_

"Gotcha, Sniper out," The Australian cut the call and turns to the rest of his group, "We'd best a move on mates. Scout, get that door open."

The Bostonian tips his hat, "Sure!" and rushes over to the steel door of the storage unit and starts picking the lock. He cracks the lock in under a minute and pulls the shutter up.

Scout then looks inside, "Oh crap."

The locker is completely stuffed with boxes. Like, completely stuffed. Worse-than-Amethyst's-room, stuffed.

Okay that last one wasn't true, but you get the idea. Pearl twitched involuntarily when she saw it, but quickly suppressed that particular sensation.

Scout looks around at the mess in front of him, searching for a box that he could remove safely. He touches one that he thinks is perfect, and immediately causes a mini-garbage avalanche.

Demo whistles as he looks at the mountain of clutter, "This might be harder than we thought…"

"Ugh," Pearl groans, "It will take _hours_ before we clear out this storage unit!"

Steven stares thoughtfully at the small opening Scout had created, "Maybe we don't have to…"

The adults watch as the half-Gem picks up a nearby sock, flashlight, and a series of extension cords. Before they could even ask him what he was the doing, Steven ties the flashlight to his head with the sock. It was actually kinda adorable.

He then wraps a bunch of extension cords around himself like a belt, and offers the other end to Pearl.

"I'm going in." He says with all the seriousness of a heart attack.

The adults just stand there for a moment, watching this kid with a flashlight tied to his head with a stretched-out sock and extension cords wrapped around him like a lifeline about to dive into a cluttered storage unit. Acting like it was some big monumental moment in his life.

Of course, the adults break down into laughing fits-Pearl included- for a few seconds. When they look up again, Steven has the biggest crap-eating grin on his face.

"Oh, Steven," Pearl says, grasping the other end of the cord and wiping a tear off her face, "You're too much."

The half-Gem shrugs, "I try." He then walks over to the small opening, flicks on his flash-light helmet, and crawls through.

"Woah, cool!" He says after a moment, "It's like a museum!" Steven continues crawling deeper and deeper into the storage shed, careful to not step on anything breakable, "Oh-found something!"

Demoman raises an eyebrow, "Already?"

There is a sound of things being moved around in the shed, and Steven huffs, "No, wait…sorry false alarm," A pause, "…Did my dad golf?"

The adults all look at each other, "Uh…I don't think so, why?" Pearl asks.

"I just found a bag of golf clubs."

"He had a bag of golf clubs just lying around?" Sniper mumbles, scratching the side of his head, "Huh."

Steven is quiet for a little while; the only sounds coming from the shed were the shuffling and clicking of junk being moved around.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" Steven exclaims, and the adults hear junk being moved around quickly. "Is this a…" There is a sharp discharge of air.

Scout bends down to the opening and sticks his head through, "Hey kiddo, what's up? Find something interesting?"

" _Did you find the Light Cannon?"_ Everyone silently urges.

"My dad had a t-shirt cannon? That's awesome!"

Quiet groans circle through the group at another false alarm. Pearl looks back and forth between the shed and the Red Eye, "That's nice, Steven," She calls, "But we need you to find the Light Cannon, remember?"

"Oh yeah, right. Sorry, I just thought that…huh."

Steven goes quiet for a little while; completely quiet, as if he isn't moving. Pearl speaks up, "Steven? Is something wrong?

The half-Gem remains silent, and the adults begin to worry, but Steven finally answers.

"I just…I found a box of CDs in here…'Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart, by Mr. Universe'…Guys?"

Demo coughs, "Uh, yeah laddie?"

"What…what was my dad like?"

There it was, The Question, and at possibly the worst time too. Everyone had been preparing for a moment like this, but that didn't mean that they were ready. Pearl in particular felt that she would never be ready. Four mercs and a Gem all look at each other, wondering how they could answer, and even if they _should_ answer.

Heavy makes a decision and steps forward.

"A good man," He rumbles.

' _A better man than we.'_ The Russian thinks bitterly before pushing that train of thought away, "Not special, like us, but a good man still."

"Bloke loved music; heck, he was better than truckie on the guitar." Sniper says, leaning against a wall.

"He was always up for a good time," Scout remembers fondly with a smile on his face, "But he was always responsible enough to make sure we didn't take it too far."

"If ye were in a bad spot, he'd make time for ye. He was a real great guy." Demoman thought, omitting the fact that he had used to drink with the man.

Pearl was quiet for a long time, listening to the mercenaries relate tales of their times with Greg, trying to paint as accurate a picture of the man as possible. As they continue to add to a very long list of experiences, the Gem starts thinking about what she could say that wouldn't feel like a lie.

' _I hated him, I pushed him away for years and treated him like garbage…'_ The Gem thought morosely, _'I never really did get to know him…but what do I tell Steven?'_

' _The truth.'_ Pearl realizes. She closes her eyes and smiles sadly.

"…He loved your mother very much."

The mercs turn to the Gem in astonishment; out of everyone, Pearl was the _least_ likely to sing Greg's praises, and yet that was exactly what she was doing. Hell, she was _acknowledging_ Greg's love of Rose!

They were further astonished as she continued; "Everything Greg did…he did it for Rose. And Rose…Rose loved him for it. If Rose was sad, Greg was there to cheer her up; and he always did, no matter the circumstances. He was just an ordinary human, but he tried his best to help us out whenever he could. And when Rose and Greg were together, you could tell that they were…" Pearl swallowed in her suddenly dry throat, "You could tell that they were…made for each other…"

It physically hurt to admit that; and for the whole world to hear no less. Pearl presses her fists to her breast, trying to stifle the constricting feeling in her chest. A droplet of water lands on her hand, and when it is joined by two more, the Gem realizes that she is crying. Pearl rubs her eyes with a hand, trying not to be so self-conscious about how much of a mess she looks like right now…

The Gem is startled out of her reverie by a large hand gently patting her back. Turning her head, Pearl sees Heavy giving her a gentle look as he comforted her.

Normally, Pearl only had extended physical contact with Engineer, Spy, and (if things were bad enough) sometimes Medic. Normally, Pearl would have shied away from the gentle giant's touch and made the whole situation more awkward. Normally…

Normally, Pearl wouldn't have admitted that Greg and Rose were right for each other, but it seemed as though things weren't going normally today. The alabaster Gem settles into Heavy's comforting touch and just relaxes there for a second, "And he loved you very much as well, I'm sure of it."

Pearl opens her eyes and looks at the other mercs. Demo is giving her a gentle smile and a knowing look. Sniper tips his hat at her as he leans on the wall. Scout-tactless, brash Scout-is giving her a wry grin and a thumbs-up. For how crude the gestures are, Pearl feels touched by them; here she is, a millennium-old, super-powered Gem warrior being comforted by four pseudo-humans who she has sworn to protect. It'd be funny, really, if it wasn't quite so sobering.

Steven is quiet for a while as he digests what the adults said about his late father, "…Wow. My dad sounds…pretty cool."

"Heck yeah, he was," Scout says, trying to shift the mood before it becomes too depressing, "He had a great sense of humor as well, I think you inherited that from him."

Sniper chuckles, "He was just as insufferably optimistic too."

Everyone else laughs a little at this, even Pearl, who has now moved out of Heavy's grip with a quiet "Thank you". The Gem wipes the last traces of tears from her eyes. "Greg had this weird human saying that I'm pretty sure he invented himself. He always used it whenever something didn't go exactly as planned," She taps her chin, "Wasn't it about…pork rinds?"

"I think it was about pork chops and hotdogs," Demo says, scratching his eyepatch, "Lemme see if I can remember…'If every hotdog were perfect…' Wait, no it was 'If every _pork chop_ were perfect...'."

"'We wouldn't have hotdogs.'" Heavy finishes, "Is about making something good out of bad situation. Always found it funny-"

"Guys! Guys!" Steven yells, interrupting the Russian mid-speech. Everyone turns their attention to the storage unit, "I think I found it!"

"Wait, for real?" Scout says as he stands up, "No joke?"

"Yeah! I'm sure it is! It looks exactly like the Light Cannon in Pearl's projection!"

Demo cheers and claps his hands, "Good job laddie!"

"Very good!"

"Heck yes!"

Pearl stands still, smiling softly, "Excellent job Steven!" She calls, before looking back down at her feet. _He really did keep it safe…_

"Okay, now we just gotta get it out! One sec…" Steven goes silent for a moment as he moves some things around in the shed, "Alright! I tied the cords around the cannon. Just hook it up to the van and pull it out!"

Heavy steps forward and grasps a section of the extension cords in his large hands, "Is no need for that; Pearl, Demoman, help me with this."

The two take up positions next to the large Russian and each take a portion of the cord. Demoman looks back at the other two, "We go on three! One…two…"

"THREE!" And they start pulling on the cord with all of their might.

Demoman, clearly the weakest of the three, is still fairly strong. Even before his augmentation, he had to lug around two very heavy launchers and their large ammunition. Not to mention the huge swords and shields that he also carried from time to time. Heavy is the undisputed strongman of Team Fortress; the large Russian weighing almost twice as much as Demo and-contrary to popular belief-that weight consisted of mostly muscle. He had to be muscular of course; firing that huge minigun day in and day out without hurting himself. Not only that, but when the other mercenaries would prefer a knife, a shovel or some other melee weapon, Heavy just charged in with his bare fists, slugging enemies hard enough to kill them in a single hit. Pearl, while not possessing as much pure strength as Garnet or (maybe) Amethyst, was still a Gem. With her superhuman strength, she was able to pull more weight than Heavy.

So when the three of them yanked on the cable at once, they began to pull the Light Cannon out of its cluttered prison. Careful not to tear their tether in two, the Gem and mercs began to slowly back up when they felt the boxes begin to give. A few more steps and a couple extra yanks for good measure, and they were making good progress; slowly extricating the cannon from the mess. The cluster of garbage eventually gave out on stubbornly remaining in position and was gradually pulled forward. They kept pulling for a little while until Scout called out for the three to stop.

Heavy grunted and released the cord in his hands, "Didn't even break sweat."

"Speak for yerself, ya great big beast…" Demo said, wiping a few droplets of sweat from his brow.

Pearl stared at the large amount of unorganized objects outside, in a pile, that she had helped create. Something felt fundamentally wrong in her being at the sight of this clutter. A quiet scream threatened to escape her throat.

The pale Gem shook her head and crushed that incessant inner voice telling her to clean up that mess _this instant_. "I'll fix it later." Pearl mumbles to herself like a mantra as she moves around to the back of the pile, Heavy and Demo right behind her.

At the rear end of the colossal mess, Pearl finds Scout, Sniper and Steven all admiring the Light Cannon. She had been certain that Greg had possessed Rose's keepsake when Steven announced its presence in the storage unit, but seeing it in front of her was still surreal. That familiar pain of knowing that Rose loved this odd human more than her reared its ugly head again. Pearl swiftly buried that pain and continued forward.

"So…here it is. Rose's Light Cannon." Pearl says in a whisper.

Scout turns to the Gem and grins, "See, I _toldja_ I knew where it was! Why ya gotta doubt me?"

Pearl rolls her eyes, "I didn't doubt your memory, I just-"

"Doubted the accuracy of my memory?"

"Scout, shut up," Sniper interjects as he looks away from the Light Cannon to the Red Eye- _'It's really close now.'_ Pearl thinks-and then back to his van, "We gotta get a move on."

Pearl nods and goes to stand at one end of the Light Cannon. She bends down and grips the base in her hands, "Heavy, could you give me a hand with this?"

The Russian nods and crouches down to pick up the other end. After a quick one-two-three, the duo hefts the Light Cannon into the air and swiftly moves it over to the van's attached trailer. They set it down gently, and are pleased when the structure buckles only slightly under the weight.

"Great job guys!" Steven cheers, giving the two a double-thumbs up. Heavy and Pearl smile at the child's heartfelt praise.

"Thank you Steven, but we should be thanking you for being the one to find the Light Cannon in the first place." Pearl says as she steps over to Steven and ruffles his hair. The half-Gem sticks his tongue out in a happy smile.

"Yo, what about me? Don't I deserve some thanks too?"

Pearl shakes her head, but a smile cracks her annoyed façade, "Fine Scout, I _suppose_ you do deserve some form of appreciation."

The Bostonian grins, "Yeah, that's right! Scout helped save the world once again. Oh, wait, lemme get my camera out, I need to record this ta' show the guys-"

"Get in the van you git." Demo says as he pushes the runner towards the vehicle, cutting off Scout's moment. Pearl, Steven and Heavy all snigger at the Scotsman's handling of Scout and the Bostonian's petulant complaints. They pile in to the van as well, and Sniper-still smiling at the others-hops into the driver's seat. He starts up the engine just as he activates his communicator, "Truckie, I got good news; the Light Cannon was in the storage shed. We're bringin' it down right now."

" _Great! I don't wanna rush you fellas, but we might not have too much time left before the Red Eye reaches us. We'll see if we can delay it a little more."_

Sniper frowned at Engineer's report, "We can get there in five minutes, hold on." The Australian presses the gas pedal a little harder than he should, and has to swerve a few times to avoid crashing into stop signs and pedestrians.

* * *

In the main room of the van, kept safe from the sudden shifts in momentum by dimensional shock absorbers, Steven turns over a small case in his hands, scrutinizing it. Scout, heedless of the nuances of personal space, looks over the half-Gem's shoulder.

"Whatcha got there little man?"

Steven turns to Scout, only slightly startled, before turning back to the case in his hands and frowning, "…You know how, back in the storage shed, I found a box of CDs my dad made? Well…" The young boy holds a CD case, a very familiar cartoony visage on the front cover, "I kinda…took one of 'em with me. I was thinking, since my dad was a pretty good musician, that we could listen to it on the way home?"

Scout, knowing exactly what the song on that disc entailed, turned to the others in the room with an uncertain expression on his face. Demo and Heavy look at each other for a moment, shrug, and then turn to the last person seated at the table.

Pearl wilts under the three gazes; no she did not want to hear a song in which Greg would go on and on about how he wasn't exactly the greatest guy for Rose, but she still loved him anyway. Besides, even Greg had agreed that this particular song was _not_ his best work, despite the fact that Rose seemed to adore it. The Gem was ready to shake her head and say no when a thought occurred to her.

Aside from a few testimonies from his 'family', Steven had no idea just who his father had been as a person. Seeing the trove of treasures in his old storage shed had given him a bit of insight, but not much, especially considering that most of the stuff in that shed wasn't indicative of Greg's character. What kind of person just hoards a bag of golf clubs and never uses them? And then Pearl had another thought. Steven had never even _heard_ his father's voice, or rather; he doesn't remember the times he did. The few CDs and old songs that Greg recorded were the closest thing the half-Gem had to hearing his father speak. Would she really deprive him of this just due to what was essentially a petty jealousy?

Of course not; Pearl nodded to Scout. The Bostonian looks surprised-he should really have gotten over it by now, today has just been a string of firsts-but turns back to Steven and gives him a smile.

"Sure thing pal, how 'bout you lemme throw that thing in the player for ya?"

The half-Gem's face looks like it could split in two with the magnitude of the grin he has when he hands the CD case over to Scout. The Bostonian, using some of his characteristic flair, pulls the CD out of its case onto the tips of his fingers and flicks it into the holo-projector on the center of the table (it doubles as a music player). The projector takes a moment before it accepts the CD, and it is a few seconds more before the track starts playing.

It is somewhat crude, a bit self-deprecating, and absolutely hammy. Pearl feels somewhat sad, and a little angry, when she hears Greg go on about driving his van 'into your heart', whatever that meant. It definitely isn't one of his better works, and the Gem is quick to turn her nose up at it (figuratively, of course). But then she looks at Steven, listening intently to the lyrics and trying to gauge his father's character from those alone. The half-Gem then starts bouncing and bobbing in time to the music, getting a feel for the rhythm, and mumbling the words under his breath in an attempt to memorize them. Pearl can't stay upset at this, especially when Scout, Demo and Heavy try to get Steven to join them in a little dance-along to the music (the mercs were all surprisingly adept at synchronized dancing, even Soldier). She smiles as she watches the four of them enjoy their little moment together.

And, if the Gem is being honest with herself, she can't but feel a little bit of herself in the lyrics of the song. She was but a pearl; a servant, a trophy, nothing more than an object. And yet, Rose chose _Pearl_ to be her confidant.

 _Her_ Pearl.

* * *

Meanwhile, things weren't looking so good for Beach City. The Red Eye was now close enough to the beach that it had bathed everything in a pale white/pink light. The citizens of the boardwalk had finally realized that something may be wrong, and they made the wise decision to start evacuating. On the beach, near the Crystal Temple, six figures were trying to delay the Red Eye's approach by any means possible.

Medic and Spy went over what data and information they had received from their previous attacks on the Red Eye. Their conclusion? They weren't doing anything to damage it.

Pyro stood between them, soundlessly staring into the Red Eye as if its piercing, soulless gaze alone would be enough to turn the Gem scanner away. It didn't appear to be working, but the firebug refused to turn from the device (it probably wasn't blinking either).

Soldier held a Bull Mutilator in each hand and periodically fired a double-burst from his weapons once they had reloaded. Since he had all the time in the world to line up his shot, he didn't have to worry about recoil. Sadly his attacks appeared to be ineffective, a fact that was quickly beginning to infuriate the patriot.

Garnet, having thrown Amethyst a short while ago, stood like a statue as she gazed into the erratically twitching pupil of the Red Eye. The Gem peered into the future and tried to discern the most likely outcome of today. But it did little good as she saw only two possibilities; either the others would return with the Light Cannon and activate it, or they wouldn't, and Beach City would be destroyed.

Engineer was furiously setting up more and more level 4 Specialization: Rocketburst Sentry Guns along the beach, with level 4 Amplifiers spaced in between to multiply the damage of each gun's twelve-rocket burst. The Texan ran back and forth, madly whacking each and every building to get them to build/reload faster. Once they were all ready, Engineer pulled out what appeared to be a joystick with a small radar dish in front of it. Every Sentry he had built on the beach immediately switched to 'Wranglin' mode and acquired the target Engineer was pointing out. The Texan pulled back the joystick on the device and a deafening bang split the air as every Sentry Gun fired at once. Engineer held down on the joystick until every last Sentry beeped the 'empty clip' alarm. The Red Eye appeared to be slightly singed on one point, but that was all. Engineer let loose a string of colorful curses as he put his Wrangler (v3.8) away and returned to whacking the buildings with his wrench to speed up their reload time. No matter what they did, nothing seemed to be effective against the Red Eye, even critically charged rockets didn't scratch the surface. The Texan was seriously considering an evacuation of the Temple/Fortress when a familiar car horn broke his concentration.

Everyone on the beach turned to see Sniper's van, tugging a trailer holding what looked suspiciously like a cannon, come barreling onto the sand and tear through the dunes towards them, honking all the way.

Amethyst, who had just been washed back to shore, looked up to Garnet expectantly, "Hey, throw me again! I think I'm cracking it," When the tall Gem didn't respond, Amethyst looked up the beach to the van, "No way…"

"They made it." Garnet said with a small smile.

"YEEE-HAWW!" Engineer cheered as the van passed by his position and parked just north of the shoreline. Soldier had dropped his ineffective launchers and was fist-pumping rapidly. Medic and Spy had started their way over to the van and were ready to provide any assistance they could. Pyro was bouncing up and down in place, clapping its hands giddily and giggling like a mad-(insert noun). For a moment, everything looked as though it would be alright.

Then the Red Eye crossed a certain threshold and activated a type of vacuum, sucking in vast volumes of air. Those on the beach hunkered down and held onto their hats for dear life. Engineer's buildings were safe; they had automatically dug themselves in when they sensed a change in wind speed, but the same could not be said for the beach house. Boards of wood and shingles peeled away from the outermost layer of the home and were swept up into the pupil of the Red Eye. The air was filled with sand and dirt as gusts of wind vacuumed indiscriminately. More boards of wood and plaster were sucked away from the stores on the edge of the beach; Pyro had to jump out of the way of a flying 'Beach Citywalk Fries' sign to avoid being bisected.

Seeing this, Sniper quickly kills the engine and leaps out of the van. He runs to the side door and rapidly bangs on it three times in succession, "Let's go lads, c'mon!"

As fast as possible, the occupants of the van exit and step onto the sand. They stare in fear at how close the Red Eye is and the devastating effect it's having on the beach and nearby shops.

"Very bad!" Heavy shouts, grabbing Pearl's arm and pulling her to the trailer, "Come! We must hurry."

The Gem, a bit flustered at being snatched up like that, quickly finds her footing and nods, "Y-yes, of course." They hop up into the trailer and cart the Light Cannon down to the beach, plopping it in front of Engineer's rocket array. Everyone takes a moment to regroup there.

"Ve have to activate it _now_ ," Medic yells over the cacophony of violent winds, "If it gets any closer, zhe debris from an explosion vill still level zhe city!"

Garnet turns to Pearl, "How do we fire the cannon?"

Pearl runs her hands up and down the sides of the Gem weapon, trying and failing to find some kind of hidden switch, "I-I-I don't know! It was Rose's, she never told me how it worked!" The alabaster Gem stops as a flash of realization crosses her features, "Rose…Steven!" The boy jumps a bit when he hears his name yelled, " _You_ have Rose's gem! If anyone can activate it, you can!"

Steven lifts up his shirt to peer at the five-facet pink gemstone, when his sense of gravity suddenly shifts.

"That's it!" Amethyst shouts as she lifts Steven over her head and carries him over to the Light Cannon.

"Amethyst, what are you doing?!" Pearl shouts.

"I don't know! Something!" The purple Gem yells back as she starts rubbing Steven-belly first-all along the length of the cannon. When nothing happens, she changes her position and angle several times, "Ugh…c'mon!"

Eventually, Soldier moves over to the purple Gem,"Stop that!" He growls.

Amethyst just groans and lets go of Steven, leaving the young half-Gem to hang on for dear life, "Fine, just throw me again!" The shorter Gem moves towards Garnet when she is stopped by a gloved hand.

"There's no point!" Engineer cries, "Nothing else we've done so far has had any effect! That cannon is our best bet, we just hafta figure out _how_ it works!"

"No no no, the VAN!"

Everyone looks over to see Scout, Sniper and Demoman trying to keep the Australian's van from sliding any further into the ocean. Garnet, realizing the importance of the vehicle, leaps over and grabs hold of the rear bumper, keeping it from moving any further. The suction of the Red Eye is getting deafening now; the mercs and Gems all grabbing onto something to avoid being caught up in the storm.

Steven sees all of this from his position on the cannon, a pit opening in the center of his stomach as his fear and worry threaten to overcome the young boy. In desperation, he starts banging on the Light Cannon in an attempt to get it to fire.

"Please work! Unlock?! Activate?! Fire?! PLEASE!"

Nothing happens, Steven spares a glance around to check on everyone's condition.

Pyro is hunkered down behind the cannon along with Amethyst, Pearl, Soldier and Heavy. Medic, Spy and Engineer have taken refuge among the Texan's many buildings, which are now struggling to remain upright. Garnet is still holding on to the van-which Demo, Scout and Sniper are hiding behind-but even with the Gem's mighty strength, the vehicle still threatened to be pulled into the ocean.

"It's okay Steven!" Pearl says from her position behind the cannon, forcing a smile onto her face, "We'll…we'll think of something else! We always do!"

"H-hey, yeah!" Amethyst says, giving a smile of her own and trying to keep the stammer out of her voice, "We've come out of worse situations okay, don't worry little man!"

"This is _nothing_ compared to the Great Dustbowl Defense of '68! We won't let this maggot eye beat us! I REFUSE TO LET IT BEAT US!" Soldier screams in defiance of the Red Eye.

"Will think of other plan, Steven." Heavy reassures.

"Nnd tt'll bnn evrnnn bttrrr!" Pyro mumbles as it gives the half-Gem a thumbs up.

The Red Eye inches even closer now, and smaller boulders are now being picked up into the whirlwind. From the shoreline, Garnet grunts in effort as she tries to keep the van stable. One of Engineer's Sentry Guns is torn free from its position and flies into the maw of the Red Eye. Everyone buckles down as the winds increase in intensity.

Witnessing this, Steven becomes even more frantic, "Everyone's counting on you! I know you can help! I know you _want_ to help! You can't just be useless!" He begs the cannon, grasping tightly to it as if it were a lifeline, "…I can't be useless. I have to help my family! So please, just work! Or-or tell me what to do, and I'll do it! Give me a sign, some kind of message or reaction or glow-"

Suddenly, Steven remembers something-a slight hint he had received back at the storage shed when he had still be looking for the Light Cannon. The half-Gem stares down at the pale surface of the cannon and runs a hand over it, _'Maybe…?'_

' _Well,'_ Steven thinks to himself, _'The worst that could happen is it not activating'_ So he leans in close to the cannon and says, in almost a whisper, " _If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hotdogs."_

The Light Cannon blazes to life in a burst of bright pink, chasing away the harsher tones projected by the Red Eye. Everyone turns away from approaching eyeball and instead watch as the top of the Light Cannon splits apart and spreads out, looking very much like the flower of its creator's namesake. From the very center, a small protrusion emerges. Due to this drastic change in shape, Steven loses his grip on the cannon and falls to the ground. But the young boy couldn't be happier; he had done it! He had activated his mother's cannon and saved Beach City! "It's activating!" Pearl says, just as awestruck as everyone else.

Then the position locks on the cannon popped out, and the barrel of the Gem weapon fell nose-first onto the sand; pointing at too low of an angle to strike the Red Eye. Everyone gasps in astonishment.

But Steven refused to let it end like this. He rushes around to the front of the cannon and lifts it up all by himself-tapping into that latent Gem strength of his. Yet, the half-Gem was not strong enough to hold it all by himself, so he turns around in surprise when he feels a large portion of the weight disappear from his arms.

Behind him stood Pearl, and Heavy, each supporting a portion of the cannon's weight in their arms. On the other side of the cannon were Amethyst, Soldier and Pyro, doing the same for the other side of the cannon.

"Steven!" Pearl says, smiling at Steven and filling his heart with joy, "You did it!"

"Great job cadet!" Soldier cheers from his side of the cannon, Pyro chiming in with a burst of happy giggles.

"This is it, guys!" Amethyst says, and everyone turns their gazes forward to the Red Eye, staring at it with fury.

"INCOMIIIIIING!" Heavy shouts just as the Light Cannon finishes charging up and fires.

At first, the beam of pink light is just that-a beam of pink light-but then the light shifts and changes, taking on the form of a rose with two helixed vines rotating slowly around the main body of the beam. Before it makes impact, the light coalesces into the form of a woman with a hand outstretched; several smaller beams of light surrounding the woman's visage. And then the light hit the Red Eye.

Almost immediately, the Red Eye explodes outwards into many smaller shards of Gem tech that fly in every direction.

"Debris!" Garnet warns the others as the rubble threatens to damage Beach City.

"I'm on it!" Engineer says as he whips out his PDA and presses a single button, changing the targeting mode for his Sentries. The turrets respond to this order and each aim at a different piece of flying rock. They fire a full payload at each-sometimes two-before acquiring a different target. Now broken apart, depowered, and already damaged by Rose's Light Cannon, the chunks of Red Eye shatter easily from the crit-boosted rocket bursts. All in all, it only takes twenty-six total salvos before the more dangerous debris are nothing but powder.

For a while, there is only silence as everyone on the beach registers the situation. Then that silence is broken when Soldier saunters over to Steven and gives him a slap on the back, laughing all the while.

"Excellent work Steven! You and Engie over there saved all of those civilians! And with little to no property damage as well! I'm actually impressed!"

Steven rubs his back and smiles appreciably up at the patriot, "Thank you! It was really you guys who helped me fire the Light Cannon though."

Pearl looks from Steven to the Gem weapon a few times in slight confusion, "How did you get it to work?"

"I just said that thing that you guys told me my dad always said."

"…The saying about pork chops and hotdogs?"

"Mhmm," Steven says as he nods seriously, "When you guys said it at the storage shed, the Light Cannon glowed pink for a bit. That's actually how I found it. So I thought; maybe there was something important about the saying. And uh, well…I guess it was!"

Pearl absorbs this for a moment before sighing to herself and smiling softly, "I suppose so," She then turns and looks at the fading light one last time, subtly wiping a tear from her cheek as she did so.

' _She really did care for him…'_

"Hey-hey-hey! Lookit this little guy over here, saving all of our sorry butts!"

The group by the cannon turns to the approaching quartet of Scout, Demo, Sniper and Garnet (who is still pulling the van around by the bumper) when they heard the first speak, "I didn't doubt you for a second!"

"Liar," Garnet said as she walked past, "Where do you want me to put this?" She asks Sniper.

"Ah, just set it by the road; I'll drive it to the garage later." The Australian waves her off.

Garnet shrugs and starts pulling the van back to the edge of the beach, careful to mind her step.

Amethyst turns to Steven and gives him a friendly punch in the shoulder, "Scout's right though! You totally did save our butts dude!"

Steven blushes a bit at the praise, "Aw, it wasn't anything really difficult…"

"Don't sell yourself short, Steven," Pearl said as she ran her hand over the Light Cannon, "We wouldn't have found the Light Cannon, nor would we have figured out how to use it without your help. You did an excellent job."

"Pearl is right, you deserve a medal!"

"Steven is credit to team!"

"Sweet!"

"Huddah!"

"Aye, lad!"

Pearl smiles as she watches Steven's face slowly heat up from the praise of the mercenaries and Amethyst. She then turns back to the Light Cannon and regards it for a moment.

' _Now where exactly are we going to put you…oh, that reminds me, I need to clean up that mess from the storage unit earlier as well…'_

* * *

"Well, hello there beautiful. What's such a good-lookin' weapon like you doing all the way out here?"

"Engineer, you know I'm your friend, but we are _not_ going to take apart Rose's only Light Cannon just for the sake of science."

"But…but we could probably make it even better!"

"I said _no_ , Engineer."

"Alright, fine. The study's off, Medic."

"Ach, I told you ve should have just stolen it…"

"Ex- _CUSE_ me?!"

"Oh, you shouldn't have said that."

"Ja, that thought has crossed my mind."

* * *

 **AN: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You knew this was going to happen! You knew what you had signed up for when you starting reading a fanfic on Steven Universe! You might have thought that I'd save the sad moments until later on in the series, and you would be right.**

 **But wait a minute; an episode where Greg Universe is a titular character? Gee, I wonder how the characters would handle the fact that Greg is** _ **dead**_ **. So this is my solution as to how things might have went if that were the case.**

 **To those of you who say 'How can Greg's death be a more sensitive topic that Rose? Rose was with the Gems for thousands of years while Greg only knew them for a few decades.' I rebuke you with this; Greg didn't just die, he died only six months after Rose in a freak accident. Unlike how Rose gave the Gems and mercenaries advanced warning of her demise, Greg's just happened. And Greg is really dead, not 'kinda-sorta' like Rose who became a part of her son, but completely dead, as in departed from this world. So yeah, talking about Greg might** **sometimes** **be more sensitive than talking about Rose;** **sometimes,** **but not** **every time** **. Rose was still more influential to the Gems, and even the mercenaries, so she will obviously receive the most angst-related chapters, but certain chapters will relate to how the characters deal with Greg's death as well.**

 **Also, the part about Pearl feeling sick about how she treated Greg when he was alive is what I believe the actual character may feel should Greg have passed on so soon after Rose. Think about it; if one were to focus all of their negative emotions onto a person for stability, but then that person dies not too long afterward, how would you feel? I know I'd feel pretty shitty about the way I treated them when they were still alive. In my opinion, that's how I imagine Pearl reacting should Greg have died when he did in this fic.**

 **Oh, and concerning her admission that Greg and Rose were right for each other, that doesn't necessarily mean that Pearl won't be feeling Rose-related angst, far from it. This is just introducing the fact that Pearl** _ **also**_ **has to deal with Greg-related angst as well. Keep an eye on this trope; it might pop up again for different characters.**

 **In my opinion, Greg would probably have gotten along pretty well with some of the mercs, considering how well he and Amethyst knew each other. Scout is a prime example, so is Demoman, Engineer definitely, Heavy maybe, and to a lesser extent, Pyro. The others are either a) too standoffish (Spy, Sniper), b) too maniacal (Medic), or c) Soldier (Soldier) to form real close bonds with Greg, but they still liked and/or appreciated him. Scout probably would be the one to remember where the Light Cannon was if he helped move it (which he probably did) since Scout in-game is all about memorizing little paths or tricks to use against stronger opponents.**

 **Oh, and the part with the Sandviches just popped into my head when I was writing the rough draft. At first I was gonna have Heavy offer a Sandvich to everyone and Pearl would reject his offer because y'know, she hates digestion. But then I thought, "Hey, if Engineer could build all this crap, and is good friends with Pearl, why** _ **not**_ **have him make some kind of 'artificial food' so she can eat without having to digest?" And it works, because Engineer can literally make anything. Also, Sandviches; not even Pearl is immune to their allure.**

 **Don't worry about the mercenaries not having as big an impact this chapter; their effects on the future will be slow to start, but soon enough you'll see them.**

 **Anyways, that ends chapter two of Team Universe. I hope you enjoyed and/or were saddened by it, either one works really. Join us next time to see Steven attempt the Lunar Sea Spire test once again-but under different circumstances-, and witness the mercenaries meet an old, familiar foe on the battlefield once again.**

 **Reviews, please! Your words only grant me more power!**


	3. Chapter 3

Team Universe

 **Thank you to RagingContent, FrankZTank13, darkromdemon, boogie445 and all my other wonderful reviewers, followers and fav-ers!**

 **I'll try to reply to some reviews here in these opening author's notes from now on if you have a specific question or comment.**

 **To RagingContent: I'm amazed that my story has made you start caring about Steven Universe! And to be compared to KnightMysterio, even slightly, I…*sniff*…I need a moment…*horrendous overjoyed sobbing* Anyways! Engineer, Medic, Spy and Pearl have regularly collaborated on tech projects during their time together and have created some pretty amazing things. I have special plans for my favorite class of course… (it's Engineer in case you couldn't tell) And if nothing else, I implore you to check out a bit more of Steven Universe if you feel like it. The series may start out slow, but it has some heavy and cool moments later on. If it isn't your cup of tea, that's just fine. To each their own.**

 **To Speerut: I'm glad that you enjoy my work so much! I sincerely hope I don't disappoint…**

 **To Potat0s0Verlord: Ah, I had hoped I conveyed some actual drama in that chapter; this is my first time writing anything, glad to know I did something right! And don't worry; some chapters will be more Gem focused, some more merc focused, and some just detailing how Steven lives his life and adapts to both in his life. I just need to find the right balance…Also, I just want you to know, and a specific part of this chapter was changed in accordance with your comment. I think you'll be able to tell which :)**

 **To FrankZTank13: Oh, I did. I REALLY did.**

 **Anyways, onwards to the story my wonderful readers! (who actually bother with the author's notes, you deserve an additional cookie)**

 **Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or locations portrayed in this work; all characters and concepts belong to their original owners. Cover art belongs to the amazing Ace Florins.**

 _ **Now loading… koth_lunarseaspire**_

Steven sat on a small rock at the foot of the crystal temple, just underneath the set of stairs that led up to his beach house. Luckily, Steven was spared most of the intense midday heat due to the shade created by the cliff face behind him. The half-Gem kicked his legs and sang to himself as he waited. What exactly was he waiting for? Why, the postman of course. Steven had placed a very secret mail order several weeks ago and, according to the return information, was set to be delivered today.

It was actually a very fortunate occurrence; aside from Steven, nobody else was present within the beach house/Crystal Temple/Fortress. Earlier today, the Gems set out on a mission and the mercenaries had accompanied them 'just in case'. That left Steven as the master of the house for a couple hours. A fact that the half-Gem was very thankful for when he thought of the great surprise-in-waiting when he showed up to the warp pad sporting his newest piece of equipment.

"Hey, Mr. Postman, bring me a post~. Bring me a post that I love the moooooost~." Steven sang aloud, being sure to draw it out for effect. The half-Gem started sucking in a small breath to begin his next verse when he heard someone stepping through the soft sand behind him. Steven turns around, and gasps when he sees who it is, "My song came true!"

Indeed, Steven's song had 'come true', if one could call a song some sort of prophetic premonition. From behind the rocky outcropping stepped Jamie, the local mailman, sporting a bag full of letters and other assorted post. Before the young man had even reached the beach house's mailbox, Steven had jumped off his seat and ran up to him.

"Do you have a package for me today?" The boy inquires, bouncing up and down excitedly.

Jamie-who was no more immune to Steven's quirky charms than the next guy (except if that guy happened to be Lars)-grinned at the young Gem's upbeat attitude. He held up a palm, signaling for the boy to wait, "Hold on," He says as he opens his bag and begins to rifle through it, "Let me see what I've got here…" The postman messes around in his mailbag for a few more seconds before holding up a package for Steven to see, "Did you order a loaf of bread with a stamp on it?"

"No."

"Okaaaay…" Jamie puts the bread back into his bag and pulls something else out instead, "Did you order a subscription to 'High Ordinance Monthly'?"

"No, but that's probably Soldier's so I'll take it anyway," Steven accepts the magazine gratefully, happy to see that the article was indeed addressed to their residence.

The postman moves the mail around in his bag and pulls out an envelope, "Did you order a jury summons for a Mr. R.J. Finkle?"

Steven shakes his head, "That's not me. Do you have anything addressed to a 'Steven'?"

Understanding dawns in Jamie's eyes and he goes back to searching through his bag, "Oh, right right right, Steven!" He pulls out a small, square package and looks at the postal information, "Here it is; to a Mister Steven Quartz Universe."

The young Gem himself looks at the package with sparkles in his eye. He pumps a fist victoriously, "Ha! This thing is gonna help me save the world."

Jamie smiles and raises a quizzical eyebrow, "Really? 'Cause it says it's from a…'Wacky Sacks Supply Company'."

Steven sets a hand on his hip (the one holding the magazine) and prepares to explain, "Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl think I shouldn't go on magical adventures because I don't know how to use my Gem powers. Also; Engineer, Medic and everyone else won't let me go on operations because I'm not old enough or 'experienced' enough to use their weapons."

Jamie knew very little about Steven and his family, mostly by hearsay, so he had absolutely no idea what the young boy was talking about. He did, however, know about the three strange 'magical ladies' and the nine 'professional killers' that happened to take up residence in this very house, so he knew that Steven wasn't just making this up, "Sounds reasonable," The postman says after a moment.

"It is," Steven agrees, before crouching slightly, fire in his eyes, "But there are _other_ ways I can help!"

"…With a Wacky Sack?"

"Exactly!"

"Well, do you know how you can save my world?" Jamie asks the young boy. Steven, prepared for anything, nods and adopts the most serious face he could.

"Sign here, please." The postman says, holding out an electronic tablet with an attached stylus.

"Ah!" Steven says, "Right, I forgot, sorry." The half-Gem writes his name neatly and adds a few colored-in stars just for good measure.

Jamie takes the tablet back and gives Steven the package in return, "Oh it's no trouble; Barb just yells at me a bit if I don't get signatures, so it isn't a big deal."

"Really? 'Cause it sounds awful." Steven says sympathetically as he accepts the package from the postman.

Suddenly, an electronic discharge is heard and a pulse of red light flashes from the inside of Steven's house, bathing everything in a rosy sheen and filling the air with a slight scent of ozone for a moment. This flash is quickly followed by a more powerful burst of blue-white light and the sound of crystals being charged with magical energy; the second light lasts a bit longer than the first, but it too eventually dissipates. Afterwards, another flash of red light is both seen and heard. Jamie regards these occurrences with fascinated befuddlement.

Steven is not so affected and gasps, "Everyone's back!" Then he tucks the package and 'Heavy Ordinance Monthly' under his arm and runs up the stairs to his house, eager to show off the post.

"Wait, Steven!" Jamie calls after him once the young boy is halfway up to his house, "What _is_ a Wacky Sack?"

"Can't talk now! I'll explain later, sorry!" Steven replies, too excited to stop. He jumps up the stairs, two at a time, until he has reached the front door. The half-Gem tosses open the screen door and enters the house, eager to see what everyone has been up to.

"Huh?" Steven says as soon as he looks around.

Garnet, who is covered in white feathers, gives him a sideways glance, "Hello, Steven."

The others seem to be in various states of oddity; Pyro, Soldier, Demo and Heavy are also covered in the same white feathers as Garnet, though they seem to be a bit more proactive in brushing them off. Medic, Engineer and Spy (all feather-free) are in another side of the room, looking at one of the Texan's tablets and talking in quiet voices. Amethyst, Scout and Sniper all seem to be in some sort of argument where the latter mercenary is holding a…giant, blue, star-covered egg? Pearl is looking on at the group with an expression of annoyance, and appears to holding something of her own. Albeit, a much smaller something.

"Look, I'm the one who capped the bugger, so _I_ get the spoils! That's how we've always done it!" Sniper says vehemently to the Bostonian and purple Gem, both of whom glare at him.

"Yeah, ya' finished it off, but I softened the thing up for you!" Amethyst counters, stepping closer to the Australian with her hands outstretched, "Really, I should be the one to get it!"

"Don't you try and pull that with me, _everyone_ softened it up, don't act special."

"Hey, who's the one who _found_ that stupid egg?" Scout interjects, pointing a thumb to his chest, "That's right, me! So really, _I'm_ the one who deserves the spoils anyway."

"This whole argument is pointless!" Pearl says, finally getting fed up with the trio, "We don't even need that! Why on Earth would you be keeping it?"

Sniper looks at the egg and turns it in his hands, admiring every angle, "Eh, I might just drain it and keep it as a trophy in my room. Can't do much with it when the thing might hatch on us."

"Aw, what?" Scout complains, throwing his hands up in exasperation, "You wanna turn that thing into one of ya' dumb hunting trophies?"

"That's just wasteful!" Amethyst agrees as she tries to swipe the egg from Sniper. The Australian takes a few steps back and holds his prize higher, out of reach from the small Gem who glares at him, "Think of what we could make with an egg that huge! We could make a big omelet-"

"Or a quiche-" Scout adds, pondering the possibilities.

"Or big sunny-side-ups-"

"Or a big cake! We just need some extra ingredients though…"

Sniper looks at the two with a frustrated expression, " _That's_ what you two are on about? Making _food_ out of this thing? You do realize that if I drain the egg to make a trophy out of it, I'll still have the yolk left over. You can use it after I'm done!"

Scout and Amethyst are quiet for a moment as they look to each other.

"Oh right…"

"Yeah, that makes sense."

Sniper grumbles to himself under his breath for a moment before typing something on his wrist and hopping onto the teleporter, disappearing in a much smaller flash of red light.

Pearl makes a face at Scout and Amethyst before sighing and whispering to herself, "Just a pointless argument…" The alabaster Gem then turns to Steven, who had just handed Soldier his magazine ("Thanks, cadet! Just the thing I needed.") and was now walking over, "We fought a giant bird."

"Was annoying." Heavy adds as he pulls out the last feathers from his vest, "Sniper finished it off in the end."

Pearl nods at the Russian before looking back to the half-Gem, "We're only here for a second though; we've got to go back out."

"Aw, what?" Steven says, dejected, "Why?"

Pearl, always happy to explain the reasons of Gem missions, smiles at the young boy and holds up the statue in her hand. Now that he could properly see it, Steven gazed at the small figure. It was made entirely of a dark blue rock, carved into the visage of the upper torso of a woman holding a very large gem in her hands. The lower half of the statue tapered off into a polished, many-sided prism that was perfectly reflective, "We have to place this Moon Goddess statue on the top of the Lunar Sea Spire before midnight," Pearl says, "Without it, the whole place will fall apart!"

"It's a right shame, too," Engineer says as he steps over, evidently finished with whatever he was doing with Spy and Medic, "The place is absolutely beautiful. We saw it several decades back though, so I'm not sure how bad it looks now…"

"Yes…"Pearl sighs, holding the statue close to her chest as she remembers the old majesty of the tower, "It's certainly fallen into disrepair since then…Oh, Steven, you should have seen the spire in its heyday," The alabaster Gem projects a hologram of the Sea Spire, trying her best to convey the building's old beauty secondhand. A smaller-scale model many-floored tower phases into existence over the three's heads. Even through the simple hologram, Engineer could admire the artistic design and structurally-sound foundation.

Steven just thought it looked cool.

"It was an oasis for Gems on Earth, an amazing place to relax and socialize," Pearl continues, shifting her hologram to show a single room of the Sea Spire with several Gems walking around and talking with each other, "It's abandoned now… Pearl frowns as she remembers the current state of the oasis and cuts off her hologram, "But we can still save it with this statue!"

Engineer nods and turns to Steven, "Me n' the boys are headed out with them too, just in case they need some backup. We shouldn't be gone for too long though, a few hours at most."

"Engineer, I really don't think this is worth a full complement," Pearl says, looking a bit conflicted at the thought of a group of humans coming to rescue a Gem construct, "You don't need to come along; we can handle this ourselves."

"Heh, I don't doubt that you could, but we could certainly make this whole trip a lot easier. Didn't we help out when fighting that giant bird just a while ago?"

"Well yes…our lack of long-range weaponry would have made the fight somewhat more difficult. But we really shouldn't bother you with a strictly Gem-related problem. It's not like the Spire is threatening humanity."

"Hey now," Engineer says, lighting setting a hand on the Gem's shoulder, "Don't talk like that. If it's important to you gals, then it's important to us. Right boys?" Engineer turns the tail end of his sentence to the rest of the room.

"Of course," Spy is the first one to speak up, "It's no trouble at all."

"It was a pretty nice place when we last saw it; it'd be a shame for it ta' be destroyed." Demo supplies, reclining on the couch.

"Is beautiful." Heavy agrees.

"Besides, ve still technically owe you for getting us out of Mann Co. vhen you did. Zhe least ve can do is help you wiz a matter such as zhis." Medic says as he polishes his spectacles.

"I, too, would be devastated at the loss of such a piece of history," Soldier adds, putting a fist over his heart and looking at nothing in particular, "I imagine as though it may be the equivalent of losing the Statue of Liberty! As such, I refuse to let it fall apart on my watch!"

Pearl gives the patriot a tired look as most of the others start snickering at him, "Well, it's not _exactly_ the same, but I suppose the analogy fits," The alabaster Gem sighs and smiles softly, "Alright then, I guess we can't stop you from coming along anyway. I just want you to be sure about this; it could just be a waste of your time."

Truthfully, Pearl was touched that these nine humans (pseudo-humans, but still) would go out of their way to help them save the Lunar Sea Spire. The mercenaries were, of course, obligated to help the Gems when it came to world-threatening situations like Gem monsters or malfunctioning Gem technology since they lived on the same planet. Yet, it was times like these, where Team Fortress was ready to put themselves to the test just for a purely Gem matter, that Pearl felt happy to call them her friends, family, even. Should the Sea Spire collapse tonight, it wouldn't have any effect on the Earth; it was a fancy spa for Gems to relax as they colonized the planet. There wasn't any Gemtech at the Spire-and if there had been any, Engineer was certain to have cleaned it out on their first visit-so they weren't losing anything important if it were to fall apart. But the mercenaries were willing to waste their time all the same, because it was important to the Gems. Whenever they had offered to do something like this, Pearl always regretted the times when she had doubted them.

Engineer smiles, "We're sure. Heck, nothing else is really happening right now, so we've got time to waste. Give us a few minutes to restock and we'll be ready to go."

Steven, meanwhile, had been listening to this whole conversation only half-aware, as he was already internally freaking out about the prospect of finally coming along on a mission with everyone. Pearl had _said_ that it wasn't going to be really dangerous! That meant that he wouldn't be in danger if he went with them!

"This is _perfect_!" The half-Gem cheers, his eyes filled with stars as his excitement grew. Everyone turns to Steven when he makes his announcement.

"What? Why?" Pearl asks, confused.

"Because I can help carry that statue for you guys in _this_!" Steven sets the package he had received from Jamie on the floor and opens it. He then reaches in and, the whole time making various rocket sound effects, draws out a large backpack that just so happened to be shaped like a cheeseburger, complete with lettuce, tomatoes and onions. Steven holds it over his head, now making *shing-shing* sounds, and waits for everyone's reaction.

"A…hamburger?" Pearl asks, her face quizzical.

Steven slings the cheeseburger backpack over his shoulder with a determined expression, "It's a novelty backpack, shaped just like a cheeseburger!"

The Gems look on in mild bemusement, thinking the whole thing adorable, but not exactly practical. The mercenaries, however…

"Dude, that thing is _sweet_!"

"It is an article of clothing shaped like one of America's greatest foods! I WHOLEHEARTEDLY approve of this!"

"Mmoahh…"

"It looks great, laddie!"

"Very good! Very, VERY good!"

"It is…quite impressive, I must say."

"Holy dooly…"

"Exquisite charm! It fits you very well, Steven."

The mercenaries, having developed a sort of attachment to the many various cosmetics that Mann Co. promoted over the years, fawn over the 'stylish' backpack that Steven now sports. The half-Gem beams at all of the attention he's receiving, feeling vindicated in his decision to order the backpack in the first place. Even Sniper (who had teleported back into the room a few minutes ago), and Spy were amazed.

Garnet smirks at this display of open affection for cosmetics, having long ago grown used to the mercenaries' borderline obsession with alternate clothing. Amethyst, who knows the same yet possesses none of the taller Gem's tact, clutches her stomach as her laughs threaten to overtake her. Pearl just sighs and shakes her head.

"Really, it's just a goofy-looking backpack; I don't see why all of them are so obsessed with things like that. At least you're a bit more mature than the others, Engineer…"

Pearl turned to regard the Texan, when she trailed off mid-speech as she looked as his expression. Engineer had a wide smile on his face as he gazed as Steven, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly. He took a shaky breath to steady himself and said in a small, watery voice, "His first cosmetic item…Steven's growing up so fast. Soon, he'll be getting his first hat-"

"Engineer!" Pearl says loudly, breaking the inventor out of his reverie.

"Wha-oh! Uh, right," Engineer clears his throat, trying his best to hide the slight blush creeping onto his cheeks, "Fellas, let's focus. Steven, can you tell us why you think that cheeseburger backpack can help?"

Reluctantly, the other mercenaries back away from Steven and give him his space, "Well," He begins, pacing around the room, "I was thinking; you guys carry dimensional bags with all your weapons and stuff, maybe I could get my own bag and do something similar? I could carry extra supplies in my backpack that I could bring on missions to help!"

"Laddie, that's a sweet sentiment, but dont'ya think that between the nine of us, we can carry enough goods to last an entire mission?" Demo asks.

"Oh, yeah. But you guys only carry weapons in your bags. My backpack is much bigger, and after Engie gives it a pocket dimension, it can carry even more than what you guys can! And I won't load it with only weapons; I'll fill it up with tools and stuff that'll be sure to help out on missions," Steven furrowed his brow as he thought of something and huffed, "Aw, but I blew the big reveal. I was gonna ask Engineer in secret to help fix it up to hold more. Then I was just going to wear it out to a mission one day, and you guys would all be like, 'Dang Steven, that's a pretty sweet backpack you got there.' Even more than you were now. But this is obviously important Gem business." Steven finishes with a grin and a determined look in his eye.

Pearl gives the half-Gem a small smile, "Yes, so you should let us take care of it."

"What?" Steven says, as he lifts up his shirt and points to his Gem, "I'm a Gem!" He then starts alternating between staring at his bellybutton to staring at Pearl a few times.

The alabaster Gem is not impressed, "But you've still got a lot to learn." She says with a raised eyebrow.

Amethyst bumps into Pearl to grab her attention, "So, let him come!" The purple Gem says, waving her hands, "It'll be educational! We're basically just dropping this statue off anyway, it's not like there's any Gem monsters there or some junk."

"'Sides," Scout interjects, going to stand by Steven, "You've got us coming along as well; seventeen extra eyes to watch out for him. What's the worst that could happen?"

Pearl purses her lips as she regards Amethyst's and Scout's surprisingly well-thought-out arguments, "Hmmm…Alright," She relents, handing the Moon Goddess statue to a starry-eyed Steven, "You can carry it in your hamburger."

To an outsider who knew enough about Pearl, it would occur that the alabaster Gem had given in to the ideas of the two most undisciplined members of their team far too quickly. However, an outsider would fail to understand that the Gems and mercenaries had already decided that the mission to the Lunar Sea Spire would be safe enough for Steven to come along. As said before, the Sea Spire was not an important Gem construct; it was basically a glorified spa. The adults had decided that if Steven were to mess up on his first mission, it would be best if the mistake was of little consequence. So before Steven had even walked in, the others were all set to take Steven on his first mission, a test of sorts. His performance here would determine whether or not the boy was ready to start tagging along on some of the less-dangerous missions.

Of course, Steven was completely oblivious to this fact, and was merely excited with getting his first chance at a real Gem mission. He bent down and unzipped his backpack, ready to place the statue in one of the pockets when he notices something, "Wow, check it out; everything's a pocket! Even the cheese is a pocket! I could fit a lot more stuff in here," Steven re-zips his backpack without putting the statue away and moves over to the cupboard under the staircase to his bedroom, "Give me a minute, I'll pack extra supplies."

Pearl looks exasperated at this, but a chuckle from Engineer interrupts her annoyance, "Hey, we gotta restock and resupply our weapons too; give him a bit to get his stuff together," He then turns away from the pale Gem to regard Steven, "Don't take too long now! We're going to leave in ten minutes!"

"Got it!" Steven says from his place in the cupboard as he starts to gather 'essential' supplies. The mercenaries all retreat to the Fortress in order to stock up on weapons and ammo, and the Gems retire to their rooms in order to mentally and physically prepare for the mission ahead.

* * *

Steven finishes shoving a kite into his backpack as he sat on the floor of his room, having separated the essentials from the nonessentials and packing away what he could. He then picks up the backpack and moves to leave when he steps on something. When that something groans and asks not to be shaken, Steven laughs and picks up the plush doll Scout and Amethyst had won for him at a carnival, "Oh, Mr. Queasy!" The boy laughs as he shakes the plushie despite its protests, "You're definitely gonna come in handy!" Steven reaches into his backpack and removes a first aid kit to make room for the doll, "I don't even know why I packed that; Medic's got stuff that works way faster…" The half-Gem looks at his backpack for a moment before he started opening the pockets. Pearl, Engineer, Spy and Medic all stressed the importance of having a well-organized system; Steven thought that he could at least make sure that he took everything important before heading out.

"Okay…" Steven says to himself as he looks through the backpack's many pockets to ensure that he had packed the essentials, "Cookie Cats and extra Sandviches for when we get hungry, some sweaters in case we need to get warm, a raft in case we need to cross water, a kite in case there's a kite emergency, Mr. Queasy in case there's a plushie emergency, and the Moon Goddess statute to save the Sea Spire…" Steven frowned as he moved the contents of his backpack around without finding the very statue in question, "Uh oh…" The boy becomes increasingly agitated as he realizes that he never packed the one thing the Gems asked him to take care of. Slightly panicked, Steven looks around his room in hopes that he had left it somewhere in there and had forgotten about it.

The statue wasn't anywhere in the room.

"Steeeven!" Pearl calls from below, "Let's gooo!"

Steven, now actually scared that he had messed up before the mission had even started, threw on his backpack and hurried downstairs to the cupboard. The half-Gem began to quickly search through the contents of the cabinet under the scrutiny of everyone at the warp pad/teleporter, "J-just a sec! I just need to pack the…" Steven moves 'Kitchen Kalamity' to the side and gasps as his heart finally stops trying to escape his chest, "Moon Goddess statue." The half-Gem finishes in a whisper, relief permeating his being as he holds the small carving in his hands.

"Steven, what's the holdup?" Engineer asks, sounding a little curious, "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Steven says quietly, before discreetly packing the statue away in his backpack (and making sure it was secure) and answering in a louder voice, "Yeah! Sorry, I was just going through the checklist of what I wanted to bring and uh…I forgot something." The half-Gem says as he turns and marches over to where everyone else is standing.

The Gems all stand on the pale-blue, crystal warp pad, ready to go. The mercenaries, who are still mostly human and can't reliably interact with Gem magic, all stand off to the side on top of the teleporter attached to the warp pad. Since neither can handle twelve people (plus Steven) the mercenaries choose to use the teleporter system in two teams; currently standing on the device are Engineer, Spy, Scout and Heavy. The other mercenaries wait just behind them, making sure that they aren't within the teleporter's range.

"Well, at least you're organized Steven…But did you pack your whole room in that thing? It looks very heavy." Pearl says as she looks at the weight on Steven in concern.

"It's not so bad." Steven brushes off, before looking between the warp pad and the teleporter a few times. The half-Gem did not want to pick one and risk appearing as though he's choosing one group over the other, "Um…"

"I recommend that you ride with the Gems on this one, kiddo," Engineer says, recognizing the look of indecision on the boy's face and mercifully coming to his aid, "Traveling by warp is much cooler than traveling by teleportation."

"Yeah…"Amethyst muses aloud, "I mean, it's pretty weird, feeling yourself get broken down and stuff, but it's over in like a second. You don't even get to enjoy it."

Pearl frowns and looks down at the human device as Steven walks onto the warp pad, "I don't see how you can stand such a sensation; it's rather discomforting…"

Heavy shrugs, "Is what we are used to."

Once Steven gets into position, Garnet stands ready, "Let's warp."

The warp pad erupts into blue light as it attempts to bring its passengers to their destination. The warp pad is defeated, however, by Steven's protruding stomach; which keeps the warp pad from activating, as the Gems were certain to install a failsafe should one try to warp on a pad too small for them and end up with fewer limbs than they started with.

"Suck it in, Steven!" Amethyst yells at the half-Gem. Steven responds by taking a very deep breath and pulling his stomach in, allowing the warp pad to activate.

For a moment, only the mercenaries are left in the house, but Engineer doesn't activate the device just yet. The Texan turns to Spy with a slight grin, "He forgot the statue, didn't he? That's what he was packing in, right?"

The Frenchman smiles around the cigarette in his mouth, "Big time."

The mercenaries all share a series of laughs at this, "Oh man…" Scout says, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye as he comes back from the laughing stiches, "That's too good…that's too good…we aren't telling the Gems about this, are we?"

Engineer smiles and taps his pad, causing the teleporter below him to start activating, "Nope. Now c'mon; we got a mission to do."

The teleporter beneath four-ninths of the team's feet activates, dissolving them into particles and sending them to their destination at the speed of light. Thanks to the warp pad's brief travel time, the mercs and the Gems arrive at about them same time; both re-materializing in a flash of red and blue light respectively. The mercenaries, who are used to teleporter etiquette, step off almost immediately and allow the device to cool down and recharge. The Gems, having used warp pads for centuries, know how to keep themselves grounded, and land on the warp pad with their normal poise.

Steven knows none of those warp skills, and ends up falling onto his face when the warp pad materializes him two feet in the air. The half-Gem quickly recovers and pushes himself up when his eyes fall on the Lunar Sea Spire itself. He gasps in awe at the imposing structure, "Wow…"

The Gems and mercenaries (everyone having teleported through) all groan at the sight of it. And with good reason as well; the entire structure seemed to be either covered in moss, partially eroded, or literally falling apart. As they watch, a huge chunk of one of the spiraling walls breaks off from the main tower and falls into the pool of seawater below, creating a huge splash.

"Holy cow this place has gone to crap…" Scout says as he looks around, heedless of the glares Spy and Engineer send him. Luckily the Gems appear to have not heard him, as they are too busy taking in the damaged Sea Spire.

"Oh…" Pearl says, a hand held up to her mouth to maybe help hold in her shock, "It wasn't this bad a century ago…it wasn't even this bad a few decades ago!"

"No kidding…" Engineer says as he pulls out his tablet, "This is way worse that what my projections displayed…" The Texan uses his tablet to scan a portion of the crystalline floor near him. When it was finished, he frowned at the readings, "The latent magic in this place has really eaten away at the spire without a proper focal point. I'm getting massive structural instability and severe water and wind damage."

Garnet adjusts her visor as he looks around, "I'm sensing that was well."

"Oh, yeah," Steven says from the edge of a nearby cliff, heedless of the fact that the rock face is cracking beneath him, "That's never good."

Pearl is quick to catch up on the shattering rock, however, "STEVEN!" She shouts, sprinting towards him.

The half-Gem turns when he hears his name, "Wha-"

"Watch it, laddie!" Demo says as he grabs Steven by the scruff of his shirt and pulls him away, causing the rock to fall victimless into the whirlpool below. Demo releases the breath he had been holding as he looks at Steven.

He is then bowled over by an angry bird-mom who snatches Steven up in her grasp and holds him close to her face, squishing their cheeks together.

"OKAY!" The alabaster Gem says in a slightly hysteric voice, "I've changed my mind; the first thing we've going to do is _take Steven home_." Pearl hugs Steven a bit harder and crushes his backpack.

" _Oh, my aching stomach!_ "

The pale Gem looks at Steven quizzically as the boy laughs and jumps out of her arms, pulling something from his backpack, "Oh, Mr. Queasy!" He laughs, giving the doll a bit of shake and ignoring his groans of pain. Garnet and Heavy shoot two very pointed looks to Amethyst and Scout, who both shrug.

"Steven!" Pearl says, drawing everyone's attention to her. The Gem takes a moment to calm her breathing before she resumes, "This place is your heritage. I want you to stay and help, but you really need to take this seriously!"

"Pearl's right, cadet!" Soldier chimes in, surprising the pale Gem with his support. The rocketeer marches up to Steven and looks down at him crossing his arms, "Even if there aren't any monster-maggots around here, this place is still very dangerous. We expect you to be on your best behavior while on missions like this! Can you do that, Steven?" He shouts/asks.

Steven gives a thumbs-up to Solider and Pearl and winks, "You got it, dude!" He says with his characteristic cheer as he sticks his tongue out.

Soldier seems happy as he smiles at the half-Gem. Pearl, however, is less than pleased. She purses her lips and avoids Steven's gaze, "Ye-essss…" The alabaster Gem hisses through clenched teeth.

"Enough," Garnet says, drawing everyone's gaze, "We have to move, now."

Without further discussion, the adults all group up; Gems in the front, Steven in the middle, and the mercs bringing up the rear. It was a marching system they had devised several years ago that had yet to fail them. Whenever the team was to explore any Gem-related locations, the Crystal Gems would take point based on their personal experience with them. But when they set out to old Mann Co., RED and BLU facilities, Team Fortress took point instead. Because for all the time they had spent together, the mercenaries and the Gems had different ways of looking at a problem and differing experiences that didn't exactly transfer between locations. If one of the mercenaries were to travel to an old Gem construct, they might not know how to interact with the technology, or accidentally fall prey to 'magic dickery', as Demo liked to call it.

Case in point, as the crew of thirteen head up a slope to take them to the entrance of the Lunar Sea Spire, Garnet suddenly halts and holds up a closed fist. Recognizing the universal signal for 'stop', the group comes to a standstill just behind the tall Gem.

Amethyst, impatient as always, steps next to Garnet and grabs her arm to get her attention, "What's the holdup?" She gestures to the small gap separating the cliff from the Sea Spire, "We can clear this _easily_."

"Heck, I can clear it." Scout mumbles from behind the purple Gem.

Garnet adjusts her visor for a moment, "No. The magic that sustains the whirlpool creates a vortex that will pull us below." To demonstrate, the Gem picks up a nearby rock and throws it across to the other side of the gap.

Or at least she tries too. Halfway across the gap, the rock suddenly stops moving in the air and starts to fall straight down. Everyone watches as the boulder splashes into the whirlpool below. Demo scratches his chin and looks back up to Garnet, "So we cannae just jump across, but what if we were to-"

"Don't bother," The Gem interrupts, looking up to the top of the Spire, "The field rises above the waterline at the top of the tower. Even if you were to use your explosives to propel yourselves, you still wouldn't reach high enough to escape the pull."

"Also," Engineer says, tapping the cliff with his foot, "I don't think this cliff can take much more punishment. Try to take it easy with the bombs and rockets; we do not need this place falling around us before midnight," The Texan eyeballs the gap for a moment or two, trying to think of a way to cross it.

Steven, from the middle of the group, lets out a small gasp, "Oh, wait!" He kneels down and takes off his backpack and starts moving its contents around. The half-Gem finally pulls out the two sweaters he had grabbed back at the house.

"What are those for?" Amethyst asks.

"They _were_ for keeping warm," Steven says as he ties the sweaters together by their sleeves, making certain to double and triple knot it. He then holds up his creation for the group to see, "But check it out!" The half-Gem twirls the sweaters like a lasso and sling them through an arch opening in the Sea Spire on the other side. He picks up the ends of the makeshift whip in his hands and, after tugging on it to make sure it was secure, sucks in a deep breath, determination filling his eyes.

At this point, Engineer had discovered exactly what Steven was planning, and he was less than thrilled, "Steven, don't!" He cries, pushing himself to the front. As the others pick up on his urgent tone, they too try to stop the boy's crazy plan.

But it was all for naught; Steven runs forward and leaps off the side of the cliff. Everyone watches as the half-Gem gets caught in the magical gravity field and starts getting sucked down into the whirlpool.

"Ah, jeez kid!"

"He's getting sucked down!"

"Do somezhing!"

"STEVEN!"

Had the sweaters been made of normal materials, the weight of an adolescent child would have been more than enough to snap the delicate fibers and send Steven falling into the water below. Yet, these sweaters had been manufactured by Mann Co. many years ago and were re-seized by Medic. Like everything Mann Co. makes, these sweaters were meant to hold up under explosions, gunfire, and flames. As such, the sweaters were bulletproof, flame-retardant, and thick enough to reduce the concussive force from explosions.

They were also highly resistant to tearing, so Steven's lifeline did not break on him despite the absurdity of the situation. The half-Gem grunts with effort as he places his sandaled feet on the wall of the Sea Spire. He looks up at the entrance to the tower and furrows his brow.

"CHEESEBURGERRRRRRRR!" Steven yells as he sprints up the side of the building, much to the amazement of those on the cliff. He finally pulls himself up and over the lip of the entrance, and lands on his feet. After a brief moment, he stands up perfectly straight and sticks his arms out in a T. The boy huffs and puffs in exertion as sweat courses down his face; this was luckily hid from the others, as Steven had landed with his back to them.

Engineer, Pearl, Medic, Demo, Heavy, Garnet, Sniper, Pyro and Spy all let out a terrified breath that they didn't know they had been holding. None of them had expected Steven to literally throw himself into danger. And not even five minutes into the mission, no less!

The others, however, took it in stride.

"Nice job, kiddo!" Scout calls from the cliff, "That was pretty cool!"

"Steven! Way to go!" Amethyst yells as well, before reaching into her gem and summoning her whip, "C'mon, guys!" The purple Gem flicks her whip into the same arch that Steven had thrown his sweaters into. The rhinestone-encrusted rope wraps several times around the stone architecture, making a secure point. Amethyst then picks up Pearl and Garnet with her other arm before she too jumps off the cliff, getting sucked a little ways down, "Steven styllllle!" The purple Gem whoops as her whip snaps back in elasticity, pulling the trio up and into the Sea Spire. Pearl takes a moment to absorb the emotional shock of the situation and looks at Steven from her position in Amethyst's grasp, "DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!" She yells/admonishes the boy.

"Sorry!" Steven says, feeling bad that he had made his family worry. That feeling is diminished when Garnet ruffles his curly hair and Amethyst knocks her shoulder into his playfully. Pearl, a bit self-conscious that she had basically shouted at Steven, steps up behind him and sets a comforting hand on his back, "But…it was pretty great." She relents with a smile.

"I'll say!"

The two jump a bit and turn around when they hear Soldier's loud voice behind them. To their surprise, the rocketeer himself is standing inside the Sea Spire and giving Steven a wide smile. And behind _him_ , Heavy and Spy were looking around the interior of the Sea Spire.

Pearl takes one look at the three of them and sputters a bit, "H-how did you get across?"

Soldier smiles and holds up a small device in his right hand; it was small, there was a single handle attached to a pulley wheel that had a length of rope wrapped many times around it. One end of the rope fed into the head of a thick, metal hook shaped like a four-pronged arrow, "Grappling hooks, of course!"

Steven then turns his gaze to the top of the cliff directly across from entrance; at the rock face, Engineer, Pyro and Medic held devices similar to the one in Soldier's hand. As he watched, the three mercenaries pressed a small button on the handles of their grappling hooks, shooting the metal arrows forward at an impressive speed. The hooks pierced the rock wall of the Sea Spire and dug in. Once they had been sufficiently attached, the handheld portions of the devices started reeling in the excess rope. This pulled the mercenaries from their position on the cliff and into the Spire very quickly, their speed slowed only slightly as the magical pull surrounding the tower attempted to drag them down. After they had crossed the threshold into the Spire, the mercenaries then pressed the same button they had before, causing the hooks to release their holds on the wall. Without a focal point to keep them in position, the mercenaries landed lightly on their feet, skidding very slightly on the wet stone floor. Steven sees this all transpire with a rapt fascination, "So cool…"

Pearl watches with exasperation and slight frustration at herself for having forgotten that the mercenaries had possessed that particular tool, "Of course; I can't believe I didn't think of that."

"Well, I'm very happy that you didn't! Otherwise, Steven wouldn't have been able to show us his amazing idea!" Soldier praised, giving Steven's hair a ruffle of his own, "That was completely reckless and had a very small chance of success! I'm so proud of you!"

" _Do not encourage him!_ " Pearl hisses frantically at Soldier, tucking Steven into herself; almost as if she thinks she can physically protect Steven from the crazed patriot's influence.

"Soldier, stop trying to get Steven to act like you. He doesn't have the capacity for that much crazy." Engineer says as he saunters over; from the cliff, Scout, Demo and Sniper use their grappling hooks to cross the gap.

Soldier gives Engineer a glare, "You might call my ideas _crazy_ , but how often have they paid off?"

"About as often as they are immediately rendered moot, you madman." Spy says as he passes by the small group. The patriot, infuriated-mostly on principle-at the Frenchman, marches after him, spewing a series of colorful insults about Spy and his choice in headgear. Engineer, witnessing this, starts chuckling and shakes his head at the arguing duo. He then gives Steven a pointed look, "Remind me to get you your own grappling hook when we get back," The Texan hands Steven the two untied sweaters the half-Gem used to cross the gap, "It'd probably be more suited to situations like this than two Mann Co. issued sweaters. Good job making due with what you have, though." Engineer gives Steven a thumbs-up.

Steven accepts the two sweaters with a grateful nod and determined smile, "Right! Thank you!"

"But Pearl is right, don't do something that reckless again or we might have to ground you."

"...That seems fair."

"Yo, guys!" Scout calls to the trio from his position on the stairs, "Let's get a move on!"

Pearl stands up and Steven, after packing away his sweaters, does the same. The three of them walk through the dilapidated room of the Sea Spire, catching up with the rest of their team. As they move through the many Gem structures, Steven looks around at his surroundings, taking in this amazing Gem creation. The stone and crystal that made up the walls, floor and ceiling were all shades of blue ranging from light to dark. Wide, curved corridors and arching ceilings made up the majority of the rooms the group had traveled through in the Sea Spire; the carving and etches on the walls and pillars in the Spire were a thing of beauty, even through the many layers of moss and grime that coated them and the state of disrepair they were in. Steven, who had seen no other Gem structures beyond the outside of the Crystal Temple, found it to be both amazing and beautiful; his eyes were full of sparkles as he whispered "Wow…" beneath his breath whenever he saw something particularly impressive. The mercenaries, who had seen the Spire when it had been in a much better state, yet not in its prime, were somewhat saddened by the state of the architecture around them, yet they hid their emotions well. But it was the Gems, who had seen the Lunar Sea Spire when it was still active, that were most heavily affected. Garnet, stoic as ever, projected no outward sense of disappointment or sadness, though she was still upset at the state of the Spire. Amethyst, the youngest full Gem, was not hit as heavily, and what sadness she did feel was easily hidden behind a mask of nonchalance. Pearl, the most emotional of the Crystal Gems and the most appreciative of ancient architecture, reacted a bit differently.

"Oh, no no no this is even worse than the outside." The pale Gem hemmed and hawed as she looked around at the state of the entrance hall, worrying her lip. Her commentary on the disrepair of the Sea Spire continued even as the team moved through the multiple rooms, "Ugh…that's-oh! Oh, this didn't used to be so…oh, and the water damage…this pillar…" The pale Gem finally stopped (Engineer and Steven halting behind her) at a headless, four-armed statue that Pyro was poking at in curiosity, "Oh and this had a _head_ ," Pearl lets out a mournful sigh as she stares at the dilapidated construct, "Oh, Steven…once the statue is in its proper place, it'll restore all of this to its former gloryeeeeee-ah!"

Pearl's impassion speech transforms into a startled cry as two crystalline creatures creep up from the back of the statue and crawl onto the structure's shoulders. They appear as though to be pure white, headless maggots with several crystal spikes protruding out from their segmented bodies. The creatures don't appear to be doing anything, but Engineer shoves Steven a little ways back when he spots the 'bugs' as well.

Pyro's reaction is a bit more proactive, "MMMPH!" It cries in surprise when it spots the creatures. Quicker than the eye could track, the firebug whips out its flamethrower and presses a secondary button on the inside of the weapon's handle. Rather than a gout of flame spewing out of the nozzle at the end, a blast of pressurized air puffs out, blowing the gem creatures off the statue and into the water below. Pyro walks to the edge of the drop-off and looks down, making sure that there aren't any more nearby. When it turns its head to the others and gives them a thumbs-up, Pearl and Engineer sigh in relief.

Steven, who had been entirely confused up to this point, looks up at Engineer, "What were those goobers?"

"Crystal Shrimp," The Texan answers, shaking his head, "Nasty little critters to deal with once they move in…"

"OI!" Sniper calls, at the top of the stairs ahead of the quartet, "We got a problem, lads!"

Pearl, Engineer and Pyro share a look before running up the stairs to join the rest of the team, Steven lagging a bit behind them. When they all get to the top of the staircase, gasps and groans were heard all around.

"Aw, hell."

"Mudda ffudda…"

At the top of the stairs, there is a small room. Within this room, the Crystal Gems and Team Fortress stick very close to the side they had entered from. Why?

Because there was a group of about thirty Crystal Shrimp creeping along the floor and walls of the chamber. Pearl steps forward into the room and gasps, "It's an infestation," She breathes as she looks at a particularly large congregation of Crystal Shrimp at the center of the room. The pale Gem's gaze then goes through the other end of the chamber and up to the top of the Spire, "And we need to pass through here to get to the top."

Spy sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, " _Merde_ , it's always _something_ , isn't it."

The others all make various sounds of assent or otherwise remain silent. Steven, oblivious to the danger these apparently docile creatures pose, walks up to one and leans forward to touch it, "Can't we just squish 'em?"

"DON'T TOUCH THAT, THEIR SHARDS ARE DEADLY!" Steven is swiftly pulled back by Pearl and held tightly in the Gem's grasp even as she reprimands him.

The boy then looks to their resident doctor in confusion, "But, can't Medic just fix you guys up afterward?"

Medic adjusts his spectacles and regards the Crystal Shrimp with a look one would make upon seeing garbage strewn about their home, "Vell, no actually. Zhese creatures are one of zhe few beings zhat can actually halt my medigun's ability to heal. Zheir gem shards possess a type of…crystalline venom zhat interferes vith energy patterns. To properly heal any vounds, I vould first have to extract zhe shards beforehand," The German sighs and rubs his forehead, "And given zhat zhe shards are sharp enough to piece almost any substance, armor vill do little good against zhem, and vaiting for an ubercharge vill take too long. Ve need a plan."

Scout looks down at the group of creatures and shrugs, "Can't shoot 'em; their shards'll go all over the place when they explode."

Pyro steps forward and hefts its flamethrower, mimicking the action of airblasting a target, "Mmuh?"

"Ach, you'll run outta ammo way before we clear the room," Demo replies to the firebug, who droops in a rejected state and backs up. Steven, seeing the looks of concentration on everyone's faces, opens his cheeseburger backpack and searches for something that might help.

Pearl, meanwhile, is looking thoughtfully around the room, "Maybe we don't actually need to clear the chamber…we just need a path through them," The pale Gem projects a pale blue holographic of Amethyst from her gem and moves it over to one end of the room, "Amethyst, if you go around to this side and disturb them with a spin attack," The holo-Amethyst spins rapidly, "And if Pyro were to move to _this_ side and corral them with an airblast," Pearl's hologram shifts into a rendition of the firebug; the Gem moves her projection over to the opposite side of the room and makes it perform a series of airblasts at the Crystal Shrimp.

Engineer is watching all of this unfold when realization dawns on his face, "I think I see what you're gettin' at," The Texan moves to stand by Pearl and hold out his tablet, projecting a-less elegant, but more gritty-hologram of his own; the color a crimson red. The image shifts into a holographic rendition of Garnet, and Engineer quickly moves the projection up to the ceiling, "If Garnet can move onto the ceiling and strike this exact spot," A holographic red X appears at a point on the ceiling, "At the same time Soldier and Demo detonate controlled explosions at these points," The image of Garnet shifts into holographic images of Soldier and Demoman, each launching holographic rockets/grenades at two other X's on the ceiling.

"Yes!" Pearl says, excited that Engineer understood her plan. She then creates a holographic projection of herself, Heavy, and Scout, "Then the three of us can advance and-"

"HAVE A SANDVICH!"

Steven yells out, interrupting the alabaster Gem as he tosses two Sandviches; each on a separate side of the room. The foodstuffs land with a light flump on the floor and the Crystal Shrimp turn to regard them. After a brief moment, the Gem creatures creep to one of the two Sandviches, leaving a clear path through the center of the room.

"Brilliant." Garnet praises with a smile.

"Good plan." Sniper says.

"Excellent job, Steven." Spy grins at the child.

"Oh hey, whaddya know." Amethyst remarks.

Engineer stares at the child for a second before shrugging and putting away his tablet, "Well that was easy."

Pearl, still in the middle of her explanation, stammers for a bit as she finds her bearings and dissipates her hologram, "Um…ah…buh…h-how did you know that would work?" She asks Steven as she walked up behind the boy.

"Well," Steven says turning to look at Pearl, "Everyone likes Sandviches, right? Besides, if I were a shrimp, that's what I would do."

Scout chuckles as he walks past, "You _are_ a shrimp, you little goof," The Bostonian then turns to Heavy, who had walked over to where the Crystal Shrimp had been congregating and was hunched over, "Hey fat man, you coming or what?"

The Russian doesn't answer Scout at first, instead choosing to remain silent as he peers at something on the ground. When he fails to respond to Scout after thirty seconds, the runner speaks up again, "Yo, Heavy, is something up?"

Heavy turns his head over his shoulder to look at the group behind him, everyone else having stopped when Scout had mentioned his inactivity a minute ago, "We have bigger problem." He states in a quiet voice.

"What's the matter?" Garnet asks stepping forward.

By way of response, the Russian picks something up off the floor and holds it out for everyone to see. Everyone lets out gasps of shock and surprise.

"You gotta be _freakin'_ kiddin' me!"

"Son of a cussing, cuss word!"

"Bloody hell!"

"Vhat?! How?"

"Ugh, no way! _He's_ here?" Amethyst says, staring at the object in Heavy's hands with anger and disdain.

Steven looks around at everyone's shocked and angry faces, "Guys, what's going on? What's wrong?" The half-Gem looks to Pearl for guidance and is startled when he sees her expression.

Pearl was _furious_. Steven had never ever seen the alabaster Gem look so ready to murder someone; not even Amethyst and Scout could get her to make the expression she was wearing right now. Her entire body was shaking a bit, hands balled into fists and held at her sides. On her face, Pearl had the most hateful sneer Steven had ever seen on anybody; her eyes almost glowing with a powerful rage.

"This…" The tall Gem says, her voice threatening to crack, "This is UNACCEPTABLE! How dare _he_ send his _disgusting_ creations to this place of Gem history and defile it!"

Everyone begins shouting at once; even Garnet looks like she's raised her voice to be heard. Steven, getting fed up at not having any answers, resorts to the same tactic.

"GUYS!" He yells at the top of his lungs, startling everyone. The adults all turn to the child, many having forgotten that he had even joined them. The half-Gem, once everyone had stopped arguing, lowered his voice to a more respectable volume, "What is going on? Why are you all upset? Who is _he_ and what is _he_ doing here?"

For a second, nobody answers. Then Heavy pushes his way through the small crowd in from of him so that Steven can see what he's carrying clearly, "We have second infestation to drive out." He rumbles as he drops the object at his feet.

Steven, now able to see the object for the first time, sucks in a breath, "Woah…"

There, on the floor in front of him, riddled with gem shards from Crystal Shrimp and still sparking, was a robotic Scout.

"Gray sent his robots here." Garnet says, and one can just sense the hint of rage in her voice.

* * *

Back during the 1970's, Gray Mann, brother of the infamous Redmond and Blutarch Mann, resurfaced after decades in hiding. Unlike his idiotic brothers, Gray built his own company rather than piggyback off of his estranged father's. Gray was a master inventor, rivaled only by Engineer's own technological prowess, and a sadistic, vindictive and greedy individual to boot. In an attempt to seize control of Mann Co., as well as RED and BLU, Gray viciously murdered his own brothers by sabotaging the machines that kept bringing them back to life. Without any company heads, Gray thought that RED and BLU would soon fall under his command, and from there, Mann Co. Since he had a vast army of impressive and deadly robots to launch attacks against the three companies' affiliates, Gray considered his job done, and victory in his grasp.

Oh, how quickly had he been proven wrong.

As soon as Gray launched his siege of Mann Co., he found his robots to be halted and outright repelled from various key positions. Those nine mercenaries he had dismissed as foolish and subpar to his own robotic creations? They were kicking metallic ass all up and down the Mann Co. supply chain, keeping that imbecile Saxton Hale in control of the company. At first, Gray had only been annoyed; so what if they killed a few invasion parties here or there? Eventually, numbers alone would overwhelm them. And if not, Gray could roll out some of his more diabolical creations; Sargent Crits and Captain Punch, to name a few. Surely, these nine mercenaries wouldn't be able to stop _all_ of Gray's creations on their own. And he was right; during a particularly difficult defense of Mannworks, his robot legions had wiped out all of Team Fortress. True, they would respawn in a few moments, but Sargent Crits was already at the bomb site. It looked as though the mercenaries had finally lost their first battle.

Then a red-and-black blur came out of nowhere and tackled the giant Soldierbot to the ground, smashing her giant gauntlets into its face.

Much to Gray's displeasure, the mercenaries also had a few tricks up their sleeves. As Gray continued to pump out more super-bots to try and turn the tide in _his_ favor, there was an increase of strange women appearing on the battlefield with Team Fortress. A tall, pale woman who could literally dance between bullets and slice robots in half with a single swing of her spear. A short, purple woman who dashed all over the place, slipping under his robot's legs and cutting them to ribbons with her whip or just bashing them together with brute strength. A taller, dark-skinned woman in a visor, literally marching onto the battlefield and through storms of explosions and fire without so much as a scratch. One punch from her giant gauntlets was usually enough to K.O. an overhealed, giant Heavybot.

And perhaps the most troublesome of all, there was the tall, heavyset pink-haired woman in her dress. Her sword could slice through Gray's robots like butter, but that wasn't her most annoying characteristic. Gray's strongest weapons were rendered ineffective against this woman because she had the ability to create vast shields over a wide area in order to protect both herself and her allies. By manner of some 'magic dickery', the woman could also command nearby foliage to attain sentience and fight in her name. It was as if she were the very antithesis of what Gray represented.

Between the mercenaries and these super-powered women, Gray began to find that his robots were being routed from every invasion he planned; either the mercenaries defeated the robots on their own, or Gray threw everything he had into an attack, and the magic women had to step in and give Team Fortress a helping hand. It infuriated the inventor, but it also intrigued him. Like any man of intellect, Gray started asking questions about these strange women and where they came from. With a wide array of resources and tools at his disposal, he began to unearth the secrets of these women. An extraterrestrial species that has visited Earth millennia ago, and left for a reason that Gray had never quite understood. He could tell that there had been many battles between Gems of separate factions, but he was never sure what exactly they were fighting about. In the end, Gray decided that it made no difference; all he needed was the technology the Gems used in order to secure his supremacy. The inventor mustered his forces and launched a massive siege of an aged, fallen Gem ship in a remote corner of the world. Thinking that perhaps he could catch the Gems off-guard and without their mercenary allies, Gray sent his forces out.

The Mann child really shouldn't have bothered. Gray's forces suffered their absolute worst defeat by far when they attempted to take the ship. Not only were all four of the magic women present at the site of the ship, but every member of Team Fortress was as well. Every wave Gray sent, no matter their size or strength, was utterly _decimated_ the second they stepped within a certain distance from the ship. Even the new and improved Uber Captain Punch didn't last long on the battlefield, especially when some of the women combined into an even larger woman, who was somehow more than twice as strong as her(its?) constituent parts.

To add insult to injury, when Gray tried to pull his forces out and retreat, the women and mercenaries charged his Supertank. The inventor felt his years when the team of thirteen managed to destroy a supposedly indestructible vehicle and use it for salvage. Gray had cut his losses and began preparing an even stronger assault force in order to get a bare inkling of the technology that Engineer had access to. But Gray had now awoken a sleeping giant; he had unwittingly caught the attention of the four strongest beings on the planet in the worst way possible.

You see, one must remember a fairly important detail about the ship and several other Gem-related sites on Earth; they were basically huge burial grounds for countless Gems that perished during the Earth Rebellions. Team Fortress was allowed access and had explicit permission from Rose Quartz to use what technology they found in order to close the gap between their battle prowess and that of the Gems. When Gray audaciously sent waves of literally thousands of robots to the downed ship in order to steal that technology for his own nefarious purposes, it hit the Gems hard. It was akin to the National Socialist Party marching on American soil and attempting to unearth the graves in Arlington in order to find the secret to atomic weaponry.

Needless to say, the Gems didn't take this too well. Even Rose Quartz herself, a being who could see the beauty and redeemable features of every living creature, was personally offended at the audacity of this person-who _very clearly_ knew what those battlegrounds meant to the Gems and sought to raid them for technology in order to secure world domination. For the first time since they had arrived on Earth, the Crystal Gems realized that they needed to interfere with human development outside of purely Gem-related manners; if Gray were to secure enough Gemtech, with his resources he would be able to construct an army of robots as strong as Gem monsters.

With this in mind, the Gems start showing up alongside Team Fortress on the battlefield even more, and grant the mercenaries more access to Gemtech and advanced weaponry in order to make them stronger. Soon they even stray from their normal battle tactics and start going on the offensive; whole-team raids on Gray robot factories and laboratories in order to slow down production and research. At the time, Mann Co. was still backing the mercenaries and The Administrator was not about to let this advantage go without capitalizing on it. A shadow campaign was orchestrated against Gray's companies by The Administrator's own intelligence agency with the intent of turning the public to Mann Co.'s side and painting Gray as the megalomaniac he truly was.

Suffering damage from both a political war and _literal_ war against his father's company, Gray begins to lose major amounts of assets and resources he once took for granted. With Team Fortress and their alien friends closing in on his position, the third Mann brother flees his last stronghold and takes what is left of his empire underground.

Flash-forward a decade and a half later, Gray resurfaces with entirely new and upgraded robots with the intent of stealing what is left of Mann Co. and swiping what Gemtech he can manage to get his grubby hands on. The Gems and mercs rush to the battlefield in earnest, however they find that the once-pushover forces were actually a bit more difficult to deal with this time around. Just as the world advanced its technology, so has Gray. His robots are tougher, meaner, stronger and smarter (relatively speaking), and the Gems lose a bit of battlefield prowess due to their melee-oriented combat. Oh, they could still destroy entire platoons, but where the robot's rounds would just bounce ineffectively off of their bodies, they now pierced their 'skin'. A single bullet was not much trouble, yet with dozens of robots nearby at any given time, the Gems have to take cover so that they could heal from time to time.

But what little the Gems lose in battle against Gray's machines, the mercenaries more than make up for. Whereas Gray had only snippets and scraps of Mann Co. and Gem technology, Team Fortress had access to the real thing for years. The mercenaries' newest weapons and gear gave them near Gem-level strength; this was reflected in their battles with Gray's robots and Gem monsters.

As such, the Mann brother continued to fail his attempts at seizing the technology he so desperately coveted, yet never stopped trying. To this very day, the elusive roboticist orchestrates massive campaigns against the Gem and the mercenaries in hopes that one time they will slip up and allow him victory.

So far that has yet to happen.

* * *

"I cannot _freaking_ believe this!"

At the site of the previous Crystal Shrimp infestation, the Gems and the mercenaries stare disdainfully down at the dilapidated wreck of the Scoutbot. Now that the team was aware of Gray's presence, this mission to the Lunar Sea Spire just became a whole lot more difficult. Unwilling to be caught off-guard by a passing robot patrol, everyone pulls out their weapons and starts eyeballing the doors of the room, wary of any potential attack position. Pyro, the most proficient in sniffing out hidden enemies, runs around the room, periodically spraying any dark or out-of-the-way areas with fire in order to weed out any hidden Spybots. So far, the firebug hadn't found anything, but it continues to do its job until absolutely certain.

On the floor of the room, Engineer had removed the head of the Scoutbot and hitched it up to his tablet. The Texan was attempting to access the android's memory banks for information; how many robots Gray had sent to the Sea Spire, where they were holed up if they had enough to form a fortification, what exactly they were doing here, ect. He did this under everyone else's guard and with Pearl's watchful gaze. Steven (the adults having realized that he was the most vulnerable and were willing to protect him at all costs) was seated next to the duo and staring wide-eyed at the mechanical rendition of Scout.

When Engineer's little tablet let out a chirp signaling that the file decryption was finished, Pearl looked over the mechanic's shoulder at the screen, her spear held tightly in her grasp, "Well? What do we know?"

Engineer typed a few commands into the tablet and frowned, "Not very much; apparently Gray was able to send these hunks a' junk here by use of some kind of…'Submersible Supertank'. It's not as big as the ones on land, thank God, but they are a bit harder to detect. He was searching the place for some scraps of Gemtech, but by the time this Scout died-an hour ago, by the way-they hadn't found anything," The Texan hits a second command and a list of words starts appearing on the screen, "Okay, company numbers and registration: Twenty normal Scoutbots, ten Black Box Soldierbots, four Buff Soldiers, seven flare Pyros, three Phlogs, ten Demoknights, one Major Bomber-"

"Oh, that's just _great_ ," Amethyst groans from her guard position, "That's _exactly_ what I wanted to deal with today."

"Freakin' bomb-chuckin' maniac…" Scout grumbles as his gaze sweeps the room.

"-five normal Heavies, three Steel Gauntlets, two Giant Heavybots, two Enigneerbots, five ubermedics, three Snipers and zero Spies," Engineer finishes as he scratches his head, "It's not _bad_ , but-"

"But our primary concern is whether or not they'll slow us down enough to make us miss our deadline," Garnet says as she looks to the top of the Spire, "We'll need to exercise caution and try to avoid a confrontation until after we've placed the statue."

"Well, that might be a problem."

Garnet turns to regard Engineer with a questioning look.

"Says here that the majority of the robots have camped out on top of the Spire itself; ain't no way we're gonna avoid a fight if we want to save this place."

Everyone digests this statement for a moment. Then, almost comically, their gaze turns to Steven. The half-Gem looks around at their expressions in confusion, "What?"

Garnet gives Pearl a look, "Pearl-"

"Garnet, _no_. A thousand times no!" The alabaster Gem replies, appearing almost offended, "He doesn't have any of his powers, he has _zero_ battle experience aside from that one time with the centipeetle, and that's _highy_ debatable as 'battle experience', and he has no idea how to conduct himself with Gray's machines! The reason we brought Steven along this mission was because we thought it was safe! You can't _seriously_ be suggesting we continue as we are now? Steven could get hurt, or worse!"

"We need to place that statue on the Spire tonight, or we lose it all. If we want to ensure Steven's safety, we either have to send him home with one of us, reducing our combat capability, leave him here alone-"

"Inadvisable," Spy says from his corner of the room, not looking at anyone, "If one or more of those Scoutbots were to escape our watch, they would likely pass by this area; we would have to leave him with a guard. In addition, the chance of those Crystal Shrimp returning or something else unexpected occurring is too high to leave him here with a simple Sentry instead."

Garnet nods to the Frenchman, "So that means that the most logical choice of action is to keep him close to us."

Amethyst chooses this time to step in and add her opinion, "Wait, G, I think I might be with Pearl on this one."

The alabaster Gem looks at her purple companion in surprise, "R-really?"

"Yeah, ha ha, laugh it up, whatever, _look_ ; fighting Gray is a _lot_ different that fighting Gem monsters. I'm not sure we can keep Steven safe the whole time, even if we can handle these 'bots no problem. Maybe we should send Steven back after all."

Engineer gives a frustrated huff and shakes his head, "Statistically speaking, Garnet's idea has the greatest chance for all of us walking from this with little to no trouble. Losing any single member of us will put us at a strategic disadvantage when it comes to that person's field. I'm not sayin' we can't do it, but it will be a bit more difficult."

"Oi, wait a tic," Demo interjects, "Shouldn't we talk about this first? I don' feel very comfortable putting Steven in one of our, ah…jobs. There's a lot o' things that can happen."

"Then allow Steven to make choice."

The Gems and mercenaries, split on their idea of what to do with Steven, turn to Heavy as they watch the Russian amble over to the half-Gem, machine gun in his grasp. He leans down to Steven's level and sets his weapon aside as he looks at the boy, "What do you think?"

Steven, for his part, is actually conflicted. Normally the half-Gem would say yes, take me along, whenever the question came up. Joining his family on an awesome mission with potential fights with Gem monsters and/or robots? Sign me up!

But then again, Steven had always been great at reading other's moods for his age. And right now, everyone was either really angry, really scared for him, or both. Not to mention, seeing how grizzled and serious everyone looked with their weapons out, Steven felt a bit intimidated by the whole thing. A small part of him wanted to just head back home and wait there instead.

However, a larger, wise-beyond-his-years part of Steven realized that if he did so, he'd be putting the rest of his family in greater danger. Whoever went back with him to escort Steven to the warp pad would not be fighting; and while Steven had no doubt that the Gems and mercenaries will persevere, he had no great love for making their jobs more difficult. So the half-Gem made his decision. He stood up straight, tightened his grip on his backpack straps, and looked Heavy right in the eye.

"I'm coming with you guys."

Ignoring the sounds of protest/agreement behind them, the Russian maintained Steven's gaze for a little longer, "It will be dangerous; robots are tough fighters and different from Gems. Are you sure?"

Steven nodded, "Yup. I know I don't have my Gem powers yet, but I'm supposed to be able to help you guys along missions. I'm not going to let you guys go into a fight underpowered just because of me. Besides; who's gonna carry the statue if you've all busy fighting instead?"

"Alright," Heavy says quietly, before standing up and hefting his minigun up, "Stay behind us all and remain near doctor just in case," The Russian then turns to the others in the room and gestures to the exit with his weapon, "Come, we have wasted enough time here. We must get to Spire-top soon." He then marches up the stairs.

Garnet, the first to recover, nods to Steven and follows after the heavy weapons specialist with her gauntlets at the ready. Scout, Demo, Pyro, Sniper, Medic and Spy follow suit, each giving Steven a nod, smile, or thumbs-up with regards to his decision. Soldier comes over with a huge smile and claps the boy on his shoulder.

"Excellent speech, cadet!" He congratulates Steven before continuing on his way. Amethyst gives Steven a cocky smile as she passes by, and Pearl looks worriedly at the boy for a moment. She hems and haws for a moment before finally saying, "If you're sure…" and continuing on.

Back at the Scoutbot wreck, Engineer had attached the head back to the body (having gleaned all the information he could from it) and placed a small circular device on the android's chest. He presses the button in the center, and the wreck is teleported to the salvage room in the Fortress. The Texan then turns to Steven and chuckles, "Ya know, it's too bad I can't use these pocket teleporters on organic things, otherwise I would'a sent you back in a second. Well, the fat's in the fryer now; just try to stay behind us and don't draw attention to yourself; you should be fine."

Engineer then whips out his shotgun, pumps it, and motions to the exit with his head. Steven nods and follows up the stairs with the Texan bringing up the rear.

* * *

After a small problem in another room, where Demoman detonates an explosion at the base of two pillars in order to create a makeshift bridge over a small water hazard, the team of thirteen reaches the small area before the top of the Spire. With a wordless command from Garnet, everyone leans against the wall of the hallway, trying to make themselves as small of targets as possible. As Steven does the same, his ears pick up the sound of mechanical clanking and whirring. The others do the same with varying expressions on their faces.

"They're just ahead," Garnet remarks, turning back to the group, "Spy."

The espionage expert nods and flicks his watch, turning invisible. Everyone else waits in relative silence, their weapons at the ready and itching for a fight. Engineer has whipped out his PDA and prepares to teleport in the proper equipment when Spy reports in through his comm.

" _I have a visual on their positions."_

"Go ahead." The Texan replies, mercs and Gems alike on edge.

" _The two Engineerbots have set up their Sentries on opposite sides of the Spire; there's no way I'll be able to take care of both positions at once."_

Engineer turns to Medic who looks at the side of his medigun for a moment and then nods, "We can handle one Sentry position, what else?"

" _The Demoknights, Scouts, and Flare Pyros are just milling about randomly. There's one giant Heavy near each Sentry; each with an ubermedic backing them up. The three Steel gauntlets are standing at the back of the platform; each of_ them _has an ubermedic as well…All fourteen of the Soldiers are just standing at attention on the far end of the platform, backing up the three Snipers who are looking at the waterline for some reason…The Heavies are surrounding a central structure, where I assume the statue is supposed to be placed…"_

The Gems' expressions visibly sour at this news, particularly Pearl, who looks ready to murder something. The alabaster Gem looks out the window and searches for the moon in the sky; she is mildly surprised to find that the orb is nearly overhead, "We need to hurry; it's not too late to save the Sea Spire but we _need_ to hurry!"

"Hold up now, Pearl, we're getting' to that. Spy, where's the Major Bomber?"

" _It appears to be deactivated and is curled up near the Sentry position on the right."_ The Frenchman's voice calls out. After a moment, he adds, _"Truthfully, I believe I could kill the Engineer and sap his Sentry, the giant Heavy, the Medic, and Major Bomber at once."_

"Are you certain?" Engineer says, his brain already laying out the basis for a plan of attack.

" _Absolutely."_

The Texan grins evilly, "That's all I needed to hear," He then motions for everyone to huddle together in the corridor, "Gather 'round, ya'll. Here's what we're gonna do…"

* * *

At the top of the Sea Spire, Engineerbot HK-12 T-139 ponders its mechanical life as it senselessly whacks its Sentry with its wrench for no particular reason other than because it was told to. The construct wonders if this is what the organic mercenary it was modeled after would do the same thing it was doing if he was in the same situation.

Probably not, but then again, that was because that meatbag didn't have the almighty maker to guide him in his endeavors.

 _EXECUTE COMMAND: ALL HAIL THE MAKER Y/N?_

 _CANNOT OVERRIDE N COMMAND, EXECUTING: ALL HAIL THE MAKER_

The Engineerbot is about to vocally praise their great, wondrous and completely infallible maker when something catches its attention.

Rather, it catches the attention of every robot on the Spire.

"Hey, trashcans! Who wants somma this?"

 _SCANNING ORGANIC LIFE-FORM…SCAN COMPLETE_

 _WARNING, LIFE-FORM IS IDENTIFIED AS SCOUT PRIME, EXTREMELY HIGH DANGER_

 _CALCULATING ORGANIC'S CHANCE TO ELIMINATE ALL ROBOTS ON HIS OWN WITHOUT BACKUP AND WITHOUT SUCCUMBING TO WOUNDS….CALCULATION COMPLETE; ORGANIC PROBABILITY OF TOTAL SUCCESS, 0.0001692%, GRAY FORCES PROBABILITY OF SUCCESS, 99.0008308%_

 _OPEN FIRE ON SCOUT PRIME_

Running commands at about light-speed, the Gray robots take only a split second before choosing to fire everything they have at the Bostonian in hopes of killing him. In fact, this Engineerbot in particular is so driven by his programming to eliminate the organic, the android doesn't even register the EMP Microfibre blade penetrate his chassis like butter. Now within the inner workings of the machine, the EMP blade detonates, scrambling the robot's systems and 'killing' it instantly.

Quicker than the eye can follow, Spy flings an Electro-Sapper 3000 at the Engineerbot's Sentry, deactivating it and slowly draining its mechanical life. He then tosses one onto the nearby Giant Heavy, shutting it down as well, and then a second onto Major Bomber, which was trying to activate itself in response to the threat. While the Sapper didn't shut it down like the Sentry or lesser Giant Heavybot, Major Bomber found its systems filled with junk information and became very sluggish and twitchy in its motions.

Sensing that its heal target was in danger, the Giant Heavy's ubermedic attempted to activate its charge. A swift headshot from Spy put an end to that particular plan. The Frenchman allows a cocky smirk to cross his features as he views the carnage he had created before tapping his communicator, "Sentry sapped and two giants are deactivated; move on in."

Scout was jumping and dashing all around the top of the Spire, never getting hit by a single bullet. Just before he had crept up top, the Bostonian had downed one of his legendary cans of Bonk! Atomic Punch. Developed by Mann Co. and improved by Medic, the soda was filled with large amounts of caffeine and radioactive isotopes that supercharged Scout's system and allowed him to literally run between the bullets. The effect was brief, but devastating on his foes, because while the runner was literally invisible and able to return fire, the robots were all focusing on him instead of remaining at attention. Scout downed one of the Phlogistonator Pyrobots and two of his mechanical dopplegangers in the time it took Spy to lay out his Sappers and call for reinforcements.

And that's when shit got real.

Revving his machine gun and yelling to high heaven, Heavy charged up the stairs and started punishing any robots in his immediate sight; taking out four Demoknights before they could even register the Russian. He then proceeded to belt out rounds at any nearby robot, soaking up damaging and spitting it back out at his foes. Three of the Black Box Soldiers died to the deadly heavy weapons expert as well.

Behind him, Medic took cover from enemy fire and pumped life-giving medicine into Heavy as he trudged forward. At one point, a Scoutbot thought it could be cute and try to take out the German. It rushed behind the heavy weapons expert and cocked its gun.

Its head was swiftly removed by an expert saw-swing from the doctor along with vicious cackles. Medic puts his bonesaw away and swiftly draws his Modified Crusader's Crossbow, shooting a high-impact arrow at one of the Sniperbots trying to line up a shot at Heavy. Its life is cut short with a pathetic synthesized scream of agony as the bolt pierces its face.

With the cover of the Russian in place, Demoman charges out from the staircase with an energy shield on his arm, screaming at the top of his lungs. He runs smack-dab into one of the Soldierbots, knocking it back a few steps. The Scotsman draws a longsword from behind him and cleaves horizontally, decapitating the robot in a spray of black ink. Demo's empty eyesocket glows green with power and the blade is his grasp seems to shudder with energy.

' _Headsssss…_ ' A hoarse whisper calls out from the blade, encouraging its wielder to harvest more heads in order to boost its strength.

Demo doesn't even spare it a look, "Shut up, you." He says before resheathing the blade (it let out a whispery protest) and whipping out his Stickybomb Launcher. Cranking back the pump, the cyclops wears the most malicious, shit-eating Demo-grin as he shoots mines in every direction. By his own design, more than a few of them end up at the feet of the second Engineer and its Sentry. He then detonates the explosives when he reaches the maximum amount deployed. This not only destroys the Engineerbot and its Sentry, but also takes out the other two Phlogistonator Pyros and turns one of the Heavybots to scrap.

With the Sentry down and aerial pressure denied, Soldier launches himself into the air with his rockets. At a respectable height, he deploys his parachute and floats gently in the breeze as he acquires his targets. The patriot fires a five-rocket barrage downward, destroying the two remaining Sniperbots, one of the ubermedics and severely wounding the Medic's Steel Gauntlet partner. Seeing a weakened target, Soldier whips out his shovel and pulls his parachute back in. The rocketeer falls to the Spire with all the grace (and volume) of a flaming meteorite before crushing the large robot beneath his boots and shoving his Market Gardener into the android's cranium. Charged with electrical energy, the shovel easily penetrates the slight protection provided by the robot's chassis and then hits wiring. Satisfied that he had killed his enemy, Soldier spits on the robot's corpse and then launches into the air again.

Pyro, even more eager than the others, especially since it gets to set things on fire again, charges out ahead of Heavy, bathing any robot close enough in a swath of extremely hot flames. From time to time, the firebug pulls out a flare gun with its left hand and pops off a shot at one of the Heavybots, setting them ablaze. The pyromaniac removes the rest of the Demoknights on its own and begins whittling down one of the Steel Gauntlets when the robot's Medic intervenes. Activating the secondary mode of fire on the medigun, the ubermedic charges its Steel Gauntlet with power. A shell of Gray energy encapsulates the robot, extinguishing Pyro's flames completely.

To those uninitiated in the power of an ubercharge, the Medic can power up an ally with a secondary mode of fire on his medigun. This is known as an ubercharge, and it can change the course of a battle. While ubered, both the Medic and its heal target are completely invincible for eight seconds; they are immune to any forms of damage. Now in the protection of an ubercharge, the Steel Gauntlet robot lets out a deep and vicious roar at the Pyro, knowing that the firebug can't harm it.

"EXECUTING VICIOUS TAUNT: GOOD TIME TO RUN, COWARD!" The ubered robot cries, swinging its metal-covered fists dangerously and following up with evil laughter.

Pyro looks at the impressive display of power in front of it and cocks its head.

*FWOOSH*

The Steel Gauntlet and its Medic began their long fall down the side of the Spire; their ubercharge even now flickering as it runs out.

As it turns out, ubercharged targets are not immune to the push force from certain weapons. This includes the flamethrower's airblast.

Pyro giggles madly to itself as it listens to the two robots scream out in fear and agony. It then looks around and searches for something else to burn.

Engineer, one of the weakest mercenaries in terms of direct combat, puts up a decisive fight as well. Knowing that he won't have the time to set up a full Sentry before the robots turn their attention to it, the Texan tosses out a smaller toolkit that unfolds-almost instantly-into a mini-Sentry. Designed for ease of use to go along with a more offensive-oriented combat style, mini-Sentries are smaller turrets that don't deal as much damage as the Engineer's higher level machines. However, they set up much faster, and do so without any prompting from the Engineer himself. The earlier versions of the mini-Sentry weren't as strong as even the level-1 All-purpose Sentry of the same model. However, with time comes improvement, and Engineer has had the better part of four decades to improve his machine's capabilities.

Enter the All-Purpose mini-Sentry; a single chaingun barrel supplemented with two rocket pods that shoot individual rockets but with a moderate reload time. The little weapon that caused misery and pain to many mercenaries of old made even stronger with time and patience. When the mini-Sentry had unloaded itself, it immediately acquired the nearest target and opened fire.

Three Scoutbots fell victim to the weapon before a wayward Soldier rocket destroyed the small turret. The moment it was destroyed, Engineer dashed up to the robot in question and stuck his shotgun in its face.

"Ya'll about to have a bad day now." The inventor taunts before he blows the robot's head to scraps with his Mod-7 Frontier Justice. Engineer turns and quickly kills two flare Pyros before backing up and tossing out another mini-Sentry, waiting for the cycle to start up again. In fleeing, a fourth Scoutbot attempts to take him out. The android's face is then introduced to a critical wrench.

Staying behind everyone else, Sniper peeks out from the staircase and periodically taking out a robot with a headshot from his rifle. He kills all of the Buff Banner Soldiers in this way as well as two Scoutbots. Seeing that the Giant Heavy that had resided next to second Sentry was now moving up, the Australian quickly pulls out a special rifle for just such an occasion.

Once known as The Machina, Engineer decided that the railgun simply wasn't at peak performance and had added a few special attachments to the weapon, cranking its penetration power up. The rifle is now known as The Mach-13, capable of firing devastatingly powerful bullets that could penetrate nearly any substance.

Sniper lines up his shot directly between the eyes of the android. He takes a deep breath, in and out, shutting down all external responses to anything except what he was seeing through the sights of his rifle. There was his target and nothing else.

* _ping_ *

* _PSSSEEEWWWWWWWW_ *

Sniper fires his weapon, discharging a F.M.J., H.P., E.T., H.V., M.L.G. shot that literally makes the skull of the giant robot explode due to the force of the bullet. The headless body slumps down and falls over like a tree that had just been chopped. Sniper reloads his weapon and smirks at the dead chassis.

"You'd best keep lying down, mate."

The Australian then fires off a second shot that kills the Giant's Medic companion, neutralizing the machine's ubercharge.

During this time, the mercenaries were not working alone. The Crystal Gems, furious at this incursion to such a place of culture and serenity, leapt into action.

Well, Amethyst really just wanted to break some robots, but the spirit was effectively the same.

Pearl, elegant and agile, literally danced her way through the rockets of several Soldierbots and the flares of what Pyros remained. Through the androids tried to flee, Pearl eventually caught up with them and bisected the robots, killing them all.

Amethyst, rough and rowdy, literally bowled into a group Scouts, destroying three on impact and using the four others as a flail-wrapped up in her whip-against one of the Heavybots that was firing on her.

Garnet, tough and stoic, was nearly unstoppable. She charged into the fray of Heavybots, denting their skulls and bodies on impact with her gauntlets. The tall Gem takes out all of the normal Heavybots and finishes off the Steel Gauntlet as well, causing the robot's Medic to flee. Garnet catches up in no time and rips the android in half before it can activate its charge.

Steven watched all of this with rapt fascination; the degree of destruction and carnage of the robots was somehow both artistic and chaotic at the same time.

It was like watching a train wreck crossed with a ballet dance; the robots might have worked together like a well-oiled machine, but the mercenaries and the Gems were a veritable force of nature. Steven's eyes widened in starbursts as he watched the whole ambush play out almost entirely in favor of the twelve-person team.

Heavy wiped out the three remaining Scoutbots and turned to the two sapped giants when a tremor shook the foundation of the tower, throwing everyone off-balance.

"Oh, alright…" Medic said as he looked skyward, "This is actually really bad…"

Indeed, things were very bad. For while the mercenaries and Gems handed out their beating on the robots, enough time had elapsed that the Spire was now in danger of collapsing. Quakes and cracks sundered the tower and threw everyone to their knees. Luckily, this had the added benefit of pitching the last Giant Heavy over the side of the Spire and having it shatter on the cliffs below.

Unfortunately, this had the added consequence of knocking Spy's sapper off of Major Bomber, allowing the boss robot to boot up completely. The great machine stood up fully, rising above eighteen feet and staring down at the mercenaries and Gems with all the impunity a soulless robot could muster. It marched between the group and the statue pedestal before drawing its giant grenade launcher, which was constantly crit-boosted, and aiming down the sights.

" **INTIMIDATING TAUNT: THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GLUE YOU BACK TOGETHER! IN** _ **HELL**_ **."**

The robot then let out a vicious burst of sixteen grenades from its launcher; enough to darken the light of the full moon. Solider, already airborne, was able to avoid the rain of explosives easily. Pyro jumped next to Scout and Spy and deflected the three that were headed for them with a well-timed airblast. Everyone else moved near Medic, who flipped a switch on his medigun, causing a great wall of crimson energy to burst into life in front of him.

The wall was high enough to catch any grenades sent their way, and any projectile that made contact with the wall detonated immediately. Major Bomber took a second to reload its large clip launcher, while the team of twelve readied their own weapons in retaliation. Soldier fired rockets down from his place in the sky, Pyro popped off a couple flares and ignited the great android. Sniper took aim with his railgun and fired a great shot right at the giant's eye, to little effect. Demoman launched his own volley of grenades at the android. Heavy, Scout, Engineer and Spy let loose with their own weapons, trying to bring the boss down. Garnet fired her rocket gauntlets at the giant, causing it to stumble for a moment. Pearl fired energy blasts from her spear, and when that wasn't enough, she chucked the spear itself before summoning another. Amethyst lashed her whip around the nearest large object, a Steel Gauntlet wreck, and flung it at the bossbot.

Major Bomber took quite a beating from all of this, but still kept reloading its giant weapon till the clip was full. The robot then launched another crit volley that was still blocked by Medic's shield. But it was the last defense the German had, as the wall of crimson evaporated a second later. Worse yet, another tremor shook the spire, knocking everyone to the ground and driving the giant robot to its knees. Seeing a moment of weakness the giant Demobot held up its weapon once more and took aim at its downed adversaries-

When its one eye was suddenly obscured by an undefined object. The thing squeezed against Major Bomber's glass plate when it landed.

" _Ugh, jeez, kid, you're killin' me!"_

Major Bomber finally removed the object obscuring its gaze and held it up so that it could better identify it. The object was a small, greenish plushie with a cartoony 'yuck' face and a visible stomach.

For a moment, Major Bomber's subroutines immediately identified such a perverse child's toy as an article of Mann Co. (who else would make something so stupid?) and spend a good couple second ripping it to shreds.

Steven, knowing full well the consequences of his actions, made excellent use of those few seconds. Having successfully distracted the giant robot, Steven immediately removed the Moon Goddess statue from his cheeseburger backpack and sprinted forward to the pedestal, where the moon cast a cylindrical light down. Ignoring his companions' cries of shock, the half-Gem charged the distracted Major Bomber who was just about finished destroying Mr. Queasy. When the boss robot re-acquired its target, it was almost startled to find that a small organic was charging it head-on, armed only with a small statue. The giant superbot bent down to scoop the child up and contain it (Gray thought that having his robots harm civilians would look bad to the public). Seeing the robot move, Steven gritted his teeth and dropped to his legs in a slide, "CHEESEBURGEEEEEEEERRRRRR,"

The half-Gem slid right between the legs of Major Bomber and quickly re-oriented himself at the base of the pedestal. Steven then slammed the statue down on top of the pedestal, finishing with a heroic cry of, "BACKPACK!"

Slowly, almost agonizingly, the statue rose up the light passage and into the sky. When it reached a specific point, the statue exploded into a shower of stars and blue moonlight, bathing the Lunar Sea Spire in its luminescence. Beneath their feet, the team of thirteen could feel the Spire repairing the wear and tear it had suffered for countless years. Pillars sealed themselves back together, broken dams repaired themselves, anything that had been shattered, overgrown, or otherwise destroyed, was repaired within seconds. Moss was evaporated into nothingness, and the Crystal Shrimp suddenly found that their current home was far too bright and shiny for them to enjoy it, so they fled back beneath the surface of the water.

Once the light of the Moon Goddess statue had faded, and the Sea Spire had returned to glory, Steven finally stopped gazing awestruck at the sky and looked straight ahead at the restored pedestal.

"Wow…"

" **SCANNING BIO-SIGNATURE."**

Steven jumped and turned at the sound of Major Bomber's booming and mechanical voice behind him. The boy gazed fearfully up at the giant's singular eye as the android scanned him from head to toe. After a moment, the robot's eye flashed red and it pointed its launcher directly at Steven's face.

The boy gulped and looked up at the robot's eye with a nervous smile, "H-hey there…big…robot…guy. Um, you're not upset that I threw my plushie at your face, are you?"

" **ROSE QUARTZ GEM DETECTED; SHAPE-SHIFTING STRATEGY ACKNOWLEDGED. TERMINATE ORGANIC WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE. EXECUTING VERY INTIMIDATING AND SLIGHTLY ANNOYED THREAT: YOU'RE MAKING ME VERY CROSS-CROSS-CRO-VERRY-VERRRRRRY-VEEEEEEEEERRRRRRY CROOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"**

Major Bomber began jerking heavily and uncontrollably. Turning its head as best as it could, the giant Demobot noticed an Electro-Sapper attached to his back. Just beneath the disruptor was a sharply-dressed man in a red balaclava. The man in question then raised a revolver to Major Bomber's face.

"You shouldn't turn you back on your opponents."

Spy fired his Ambassador magnum directly in the robot's face, dealing major damage and causing the android to stumble back in synthesized pain. It turned back to the advancing group of twelve and raised its weapon once again; despite its jerky aim, it could still land a couple of shots.

Heavy, however, was having none of that. He turned back to Medic, who had patched everyone up and was now back to healing him, "Charge now doctor!"

The German nodded and smiled an evil smile, "Ja." Before activating his medigun's secondary mode of fire and triggering his ubercharge. But this was no ordinary ubercharge, no no no.

This was the Wunderwaffe Medigun; a device that took a bit longer to accumulate an ubercharge, but the payout is definitely worth it. For one, this ubercharge lasts twenty seconds when compared to the old medigun's eight. Also, it didn't just ubercharge the patient, no no no.

It also gave them crits for the duration, made them immune to any movement-impairing effects, doubled the patient's firing speed, and caused an aura of healing to emanate from Medic himself.

So when Heavy felt the familiar energy encase him in a red shell, what did he do?

He ran smack-dab into Major Bomber's grenades, that's what. The Russian soaked up all of those critical explosions without so much as a scratch and continued charging straight ahead, pouring relentless fire into the giant's body.

Major Bomber set down its weapon to try and reload it, when a rhinestone-encrusted whip snapped around its weapon arm, ensnaring it. The robot followed the rope's path down to where the short purple Gem was holding him from readying his weapon again.

Amethyst smirked and gave a mighty heave on her whip, "Comin' down!"

Were Major Bomber at peak condition, it may have been able to resist the Gem's pull. However, having its systems scrambled by a sapper, being constantly shot at by high-powered weapons, and getting its cranium be shattered by another railgun shot from Sniper didn't exactly do the android any favors. The boss robot feel to the crystalline floor with a mighty crash, and everyone capitalized on its moment of weakness.

Garnet and Pearl ran up to the thing and started viciously ripping armor plating away to get to the more delicate innards. Demo, deciding not to use explosives with the Gems up against the thing, ran up and started hacking away at the wiring with his Eyelander, with Pyro doing the same with his Homewrecker. Everyone else shoots any visible part of the robot as Amethyst holds the monster down, periodically sending waves of energy through her whip.

Major Bomber's vision is obscured with static and countless damage reports as it finally begins to succumb to its wounds. One last time, the robot turns its gaze skyward, having heard something similar to a female eagle screaming in agony.

Oh no, wait it's just Soldier flying down at the robot's head with-hey is that the Market Gardener in his hand or just a normal shovel-?

*CLANG*

The patriot buries the entire blade of his makeshift weapon into Major Bomber's metallic skull, finally killing the boss robot as its eye dims. For a few more seconds, everyone continues ripping into the lifeless chassis just to be sure. However, everyone takes a step back when Medic's ubercharge runs out and his Russian patient stops firing his absurdly expensive rounds into the machine's body. The twelve combatants take a moment to catch their breath (figuratively, in the Gems' case).

"Alrigh'," Demo huffs after a moment, wiping his brow and putting his cursed sword away, "I think we got 'im."

That's all that Pearl needed to hear. The alabaster Gem dispels her weapon and runs over to where Steven is slouched over and picks him up by his face.

"OH MY STARS, STEVEN! Do you have ANY idea how DANGEROUS that was? Oh you are in BIG trouble when we get home mister! Let me tell you right now, how could you put yourself in danger like that? Huh?! Say something!"

Pearl shakes the boy lightly, just enough to get him to snap out of his daze and focus on her. The boy scratches his head for a moment, "Well…I had to save the Sea Spire, right?"

The pale Gem stops and sighs when she registers his words, "Steven, no piece of Gem history is worth losing _you_ over."

"But you guys were in trouble too! I couldn't just leave you like that!"

"We had it under control." Sniper says, popping a shell from his railgun.

Engineer pushed the Australian to the side and stepped up to the boy, "Steven, your help was much appreciated, but please leave the monster and robot fightin' to us from now on, alright? At least until you're a bit older and can control your Gem powers."

Steven sighed and looked down, "Okay…"

"'Ey, look on the bright side, little man! You saved the Sea Spire!" Scout chimes in, waving his bat around at the top of the tower, gesturing to everything.

The half-Gem brightens up and smiles at the Bostonian, "I did, didn't I?" Steven is suddenly hit with a wave of fatigue, and yawns widely.

Garnet steps up and gives the boy a small smile, "I think someone's getting tired."

Steven nods groggily, "Yeah…I'm gonna need a break before I deal with all this robot junk again…"

The adults all share a laugh at this, Steven trying to join in but succumbing to yawns again and snuggling up against Pearl. The Gem gently picks up Steven and carries him over to the winding staircase, "I'm going to take him home and put him to bed; Engineer, are you and your team coming?"

The Texan waves Pearl off and starts messing with his tablet, "Nah, we gotta catalogue all of these here robots before we send 'em to the Foundry. Then, I gotta set up a security system for this place…might take a while. You gals take Steven home and put him to sleep."

Pearl nods, and she is joined by Amethyst and Garnet (who either have no interest in working or no interest in human technology) at the stairs. The alabaster Gem begins her climb down when Engineer calls out to her once more.

"Hey, and if you don't mind, could you please bring Steven's backpack to my room? I wanna take a look at it for him, try and make it better, y'know?"

Pearl smiles and nods at the inventor, "I'll be sure to do just that."

* * *

"Hey, P, I bet if you starting giving Steven a history lesson now, it'd help him fall asleep from the sheer boredom."

"Amethyst, Gem history is not _boring_ , it's a complex and intricate story detailing who and what the Gems were on this Earth! It tells of our great triumph over our Homeworld and how we-"

* _snnnrrrkkk_ *

"…Don't you even say a word, Amethyst."

"I wasn't gonna say anything! ...Yet"

* * *

 **AN: Uh oh, looks like our little dream team won't just have to deal with Gem monsters and Homeworld this time around; Gray Mann and his robots have entered the fray! Guess things will get a little tougher for our heroes from here on out.**

 **Anyway, regarding Gray's robots, it makes perfect sense for the Gems to completely curb-stomp the earlier models but have difficulty in dealing with the later, tougher versions after Gray has collected enough data on the Gems. Just like how Engineer improves the weapons and building of his crew, so does Gray also improve his robot army.**

 **And you tell me right now, you me right in the tittles of my i's and you tell me that if GRAY MANN saw Gem technology, tech from an advanced alien species, that he wouldn't try to get in on that. However, once he did, the Gems finally realized that he was a threat to the world at large instead of just Mann Co. and had to step in and stop him. They never completely succeeded, but Gray hasn't acquired much Gemtech either.**

 **Oh, and look at that! Steven saved the Sea Spire this time! Gee, I wonder if this will become an important plot point later on...**

 **By the way, the acronyms in Sniper's little paragraph stand for, in order: Full Metal Jacket, Hollow Point, Explosive Tip, High Velocity, Major League Gamer. And yes, I am aware that not all of those things can be on one bullet in the real world but FACK YOU this is Team Fortress 2; logic doesn't apply.**

 **So that wraps up chapter three of Team Universe! Next time, we might take a look inside the mercenaries' stronghold, the Fortress!**

 **The reviews! I THIRST for them!**


	4. Chapter 4

Team Universe

 **Wow, I REALLY did not like writing this one. Not only is describing the setting my absolute worst field when it comes to writing, but I also had a ton of stuff irl to deal with. And then breaks down when I'm finishing up and I lose all of my progress.**

 **Yeah, that's fine, whatever. Didn't need to have a nervous breakdown or anything but eh.**

 **Hopefully future updates won't take much longer than this one, but I can't guarantee that. Shit just happens, you know?**

 **Anyways, enough about me. Thanks for putting up with me and staying loyal despite my brief hiatus! I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

 **Author's note at the bottom.**

 **Now, let's take a step back and have some chill time with the mercenaries. Time to check out the nine's home away from home and base of operations; The Fortress!**

 **Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or locations portrayed in this work; all characters and concepts belong to their original owners. Cover art belongs to the amazing Ace Florins.**

 _ **Now loading… achievement_thefortress**_

If one were to ask any resident of Beach City (politicians notwithstanding) what the most prominent feature of their small, homely, ocean-side town is, they would almost all agree that it was the giant statue of an eight-armed woman meticulously carved into the side of a beachside cliff. Some historians of the town had theorized that the statue had existed for thousands of years, and they would be correct in their assessment. Decrepit and aging, the imposing sculpture is not as amazing as it was in ages past, yet it still strikes wonder and amazement into all who witnessed it. As huge as the cliff itself, staring out to the horizon where the sky meets the sea, and standing strong against coastal weather for millennia; it is no wonder that humans were amazed and intimidated by its visage. This was spoiled by the introduction of Steven's beach house into the arms of the giantess, but not much.

However, the statue itself was the least amazing part of the cliff, and only a few individuals understood what the statue helped conceal. From the time of its inception, the statue served merely as an easily-identifiable landmark for the beings who resided within. At the center of the great carving, where a beach house was nestled in her arms, was the truly amazing part. A great, smooth door, with a five-pointed star and five gemstones etched into the crystalline face. Behind the door, where only a handful of people could open, lay an entirely new world. You see, the statue was actually the external portion of the great Crystal Temple; a many-roomed home away from home for the Crystal Gems. Relying on Gem magic, the Temple itself existed within a pocket dimension where the normal rules of Earth physics didn't exactly apply. The many rooms and passageways of the Temple were constantly changing and almost always expanding, sometimes with and sometimes without its creators' explicit instruction. Truly, the Crystal Temple was a place that baffled the mind and confused the senses; one would have to be of strong mind and will to avoid being swept away in its wonder.

Thankfully, however, that is not where the majority of this story takes place.

For within the statute's arms, near the entrance to the Crystal Temple, was a second door. A far cry from the crystalline, smooth and artistic Temple door, this second door was made completely out of a tough, nigh-impenetrable metal polished to a perfect chromatic shine. At the door's center there was a red insignia painted into the metal. The insignia resembled a circular reticle cut into four equal pieces and spaced slightly apart from each other. While the Temple door had no visible splits, hinges or locks, one could clearly see the two very large and very strong dual-locking bracers that kept unwanted guests out.

If one were to look at the crystalline room and the door to the Crystal Temple, one would most likely say that this metallic door seemed very much out of place in its setting. And they would be correct in that statement as well; the second door indeed clashed visually with the rest of the Crystal Temple. But then again, that was because it was never a part of the original design to begin with. It was added to the architecture (but not without much protesting from a certain pale Gem) during the early 1970's when the Crystal Gems added nine individuals to their team. Having lost favor with their previous employers, and for want of necessary communication between the two groups (Gems didn't really use human technology at this time), the nine needed a new place of residence. Rose Quartz offered the idea of allowing them to set up shop within their Temple, since it was technically their fault that the nine were out of a job in the first place. Additionally, it was becoming increasingly clear that the Gems' normal way of approaching a problem wasn't always the most effective; a capable crew of humans who were well versed in the strangeness of their world and very experienced in the art of warfare/fighting huge-ass monsters would be a welcome addition to Rose Quartz's merry band of misfits. The mercenaries provided an excellent contrast to the Gems in many ways; where they were powerful in close quarters combat, the mercenaries excelled in mid to long-range fighting. When the Gems' plans and ways of thinking failed, the mercs were more than eager to step up and try their own brand of crazy-with varying degrees of success. The Gems were the tried-and-true methods that had worked for years, and the mercenaries were the new, radical ideas that urged the Gems into the future. Seeing that they were not only needed by the Gems, but also _wanted_ , the mercenaries had little trouble accepting Rose's offer. After much planning, gathering of tools and materials and setting up a fence to keep the more 'normal' humans away, construction began on The Fortress; a massive undertaking that would eventually result in a large, many-roomed complex that housed the mercenaries and all of their weaponry with plenty of space to set up laboratories and hat storage containers. Thanks to Mann Co.'s own pocket dimension technology-while inferior to that of the Gems', was still very effective-the physical space that The Fortress took up was much smaller than the actual volume of the structure.

This was great because, like the Crystal Temple, The Fortress was incredibly expansive. Travelling to every individual room of the structure on foot, including all maintenance areas, would take at least a full day. Luckily, a certain Texan gearhead had the perfect invention to shorten travel time between points, and was more than happy to share it.

It is this very inventor that we now turn to. Engineer is currently in a small workstation just off of his main room. The workstation was a sight bigger than perhaps a normal, one-person room, but this particular station was made to house up to ten different projects at once. A series of soft fluorescent lights hung from the ceiling, casting their glow into the room. Corkboards covered almost every wall with blueprints, adjustments and personal notes were tacked up in a clear, organized fashion. Toolkits (which held actual tools instead of pre-constructed buildings) littered the area, some open with several of their contents missing. Multiple worktables were set up against the walls, each one laden with partially dismantled/assembled weapons, deactivated or broken perimeter cameras, miniature transmission towers or some other piece of technology. On one particular end of the room, a holographic projector lay inactive on the floor; Engineer not requiring its services as of yet. Like every other room in The Fortress and indeed like everything else created by the mercenaries, there was a splash of red coloring. In this instance, the walls of the workstation were painted a deep burgundy. Many would consider the dark shade of dried blood to be somewhat unsettling.

The Texan found it to be both oddly calming and thought-provoking. Engineer himself was seated in a rotating, wheeled chair and hunched over a workbench. Several tools lay discarded around his space on the table, some of which were far too complicated and advanced to detail in writing.

But rest assured; they were pretty futuristic and cool-looking.

Engineer sets down one of these very tools that he was using and leans back to admire his handiwork. Steven's very own cheeseburger backpack sits there on the metal surface, looking very much _not_ at all any different than when Steven had been gallivanting around the Lunar Sea Spire with it two days ago. However, the mark of master inventor was not in their device's ability to look amazing. Rather, their proof of genius lay in their creation's ability to _do_ something amazing.

Deciding to test if his methods had worked on this template (they never failed before, but it didn't hurt to check), Engineer withdrew one of his many shotguns from his pocket. He then unzipped the middle pocket of the backpack-the meat-and stuffed the long weapon in barrel-first. Instead of hitting the bottom of the backpack, as the backpack was not originally designed to carry something so long, Engineer kept moving the weapon further in until his whole arm up to his shoulder was inside the pack.

Smiling at his success in modifying the custom backpack, Engineer withdrew his limb from the cheeseburger's pocket dimension and put his shotgun away. The Texan re-zipped the backpack, turned it around, and set it back on table so that it was standing up with the sesame-seed bun facing outwards. Engineer stood up from his seat, stretched, and sighed contentedly.

"That's a good deed done," The inventor remarked before pulling out his tablet and flicking it on, "Now let's see here…" Engineer scrolled through the menu of options before finally clicking the 'Memos' app, opening into a virtual to-do list that was marked with today's date. The hard-hatted gentleman tapped the checkbox labeled 'Upgrade Steven's Cheeseburger Backpack (return when able)' and looked down at the next item on his list.

"'Hand Out Emergency One-Man Teleporters To Team,'" Engineer reads aloud before shrugging, "Well, I guess I'll do that then."

Taking but a few extra seconds to put his tools back where they belonged and move the toolbox back to its proper place on a nearby shelf, the Texan turns off his workstation's light as he exits the door, satisfied to hear the bio-lock automatically engage. Engineer then proceeds to walk through his room and head for the teleporter.

To those who knew Engineer well, they were aware that the mercenary had always thought of himself as just as much of a Texan as a genius, even if the two were not usually next to each other on one's list of traits. As such, the Southerner's room was reflected to show just that.

The walls, floor and ceiling of his personal quarters appeared to be constructed from a dark, rich wood, but were actually fabricated from a facsimile that the Texan had created himself. They appeared to be simple wooden boards, yet they also repelled fire, were bulletproof, and were harder to blow up than bank vault doors. To add insult to injury, when an intruder _was_ discovered within Engineer's private quarters, several sections of the walls, floor, and ceiling burst open to reveal hidden Sentry Guns.

And that wasn't even talking about the room's decorations; everything within the dwelling seemed to have a bit of a Southern flair to it. Engineer's wardrobe was immaculately built and expertly carved; when opened, a full-body mirror would unfold from the inside of the door and holographically project the look Engineer would have upon selecting a certain clothing item or hat. The bed could expand, contract, and fold in on itself should Engineer feel like reading blueprints or his tablet before bed. At the top of the bedpost were the two horns taken from a prized Longhorn Steer, perched in an impressive fashion. Rugs with stereotypical depictions of Southern landmarks, objects, and actions were strewn about the floor in a pattern that made sense only to the Texan. On one end of the room a large monitoring station sat before an even larger array of screens. Engineer's homemade supercomputer could crack the Pentagon electronic security system within seconds-about a minute, if the Texan felt like being stealthy-and was completely untraceable. Around the room were various other knick-knacks that happened to be of particular personal value to Engineer; including his prized guitar. Oh, the Texan had fond memories with that instrument; holding late-night barbeques with his whole team and leading the musical numbers, playing along in a mock-up band with the Gems and the rest of the mercenaries (those who knew how to play instruments, anyway), teaching Steven how to play on his smaller but no less charming ukulele, bashing in the brains of a particularly annoying enemy Spy with it…ah, memories.

Engineer steps over to the dormant teleporter in his room and reactivates it, turning off privacy mode for a few seconds. All of the mercenaries had teleporters in their personal quarters to provide them with a quick path to the outside should the Temple be under attack. They also served an additional purpose as an escape plan should the Fortress end up besieged and the mercenaries were cut off from the individual rooms. Of course, having a teleporter in one's private quarters could lead to embarrassing encounters should someone happen to pop in at an inopportune time. Therefore, Engineer had coded the mercenaries' personal teleporters with the option to set them into a 'privacy mode' where only the room's main occupant could disengage the setting. The Texan himself had an override code should the worst come to pass, and unlike some other members of their team, the mercenaries could trust him to look out for their wellbeing. While in privacy mode, the teleporter remains dormant and nobody can use that particular device as their destination.

Engineer selects his point of travel and steps onto the device, disappearing from his room in a flash of red light. He reappears a picosecond later at his destination; a lone teleporter in a small corridor only a few steps away from a door. Of course, when creating the teleporters with privacy mode, Engineer set up a second teleporter outside of every mercenary's room (too many things go wrong with these people to not have a rather high degree of redundancy) that can be used to teleport just outside a teammate's room in case privacy mode was enacted.

While Medic rarely ever initiates that particular function on his teleporter, Engineer believes that it would be rude to just show up in his teammates' rooms. The Texan-trailing a few red particles he picked up in the teleport stream-walks over to the windowless metal door leading to the doctor's room and presses the doorbell. In a few moments, the door slides open.

"Come in!" Medic's voice calls from inside. Engineer takes the invitation and steps through the threshold into the German's room.

The doctor's dwelling was a bit higher than most other rooms in the fortress; Medic had always preferred a higher position for some reason that Engineer couldn't really understand. But then again, the Texan had always enjoyed the sound of beeping and clanking machines that the others found irksome-that's why his room was in the lower levels-so who was he to judge? The ceiling was formed of a chrome-polished metal and the lights were a bit harsher here than in the rest of the Fortress; Medic always did like things bright. The walls were concrete, painted a pristine white with Medic's trademark red cross symbol emblazoned on the far wall. Filing cabinets lined one wall, each one filled with the medical information of every member of their team (Gems and Steven included) in order to provide a basis for which to gauge deviations in physical health. Medic's wardrobe was made of metal instead of wood like Engineer's, and didn't really appear outstanding. In truth, Medic preferred a very function-over-form lifestyle; he didn't have many outstanding possessions that he coveted (aside from his doves and hats of course), and all of his precious medical devices usually spent their time in either the Infirmary or attached to his back. The doctor's bed was similarly spare; red-on-white sheets never seemed to be very practical to Engineer, but it was Medic's choice after all. There was a small bookshelf next to his bed, filled with as many medical books as it was with horrible human experiments gone wrong (the German had already brought several of the tales to life on his operating table). Medic had a few trinkets scattered around the room; a bust of Hippocrates, his treasured violin, a small feeding area for his birds, and so on. Truthfully, most of Medic's personality was represented in his work; he very much enjoyed his time in the operating room-more than anyone should-and always said that his room was merely just a place to rest his head. A computer was set up in a desk on the side of the room near the filing cabinets-it wasn't as large as Engineer's, but it never needed to be. Medic himself was seated at that very desk, messing with some small device in his hands. Several of his doves were perched on the top of the desk and were looking down at their master in intrigue. The doctor looked over his shoulder a few seconds after opening the door and smiled when he saw the Texan.

"Ah, Herr Engineer! Zhis is an unexpected surprise. Vhat brings you up here?" The German asked.

"Mornin', doc'," Engineer said with a tip of his ever-present hardhat, "Just wanted to drop off a little something that might help us in the future. I've handin' 'em out to everyone just in case."

Medic scratched his chin, "Truly? Vhat did you have in mind?"

"Well-Actually, am I interruptin' ya? You seem to be working pretty hard on somethin' there."

"Oh, bah," Medic said with a wave of his hand, "Just trying to get ahead on our project in my spare time."

Engineer frowned, "Doc, I can appreciate your dedication to your work, but ya' really shouldn't spend all of your time messin' around with that contraption and ending up _nowhere_. That kinda stuff could drive a man…" The Texan drifts off when he realizes just exactly what he is saying.

Medic, on the other hand, smirks and quirks an eyebrow at him, "It could drive a man insane?" He teases, "Oh, how tragic! Could you just imagine zhe chaos a _crazy person_ could cause-"

"Alright," Engineer interrupts and points a finger at the doctor, "Poor choice of words, but my point still stands. Ya' should do something else for a bit."

"Ja, ja, I suppose you are correct," Medic relents, sighing slightly as he turns to look at his teammate with a dry expression, "Vhat is it you vanted to drop off anyvay?"

By way of response, Engineer pulls out his PDA and presses a specific combination into the device. A small toolkit warps into existence at his feet in a flash of red light. The Texan picks up the kit and holds it out to Medic, "Keep this in your bag."

The doctor accepts the toolkit with a look of confusion, turning the small container around to view it from different angles. He eventually looks back up to Engineer, "…Vhy are you giving me zhis? I am a man of science, true, but usually vhen it applies to living beings. I don't see zhe point of me having one of your…" Medic trails off as he stares at the container in confusion.

"It's a teleporter."

"See? I cannot even tell your machines apart vhen zhey are in zhese containers!"

Engineer chuckled at the doctor's consternation, "Then I'll explain. Ya remember how we wanted to send Steven back home during that time at the Sea Spire?"

"Ja…"

"Well, that got me thinking; 'What the heck are we gonna do if Steven's with us when we get into a real fight?' That little skirmish at the top of the Spire wasn't anythin' we couldn't handle-even without the gals-but there's a lotta crap that can happen during those cases. One wayward bullet or grenade ain't a big deal to us, we're tougher than most. Heck, even if the thing _does_ kill us, we'll just respawn anyways. But to Steven…"

"A stray bullet or rocket could very vell mean death," Medic finished, looking uncharacteristically serious and slightly frightened, " _True_ death, as ve do not understand if he can regenerate or not."

Death was…an odd topic for the mercenaries. Technically they had died literally thousands of times already, but were brought back from 'wherever' due to the miraculous piece of technology known as the Respawn Device. The only way Team Fortress would ever experience true death was if the respawner was damaged beyond any form of repair, but that was a very slim possibility to begin with. Not only was the device kept in the deepest, most secure area of the Fortress, but it also had three of the smartest people on the world to help manage it. Anything less than total nuclear annihilation, the Respawn Device could come back from. Therefore, the mercenaries treated their death very much like how the Gems treated regeneration periods; inconsequential at best, and a minor annoyance at worst.

However, this did not make them insensitive to the concept of true death; a death that one cannot come back from. If anything it made them more sensitive to it. True, _they_ were incredibly tough to kill, but other humans were not; most humans were actually very fragile. This might not have been a problem for the mercenaries-they did kill people for a living, and everyone they were really close to was just as difficult to kill as themselves-had it not been for a single human.

Greg Universe was the catalyst that set many events into motion, not the least of which was the birth of Steven Universe, a boy that they all love and care for deeply (despite how Scout tries to deny it). After he tore down the chain link fence that kept the Gems' home separate from the rest of Beach City, the residents were drawn to the strange statue and its inhabitants. In a different life, the Gems may have continued to alienate themselves from humanity; with the obvious exception of their human-centric leader. However, the addition of several humans to their lineup made evasion no longer possible. The mercenaries served as a type of bridge between Gems and humans. They already were pretty good friends with the Gems, but it didn't sound so bad to actually get to speak with other humans from time to time. As a result, the Gems were a bit more integrated into human society and weren't quite as elusive as strange as they may have been.

Of course, this also had the unintended effect of having the mercenaries confront their nigh immortality once again. It was different than the times the mercenaries lost their families (those who had families anyway); many of them were only children, or in Scout's case the youngest sibling, so they already knew they would outlive their loved ones under normal circumstances. But seeing children and teenagers grow into full adults while they remained the same put death into perspective for the mercenaries. It was even worse when Rose Quartz made her decision to sacrifice herself to bring a child into this world. The declaration was unexpected, yet not unable to be dealt with; the mercenaries were actually faster to accept her decision than the Gems were.

Then Greg had his accident, and the mercenaries were hit with a sudden realization; _that could happen to Steven_.

Steven wasn't a full Gem, so it was impossible to determine if he could regenerate should his body suffer too much trauma. Similarly, since he wasn't a full human, the mercenaries couldn't program his DNA into the Respawn Device should the worst come to pass-even if they could, the device wasn't guaranteed to work outside of the nine individuals it was originally designed for.

Accidents happen all the time, and while the mercenaries were better at avoiding the more normal incidents, their battlefields were wrought with hundreds of conditions where death would be an unavoidable outcome. The mercenaries treated their deaths as an inconvenience, but to Steven, death would be permanent.

Realizing this, Team Fortress flat-out stated that Steven was not allowed to come on operations regarding robotic invasions. Unlike most fights with Gems monsters which only one or a very few amount of creatures to keep track of, Gray sent in robots by the _hundreds_. It would be impossible to keep track of every danger to Steven in the middle of a battle; enemy Snipers and Spies were only the two most dangerous with their ability to attack from long range/sneak up undetected.

They had gotten lucky at the Spire by encountering only a small scouting force, but what if Gray were to send a complete invasion complement during the middle of a routine mission? It had happened before; it'd be stupid to think it wouldn't happen again.

Engineer had said as much to Medic, "So, in the interest of keeping Steven out of harm's way, everyone is going to carry a one-man teleporter from now on. Since they default to the teleporter at home, all ya have to do is open this latch," The Texan indicated a small metal hitch on his toolbox, "And wait till the thing sets itself up. Then we just toss Steven onto the thing and blow it up once he's through to make sure nothing follows him. Make sense?"

Medic, propping his chin up in thought, nods in understanding, "It's a very good concept and an excellent escape plan should a mission end up sidevays…" The doctor looks at the toolkit in his arms with an expression of thoughtfulness, "Out of curiosity, can zhese be programmed to teleport to different locations?"

"Absolutely. The things just default to home so we can focus on fighting rather than setting them up. Heck, we can use them as a destination once they're built; they just need to be configured properly. In truth, we can probably use them a dozen different ways, but I mainly just thought that they'd act as a way to keep Steven safe."

"And vhat an excellent idea it is," Medic comments with a genuine smile, "Very vell zhen, I'll keep zhis on me just in case. I assume you're handing zhem out to everyone else?"

"Yup; I'll even give one to Pearl. She can probably keep it in her gem or somethin'," Engineer turns to exit the doctor's room when he suddenly stops and gives Medic a look, "Ya aren't gonna just stay in here and keep messing with that thing, are ya?"

Medic makes a groan of frustration as he places the packed-up teleporter in his bag, "Nein, I vill take a short break from zhis project if it makes you feel better," The doctor stands up from his chair, stretches for a moment, and then dusts himself off, "I understand zhat zhe beach house may be running low on food; perhaps I vill go to zhe grocery store and get some."

Engineer smirks as he turns to head back out the door, "Just don't go buggin' the butcher for spare animal parts. I think ya scared the last guy out of his job with your enthusiasm."

"Zhat vas _one time_!"

Engineer laughed at the doctor's indignant squawk and hopped onto the teleporter, heading to his next destination.

* * *

The Texan flashed into existence outside of another closed door. After taking a moment to straighten his protective headgear he approaches the door and presses the doorbell.

"Scout, if that's you again, I will personally send you to respawn and tell Steven that you fell off a bridge like the idiot you are."

Engineer, laughed at Spy's annoyed tone of voice, "Guess it's a good thing that I ain't Scout then, just your friendly resident Engineer with a delivery."

For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then Spy spoke up again, "Well, at least you're marginally less annoying than that fool. Come in."

The door slid apart almost silently and Engineer marched his way into the Frenchman's room, still amused at Spy's irritability.

Just like the resident it housed, Spy's room was very high-maintenance. Intricately carved mahogany posts were attached to the walls, which were covered in a beautiful gold leaf and vine pattern on a full-red background. Facsimile gas lamps were affixed to the walls in a sense that they didn't take away from the artistic style, and the low, dim light they exuded actually added to it. There were plenty of bookshelves placed against the various walls containing a rather wide array of impressive and thought-provoking literature; everything from philosophy to culture. Being perhaps a bit more indulgent than his teammates, Spy had commissioned Engineer to install a fireplace in his room-it seemed somewhat paradoxical given how the Frenchman absolutely despised flames, but the marble brazier certainly completed the room. The heat and light it gave off complemented the otherwise low-lighting of the chamber. Of course, the smell of freshly-burned wood-and to a greater degree, cigarette smoke-was nullified by the high-tech air filters and scent negation devices Engineer had created. Without them, the smell of smoke and ash would be absolutely overpowering to anyone who ventured into the room.

Except perhaps Pyro; the firebug would probably enjoy it.

Spy had two wardrobes; one to contain his many suits, cosmetics, and stylish headwear, and a second, smaller one that held the espionage expert's various weapons and disguise kits. Unlike most everyone else, Spy kept his weapons and clothing in different containers. The Frenchman had explained that he already had devised a system for his tools and that he didn't want to disrupt it, but Engineer had always suspected that it was simply because Spy needed to maintain his Sappers more rigorously than most other equipment.

The last time the Sappers had gone too long without regular maintenance…well, that had been an interesting couple weeks, even by Team Fortress standards. It was lucky that RED and BLU managed to work out their differences until those robots were destroyed. Engineer still had no idea how two metallic life-forms were able to reproduce through intercourse…

Anyways, moving swiftly on; Spy's bed, just like the rest of his room, was very posh. A four-poster king-sized with blinds that could be drawn around the furniture in a moment's notice. Lush, billowy comforters and silk sheets decorated the memory-foam mattress. It was easily the most visually appealing part of the room, which was both odd and extremely unsettling when one realized that Spy was a master of seduction.

Best not to think too deeply about that.

A small liquor cabinet was set against the wall directly opposite the fireplace containing various types of wine, scotch, and other alcoholic beverages. Lined up in perfect order, Engineer quickly deduced that one was missing. A cursory glance to the fireplace revealed its current position. At a respectable distance from the fire Spy sat in a large, rotating chair that faced the flames. Next to the right armrest, a small table sat holding an ashtray and a half-empty bottle of liquor. From where Engineer stood, he could see only the Frenchman's extended arm as he held out a small glass and swirled the drink around lazily. Soon though, Spy turned his chair around to look at the door and took a small sip of his drink.

"Forgive my earlier outburst," Spy said, looking not-at-all apologetic, "Scout has been repeatedly bothering me for some of my spare disguise kits for at least the past few hours. I was more than ready to shoot the fool in his leg if he had turned up yet again. The only reason I didn't was because he would get blood all over the carpet."

Engineer smiled despite himself, "That ought to drive anyone nuts, given enough time. Did he say why he needed them?"

"Only that they would be used in a sort of surprise for Steven…I believe he mentioned that they would be used in some type of game," Spy took a drag from his cigarette as he recounted the memory, "Truthfully, I was more than willing to offer him a few spares, once I was certain that they were in working order, but apparently he can't remain still for more than ten seconds."

"Of course he can't, you know how he is."

"I am aware. I suppose hoping that age would mellow him out was a foolish belief…"

Engineer chuckled as he walked over to the espionage expert, "Hell, I gave up in the 1990's; Medic stopped even earlier than that."

"Weak-willed cowards, the lot of you," Spy said teasingly, giving the Texan a wry grin as he approached, "Anyways, Scout won't be getting the kits for another day; maybe longer until he finally gives up."

"Well, if nothing else, I can appreciate your willingness to try and force some manners into him, though I question your effectiveness."

Spy shrugged, "At least the wait is bothering him. I only hope that he doesn't get the idea to have Amethyst force her way in; I recall hearing that the two are collaborating on this project, and Amethyst may be worse when it comes to being patient," Spy set his glass of liquor down and snuffed out the residual flame on his spent cigarette. The Frenchman then turned to Engineer, "But enough about me, what brings you to my humble abode?"

Engineer looked around and scoffed, "Humble? Spy, I helped build this place for you; of everyone, your room took the longest to finish."

"And you never seem to shut up about it, so we're even. Now what do you want?"

Chuckling under his breath, the Texan teleported in another toolkit and gave it to Spy, explaining the purpose of the device when the Frenchman gave him a quizzical look. By the end, Spy seemed to be in thought and nodded along with Engineer's words.

"A capital idea," Spy said as he clutched the red tookit, "Honestly, we probably should have devised a system like this sooner, given how enthusiastic Steven has been as of late."

"Yeah…" Engineer said, scratching the back of his neck, "I guess it just never occurred to us even if we were trying our best to keep missions safe for Steven. But we have a plan of escape now, so no need to worry about it."

Spy nodded, "Very well; I'll keep ahold of this until the need arises," The Frenchman leaned to the side and placed the inactive teleporter on the floor next to his chair, "Was there anything else you needed?"

"Nah, that'll be all. Good luck in trying to relax with Scout bugging you."

Spy gave a slight wave to the Texan as he left his room and waited until the automatic door had shut before turning back to the fireplace. Spy lit another cigarette and took a quick puff, exhaling contently as he watched the smoke drift in the air. He opened the book he had been reading-until Engineer arrived-and found his position.

*BANG BANG BANG*

"YO FRENCHIE! OPEN UP!"

Scowling as deeply as possible, Spy set his book aside with as much care as his current fury would allow and pinched the bridge of his nose, " _Merde…_ "

"Did he hear you?" Scout 'whispered' to Amethyst from behind the door.

"Dunno; lemme check."

*BANGBANGBANGBANG*

"SPY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!"

"YES I CAN VERY WELL HEAR YOU! There is a doorbell _right on the wall!_ Why are you pounding on the door?!"

"It's more annoying this way!" *BANG*

Spy let out a stream of violent curses; their effect lost on Scout and Amethyst since neither spoke French.

* * *

Sniper hummed to himself as he sharpened one of his many knives in a Mann Co. ion-edged sharpener, a device that promised to sharpen your blade to peak efficiency in less than ten seconds!

Like everything from their previous company, the device had at first been less-than-amazing in its performance-oh, it sharpened the blade alright, but it took longer than ten seconds to get the full benefit, and even then the blade was usually prone to shattering due to how thin the metal now was. Of course, Engineer managed to fix up the device so that it now _literally_ edged the blade with ionic energy, allowing any sharpened blade to penetrate almost any substance. Sniper's knives were now extremely deadly-maybe not as powerful as some of the magical/cursed/high-tech weapons Pearl, Demo, Soldier and Pyro used, but vicious nonetheless. While the Australian was more than proficient in ranged combat and preferred to sit in the background, there was nothing quite like shoving a sharpened, foot-and-a-half long blade through the chest of a nosy Spy.

Hell, they were great for carving up his hunting trophies as well.

Sniper, having grown used to living in his van and adapting to close quarters, didn't really have a particularly large abode. It was actually the smallest of the mercenaries' personal quarters and one of the smaller rooms in the Fortress. That being said, Sniper didn't let any of that small space go to waste.

Almost every square inch of the pseudo wooden walls were covered up by one of the marksman's many hunting trophies. Pelts, heads, horns and feathers; it was a taxidermist's wet dream. The floor was covered in various animal-skin rugs that had been treated to perfection, so as to not allow them to decay. Sniper's bed was also covered in a mishmash of fur blankets, somehow managing to come together in an interesting pattern. The few lamps bolted to the ceiling had custom-made bulbs that cut down on the fading effect light usually had on its environment. As a result, almost every trophy Sniper had looked as colorful and lifelike as the day he had first hunted them down. The most recent of which was a hollowed-out star-patterned egg perched up on an ornate, wooden pedestal. Near his bed stood his wardrobe with such a large size that it effectively doubled as his weapons case.

Other than that, there was little else decorating the Australian's quarters. He had no books, no personal computers (aside from his phone, but every mercenary had one so they didn't really count) and no television in his room. This suited Sniper just fine; when bored and not carving out any recent trophies, the marksman usually spent his time down in the firing range in order to keep his skills sharp. He mostly liked to practice alone and yet he wasn't completely opposed to carrying on a conversation with his teammates on occasion.

Except of course when that teammate happened to be Soldier, but that was an entirely different set of circumstances on its own.

Currently though, Sniper was more than content to merely spend a couple hours out of the day sharpening his many knives and reloading his rifles. The Australian withdrew his blade from the ion sharpener-careful to not touch the metal itself as the blade was very hot-and inspected the edge. Seeing no imperfections in the whetted blade, Sniper nodded in satisfaction and set the weapon aside to cool. He had just set his next knife in place when he heard the doorbell ring.

Not _quite_ as reclusive as he once was, the marksman only spent a second or two internally debating whether or not he should pretend to not be at home before finally shrugging. Whoever it was, they couldn't be _too_ annoying, right? "Come in."

Registering a command, the voice-activated lock undid itself and opened the door to Sniper's room. The Australian placed his weapon into the sharpener before turning to see who it was at the entrance.

"Hey there stretch, how's it going?"

Oh good; Engineer wasn't liable to pester him for something. Sniper turned back to his knife and carefully watched as the blade was sharpened, "Just fine, I'm taking take of my weapons today. What's up, truckie?"

The resident inventor moved to stand by Sniper's side holding one of his toolkits in his grasp; "I'm giving everyone one of my teleporters for future missions."

"…Okay, why?"

Engineer explained why. Sniper agreed.

"Makes sense," The Australian said, withdrawing his knife once it was finished sharpening, "I'd hate for the little guy to get hurt from one of those knock-offs."

"So, you'll carry it?"

"'Course I will, what do ya take me for?"

Engineer held up his hands in mock surrender, a smile playing on his face, "Hey now, just making sure. You know that you can sometimes forget stuff in a hurry."

"What? I've never-"

"Coaltown, 1970."

Sniper's face went from befuddled indignation to hardened anger. He looked at Engineer out from the top of his ever-present shades and _glared_ at him.

"I thought we agreed to never speak about that ever again, mate."

Engineer chuckled, slowly inching his way to the exit, "Did we? I'm sorry, I guess I _forgot_."

"Truckie…"

"Kinda like how you forgot your rifle during that robot attack and had to use your bow. But it wasn't quite as effective, was it?"

"I'm warning you-"

"I think you set a world record for most deaths that day; how many was it? Thirty-six? Didn't you just snap at one point and start throwing your Jarate around like-"

Almost quicker than the eye could track, the Australian grabbed one of his nearby knives and pitched it at the Engineer. Flying blade-over-handle, the weapon impacted the wall just over the Texan's head and stuck fast, quivering. Knowing full well that Sniper could've hit him if he wanted to, Engineer smirked and beat a hasty retreat to the teleporter. He warped away before the door to Sniper's room shut.

Sniffing in indignation Sniper bent back down and attempted to resume sharpening his weapons, but his mood was far too soured to remain focused for long. Memories of a ridiculous amount of Spybots coming behind him while he was in the thick of battle…the Australian grimaced. He then stomped over to his weapons cabinet and withdrew one of his many rifles, eager to head to the firing range and work out some of his frustrations. As he prepared to load his Machina, the marksman's gaze drifted over to his high-tech compound bow.

Rolling an idea around in his head, the Australian finally said 'what the hell' and took out his bow and quiver. Sniper knocked an arrow as he headed towards the teleporter in his room. After a brief moment the marksman warped to the team's firing range and set the holograms to 'Robot Invasion'.

He then proceeded to beat his previous high score on the machine, scoring headshots on every simulated enemy robot. However, for some reason every Spybot was killed not with a headshot, but rather multiple arrows to their knees.

Sniper grinned maliciously as he watched the holograms simulate feeble, pained crawling, trying to escape him and enter cloak.

"Not so tough now, are ya; ya WANKERS."

* _twang_ *

" _AUUUUUUGH!_ "

* * *

Engineer pressed the doorbell on the wall just outside Heavy's quarters. Seconds later, the door slid open and a noncommittal grunt greeted him as he entered the well-lit, concrete-walled room.

The Russian's room was…strangely befitting a man of his stature. It was certainly larger than any of the other mercenaries' rooms, but more sparingly furnished. Most of the living space was occupied with various kinds of exercise equipment (most of it related to building muscle-mass). The rest had been filled by many different books of Russian literature, large stockpiles of miniguns and ammo, and a small kitchenette with an attached refrigerator. Obviously the Russian had commissioned it as the bear of a man very much enjoyed making food. In fact, Heavy made some of the hands-down BEST food any of the mercenaries or Gems ever partook of; not entirely surprising as the man had somehow managed to create a sandwich that actively healed wounds when consumed. Heavy was only rivaled by Pyro in means of cooking skill, and that was mostly with regards to meals that took a long time to broil and foods that were particularly spicy. Both Demo and Engie were fairly adept cooks themselves, with the former being slightly better than the latter, yet each conceded to an assistant-chef role when Pyro and/or Heavy were in the kitchen.

In any case, a plate of Sandvich-bites (Sandviches cut up into bite-sized pieces for when one felt like a quick snack instead of a full-health boost) was set upon the wooden counter looking so far undisturbed. Next to the kitchenette was a small desk that held a computer monitor and a keyboard sized up to accommodate Heavy's rather large fingers. At the far end of the room was Heavy's bed-again, scaled to the Russian's impressive size-which was covered in red-and-gold sheets that signified Heavy's begrudging respect, while not exactly admiration, of the old Soviet Union's Communist system. Next to the bed was a medium-sized pink crib that cradled Shasha in its comforting embrace. While Heavy had eventually overcome his…er… _interesting_ relationship with his main weapon, the Russian felt as though keeping the minigun in anything but its (her?) old crib would be wrong, and serve as an injustice to the gun's many years of dedicated service. So Shasha got to keep her crib.

The weapon's owner was currently in a corner of the room, beating the absolute tar out of a large punching bag pieced together from various parts of Gray robots with his bare fists. Most rational human beings wouldn't think twice about _not_ using a ramshackle, metal punching bag as a means of training with their naked fists; one well-aimed (or poorly-aimed) punch would shatter every bone in their hand from the Distal Phalanges to the Carpals.

Of course, the mercenaries were not 'most people'. In fact, early into Gray's invasion, Heavy had actually been known to just charge into robot waves equipped with nothing but his KGB and an occasional canteen. The Russian had then proceeded to lay waste to entire invasion forces with a constant source of critically-charged punches. Gray had understandably been upset at this development. Demo had felt as though the Russian was stealing his title for the most effective melee combatant amongst the mercenaries.

Heavy attacked his metal target with a quick ten-punch combo with every strike coming in from a different angle and with varying degrees of force. The Russian then leaned away from his punching bag and pulled his fist back, getting maximum torque and momentum on his next blow. With a vicious cry, Heavy threw himself into his next punch and hit the metallic amalgam with a crushing haymaker so strong it caused the constituent parts of the bag to collapse on itself.

The bag then whipped back on its chain so hard it snapped and flew free from its prison, slamming into the opposite wall with a horrid sound of scraping and creaking metal before sliding down to rest in a heap on the floor.

It then exploded into various fragments that went flying in every direction, though somehow each fragment missed hitting something important.

The main body of the wreck then somehow spontaneously combusted, catching fire almost immediately.

…

As you do.

Engineer stared at the smoldering wreck of a custom punching bag for a few moments before turning to Heavy-who was wiping his brow with the towel he had wrapped around his neck-and quirking an eyebrow in confusion.

"I thought you could only do that with your Apoco-Fists." Engineer asked the Russian.

"It happens sometimes," Heavy answered after toweling himself off, not looking very fatigued at all, "Cannot control it. But is rare, and still only works on dead or destroyed babies. Do not worry."

Engineer shrugged, accepting Heavy's brief explanation of not knowing why his punches somehow made things randomly blow up and catch fire.

"Come," Heavy said, waving Engineer over to the counter where his Sandvich-bites sat and picking up one himself, "Tell me what is wrong over Sandviches."

"Oh, nothing's wrong, Heavy," Engineer said as he meandered over to the counter where the Russian had just tossed three mini-Sandviches into his mouth, chewing with his more characteristic 'OM-NOM-NOM' since Pearl wasn't around to be offended, "Just doin' a little…I guess you can say 'preventative' work for future missions." The Texan picked up one of the bite-sized treats and popped it into his mouth, chewing a bit more tactfully than his companion.

Heavy swallowed-a sound that Engineer was certain would have reverberated around the entire level of the Fortress were it not for the soundproofed walls, "Then…what is it you are working on?"

Between the five-or-six Sandvich-bites he indulged himself in, Engineer regaled to Heavy his emergency plan to get Steven out of danger should a particular mission end up more dangerous than expected. By the time he had finished explaining, the plate had been emptied of Sandviches and Heavy was pondering the inventor's plan.

After a few moments of nothing being said, Engineer began to grow a bit antsy at Heavy's thoughtful expression, "So, uh…what'dya think?"

Heavy continued to tap his chin for a little longer before looking back down at Engineer. The Russian crossed his arms and grinned at the Texan, "Is best idea," Heavy rumbled, "Considering Steven is not a fighter like us."

Engineer smirked, "You mean not yet, right?"

Heavy laughed, "Of course! Steven is small, but has very much potential for good warrior!" The Russian tapped his chin in thought, "Maybe we should up his training…"

Engineer seemed quizzical for a moment, "Really? I mean, we're already pushing him pretty hard with his exercises, but if you think that-"

"I do not mean exercises. I mean weapons training."

The Texan stared at Heavy for a moment, "You're talking about training him to use guns."

Heavy grunted as he shrugged his shoulders, "He is too small to hold swords or fight with fists, and too squishy for close-combat. He does not yet have his Gem powers, but he needs to be able to protect himself."

"And we already taught him how to shoot a while ago…" Engineer mused to himself for a few moments. In his mind the Texan was trying to picture Steven shooting a robot or Gem monster with any form of weapon. Something just seemed…wrong about that image.

"Are you sure we should be teaching the little guy how to kill people? I don't think he's the type of person who can do that."

Heavy shook his head, "Nor do I, but he should still know how to use weapons just in case. Teach him to aim for arms and legs; not lethal, yet they can slow enemies. Besides, we will be fighting more robots and monsters than actual people."

Engineer had to concede that point; shooting a robot to pieces wasn't as gory or mentally scarring (not that he would know) as shooting a person. Gem monsters didn't even count, seeing as how even the more 'tame' creatures barely resembled anything remotely human. The Texan had a hard time believing that Steven would be emotionally and/or psychologically damaged if he were to take down a robot or a Gem monster.

In fact, now that Engineer was thinking about it, the last time he had actually shot a living _person_ was a little over a year ago (non-fatal wounds notwithstanding), and that wasn't even during a mission.

And if Engineer was being honest with himself, he felt a bit of pride well up in his chest whenever Steven performed well in the shooting range. He had only even taught the half-Gem to use a simple, lightweight pistol, and despite a few early learning bumps, (and Pearl's vehement denial that Steven should ever learn to use something so barbaric and volatile) Steven was fairly proficient with his weapon. Lessons were on-again, off-again, and took a bit of a backseat to the Gem's own teachings, but Steven had learned to be a fairly proficient gunslinger in due time.

Engineer found himself nodding to Heavy's suggestion as he mulled over these thoughts, "Alright, fine, we'll up his shooting lessons, but only with pistols."

Heavy grunted, "Steven is too small to hold bigger guns anyway," The bear of a man picked up Engineer's unpacked teleporter from the counter and walked over to his wardrobe, "I will carry teleporter for emergencies, do not worry."

"I don't _worry_ , I _plan_ ," Engineer rebutted Heavy's comment with a smirk before turning around to exit the Russian's abode. He made it halfway to the door before looking back at the (now burnt out) wreck of a punching bag, "Hey, uh…do ya want me to piece together another punching bag for ya?"

"Please," Heavy said as he rummaged around in his wardrobe, finally picking out his pack when he found it, "If it's not too much trouble, make it tougher. Can't practice if the baby-robots break too easily."

"Heavy, your punches make things _explode_."

The Russian turned and gave Engineer a strange look, "…Yes. Your point?"

Engineer stared at Heavy for a few more minutes before shrugging and turning to the exit once more, "No reason; I'll think of something."

He stepped onto the charging teleporter outside and disappeared in a flash of light.

Heavy, after placing the teleporter in his bag and setting it back in his wardrobe, stepped over to his bed and sat on it. Opening his nightstand, he withdrew a set of glasses and a mildly-thick book with a series of Russian characters on the cover. The Russian placed his reading glasses on his face with care, flicked on a nearby lamp, and opened to the bookmarked page in his tome. Heavy sighed as he resumed reading, "This is nice."

…

What? He may be a vicious, nearly-unhinged juggernaut on the battlefield, but he _does_ have a PhD in Russian literature. Of course he has a bit of culture, perhaps more so than most of the other mercenaries.

* * *

To say that Engineer was not surprised to find Demoman nursing a bottle when he entered the Scotsman's room would be like saying that an Arctic researcher would not be surprised to find at least two feet of snow outside his door in the morning. It was something that both individuals knew would happen, but it nonetheless irritated them even if they had dealt with it a hundred times before.

Deciding to forgo any response, Engineer stood in the middle of Demo's room on a Scottish rug watching the cyclops down one of his bottles of Scrumpy on his plaid couch. It took a little while (and by a little while I mean the exact amount of time it takes one to down an entire bottle of booze) but Demoman eventually exited his bottle and turned to look at Engineer, "What?".

Wordlessly, and somehow with a set of goggles covering his eyes, Engineer crossed his arms and gave Demo a look that screamed 'Really?'.

Demo rolled his eye and set down his empty bottle next to two of its brothers, "Relax, ye blockhead. I'm only a bit tipsy."

On the 'Degroot Scale of Drunkenness', 'Tipsy' was roughly equivalent to 'Completely Shitfaced' on any sane person's blood-alcohol level. Of course, the Degroot family was world-renown for their incredible resistant to toxins-alcohol in particular. That natural resistance was put to the test with the amount of drinking Demoman did on a daily basis during the 1900's, and several times it failed the Scotsman. Eventually though, Demo became all but immune to rising blood-alcohol levels and could keep going beyond the point that would spell death for any normal human. This made it more of a chore for the demolitions expert to get drunk, but allowed him to enjoy a much wider range of drinks before even coming close to passing out. Even better, Demoman's high resistance allowed his body to flush alcohol much faster than normal-so long as he stopped drinking for a while-and removed those pesky hangovers the cyclops had to deal with in the past.

Sighing a bit, Engineer used his not-unremarkable willpower to mentally set this issue aside, "Okay fine, just don't be around Steven until you're completely sober again. I can smell the alcohol on your breath from here."

Demo barked a loud laugh as he looked at Engineer, "That's a compliment ta me! Now what brings ya down here?"

Engineer set himself down on the well-made couch next to Demoman before explaining his plan, taking only a split second to look around the room for any obvious signs of damage.

Luckily, Demoman appeared to have not damaged anything in his room. Due to the Scotsman having some more rustic tastes than his comrades, mostly owing to the fact that he had grown up in a literal castle, his room was a bit rougher than his teammates. For one, the walls of his room were made to resemble cemented cobblestone with a few iron torch braziers providing a soft orange glow. Not stupid enough to let Demoman around an open flame, Engineer had built the torches to be completely electronic. Which was great, because Demo had used most of the wallspace to hang up his many swords, axes, clubs, polearms and shields; most of which had a wooden component and were liable to catch on fire. Various rugs and ornaments of Scottish style were strewn about the room in an (admittedly artistic) fashion, adding to the sense of 'medieval' one had upon entering the explosive expert's room. Demo's wooden wardrobe had the Degroot family crest on top of the double-doors, giving it a bit of flair. Demoman's bed (used equally as often as his favorite couch) was expertly carved from rich wood and adorned with the finest plaid covers the cyclops could find. At the head of his bed, Demoman had tied two of his Scotsman's Skullcutters to the wall-one crossed over the other in an 'x', and placed one of his many Chargin' Targes at the crosspoint. Though Demoman was still apt to using his wide array of melee weapons in combat, he had definitely acknowledged that his shields needed to be upgraded. After Engineer had given him a set that was far more effective, Demo had treated his older shields as antiques, treating them with a fair amount of care and delicacy one would usually reserve for priceless artifacts.

The Scotsman declined to having any of his explosives in his room, saying that 'only a complete git sleeps in the same room as his munitions, ya daft idjit'.

The couch Demo and Engie were both currently seated in was placed in front of a large, blazing fireplace (well contained and not as free as torches might be) that crackled pleasantly and warmly just below a large, flat screen television. Onscreen now was an episode of the long-lasting, engaging, but sometimes disappointing Sport of Crowns; a bit controversial yet highly entertaining series. Demo had paused the video when Engineer walked in.

The only remaining article in the room was the absolutely absurd amount of liquor cabinets, over half of which were 2/3rd's empty. If nothing else, Engineer could take solace in the fact that Demo was a connoisseur (of sorts) for alcohol; he stocked only the finest brews he could find. Though, in the state that he usually drank them, they could've tasted like something Amethyst might make and he'd still down them no problem. However, if one of the mercenaries (or Amethyst) needed a specific brew to make their shitty day better, Demoman was a master bartender and knew just what each of his teammates needed.

But that was neither here nor there.

The Scotsman listened intently to Engineer's explanation to the purpose of his visit, as well as to handing the explosive expert a teleportation toolkit, "…and, in the worst case scenario, we'll be able to get Steven to safety in a moment's notice."

Demo nodded along with Engie's words, looking surprisingly serious and sober for a man who had just drank as much as he had-even by Degroot standards.

"Alrigh'…I see what yer getting' at," Demo said at length after staring into space for a few moments, "But-er, most'a the stuff I make usually blows something _else_ up. Yer sure that ya want me carting one'a these things around?"

"Better to be safe than sorry, Demo. And I highly doubt that you'll be able to damage the teleporter when its packed up like this," Engineer said as he knocked on his toolbox, "I built these things to be pretty damn resilient."

"Right…well, guess I better go take care o' this thing then," Demo got up from his position on the couch, taking his teleporter with him over to his wardrobe, "Ey, while yer here, help yourself to any o' me brews. 'Scept the Scrumpy; that's mine."

Engineer arched an eyebrow before beholding the sea of alcoholic bottles in front of him, trying to find one that might appeal to him. He usually preferred a nice, simple beer. Finding one that he thought he might like, the Texan picked out one bottle from the rest and held it up, "Demo, if I didn't know any better, I'd be thinking that you're getting drunk just for a TV show…"

"Aye, I am."

Engineer turned to the cyclops with a confused expression, "…Why would you do that?"

"Oi, I don't know about you-oh, there ya are ye bastard-but getting drunk _really_ helps me understand the storyline."

"I thought you only watched it to make fun of the sword fights?"

"It _started_ like that," Demoman said as he withdrew from his wardrobe after putting the toolkit away, "But the damn show started sucking me in! Now I actually _care_ about some of the characters, even if they prance around like fairy princesses in the ring. Half o' em just wave their damn swords around like they don't even know what they're doin'!"

"They're actors, Demo, it's called embellishing. Making it dramatic for the viewers?"

"Bah," The Scottish swordsman said with a dismissive wave of his hand, " _Real_ swordfighting is much more dramatic than the crap they pull there. Am I right, 'lander?"

That last comment was directed to the sheathed blade on Demoman's couch, which let out a muffled, but positive-sounding whisper of ' _heaaadss'_ after a moment. Demo turned to Engineer with a triumphant look.

"See? The sword agrees with me!"

"If you say so," Engineer shrugged. He then tucked the bottle of imported beer into his bag and started towards the exit, "Well, I'll leave ya to your show then, Demo. Try not to get too drunk."

"There's no such thing for a Degroot!" Demo laughed uproariously as he popped the cap off another bottle. He indulged himself in his brew after Engineer had left and started playing the episode on his television once again. About thirty seconds in, Demo groaned audibly.

"Ye daft blighters, it's _obviously_ the midget that's the traitor! It's _always_ the little ones…"

* * *

Engineer took a deep breath as he stared at his next teammate's door. He had been standing there for the past five or six minutes, debating internally if he should just come back later or try to find Pyro at a different time.

Really, entering Pyro's room was like flipping a coin; you either saw something so mentally scarring you'd have to ask Medic to lobotomize you in order to forget it, or you didn't.

Engineer was _not_ a fan of those chances, especially since that had actually happened to him once or twice. At least he thought so; it was kind of hard to remember…

Just deciding to bite the bullet, Engineer stepped forward and pressed the doorbell, signaling his presence to anyone inside. For a few seconds nothing happened. Then, just as Engineer began to think that nobody was home, the metal door spilt apart to admit entry. With a mild amount of reluctance, Engineer walked into the quarters of the most mentally unstable member of Team Fortress.

In the most simple of terms, Pyro's room was…schizophrenic. While not exactly surprising if you knew the behavior and mannerisms of the occupant, the design and layout of the room-which was split into two halves-seemed like something out of a horror movie. Both sides were equally unsettling on their own, but the creepiness factor skyrocketed when placed together.

Honestly, it perfectly suited the masked mumbler's disposition.

The left side of the room was more unsettling than just straight-up terrifying, yet it seemed to do its job very well. The walls, ceiling and floor were all painted in a bright rainbow of colors that hurt one's eyes if they stared directly at it for too long. Candy, flowers, cotton-clouds, presents, golden musical instruments, rainbows, pink unicorns, pink fluffy unicorns, pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows-all of this and more was inscribed with an impressive degree of detail on the concrete walls and ceiling of the left side of Pyro's room. Scattered haphazardly around the floor was a myriad of stuffed animals, balloons, bowels of candy and large foam toys. Pressed against the left wall was a pink-and-white wardrobe with gold accents. Bright light shined from the three pink balloonicorn lamps attached to the wall. In truth, it seemed just as likely that this room would belong to a young girl as it would to a deranged serial killer. Pyro counted for at least one of those (the first was still up in the air).

The right side of the room, however, seemed like something straight out of DOOM. Technically speaking, it was a perfect mirror of the left side of the room, but had one major difference.

EVERYTHING was either on fire, or had very clearly been on fire at some point.

The walls, floor and ceiling were all blacked with heavy amounts of soot and fire damage-it presumably would have been worse had Engineer not constructed every room out of self-repairing materials. The murals were still on the wall, while still there, were melted and chipped away due to the heavy heat and flames Pyro had likely sprayed around at its leisure. Now the murals looked like twisted and perverted caricatures of their original design. On the floor, the many piles of goodies were still there, but anything that was flammable had at least been partially smoldered; the stuffed animals in particular. All of the foam toys had been replaced with real weapons like fire axes, flamethrowers or shotguns. The bright balloonicorn lights were replaced with dark iron braziers that blazed with _real_ fire.

And the worst part about this? The room was split right down the middle into two completely equal halves; there was clearly a line where the bright and happy met the dark and scary and it looked as though Pyro had taken extreme care in making sure that neither side crossed that line. Even the firebug's bed was split; the left half of the frame was gold-painted and had bright pink sheets and covers. The right side of the frame was a soot-covered black and the sheets were torn and tattered.

If there was ever a statement to one's polarity, this was it in a nutshell. Despite how close of a bond Pyro and Engineer had, the Texan was still very unsettled to enter Pyro's room. Seeing how Pyro saw the world through the Pyrovision™ goggles only made the experience stranger.

Half expecting to see Pyro setting some random creature on fire, or viciously dismembering an unfortunate bear (it happened far more often than it should), Engineer was pleasantly surprised to see Pyro seated on the floor rather close to a medium-sized flat screen television on the bright and happy left side of the room. Looking at the way Pyro was sitting so relaxed and laid-back, it would be easy to think that the firebug had the mind of a child. It continued to stare at the screen for a few moments before finally turning to the door and noticing Engineer. It raised its hand and waved to Engineer with a friendly "Hhroh!" before setting its hand back in its lap and turning to the television once more.

Engineer walked over to where the firebug was relaxing and settled down in a crouch next to it, "Hey Pyro, what's up?"

"Nnt mmch," Pyro mumbled as it shrugged its shoulders, "Wwttchnn Strrr Trrrk." It pointed to the screen, which showed a bald man in some type of futuristic chair (poorly rendered, Engineer privately thought) with various people walking around or working; some with a rather large amount of makeup to have them look like aliens.

Given how the Texan spent most of his time around _actual_ aliens, the irony was not lost on him. Engineer turned back to Pyro, "Oh, am I interruptin' somethin'? I could come back later-"

"Nnno, tts fffnn," The pyromaniac picked up a nearby remote and paused the video before looking up at Engineer with its big, empty goggles, "Whht sss ttt?"

Taking another deep breath to prepare himself, Engineer warped in yet another toolkit and launched into his long winded explanation for an emergency escape for Steven. In truth, Engineer was about as frightened of Steven getting seriously hurt on a mission as he was of how Pyro would react to Steven getting hurt. Despite how dangerous Pyro was, the firebug was unlikely to take personal offense to any comments or insults it received. There were really only two ways to get Pyro truly angry; attempt to get it to completely stop setting fires, or hurt a member of its family. From early on, Team Fortress had clearly realized that Pyro was the most affectionate member of their team; always happy to lend a hand keeping enemy Spies away, airblasting would-be deadly projectiles and putting out any ignited allies. Given how Pyro seemed to be a literal punching bag with the way it just shrugged off any insults from its teammates and enemies, the firebug was an ideal ally despite its creepy disposition. Engineer was the first to grow a bit closer to Pyro, since the two's talents complimented each other so well.

During a particularly difficult defense of Upward, an enemy Spy made the mistake of killing Engineer where Pyro could see him taunting over the Texan's corpse. Then, both teams realized just how dangerous the masked menace was.

Pyro was, and still is, INCREDIBLY vindictive. For the remainder of that Upward battle Pyro was an unstoppable force of hellfire and destruction bent on utterly decimating the enemy Spy. No matter how many times the BLUs killed it, Pyro always took a couple with them to the grave; and whenever the BLU Spy was alone, Pyro always seemed to be nearby to ambush him and burn him to death. After the mission had ended, both teams reached an unofficial agreement on taunting sparingly if a Pyro was nearby.

That vindictive nature had increased over the years Pyro had spent with its team, and now branched out to include the Gems and Steven as well. Its great protective behavior towards Steven was matched only by that of Pearl and Soldier, but where Pearl was naturally merciful towards humans, and Soldier had a hard time actually disciplining civilians, very little could sway Pyro when it was on the warpath.

That very thought was ever present in Engineer's mind as he explained the purpose of his mini-teleporters to Pyro, waiting in apprehension for the firebug to realize that someone might try to harm Steven and explode.

Luckily, Pyro was just as blissful as it was dangerous. The mute mercenary waited patiently and without making a fuss to Engineer's whole spiel, "So all you have to do is carry this in your pack and use it if you think Steven is in danger. Can ya do that?"

"Mmh-hmm," Pyro nodded as it accepted Engineer's toolkit. The Texan handed it over and was not particularly confused when the pyromaniac set it aside before turning back to Engineer for more instructions. Engie knew that Pyro could be counted on to complete a task, though it may take a while.

With nothing more to say, Engineer stood up, tipped his hardhat, and left the room in a red flash of teleporter energy. After a few moments of staring at where Engineer had left, Pyro picked up the remote and pressed a button to play its show again. Pyro then continued to watch its Star Trek marathon, giggling and clapping its hands whenever it saw a ship explode in a burst of fiery color.

…Yeesh…

* * *

Engineer sighed to himself as he approached the door to Soldier's room. Like everything that involved the patriot-whether directly or indirectly-trying to meet him in his own quarters was a headache and a half.

But again, Engineer had to admit that Soldier's unique perspective on the world had helped out the team on more than one occasion. Sometimes even getting the crew through what they had accepted as an unsalvageable situation long before.

' _That doesn't make him any less annoying to deal with…'_ Engineer thought ruefully as he both mentally and physically prepared himself for the deadly challenge that was getting into Soldier's room. Stepping forward, the Texan pressed the doorbell just to the side of the entrance.

"Oh! A visitor!" Soldier said from within the room in a too-sweet voice, "Just a moment! I'm afraid that my room is in no condition to entertain guests, please give me a moment to tidy up. If you could, would you please wait in front of the door? Thank you!"

Hearing this, Engineer rolled his eyes at Soldier's poor imitation of a stable individual. He then immediately walked four steps backward along the wall away from the door and braced himself.

"All done!" Soldier's voice called, "Nice and clean. I'm going to open the door now; please come inside!" The door to Soldier's room slid apart-

*BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM*

-And immediately seven rockets sped through the opening to explode against the far wall. While certainly powerful, Engineer wouldn't have been worth his salt if a mere explosive barrage was all it took to bring down one of his walls. The explosives did leave a series of nasty blackened marks however. Engineer grunted as he brushed off some of the smaller grenade fragments from his clothes. He _really_ should confiscate Soldier's weapons and keep them under lock and key. Too bad the rocketeer was far too good at getting into places he really shouldn't be.

"TAKE THAT YOU SNEAKY, INTRUDER HIPPIE! I'LL SHOW YOU TO BREAK INTO OUR HOME! MAYBE YOU CAN GET A _REAL_ HAIRCUT IN HELL! HAHAHAHAHAHA-"

"Soldier, it's _me_ , ya rocket-hoppin' dumbass! Now put down the goddamn launcher and let me in!" Engineer shouted, breaking through Soldier's victory tirade with a slice of cold logic.

Soldier was not one to be so easily dissuaded however, "And who, exactly, is _ME_?" The patriot yelled back, "You could mean ANYONE! Now, SPEAK UP!"

"It's ENGINEER! I came down to this dump ta give ya somethin' important!"

"Oh, well why didn't you say so!" Soldier said, his voice honey-sweet again, "Well, in that case I guess I have to let you in! Sorry about trying to kill you earlier; I'm a bit jumpy."

"I had NO idea…" Engineer mumbled with a roll of his eyes.

"Here you go!" A familiar rocket-powered-grenade launcher slid nosily along the ground and through the open door into the hallway, "Now you know I can't attack you! I hope you don't mind that I took all of the rockets out; I can't have you using that against me! You're free to enter now."

Still not buying it, Engineer reached into his bag and withdrew a disembodied Engineerbot head, "Okay, I'm coming in." He called as he stepped towards the door. When he was just outside the doorway, he tossed the functionless head across the opening.

*BLAM*

The robot head flew backwards as the shotgun pellets tore into it, slamming it against the far wall and leaving yet another couple of holes that Engineer would need to patch up later. For a few seconds nobody spoke. Then Soldier, grumbling and cursing quietly, threw the shotgun he had used out into the hallway to land aside his launcher.

"You can come in." Soldier groused in his normal gravelly voice.

"Finally…" Engineer mumbled as he stepped through the door and into Soldier's room.

The patriot's room can best be summed up as 'Spartan'. The concrete walls were free of any paint, but they were riddled with various bullet holes and the ash left behind by explosives. Strewn about the floor were various ammunition boxes, unused bullets, spent shells, beer bottles, unused rockets (better be careful with those), various shotguns, launchers, shovels and grenades. A small cot was pushed into the corner of the room-Soldier refused to sleep in anything but-next to an impressively well-kept metal wardrobe. About the only decorations in the room was a large tattered and torn American flag hung up on the wall proudly and a case full of various medals and accolades (some real, some Soldier commissioned himself) placed on a small nightstand next to his cot.

Subconsciously, the clutter and absolute mess made Engineer twitch as he beheld Soldier's room. Some part of him was just begging to plaster those walls up and fix what damage had been done, despite the fact that Engineer knew that the walls would just fix themselves up if given time. The Texan knew that if he could see more of the room, he would have a harder time controlling himself. Thankfully, the piteously small amount of light projected by the one unbroken lamp on the far wall didn't allow Engineer to view the entire room as a whole, sparing him from what he was certain was a ghastly sight. But at the same time the inventor couldn't quite see where exactly Soldier was in his quarters. It was almost as if-

Engineer's gut clenched as his Spy-sense tingled.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

*CRACK*

"Oof!"

Quicker than thought, Engineer had whipped around and clubbed Soldier in the head with a hastily-drawn wrench, halting the patriot's surprise attack. Soldier fell to the ground, dropping his pickaxe in the progress. While he had been wearing a helmet at the time, a critical wrench was nothing to sneeze at-something that far too many enemy Spies became familiar with during the Gravel Wars. Soldier groaned as he shook the stars in his vision away.

Engineer sighed as his heart rate slowed to a normal pace and pocketed his wrench. He then glared at Soldier as the patriot got to his feet in a wobbly state, "Now why the hell didja go and do a foolish thing like that for?!" The Texan chastised.

"I was trying to protect our home, maggot!" Soldier said with no trance of grogginess and no evidence of a concussion-his incredible pain tolerance and the ability to bounce back from what should have been crippling blows had always fascinated Engineer, "How was I supposed to know that you weren't some enemy Spy that had broken into our base?!"

"We have anti-Spy measures set up all around the Fortress and beach house! They can't disguise themselves here! And the only person who can disguise themselves and sound even _remotely_ like me is our Spy!"

"Engie, I trust you, but I do NOT trust machines! They have risen against us in the past! Who's to say they won't do it again?!"

"Soldier my machines aren't _sentient_ , and Gray's robots were programmed to kill us! They didn't 'rise against us'!"

"It's the same thing!"

"No, Soldier it isn't-" Engineer stopped for a second when he realized that he was trying to dispute logic with Soldier; the only member of the team that could even hold a candle to Pyro's insanity. Immediately after the thought occurred to him, Engineer facepalmed in sheer annoyance and frustration.

"Ya know what? Forget what I said. Here," Engineer pulled out his PDA and warped in another toolkit before thrusting it into Soldier's arms, "Just take this and put it in your bag. It's too early to deal with you right now."

Soldier looked confused as he accepted the toolkit without complaint, "But its thirteen-hundred hours! Not early at all!"

"That's what you think," Engineer groused as he pointed a finger in Soldier's face to get his attention, "Put the toolkit in your bag. Do not activate it unless I say so. Do _not_ use it to teleport any form of wheat products. Just put it away until we need it."

"When will we need it?"

"When I say so. Now go!"

Soldier's (completely fabricated) military instincts kicked in at the order. He stood up straight and saluted with his right hand, carefully shifting the toolkit in his left to hold it, "Sir! Yes! Sir!" He then ran over to his wardrobe and began messing around inside of it.

Shaking his head, Engineer turned around and moved to exit Soldier's room. It was not a place anyone wanted to remain for long and still retain their sanity.

' _Merasmus got off easy; we have to deal with this idiot for the rest of our lives.'_ Engineer grumbled mentally.

* * *

"Okay…last one," Engineer mumbled to himself as he walked to the last mercenary's room, "I really hope Scout isn't going to be as bad as Soldier…"

The Texan walked up to the Bostonian's door and pressed the doorbell. He then waited for a few seconds for Scout to open up.

…

Engineer frowned when he didn't get a response within a minute; Scout was usually all too quick to open up when someone came by, even if all he did was tell them to piss off. Maybe he had his headphones on?

The inventor pressed the doorbell again, but was met with pretty much the same results. Engineer was all set to use his admin override code on the lock when a flash of red behind him interrupted his thoughts.

"-knew he wouldn't be able to outlast _you_."

"Ha! Yeah, what would you do without me?"

"Probably just break in using one of Engie's codes, but whateva. Oh, hey! Speak of the devil!"

Engineer turned back to the teleporter to find that Scout and Amethyst had warped in, each holding a small handful of disguise kits. A memory from earlier today prompted Engineer's next question in spite of his better judgement.

"Wasn't Spy keeping those things off you?" The Texan asked as he pointed at the devices in the duo's hands.

"Hardhat, c'mon," Scout said with a roll of his eyes, "When has someone _eva_ been able to keep somethin' off'a me for too long?"

"Hey, what about me? I did all the work!" Amethyst protested, looking petulant.

"Yeah sure, whateva helps ya sleep at night," The purple Gem stuck her tongue out at Scout, but the huge grin on both their faces belied their kidding nature. Scout turned back to Engineer, "Anyways, what's up Engie? We got things ta do, so whateva it is ya gotta tell us better not take too long." The Bostonian walked up to his door and set his palm on a small screen near the front. After a moment the screen flashed green and the door opened, allowing everyone inside.

Scout's room is, in the most eloquent and descriptive terms available to the author at this time, an absolute mess. Not nearly as bad in terms of property damage like Soldier's room, but there's a much larger amount of knick-knacks and personal goodies scattered about the floor. Well-lit by bright fluorescent bulbs, the concrete walls are absolutely covered in various posters of human athletes (mostly baseball players) to the point where they could almost be classified as a type of wallpaper. Baseballs and baseball bats are all lumped together in a single pile (the non-weaponized ones at least) next to a second pile that seems to be fabricated out of various pieces of baseball equipment; jerseys, cleats, gloves (batter's, catcher's and fielder's) and padding. There aren't any batter's helmets or caps in any piles, but hats were always held with a bit more regard than other types of clothing. Several other piles litter the ground, these ones fabricated from the various keepsakes Scout decided to take with him after certain missions. It wasn't necessarily a pile of battle trophies-that was in a pile all its own-but instead compiled of neat bits and bobs that Scout picked up along the way. The whole room seemed like a kind of 'organized chaos' situation, one that was just barely restrained, yet somehow Scout claimed that he had everything under control and only Amethyst understood that he had a well-organized system despite the utter lack of anything remotely resembling organization.

And Scout's dwelling couldn't even hold a candle to the amount of insane clutter that was Amethyst's room. The two just seemed to complement each other in the absolute best and worst ways.

Scout's bed was a bit more tame than his floor, thank God, but still pretty messy. Sheets were strew all over the mattress, whether from night fits or the simple unwillingness to make one's bed, Engineer could not tell. Even the desk area around Scout's computer was messy-several cans of Bonk! placed haphazardly into interesting shapes atop some unwashed plates-but was also very contained. Scout's wardrobe was about the only really 'clean' place in the entire room, and that was due to the borderline obsessive-compulsive way the Bostonian took care of his headgear and weapons.

Scout, with Amethyst trailing behind him, stepped over to his desk, swept the towers of irradiated soda cans and plates into a nearby wastebasket (why the runner didn't just throw them away to begin with, Engineer would never know) and dumped the disguise kits in their place before opening one up and messing with the settings on it. Amethyst did the same next to him, taking a bit more time as she was used to just morphing into something without really thinking about it while Spy's disguise kits took an artistic hand to use properly. She had scribbled several mistakes out before really getting into the rhythm of it.

"So you gonna tell us what you're up to or what?"

Engineer blinked at Amethyst's question; he had been trying to come up with a plausible reason as to why the two most tactless members of his crew were working meticulously as possible on the kits that he had completely forgotten his original reason for coming here. He shook his head to clear his thoughts.

"Alright, so I came by to give ya something, Scout. Something that might be pretty important on future missions."

"Oh, heck yes, is it a new gun?" Scout looked over at Engineer, his eyes sparkling in excitement. Quietly, Amethyst snickered behind the Bostonian's back as she continued working away with making a disguise. Engineer shook his head.

"Nah, it's not a weapon. It could be a bit more important than one though."

Like he had done seven times before, Engineer regaled Scout and Amethyst (by proxy) his idea for an emergency evacuation during a mission if things ended up pear-shaped. Surprisingly, both the runner and the Gem turned a bit serious as Engie ran down the danger Steven could be in should Gray attack during the middle of a Gem-monster battle. Far too often the twelve had a hard enough time keeping themselves safe, and some of them still ended up either regenerating in their Gems or waiting in the respawn chamber due to one small screw-up. Oh, they never lost a battle yet, but there were a few close calls from time to time. As the two most frequently poofed/killed members, Scout and Amethyst knew this all too well.

"So all I gotta do to set this thing up is open it? It's really that easy?" Scout said after Engineer had finished his explanation and had handed the toolkit over to him. The Bostonian was turning it over in his hands, trying to discern if there were any other complicated mechanisms in the device. Amethyst was standing next to him and poking at the toolkit as well.

Engineer shook his head, "Nah, it basically sets itself up no problem. All you have to do is toss it out and unlock the latch. From there the teleporter can do the rest on its own."

"Great," Scout said as he set the toolkit off to the side, "I'd hate for the reason that Steven got hurt was 'cuz I didn't know how ta set up one a' your teleporters."

"Hey, maybe I could teach ya how to just in case."

Scout made a 'pft' sound with his lips, "Nah, I don't think so. Probably way too complicated anyways."

"Yeah Engie, we're not all eggheads like you and Pearl. Some of us actually _don't_ find spanners or flux capricorns interesting."

"They're called flux _capacitors_ Amethyst," Engineer said as he rolled his eyes at the purple Gem, "And if ya ain't up for learnin' about my machines, than what the heck are you doin' with all those disguise kits ya got from Spy?"

For a moment, the Texan was taken aback by the devious grin Scout and Amethyst shared. Engineer happened to be _very_ familiar with those particular diabolical smiles and smug eyes. Far too often the duo had smiled that very smile just before unleashing an absolutely horrible (relatively speaking) prank or trick. Poor Pearl, often the butt of the two's pranks given how easy she was to annoy, was the most popular target out of their entire team. However, the two didn't discriminate, not even against Garnet. Engineer himself had been the victim of one or more trap toolkits and important tools and components being kept out of his reach. And then there was the Dustbowl incident of '86…

Engineer shuddered internally. Fortunately, Amethyst and Scout both remained unaware at how uncomfortable they were making him feel. Amethyst-still smirking, by the way, pushed herself up onto a clear area of Scout's desk, "Oh, we're just getting together stuff we need for a new game with Steven. We think he'll enjoy it."

"Yeah," Scout said cockily as he leaned back in his chair, "And the best part is, anyone can play! Well, they'll be able to once we finish up here." The Bostonian gestured to the pile of disguise kits nearby.

Engineer was understandably not comforted, "What…exactly, does this particular game entail?"

Scout smiled and opened his mouth, "See, the name of the game is called 'Steven Tag'. The way it works is-"

"Woah, woah, waitaminute," Amethyst moved and clapped one of her hands over Scout's mouth to prevent him from saying anything else, "I thought you said we weren't gonna tell anybody anything 'till we were finished?"

Scout rolled his eyes and brushed his companion's hand off his mouth, "Re-lax Amy, I wasn't gonna tell hardhat anything important. Just that it's kinda like freeze tag."

"Oh. I guess that's okay then."

Engineer raised an eyebrow at the two before his gaze turned back to the desk, "So…what do ya'll need those for then?"

"Now _that_ is what ya hafta figure out on yer own, Engie. Or just wait till we're done, either one works. Speakin' of…" Scout turned back around and picked up the disguise kit he had been working on before. He flipped the tin open and began scribbling again, only for a moment as he remembered that he still had an audience, "Hey, if ya ain't got anything else for us, would ya mind leavin'? We wanna get this done ASAP, but we can't work with ya here."

Engineer turned to Amethyst and found that the purple Gem had resumed her work on the disguise kits as well. Pinching the bridge of his nose, Engineer sighed, "Just…just promise me that this 'game' of yours doesn't involve anybody getting hurt. And when I say 'hurt', I mean by normal people standards."

The Texan wasn't exactly assured when the duo looked at each other with confused expressions on their faces, "I don't… _think_ so?" Scout said, though he sounded unsure.

"I mean…this doesn't involve weapons if that's what you mean." Amethyst said, shrugging.

Engineer sighed again, "Well, if Steven gets hurt somehow, I sure as heck ain't claimin' responsibility. Goodbye you two."

Amethyst rolled her eyes and huffed an exasperated breath once the Texan had left, "Pssh, as if Pearl wasn't bad enough with her crazy ideas of us purposely hurting Steven. Now Engie's on our case too?"

"Ah, they just worry about the little man. And let's be honest here, we aren't really the best role-models for him." Scout tried to reason as he continued working on the disguise kit.

"I guess…" Amethyst mumbled, the purple Gem's mind being filled with images of Steven getting hurt because of something stupid and her standing by unable to help. Amethyst threw her head back with a groan, "Ugh…why'd Engie and you haveta go and make me feel sad and junk? I thought we were gonna have a good time makin' something cool for Steven…" The short Gem fell onto her back, making the desk shake a bit. Her companion looked over at the display and, being unmoved, shook his head with a smile.

"C'mon now, we can get most of the hard stuff done now if we actually try."

"Nuh…too sad to work. Can't do it." Amethyst mumbled in a fake weak voice as she raised her arm up to the ceiling, "I'll work later when I feel better…"

"Get your lazy purple ass up and gimme a hand here!"

All Scout received in response was yet another weak grunt that he was certain was there to mask the snickers Amethyst was undoubtedly having at his expense. Scout sighed, "Fine; if I get ya something' ta eat, will ya do yer damn job?"

The speed at which the Gem spot forward into a sitting position would certainly have given a normal human whiplash. As it were, Amethyst's long white mane flew all over the place, "Yeah, sure! Whaddya got?"

Scout deftly leapt out of his chair; smiling to himself how eagerly Amethyst could be if there was food to be eaten. The Bostonian walked over to a nearby mini-fridge and opened it up, "Lesse here…" Scout mumbled as he looked into the small icebox. Fully away that Amethyst could eat almost _anything_ , Scout knew that the Gem responded best to fried foods. So when he spotted a familiar white-and-red striped bucket, he smirked.

"Got a bucket of chicken," He said as he pulled the cardboard container out and examining its contents with both his eyes and nose, "And it's still good too; only about a week old I think."

"Great!" Amethyst said as she stretched out her arms toward Scout and made grabby motions with her hands, looking for all the world like a petulant child, "Well don't keep a girl waitin'! Give it here!" Scout tossed her the bucket of cold fried chicken. Not having the patience to even consider warming it up, Amethyst ravenously tore into the food.

"Ya know," Scout mused as he settled back into his chair at the desk, watching as Amethyst finished crunching down the bones that had been left, "If you wanted some food, all ya had ta do was get it yourself."

Amethyst popped the empty container into her mouth and, after a might swallow, turned to give Scout a wry grin, "But why would I do that if you're here to get it for me?"

"I'll keep this in mind the next time ya ask me ta rob the next ice cream van, or the next taco truck or whateva."

Amethyst let out her characteristic barking laugh, "Aw, c'mon Scout! Ya know ya love me."

"About as much as I can throw ya, yeah."

Scout's room was then filled with the sound of two great, if completely irresponsible, friends laughing as they prepared a surprise for their favorite person.

* * *

Engineer let out a relieved breath as he rode the base elevator up and out of The Fortress. He could have just teleported, but the Texan thought the extra time to get his feelings together would do him some good. Seeing as how all of the mercenaries now had emergency teleporters, the next course of action would be to bring the Gems in on the plan. Amethyst already knew of course, but she probably didn't even think about telling Pearl and Garnet about Engie's plan; she didn't have the foresight for that.

So Engie himself was marching up to the Temple to tell Pearl and Garnet about it. Despite the former's distaste for most human technology, the alabaster Gem always had a certain fascination with some of the more impressive advancements humanity made. Engineer and Medic's own creations were certainly worth more merit in Pearl's eyes, though the latter was a bit too…enthusiastic at times. Luckily, the doctor had the rest of his team to help keep him in check.

When the elevator pinged, Engineer stepped out and walked down the short corridor towards the exit. The Texan, upon reaching the door, hit a series of access codes to unlock the entrance from the inside. Once finished, Engineer walked through the opening and moved over to the Gems' Temple door.

"Oh, hello Engineer! How are you doing today?"

Performing an about-face, Engineer saw Pearl with her hands wrist-deep in the beach house's kitchen sink. The Gem was washing a series of dishes by hand, smiling and humming a happy little tune as she worked.

With a small smile of his own, Engineer walked over to Pearl and stood to the side of her with his arms crossed, "I'm doin' just fine Pearl, how're you?"

"Very good, I must say. If you're looking for Steven, he and Garnet are out for their morning exercises."

Engineer raised an eyebrow, "Still? Thought the usual lessons only lasted about an hour or so."

"They do…at least when myself or Amethyst is instructing," Pearl grimaced ever-so-slightly, "But, you know how Garnet can get a little…erm…" She trailed off as her mind grasped for the right word.

"Crazy?"

"I was going to say intense," Pearl responded dryly. Giving a smirk and sideways glance to the inventor, she continued, "Trust me, you and yours have the market cornered in crazy."

Engineer chuckled good-naturedly at Pearl's jab; he more than anyone else knew just how chaotic the mercenaries could be if they were all together and left to their own devices. Really the only thing keeping Beach City standing was the fact that the mercs were more than preoccupied with destroying the waves of robot invasions and taking care of the occasional Gem monster. When the crew went for too long without a good distracting fight, Engineer had enough foresight to set up a fully-functional combat simulator in the lower levels of The Fortress, allowing the mercs to brush up on their skills from time to time. They didn't want a repeat of what had happened in Ocean Town, that's for darn sure.

"If ya don't mind me askin', why exactly are ya washin' these dishes by hand? I built a perfectly good dishwasher for that very purpose." Engineer asked Pearl, tapping on the very device with his knuckles.

"It's cathartic for me," The alabaster Gem said with a smile, pointedly setting one of the plates she had just cleaned into a nearby drying rack, "I find it calming to clean them myself rather than just wait around for a machine to do the work for me; albeit a well-built machine, but still."

Engineer shrugged, "If ya say so," Before picking up a nearby dishtowel and using it to dry off one of the cleaned dishes, "Well, lemme give ya hand with 'em at least," When Pearl frowned and tried to protest, the Texan cut in once more, "And while I'm here, I can tell ya about this little idea I had about future missions.

As Pearl listened to the inventor's clever and somewhat redundant plan, she couldn't help but think introspectively about the truth of Engineer's words; Steven really didn't have much in the way of self-defense, what would happen if he was in a situation where he _had_ to fight? No matter how much the alabaster Gem tried to deny it, the truth was that serious and sometimes (semi-)fatal injuries were not an _if_ with their line of work, but rather a _when_. Until Steven could learn how to control his powers on his own, he would be completely reliant on the Gems and Team Fortress to protect him; a task that was made infinitely more difficult if the twelve had to protect themselves as well.

"I…see what you're getting at," Pearl said with her hands clasped together nervously in front of her, having long finished the chore of washing the dishes a while ago, "And I can see that your 'emergency teleporters' would certainly be useful for more than just protecting Steven. But you surely have to understand that this is simply a stopgap? What happens if the teleporter network goes down? Or if Gray jams it like he has in the past? Steven still has no idea how to control his powers, what happens when he simply just can't escape?"

Engineer sighed and scratched his chin at Pearl's counterpoint; he had considered it himself, but until he had spoken to Heavy earlier today he wasn't willing to commit to the most obvious answer, "About that…I was talkin' with Heavy earlier today and he had this idea to help Steven defend himself in a fight."

The hesitation in his voice was not missed by Pearl, "Well, what is it?

Deciding to just bite the bullet now ( _'Oh, great choice of words there…'_ ) Engineer cleared his throat, "…We were thinkin' that maybe we could give Steven some advanced lessons in firearms."

Recognizing the widening eyes and shrinking pupils as telltale signs of a Pearl meltdown, Engineer quickly raised his hands in a placating gesture, "Don't worry, we won't even think about teachin' him to use anything bigger than a small handgun-and _only_ give it to him during missions. But Pearl; we won't always be nearby to protect him," _'As much as I wish we could'_ , Engineer thought bitterly, "He needs to able to defend himself just in case we can't. And given the recent series of events, that seems even more likely."

Being a rather logical individual, Pearl couldn't fault the reasoning behind the Texan's words. Steven was left completely vulnerable during the end of the Sea Spire mission and was saved only by the skin of his teeth due to the team's timely intervention. And just a few days prior, Steven actually helped fight the centipeelte mother armed with nothing but an ice-cream freezer. The Gem could not deny that Steven absolutely needed to learn how to protect himself, yet she was no fan of teaching the young boy how to use such volatile weapons as human munitions.

"He…he still has his Gem powers," Pearl muttered weakly, grasping for straws, "We can teach him how to use those…"

"Yeah, but how long 'til they come in? Or what if some of them don't develop at all?" Engineer rebutted, looking distinctly guilty despite his words, "Steven could go for years without showing any signs of Gem powers. He has managed to tap into his super-strength very well on occasion," The Texan conceded that point; there was no other way the half-Gem would have been able to carry the Cookie Cat freezer (let alone _pitch it at a Gem monster_ ) as easily as he had, "But that's unpredictable and nowhere near as powerful as your own."

For a few moments, the beach house was silent. Eventually, Engineer removed his hardhat with a heavy sigh and wiped his brow, "Truth is, Pearl, I don't like this idea any more than you do. But we have to face facts; Steven is going to get into dangerous situations in life. That's always been our way. So he _needs_ to have some form of self-defense, and until he gets a little older-or develops more of his powers-he can't rely on strength alone. He's half-human too, so he should learn how to fight like a human as well as a Gem warrior. 'Sides, Steven's already shown that he can handle a gun pretty well, so I seriously doubt that the boy's gonna hurt himself using one."

Again, Pearl couldn't find any faults in the Texan's logical assessment; teaching Steven how to properly use a handgun would certainly improve his chances in a fight, no matter how small. And she _knew_ Steven-he would never even think of using his weapons on a person. The idea of hurting someone else was all but foreign to the half-Gem. She also knew that Engineer was very professional during his lessons with Steven and was very clear in his warnings on how to properly use a weapon, so the probability of Steven hurting himself was also very low.

Also, while Pearl thought that normal human firearms were a touch barbaric, the mercenaries armaments were all custom-made and had a certain charm/allure to them. Pearl herself actually underwent certain firearms lessons herself-particularly under the tutelage of Sniper-and had to admit that using one of their weapons was far more preferable to using normal human weapons.

So, despite the inner protective voice that screamed at her not to teach her baby how to use weapons, Pearl found herself nodding, "…Alright." She said softly.

For how intelligent and reasonable Engineer had looked a moment ago, the dumbfounded expression on his face was almost funny, "…Whut?"

"I agree with you. Steven should learn how to handle a firearm in combat. I don't like the idea at all, but I know that it's necessary." The alabaster Gem elaborated.

Engineer stood blinking at Pearl for a few moments (not that you could tell because of his goggles) before snapping out of his trance and clearing his throat, "Well, uhh…I certainly didn't expect ya' to agree so easily."

Quirking an eyebrow, Pearl crossed her arms and stared down at the Texan, "Oh, really? And why is that?"

"No reason," Engineer said evasively, wincing ever-so-slightly when the Gem's gaze turned into a glare, "Except that…sometimes you can be a little…overprotective, about Steven."

"Overprotective?!" Pearl said indignantly, "I most certainly am not! If anything, I feel as though everyone else is far too loose with Steven's privileges!"

"When we first brought him into The Fortress on his tenth birthday, you refused to let him go without a helmet."

"I was worried that he might trip over a wire or loose weapon and hurt his head!" Pearl tried to defend herself, all the while blushing like a light blue tomato, "Besides, you wear a hardhat all the time."

"It's my _thing_ ,Pearl, ya know that. And do you really think that I'd allow Steven to go somewhere where a loose weapon might be lying around?"

"Well…no, but-"

"If that isn't enough, should I maybe bring up the fact that you watch Steven sleep almost every night? Don't try to deny it; I have video evidence from the security cams to prove it."

"So?! That's not being overprotective; he just looks adorable in his sleep!"

"Pearl, I have one recording where you were _stroking his hair_ while she slept and almost skewered the seagull outside his window when it squawked."

Pearl's face was flushed almost completely blue at this point.

"Oh, and should I bring up the first time you let him out of the house? How much bubble wrap did you use again?"

" _Stop. Talking!"_

* * *

"Guys! We're back!"

"Hey, Steven."

"Hi Engie! Hi Pearl! ...Um, Pearl why is your face all blue?"

"Oh, no reason Steven; how was your run with Garnet?"

* * *

 **A/N: Hoooo-leeeee crap this chapter took a really long time. I** _ **really**_ **wasn't feeling up to writing for a while, and then there was a bunch of shit with school and my family and my job and ugh…it ended up making this chapter taking a lot longer than it should have. I seriously hope that this doesn't happen again, but I can't make any promises.**

 **Now, this chapter was all about the mercenaries' new home, The Fortress; an underground, bigger-on-the-inside complex that housed all of the mercs as well as their weapons and much more technology. This chapter just detailed each of the merc's rooms, and there's much more to explore in The Fortress, but this chapter was dedicated to the mercenaries' rooms alone. We'll be seeing more of The Fortress in the future, don't worry.**

 **If I was Engineer, I most certainly would have a contingency plan in case we needed to escape somewhere dangerous. Enter the Texan's portable teleports; set them down and they automatically unfold into a teleporter set to take a single person back home. Sure, giving everyone a teleporter seems redundant, but then again not all of the mercs or Gems may be going to a single location for a mission. Engie's just looking at the future with his wide area of cover.**

 **Also, Steven knows how to shot bullets. Why the hell wouldn't he when you consider the people he lives with. Don't worry; Steven won't be shooting anybody, and he'll use his weapons sparingly if at all, but it'll still be an option for the half-Gem.**

 **Once again, thank you to all my wonderful reviewers, followers and favers for taking part in my ramblings.**

 **Potat0s0Verlord: Thank you so very much for enjoying my story; it really means a lot to me. As to the Gems reacting to some of the mercs' cosmetics, headgear and-dare a say-jewelry, you'll just have to wait and see.**

 **Zaravan: Ha ha, thanks! I hope that I continue to impress you.**

 **Dante Watterson: Thankee :3**

 **darkromdemon: In order to not spoil too much, I won't give away which characters will or will not have an effect on the plot. However, I** _ **will**_ **say that Steven and a certain munitions-based tome have a good friendship. The tome's** _ **owner**_ **on the other hand, well, let's save that for later.**

 **trickster3696: Ah ha ha, ha ha ha…*sweats nervously***

 **ghostboy1225: Sorry for the long wait on this one.**

 **Speerut: I certainly won't stop at just 20 episodes, and some episodes may simply be downgraded to a couple-thousand-word snippets because they either don't focus on the mercenaries at all, or something the mercs bring to the table negates the problem of an episode entirely. I will be coming up with some of my own storylines to fill the void, but I am not a crewniverse member; my completely original chapters may take longer to write. (P.S., the title at the start of a chapter may help you find out how much of the original story I changed)**

 **Fanreader48: Thank you very much for taking the time to leave such a nice and analytic review; I'm very happy that you enjoy my story as well as both fandoms. And…just to clarify, you don't think that I'm** _ **shipping**_ **Scout and Amethyst right? It's just the wording of your review made me think so. I want to make it absolutely clear that-at this point at least-I will not deviate from the canon ships nor will I incorporate any ships that are not confirmed to exist. I'm no good at writing romance anyway. (Stevonnie will still be a thing, both the ship and the fusion.)**

 **Plague Doc: Thank you! I hope I don't disappoint.**

 **A Friendly Hoovy: Aw, c'mon now it's not** _ **perfect**_ **, it's actually kinda chaotic if I'm being honest. But thank you for your attention and comment; good to know that I can still excite my readers!**

 **perigoj14: Thank you for the monies! And also for the wonderful comment; I hope I won't let you down with future chapters. Also, art? Wow. I'm…actually feeling kinda pressured here to do extra good. Really, I'd be happy if I could just get recommended on Beach City Bugle or tvtropes, but thank for thinking my inane ramblings actually qualify as art.**

 **And now for a little something extra: I'm more than aware that my story may raise a few questions. Some may be spoilers for future chapters, but others may just be something on the side. The latter are what I'd gladly answer if given the chance. So, if you feel as though you need something answered or want to find out more, feel free to post a question in your review! I'll try to answer them all, even if the answer is just 'Spoliers, sorry.'Hope you enjoy Team Universe!**

 **Reviews please! I'd love to hear your comments on my story and/or how to write better!**


	5. Chapter 5

Team Universe

 **Update day again! And again I took about a month to write something that should've taken less time. …Ugh, I blame having to edit my own story all by myself and Dark Souls 3. Damn that game is unfair but so fun too.**

 **On the bright side; SU returns in June! Aaaaaah! And (spoilers but not really) two of my favorite characters are (likely) going to make an appearance! That's right; anorexic Sadness and R34-R63 Chester Cheetah!**

… **What? Too much of a stretch? The hell do you mean they won't get that comparison, everyone calls Jasper the 'big buff cheeto puff'! And Lapis Lazuli's gem is shaped like a freaking** _ **tear drop**_ **for crying out loud. Whatever, I'm not changing it. …Fine! Quit! See if I care! I don't need you here anyways!**

 ***Ahem* Sorry about that guys, just arguing with my common sense again. Don't worry about it, it always comes crawling back a couple hours after I post my chapter.**

 **Anyways, here's to a hopefully strong third, fourth and fifth season of the chronicles of rock-boy and his many moms! I hope my meagre AU will help fill the voids in your own hearts until the one true Sugar's message returns. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or locations portrayed in this work; all characters and concepts belong to their original owners. Cover art belongs to the amazing Ace Florins.**

 _ **Now loading…epsd_togetherbreakfast**_

Garnet, Demo and Soldier stood in the center of the Scotsman's room, intently studying the piece of paper that lay flat on the table before them. While the aforementioned Gem showed little change in her outward stoic expression, both explosive experts had their faces twisted up in consternation as they stared at the offending article of parchment. The paper in question didn't appear to be something of particular interest to the untrained eye. True, the seemingly random assortment of shapes, lines and colors were certainly odd at first glance, but most people would simply dismiss that fact on the grounds that the image was clearly a piece of abstract art. While the use of the purple background would be odd to most art critics, they almost certainly would agree. So why exactly were the three so intent in their observations on the paper?

Well, the soul-rending whispered screeches of the damned that seemed to originate from the image prompted _some_ concern. And even if the whispers were less hellish, the paper would still be a major point of worry for the crew.

Rule #18 of the Crystal Gems/Team Fortress code of conduct: 'If a seemingly inanimate object starts speaking or giving signs of some type of communication, attempt to contain it (or destroy it) with the least amount of physical contact possible. 95% of the time, these objects turn out to be possessed by spirits that are almost always evil, insane, or insanely evil. Notable exceptions: The Bombinomicon, The Eyelander.' If the current trend the crew observed over the years seemed to be continuing, this paper was certainly not going to end up as an exception.

Garnet, however, was already more than aware of that possibility. The ebony Gem had obtained the paper during a recent mission to the remote Mask Island. Upon seeing the image grafted upon the paper, Garnet was immediately aware that the picture was far more dangerous than appearances suggested. The so-called paint that the image was made up of? Turns out that stuff was actually composed of multiple shattered Gem shards that had been ground up into a fine powder-paste and then applied to the paper in a very specific pattern to draw out the remaining consciousness of the 'deceased' Gems. You see, even when shattered into several pieces and beyond any hope of revival, a part of the Gem's mind lived on in each and every shard. This wouldn't be so bad, as the parts of memory would be so weak and disconnected that the shards would simply enter a constant 'hibernation' state, even if they were somehow able to regenerate a facsimile of a physical form.

However, when multiple Gem shards are brought together and, for lack of a better term, forcibly sandwiched to each other, the resulting amalgamation could have just enough sapience to realize their state of being and how very _wrong_ and _painful_ it was to exist in that state.

The Crystal Gems thought it to be an abhorrent and completely inexcusable way to treat their deceased comrades. For the most part, the mercenaries agreed with them when they discovered the truth about the Gem shards and Gem monsters they routinely fought.

Medic, on the other hand, found such a phenomenon to be fascinating. His utter disregard for moral and ethical hang-ups had made him the premiere expert in genetic and Gemetic engineering this side of the universe, but the road to that title was paved with a steady pile of corpses and humorous disfigured 'experiments'. The doctor had actually been about to start some Gem experiments on his own, but Rose was very adamant in her disapproval and disgust of such activities. In spite of this, Medic was more than willing to continue his experiments in secret and pursue his ultimate goal (whatever that was, even the doctor himself was sometimes unclear on his own motives) but luckily his team was able to successfully discourage the doctor from that notion.

Such discouragement included Pyro randomly and sporadically setting the German on fire at varying times of the day. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, Medic's healing factor allowed him to survive every minor case of complete immolation, though sometimes just barely. Eventually the German had finally developed a negative association with the idea of Gem experiments and gave up in his pursuits, yet not without reluctance.

But I digress. Once Garnet had recognized the material the 'paint' was composed of, she had planned to head back to the Temple and destroy it utterly. However, after taking a second glance at the paper and reading deeply into the magic infused within the image, the Gem was mildly surprised to find a magical signature that was not Gem-like in nature. Inside the paper, separate yet also connected to the Gem shards, was a second layer of magic that seemed similar to that of Merasmus; Soldier's three-time wizard roommate.

While the skull-wearing sorcerer was something of a joke to the mercenaries and Gems-indeed, Garnet herself thought the wizard to be a laughingstock-the truth was he was one of the few remaining human magic users on the planet. In the past, especially right after the Earth Rebellions, human magic-users were far more commonplace. Having been exposed to various forms of Gemtech and Gem magic, these individuals displayed incredible magical feats through the use of their powers. While the Gems had been quick to do damage control and reacquire as many Gem artifacts as possible, it was several centuries before human magicians began to die off. Which was good for everyone involved, because humans, while having no natural aptitude for magic, and Gems being born with the stuff, human magic users had access to more powerful 'spells' than even the some of the Gems. The reason? While Gems had to use a major portion of their magical energy to sustain a physical form, humans had no such complications. Having been born into the world with a 'weak, soft body', human wizards and witches were able to devote 100% of their magical energy to spells, as opposed to the Gems' average of 5%-20% outside of augmentations. Non-homogenous, or heterogeneous, fusions were able to crank out considerably more-even the fairly unimpressive 2-facet fusions had access to power exponentially higher to either of their constituent components-but still, most of the energy went into maintaining their form. For comparison, Alexandrite, a fusion of Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst and also the strongest possible fusion the mercenaries had ever witnessed aside from the giant four-armed fusion that also contained Rose Quartz, had an average magical aptitude of 40% capacity for outside use on a good day, decreasing to about 32% if the Gems were infighting while fused. Though usually just annoying and not quite as willing to completely destroy the mercenaries and the Gems as Gray is, Merasmus was able to last against Alexandrite for a respectable amount of time before he was ultimately forced to flee. True, the wizard had conjured a legion of zombies, skeletons, and the HHH to slow down the mercs while he fought the fusion, and had summoned Monoculous to aid him in his battle, yet it was still an impressive feat. Honestly, the crew was lucky that Merasmus only had them to pay any attention to his exploits, because that fact probably kept him for making good on his threats and getting serious. He might have actually been a semi-competent foe otherwise.

Despite the somewhat good-heartedness the Gem had for the depressed wizard, Garnet felt a strong compulsion to march up to Merasmus's castle, yank the mousy man up to her level, and threaten the magic user with serious harm when she first felt the taint of human-based magic on the paper. It took her a good few moments to calm herself down and think things through before coming to an obvious conclusion. While it was certainly possible that Merasmus had a hand in making this horrible prison, and was a rather impressive magic adept, the wizard was somehow terrible when it came to actually hurting someone, Gem shards included. Also, even though the Gems prided themselves in being the magical 'geniuses' that they were, truth was it was actually somewhat difficult for them to differentiate between magical signatures. Gem magic used too little of the user's identity to leave a measureable trace, so the Gems were basically clueless as to _who_ activated a certain spell, even if they understood the _mechanics_ with a single glance. Human magic-users however had a certain 'signature' to them that made their magic feel noticeably different from Gem magic; even a complete novice would be able to tell the difference between a fireball thrown by a Ruby from one cast by a wizard because the two felt fundamentally different. This was even clear between two different human magic users using the same spell-though it was a much more subtle deviation than that of a human and a Gem. Anyone who studied the occult for a living and/or had more than a few run-ins with magic would be able to feel the subtle differences between spells and tell whether or not a certain wizard used a certain magical spell.

While technically _all_ of the mercenaries fulfilled the requirements for 'wizardhood', given that they had been excessively exposed to Australium for about eight years of their life, they each felt more comfortable using weapons instead of magic. They only really used magic when it was easiest for them to do so; during full moons, Halloween, the night before Smissmas, etc. As such, most of them had no idea how to tell whether or not this wizard used a spell as opposed to this _other_ wizard.

However, there were two mercenaries who had more experience with magic than their brothers-in-arms. Specifically, Demoman and Soldier. The former due to the fact that he had served as a cleaner for Merasmus in his youth and unfortunately had his eye cursed out by the Bombinomicon (the Spanish tome was very sorry about the situation when they two had met up years later) leaving the Scotsman with an uncanny sixth-sense for any magic related to the wizard and the bomb-book. The latter due to the fact that he had spent years living alongside the wizard in a closed environment, and was magically-sensitive to anything that had to do with Merasmus.

Having made up her mind, the Gem had marched into the Fortress and traveled down to Demo's level, intending to gather both him and Soldier in order to determine whether or not Merasmus had a hand in forming this Gem prison. By some strange stroke of luck, Soldier was present in Demoman's abode pestering him for some beer and sour cream. Having long since accepted and started ignoring the strange quirks of the human members of their ragtag team, Garnet didn't even spare a second thought as to why the patriot would consider bothering Demo for sour cream when he could just as easily gone down to the Fortress's Mess Hall for it instead. Sure, Demo kept copious amounts of every type of alcohol under the sun, but he sure as hell didn't have as wide array of food as say, Heavy.

Quickly interjecting between the two and stopping the budding argument cold Garnet explained the purpose of her visit and held out the paper for the explosive experts to see. Switching from 'screwing around' to 'serious threat' mode, the two lead Garnet over to a small table where they splayed the paper out for closer inspection. They remained that way for a couple minutes before Demo and Soldier turned to each other and shook their heads.

"Nah."

"Couldn't be."

Garnet felt a small bubble of relief well up in her chest and released a nonverbal sigh when she heard the declaration. Good; much as she found the so-called wizard to be mostly annoying she rather wouldn't have to actually try and hurt him if the situation arose. Leaning slightly forward over the table, the Gem stared down at the paper as well, "What can you tell me about who reinforced this image then?"

"Not much, really," Demo frowned as he held the cursed paper up to his level, "Ta' be honest, the workmanship is pretty shoddy if I say so meself."

"Yeah," Soldier grumbled as his picked his nose, not caring who or what saw him doing so, "As much of a hippie wannabe Merasmus is, he wouldn't be so careless in sealing the shards in the painting." The American removed his finger from his nose and, after giving it a disapproving glance, flicked the snot away, "Whoever _did_ help seal the painting, they probably had no idea what the heck they were doing."

"Hell, _Scout_ could make a more effective seal," Demo chuckled as he scanned the paper once more, "I can see how ye'd be mistaken though; whoever did seal this feels pretty similar to the magic bombs Merasmus uses. Though this spell feels a lot younger than tha' bloody fool wizard."

Garnet nodded as her initial theory was validated by the two, "I had thought so; I just wanted to be absolutely sure."

"Well I can see why," Demo said as he rolled the painting back up and handed it to the Gem, who accepted it carefully, "This ting is a pretty big deal. We'd proly hafta go beat the blowhard up if he had a hand in this."

"Feh, not like it would be hard," Soldier cackled evilly as he rubbed his hands together, "And I've been _waiting_ for a crack at that wizard-ghost-maggot after he pulled that stunt last Halloween!"

Demoman rolled his eye in exasperation before turning to Garnet, "Now tha' ye' got the damn thing, what are ye' gonna do with it, then?"

The ebony Gem looked down at the scroll tucked under her arm for a moment with an expression that seemed almost like sadness. Though Demo wasn't completely positive-it was hard to read the tall Gem's emotions due to the visor she wore at all times. She stared at the paper for a few seconds more before she spoke again, "It needs to be destroyed. Even forgetting the fact that a human helped seal this, it is an extremely dangerous artifact. If the Gems in this ever found organic matter to take refuge in, they would be extremely difficult to remove and exterminate," Garnet started walking towards the exit when she stopped suddenly, a thought occurring to her. Turning back around the Gem appraised Soldier and Demo, "Although…the human-based magic binding the Gems to this painting will make it considerably more difficult to destroy on my own." Not exactly comfortable with asking for help, the Gem left the question hanging in the air, unasked.

Unsurprisingly, the explosive duo took the baited statement pretty well, considering the diabolical grins that now split their faces. Before anything else could be said, Soldier quickly dashed out of Demo's room heading straight for the nearby teleporter, "Just a few minutes to get my things and I'll be ready to exorcise that hippie-paper!" The patriot almost dove onto the rotating device before disappearing in a flash of red light.

Demoman gave a good-natured sigh as he witnessed the eager American dash off. He then walked over to his wardrobe and threw it open. The Scotsman rummaged around in the wooden container for a few moments before withdrawing from the furnishing with a large leather-bound tome in his hands. Tucking the impressively large book under his arm, Demo used his free hand to grab the sheathed Eyelander from its position on the couch and sling it over his shoulder. Walking over to stand next to Garnet, the explosives expert was met with a cocked head from the Gem as she stared at his claymore.

"What? The bloody thing's filled with cursed, head-hunting spirits. If all else fails, we can just use it to slice the paintin' apart if we have to."

Garnet 'hmm'-ed.

Behind them, the teleporter sprang to life in a burst of red light, spitting out an individual. Demo turned away from Garnet to look at the American and…

"Okay! I'm ready!"

Brought his palm to his face with an audible slap of exasperation followed by an annoyed groan. Next to him Garnet stepped forward and gave the patriot a look from head to toe.

"Soldier…" She said, a faint hint of befuddlement entering her tone despite her attempts to hide her emotions, "What are you wearing?"

Indeed, the rocketeer had completely changed his wardrobe since the last time she had seen him. Where his large bowl-like helmet once was, a tall, wide-brim, pointed hat now sat atop his skull, stretching down enough to cover the American's eyes somehow. With a belt-like binding complete with a buckle and orange trimmings on the edge of the brim, it looked like the stereotypical wizard hat-especially considering the white, holographic skull that was orbiting in in lazy circles. His trench coat was still the same, but instead of grenades tied to his bandolier, there were now several glass flasks filled with liquids of various colors. Perhaps the most absurd of all, Soldier had donned a white fake beard-and-mustache combo that completely covered the lower half of his face and stretched down below his upper torso on his coat. Under his right arm he safely tucked his own spellbook, but grasped in his left hand was a short gold rod which had its top carved into the shape of a snarling cat with its 'pupils' filled in with small, circular sapphires.

Upon seeing the golden cat rod/wand, Garnet had to force herself not to take a step backwards reflexively. She then internally berated herself for feeling that way; she _knew_ that the two gemstones in the wand's eyes-and indeed every precious stone the mercenaries had in their clothing-were completely inert and had never even come close to sentience like the Crystal Gems had. But the Gems still felt an instinctive twinge of fear whenever they had donned those particular cosmetics for this reason or the next. However, having worked with the nine for several decades, they had gotten far better at dealing with the idea of their teammates 'wearing' inert gems, so Garnet was able to get the slight tingle of apprehension under control.

The _first_ time something like this had happened wasn't quite as controlled. It certainly took Demo no small amount of self-control to not explode (literally and metaphorically) at them after he had emerged from respawn following an unfortunate misunderstanding and an overreaction on the Gems' part. Luckily his family crown wasn't too heavily damaged, and the crystals they had ripped out were easily replaced with a bit of creative forging.

Pulling her right hand into the protective grasp of her left behind her back, Garnet turned her attention back to Soldier who-clueless as he was-didn't notice the slight twitches in her normally stoic stance and stood proudly, clacking his heels together.

"Professional exorcism gear, Garnet!" Soldier said/yelled, saluting with his cat-wand, "In order to be the best wizard I can be I need to look the part! Those hippie spirits won't be _intimidated_ enough to leave if a normal marine showed up to best them! But they'll crap their ghostly training pants when they get a load of me now!" Soldier's impassioned speech was punctuated by various hand-waving motions and several weird poses from the 'wizard' himself, evidently trying to look as intimidating and 'wizardly' as possible.

Garnet looked nonplussed as she watched the spectacle. Demoman was rubbing the inside of his eyes as if to still the oncoming headache, "Solly, are ye serious?"

"Serious as the Badwater Massacre of 66'! No matter what those damned spirits might throw at me, I won't be caught off-guard!" The 'wizard' pulled one of his flasks off his bandolier and shook it vigorously, "These lucky potions can only grant us victory in the upcoming battle!"

Frowning, Demo lashed his hand out and swiped the flask out of Soldier's grip. The Scotsman held the so-called 'potion' up to the light and squinted at the fluid within. After swirling the flask several times to watch the liquid slosh around and uncorking it to smell the mixture, he turned back to Soldier with a completely expressionless face.

"Soldier…"

"Yes?"

"Ye… _do_ know tha' this is just unrefrigerated jell-o mix, right?"

"Of course! I know that water and food coloring can work as a substitute, but this requires a special touch!"

"… _Why_?"

Soldier seemed to be genuinely confused at this question. He scratched the side of his hat as he gave Demo a quizzical look, "Isn't that how Merasmus makes all of his potions?"

Demo's mind came to a full halt as he processed what Soldier had just said. Then he sighed, tied the 'potion' back onto Soldier's bandolier and walked over to stand on the teleporter, "Let's just get this ova with before I realize that this is a bad idea." He punctuated this with a quick swig from the tin flask at his hip that contained a very special kind of 'potion'.

Soldier glared at the Scotsman-though no one could see his eyes, "And what about you? How do _you_ expect to handle a proper exorcism without changing into proper gear?!"

Demo whipped the Eyelander out of its sheath and held it in front of him, "I am a black Scottish cyclops, whose eye was cursed out by a possessed spellbook tha' contained over a thousand different bomb spells. I fought the Loch Ness Monster wit' nothin' but twentieth-century explosives and _won_. And I wield a cursed sword filled wit' spirits tha' want nothin' more than to decapitate me enemies. Yer argument is invalid."

' _Headssss'_ The Eyelander punctuated with a whisper.

Soldier blinked. Then he shrugged, "Good enough for me!" Before hopping onto the teleporter next to his teammate.

Were Garnet any less disciplined, the snickers she was suppressing would have exploded into full-blown laughter. As it were, the ebony Gem straightened herself out of the humorously exasperated sigh she huffed before joining the duo on the teleporter. Demo pressed a button on his wristband, activating the teleporter and causing the three to disappear in a flash of red.

Traveling at FTL speeds was…an interesting experience. Moreover, it felt fundamentally different than traveling by warp stream. Whereas the latter simply made you feel lighter than air as you traveled through a pocket dimension, the former was a bit more disorienting. At point A, you were broken down into subatomic particles and then basically _flung_ towards your destination-point B-whereupon you were sewn back together by a force that felt uncomfortably like static; an especially strange sensation for a Gem like Garnet, who is normally immune to electricity. Also, seeing as the feeling of being ripped into pieces smaller than atoms felt disturbingly similar to a Gem getting 'poofed', it was easy to see how teleportation would feel disquieting to most Gems. Garnet was not most Gems-though Pearl certainly qualified-and found the sensation of teleportation to be similar to everything that had to do with the mercs: new, radical, strange, more often than not a bit disturbing and sometimes self-destructive, but it usually gets the job done. Case in point, the three ghost-busters flashed into existence on the teleporter within Steven's beach house a fraction of a second later.

This inadvertently caused Steven, who had been laying over the countertop, to lose his balance. With a slight cry of "Woah!", the half-Gem pitched over the side face-first and fell into a heap. Soldier, Demoman and Garnet winced sympathetically; the latter a bit less noticeably than the former two.

"Ye alrigh', lad?" Demo called as he took a step forward to help the child up.

This turned out to be ultimately unnecessary as Steven popped back up without so much as scratch, completely disregarding Demoman's worried tone. He smiled widely at the three, "Ah, Garnet! Demo! Soldier! Perfect!" The half-Gem cheered happily as he picked something up off the counter and held it up for them to see, "Check it out!"

They did just that. Left to his own devices, Steven had apparently taken up the task of making his own breakfast. Rather than a simple bowl of cereal the half-Gem had apparently decided that such a meal wouldn't be good enough, and had thrown together his own impressive dish.

Balanced precariously upon a flat plate was a towering creation that could've given IHOP a run for their money. Four golden-brown toaster waffles drenched in a fair amount of maple syrup made up the main body of the confection. Atop the waffles was a mound of whipped cream with a single strawberry stuck in the dead center of the tower. All around the plate and sunk into the whipped cream was two bag's worth of microwave popcorn. The mercenaries didn't think it looked half bad and even Garnet-who didn't need to eat at all and rarely participated in such activities-thought it was impressive, at least in presentation.

"I know it's not exactly _healthy_ ," Steven continued after giving the three a brief moment to admire his creation. The half-Gem walked around the kitchen counter to stand in front of them as he spoke, "But it's in a stack. So I guess you could say it's a… _balanced breakfast?"_

Garnet was nonplussed in the face of such a terrible pun. Demo chuckled only slightly at how bad the humor was. Soldier just frowned, though it was impossible to tell through his All-Father's beard.

Seeing a lack of humorous reaction, Steven's smiling face withered after a few seconds. Eventually he got it under control, "Y'know, like, I made us all breakfast! So we could eat together like-like best buds!"

He looked so happy and determined, Demo thought it slightly cruel to crush the boy's hopes, "Och, sorry lad. We're not sticking around."

"Demoman is right, Steven," Garnet interjected as she moved to the Crystal Temple's door-though she too felt bad about disappointing Steven, "There's business to attend to inside the temple." The Gem punctuated her statement by holding her palms out to the door, exposing her two pink/brown gems to the door. The precious stones that were the core of Garnet's being glowed strongly with pink light. Sensing the magic signal, the door resonated with its own energy. Two of the five circles on the star glowed brightly; one with a sharp red energy, while its neighbor pulsed with a calm blue shade. Recognizing the Gem, two lines of red/pink energy split diagonally from the sides of the door, meeting a third line of energy that had sprung straight up from the bottom. After the three lines met the door split apart along them into three parts that were retracted into the doorframe. Garnet allowed her hands to relax after the door had opened.

"Aw…" Steven groaned sadly, "Business? Like what?" He set his breakfast concoction back on the counter and turned his attention to the group fully. It was only then that Steven's gaze fell on the now dressed-up Soldier. He took the American's appearance in stride though, "And why is Soldier dressed up like a wizard?"

"I AM WEARING PROFESSIONAL EXORCISM GEAR, CADET!" The patriot cried, causing Demo to facepalm nearby, "I require only the finest clothing and armaments in order to be most effective in my upcoming mission!" Soldier struck a pose that did not make him look any more impressive.

Steven, however, thought differently, "Wow, cool! What do you need it for?"

"A very good question!" Soldier said with gusto as he swiped the purple painting out from under Garnet's arm, "Our mission, as we chose to accept it, is to exorcise the evil spirits plaguing this picture and then BURN it!"

He then unraveled the painting so that Steven could see it better. For a few moments, the half-Gem was completely mesmerized by the strange picture and the ghostly wails emanating from it. The seconds stretched on, up to a point where Demo believed that the spirits in the paper had attempted to hypnotize Steven. The Scotsman was about to snap the boy out of it with some distasteful bagpipe music when Steven suddenly smiled, "Coooool!" He said as he pulled out his phone from his pocket.

Garnet and Demo blanched, "Steven, wait!"

"Don't-!"

* _click_ *flash*

Their warning came too late; Steven had already taken a picture of the demonic paper and was now admiring the digital replica. Still holding the original painting, Soldier blinked.

"Uh…oops."

Garnet stepped over to the American and, somehow managing to look displeased while maintaining her stoic visage, took the possessed paper out of his hands and rolled it back up. Soldier had enough decency to look at least a little abashed under the Gem's gaze. Then Garnet reached over to Steven and pulled the phone out of the young boy's grasp, "Ah!"

Garnet regarded the human device for a half-second, "We have to burn this now, too," She gave the boy an apologetic look, "Sorry Steven."

"What?! Why?"

"It'd take too long to explain," Demo said as he shoved Soldier into the Crystal Temple with a grimace. He dusted his hands off before turning back to Steven, "Just don't take any more pictures of stuff we say we gotta destroy. I'll tell Engie ta make ye a new phone once we're done." With that, the demolitions expert crossed the threshold into the Crystal Temple's Burning Room. He was followed closely by Garnet, who closed the Temple door behind her. Once the door had shut, the cyclops walked over to Soldier and cuffed him on the back of his head.

"The bloody hell d'you think ye're doin', showing him tha' picture?"

Looking miffed, the American straightened his wizard's hat out before replying, "Steven wanted to know the parameters of our mission! I didn't think that he'd make such a rookie mistake as to take a picture of a cursed artifact!"

"Rookie mistake…? HE BLOODY WELL _IS_ A ROOKIE YE BLOCKHEAD!" Demo ranted at his teammate, "We've never told 'im _not_ to take a picture of anyting magic, _'cause we've never told him about curses!_ O'course he'd try something stupid with the picture! He don't know any better! What the hell would'ya do if the picture tried to possess 'im?"

"Exorcise Steven of course." Soldier said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Demoman blinked for a moment before sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose, "Right, yes of course tha's what ye'd do…" He grumbled to himself. The Scotsman then turned to Garnet, who had been standing off to the side since they had entered the room, "Oi, Garnet! What's our game plan?"

The Gem looked up from where she had been studying Steven's phone alongside the possessed article at Demoman's call. Garnet then took the device in her hands and snapped it in half like a candy bar.

"First, I'm going to burn Steven's phone." She declared matter-of-factly as she walked over to the lava pit in the center of the room and tossed the two halves of the electronic into the molten rock. The three watched as the cell phone began emitting a strange caustic black smoke which seemed to wail as it dissipated into the air.

Demo grimaced as he watched the last wisps of ethereal smoke dissipate into the air, "Hope he didn't have anything important on tha'…"

"Now, we must break the seal on this paper keeping it from being damaged," The ebony Gem said as she levitated the image above the lava pit, ignoring Demo's most recent comment, "I'll need your help with this."

Soldier saluted the Gem, while Demo opted instead for a simple nod. The two walked around the pit of lava to stand equidistant from each other and Garnet and opened their spellbooks. While under most circumstances the mercenaries would only be able to use their magic during auspicious times as stated earlier, the Crystal Temple was literally saturated with magic. It was effectively a never-ending twilight for magic spells. Perfect for deep, in depth exorcisms such as now. Demoman held out a hand and pointed at the cursed image. His empty eye socket glowed green.

" _Deus invictus!"_

An ethereal circle of bright red energy blossomed into existence around the Gem-infused paper, wrapping it in a cocoon of magic and holding it steady. Demo felt something in the paper shift as the Gem fragments responded to the outside threat. They pushed against the Scotsman's magic binds, probing for a weakness.

' _Good luck with that._ ' Demoman thought with a smirk; with how many enchanted and/or cursed objects Team Fortress had encountered over the years he was basically an old pro at exorcisms. There was no way the Gems in the paper would be escaping his hold anytime soon. All he had to do was stay focused.

Across from him, Soldier had flipped to a specific page in his spellbook before holding his wand out at arm's length, " _Capatus crepitus!"_ The sapphire eyes on his cat-wand flashed brightly as a stream of black fire spewed from its mouth, encircling the paper. This flame was actually less dangerous than it looked; it was basically a slow-acting dispel that sapped away the energy from a different spell. Not much use in combat, given its slow-acting nature, but excellent for dissolving protective wards-such as deconstructing a magic seal protecting something from being damaged.

Garnet frowned as the pained shrieks of the trapped Gems increased in intensity. She was used to dealing with such cursed artifacts, but it didn't lessen the pain she felt when she had to destroy them. The Gems within the paper were-in only the barest sense of the word-sentient. It was a crime to let them continue to exist in their current state, yet they were still _alive_. They could feel the pain of their magic being stripped away by Soldier's, Demo's and her own energy. It was a mercy killing, but the fragments didn't appear to agree with them.

The ebony Gem furrowed her brow as she felt the Gem fragments push against her hold on them, desperate to flee from their imminent destruction, only to crash against Garnet's iron will and Demoman's unshakeable stubbornness. The two pushed back with a force of their own will and forced the fragments' energy back into place.

Garnet shook her head to clear those thoughts away; she couldn't afford such indecision in the middle of an exorcism. The slightest deviation of will would cause the fragile hold she had on the cursed paper to break. That would provide the fragments a way to escape their prison and wreak havoc upon the Temple. And if they came into contact with organic matter…

But the chances of such a future occurring were in the single digits, especially considering the help she had from Soldier and Demoman. The only way the fragments would be able to escape now would be if all three of them somehow lost focus at the exact same moment. And really, what were the chances of that happening?

* * *

 _Seven minutes and forty-five seconds later…_

"Well _that_ went pear-shaped fast."

This was stated by Soldier who, while being lightly covered in whipped cream and chocolate sauce, stared at the mess of breakfast food that was now littering the Burning Room. He hefted his smoking rocket launcher over his shoulder and looked to Garnet, who was brushing bits of waffle out of her clothes.

Garnet nodded wordlessly to the rocketeer. Internally, she was berating herself for tempting fate just a few minutes ago. She really should have known better than to do so within ten miles of Team Fortress.

Okay, _technically_ this really wasn't their fault (but it was _so_ easy to blame them for the extra-weird things happening in their lives); if anything it was the fault of both Amethyst and Pearl for not getting Steven out of the Crystal Temple when they had the chance, but in reality that was a blameless crime. Really, the only thing Garnet had to blame was Steven's sense of perfect timing. Both a blessing and a curse-especially considering what had just happened.

Just a few minutes ago, Steven had slid down into the Burning Room via the tubes that ran through the length of the Temple and connected to the Crystal Heart. So engrossed were Soldier, Demo and Garnet that none of them noticed anything wrong, even after Pearl and Amethyst joined him. It was only after Steven finally said something out loud in the echo-y cavern that any of the exorcising trio noticed him.

Unfortunately, at that _exact moment_ , the outer layer of magic keeping the spirits bound to the paper was stripped away and burned. Garnet's focus wavered for a second, and the shards found an opening to exploit. Pearl, Amethyst and even Demoman and Soldier tried to help keep hold of the vicious miasma but to little effect. The shard manifested as a cloud of vicious black energy and attacked the six in an attempt to escape. Pearl and Garnet summoned their weapons while Demoman unsheathed the Eyelander and Soldier pulled out his launcher.

Amethyst, meanwhile, ran over to the nearby door without so much as a backwards glance. The purple Gem then unlocked the door and held it open to the outside world, all the while holding her personal cell phone up to her ear.

Pearl had been about to berate the young Gem, but the miasma's attack silenced her complaints for the moment as the alabaster Gem struck back and tried to keep the cloud from escaping. Coupled with Garnet, Soldier's powerful munitions and Demoman's cursed sword, they actually had a decent chance of containing the corrupt cloud with little to no injuries on their side.

Then fate had to be a bitch _yet again_ when the miasma noticed Steven still holding his 'Together Breakfast' out. Seeing an opening the cloud pushed forward and possessed the unhealthy concoction. Seconds later the breakfast mutated into a giant monster and renewed its attacks on the defender of the Burning Room. Though weak in its gaseous form, the shards were able to create a physical avatar by using the organic matter in the breakfast. This allowed them to strike back at the four who were keeping it contained. With Pearl and Demoman trapped in a sticky mess of whipped cream and Soldier and herself stuck behind a giant waffle, Garnet had almost despaired.

Of course, absolution had arrived in the form of bullets and fire as the remaining seven mercenaries came charging through the Temple door that Amethyst was holding open. Apparently the youngest Gem had called Scout and informed him of the situation, and then _Scout_ had let out a warning to the others. A minute later and everyone was geared up for battle and raring to go. As soon as they spotted the breakfast-monster, a good six of seven turned to glare at Soldier even as the patriot crawled out from his waffle prison. This was completely justified of course, as Garnet had heard about the 'Expiration Date' incident a couple decades back. There was a reason why Team Fortress had a Code: Wheat for evil, sentient edible matter in the first place. While Demoman had been quick to profess Soldier's innocence in the matter, it was clear that Spy and Scout at least still thought that it was somehow Soldier's fault.

Again, completely justified to anyone who had spent a weekend with that man.

Now with more than twice as many fighters in the room, the possessed breakfast went down quickly. It certainly helped that the monster's premiere weakness appeared to be fire, one which Pyro seemed all too happy to exploit. Add to that eight more pissed-off mercenaries and three super-powered Gem warriors, and the breakfast monster was swiftly backed into a corner.

Oddly enough, the finishing blow came from Steven, who had carried the plate which held the main mass of the Gem shards to the lava pit in the center of the room. The half-Gem summoned all of his otherworldly strength in pushing that horrid monster into the lava. The 'Together Breakfast' burned off, releasing the Gem shards it housed and destroying them as well.

All in all, it seemed as a very successful defense of the Temple; none of the bubbled Gems or Gem artifacts were freed in the chaotic scuffle in spite of the copious amount of ricochet and powerful explosions. Nobody died or received any serious injuries (technically several of the mercenaries received hairline fractures, but Medic fixed those up in a second) and the possessed paper was successfully, if untraditionally, exorcised. What was there to complain about?

Well, if Pearl would have her way, she would make a fuss about the huge mess that now filled the Burning Room and Garnet was at least partially inclined to agree with her. Do you know how hard it is to get burned whipped cream and chocolate syrup off of a stone surface? _Without_ using water because really, you'd have to be a special kind of stupid to bring several buckets of water into a room filled with lava. One wrong slip, one dumped bucket and you'll be steam-cooked in no time.

Then again, both Garnet and Pyro were remarkably resistant to high temperatures (the former more so than the latter), so steam probably wouldn't be much more than an inconvenience for them. Maybe they could take of this problem on their own…

Garnet turned back to the center of the room; she was getting off track again. This is exactly why she failed to consider that the minute chance of the exorcism proceeding incorrectly earlier today. The ebony Gem grunted as she walked over to Steven who was still staring into the lava pit. While getting slammed around by a giant waffle wasn't particularly damaging, it certainly left Garnet a bit sore. Medic, noticing the Gem's slightly limping gait, turned his medigun on her as she passed. Feeling much better Garnet finally took a look behind her and found that most of the mercenaries were grouped up and following her lead to Steven.

The half-Gem turned to his guardians when he heard them approaching. The piteous, disappointed, and overall upset expression on the young boy's face was more than enough to prevent Garnet from opening with a stern lecture. How the hell could she when Steven looked at her like that?

"Sorry guys," Steven said in such a sad little voice that didn't fit the boy's usually optimistic disposition. The half-Gem turned back to the lava pit and sighed when he beheld the remains of his Together Breakfast within, "I didn't mean to make such a mess of things…I guess I just dreamed too big." Soft sigh.

Dammit, Garnet was cracking under Steven's unintentional guilt tripping. By the shuffling sounds behind her, she could tell that most of the others felt the same way. Steven's words did have a bit of a hidden message behind them; unless they were all out on a group mission the inhabitants of the beach house's two inner sanctums it was seldom to see all twelve of them together. Steven probably thought that a group breakfast might be just what was needed to get everyone together. It just so happened that a very unfortunate set of circumstances led to a monster attack within the Temple itself.

Worst of all, Garnet couldn't _really_ fault Steven for his logic here nor for his ignorance. It was all twelve of their number who made the decision to keep sensitive information from the young half-Gem until such a time as they deemed him ready to handle it. Of course the boy knew nothing of how dangerous the Crystal Temple truly was, they never told him about it. He just wanted to spend at least one breakfast with his 'family' all in one place.

It was all of this knowledge and the rather bleak futures Garnet saw where they reprimanded Steven that spurred the ebony Gem into action. She closed the distance between her and Steven and crouched down to his level. She set a comforting hand on the youth's back, "Well, maybe not." She said cryptically.

Steven gave her a look of confusion, "Huh?"

* * *

"Pyro, how's that popcorn comin' along?"

"Nnlmmstt dnnn!"

"Amethyst, would you please refrain from eating the syrup _before_ we put it on the plate?"

"Hmmm, nah."

"More whipped cream! I SAY MORE WHIPPED CREAM!"

"Soldier, give me zhe can before I have to sedate you. _Again_."

"Comin' through! Outta the way!"

"Waffles are very hot. Do not touch just yet."

It was like a dream come true for Steven. Everyone was together, as in one place, and they _weren't_ fighting some giant monster or hordes of robots. They were just hanging out without any fear or world-saving pressure hanging over their heads. This is exactly what Steven had hoped for this morning when he had first created 'Together Breakfast 1.0'.

Well, destroying his own possessed creation after it was brought to life by some horrible smoke monster wasn't exactly part of the half-Gem's original plan, but it all worked out in the end. In fact, it seemed to have worked out for the better.

Garnet, Heavy and Engineer were all taking care of making the waffles. Amethyst, Spy, Sniper and Demo all held bottles of chocolate syrup and-in Demoman's case-some non-alcoholic molasses. Pyro and Scout were making sure that the popcorn cooked properly over by the stove (Pyro had wanted an open flame, but since the fireplace was too small, this was its compromise). Pearl, Medic and an overly enthusiastic Soldier held cans of whipped cream at the ready (Soldier was still in his wizard get-up).

They worked like a well-oiled machine as they started stacking the 'Together Breakfast v 2.0' on the plate. Expertly-toasted, golden brown waffles fell on the plate in four perfect symmetrical stacks-Engineer made sure to keep them perfectly balanced. Next, team Whipped Cream and Team Chocolate Syrup attacked the towers, leaving no citizens alive and painting their respective marks all over the Belgian breakfast pastries. Next the popcorn bombing run swept through, leaving a mess of fluffy white kernels all over the confection. Everyone stepped back to admire their work. It looked very well.

Steven, however, knew there was one last step to complete this masterpiece. Carefully, and with a steady hand, Steven searched for the perfect place to set a lone strawberry to top it off. After a few seconds and a near mistake, the half-Gem finally set the strawberry down dead-center.

"It looks perfect!" Steven said to a sea of happy smiles as he and his guardians beheld the new and improved, four-times larger Together Breakfast; the product of their own very diligent work, "It's even more together and even _more_ breakfast!" Steven edged the plate closer to him and the others, "Now we can all…dig in…"

Steven's voice trailed off as he continued to stare at the unhealthy concoction in front of him. This continued for several seconds before Steven spoke up again.

"I don't think I can eat this."

There was a chorus of relieved sighs behind him.

"Oh, thank _God._ " Scout said as he slumped against the wall.

"I must admit, I've lost my appetite for zhis meal since we've had to kill it not five minutes ago." Medic sniffed as he stared disdainfully at the counter.

"Reminds me of time after Bread-Monster fight." Heavy grunted, "Is not surprising that we have no stomach for this now."

"You're all _maggots._ Every last one of you!"

Soldier pushed ahead of everyone else, ignoring their insulted looks and took the plate in his hands, "When you beat a man in the field of war, you are supposed to eat their hearts in order to gain their power!"

"Ew…" Steven grimaced.

"Now we have a perfect opportunity in front of us, and all of you want to _wuss out?_ Well, not me!" With the girliest battle roar any of them had ever seen, Soldier plunged his face directly into the plate holding the Together Breakfast and began devouring it.

For a brief moment, everyone else just wanted the spectacle. Amethyst then turned to the group at large.

"You guys just wanna order some pizza?"

"Yeah."

"Aye."

"Sounds good."

Garnet gave the Together Breakfast another glance as it was consumed by Soldier's incredibly poor table manners before shrugging, "It _did_ try to kill us."

"NO BREAKFAST WILL DEFEAT ME! _ESPECIALLY_ NOT A PRIMARILY BELGIAN BREAKFAST! NUM NUM NUM!"

"Is he going to be okay?" Steven said as he watched the patriot continue to messily consume the fruit of their labors.

"Oh, he's going to be just fine, Steven," Medic said absentmindedly as he flicked the top of a syringe he had taken from the inside of his coat.

"He's going to be just _fine_."

* * *

 _ **Server Map Change initiated. Disconnecting from current map.**_

 _ **Retrieving server info…Sending client info…Connection established.**_

 _ **Now loading…epsd_frybro**_

As Steven ducked under Frybo's long-armed sweep, he thought about where exactly his plan to help Peedee had gone wrong.

He had found his friend, Peedee Fryman, out in front of his father's snack bar (they didn't _just_ sell fries, it's just what they excelled at) dancing feebly inside of a costume made to look like an anthropomorphic fry pod with a wide, buck-toothed smile and large fries as hair. While Steven found the costume to be a certain degree of cool, the youngest Fryman apparently thought differently. Peedee wanted to impress his father by showing that he could help out at the family fry shack but being shoved into a sweaty, constricting suit wasn't what he had in mind. So, in the interest of being a good friend, Steven donned the suit so that Peedee might be able to relax for a bit.

He was then immediately assaulted by a seagull. Steven didn't know why, but for some reason the seagulls of Beach City apparently had it out for him. It wasn't so bad if he was with one of the Gems or one of the mercenaries-they seemed to have at least some kind of self-preservation sense. After a particular incident which involved Pyro, Amethyst and an indignant flock, the rest of the seagulls decided that attacking Steven near his family was tantamount to a death sentence.

Steven didn't think that seagulls would taste particularly good, but given how slowly Amethyst ate the one Pyro roasted, they apparently were very flavorful. Though he still had no idea why Amethyst left the bones behind near the seagulls' nesting grounds; she usually ate small animals whole.

Anyways, after fending off the homicidal seagull and removing the suit, Steven came up with another idea to help Peedee _be_ Frybo without really being inside the suit. Earlier that morning, Pearl had come up to Steven asking if he had seen a Gem shard. At the time Steven hadn't, as the half-Gem was occupied with looking for his jeans which had also gone missing. Steven did have several pairs, but the fact that the specific set of jeans he had laid out for today had bothered him slightly. So after a long and arduous search, the half-Gem finally found his missing jeans.

They were running around the inside of his beach house of their own accord. Taking only a moment to declare how unusual the situation was, Steven tackled his renegade pants and trapped them, causing a Gem shard to pop out from one of the pockets. Immediately after the shard left the pants, they lost all of their 'life' and returned to being a simple set of jeans. Realizing that this was the very shard that Pearl had been looking for earlier, Steven placed the shard inside of a sock and-after getting the animated piece of clothing to stop hitting him-ran outside to find the aforementioned Gem.

While he had instead encountered Peedee rather than Pearl, Steven still held the sock-trapped Gem shard with him. Knowing that the shard could animate clothing, Steven tossed it inside of the suit and waited for it to come to life. And come to life it did, growing a set of its own legs out of fries.

Though mildly disturbing, the suit did indeed follow any orders Steven or Peedee gave it. It also fooled Peedee's father who had come out to see how 'Frybo' was doing. After a brief interlude, Peedee gave Frybo one last command before he and Steven left for the boardwalk.

Yet Peedee still seemed upset even as he rode the coveted Seahorse ride he had been so adamant about reliving once again. It seemed as though taking on the role of 'Frybo', not matter how briefly, had taken something out of the youngest Fryman. Ever the optimist, Steven tried to switch rides with Peedee to see if his mood would improve. However, the duo was interrupted by an anguished scream that seemed to originate from the fry shop. Quickly the two sprinted over to Peedee's family shop to discover the problem.

The problem was Frybo, though it looked vastly different from before. A facsimile of red and blue veins ran crisscrossed all over the suit's body and into its eyes. Its fry-hair had morphed into horrendous prehensile tendrils that pulled innocent bystanders back to itself. With its captive audience, Frybo stuffed their mouths full of delicious fries, though to the point where it might be difficult for a person to breathe.

In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to tell the suit to _make_ people eat fries, instead of saying to make them _want_ to eat fries.

One of the captive patrons happened to be Peedee's father. Seeing his father in danger spurred the youngest Fryman into action, causing him to throw a fallen board at the back of Frybo's head and getting the suit's attention. Though this had the desired effect, the situation quickly soured as Frybo now ignored any of the orders Peedee and Steven sent it. As such, Frybo continued to follow the last command it received and struck at the two with a powerful sweeping attack.

Steven ducked under the swipe just in time and tackled Peedee so that they both landed under the cover of an overturned table. Now protected, Peedee gave Steven a horrified look.

"Why isn't he listening anymore?!" He panicked.

"I don't know!" Steven cried back, less frightened than his friend, though still pretty terrified. The half-Gem peeked over the top of their impromptu cover to get a view of what Frybo was doing. The animated suit looked around for a moment, searching for the two missing targets it had seen just a second ago before turning back to the captive Mr. Smiley and stuffing his face full of fries. The possessed suit only stopped once the man had passed out and then moved on to the next.

Peedee ran a hand through his hair, "We-we gotta do something! That thing's _attacking_ people! It's got my dad!" The youngest Fryman attempted to rise out from behind the table only for Steven to pull him back down again.

"You can't! He'll mash your potatoes!"

"AAUUGH!"

The two turned back to the fry shop at the sound of another anguished cry. From the prison that was Frybo's domain, Lars sprinted past Steven and Peedee's hiding spot, dodging the fry-tendrils that tried to grab at his heels. He tripped over a broken stool and landed face-first on the sand, though thankfully out of Frybo's reach. The teen flipped onto his back and stared as the monstrosity emerged from the fry shop and screamed at him.

"KILL IT!" Lars cried aloud in hysterics, pointing a shaking finger at the costume as it slowly ambled towards him. He crawled backwards on the sand as fast as he possibly could, "KILL IT WITH FIRE!" Lars flipped back around onto all fours and scrambled to his feet just as a fry tendril whipped at his heels.

Frybo watched Lars escape into the city for a few moments. It then slowly, almost agonizingly, turned around, spotting Steven and Peedee. The two youths flinched when its soulless gaze landed on them.

"Whu-oh." Steven said. Peedee just whimpered.

Frybo let out another blood-curdling shriek and stomped towards them, intent on making them eat delicious greasy fried potato straws. The two children stood up and turned to start running away from the possessed costume when Steven spotted something. Or rather, some _one_.

"Pearl!" Steven cried at the alabaster Gem as she ran towards them, still holding the seven shards suspended in a bubble she levitated with her right hand. Her face looked haggard as she spotted the demonic fry suit shrieking and waving its fry-tendrils about.

"Steven!" Pearl shouted as she turned her gaze to the half-Gem, "Did you put my missing shard in that fry costume?"

"Yes!"

The Gem blanched, "Didn't you hear what I said about the living armor and the infantries and the many _many_ deaths?!"

"No!"

Pearl sighed and rubbed her gem with her free hand, "Oh, Steven." She then summoned her spear with a flash of white light and leapt in front of Frybo. The possessed suit swung at her with one of its large swollen fists. Pearl effortlessly dodged the clumsy attack and retaliated by delivering a powerful kick to the costume's center, knocking it back. The alabaster Gem dashed up to the stunned suit and stabbed it in the eye with her spear, intent on shredding the fabric.

What the Gem did not expect was the sudden burst of thick red and yellow liquid that sprayed everywhere.

"Gah!" Pearl cried as the ketchup and mustard splashed onto her, "It's-it's in my eyes! I can't see!" She accidentally dropped the bubble of Gem shards she had been holding earlier as she reached up and began furiously wiping her eyes to clear them.

On the other side of the blow, Frybo let out an unearthly scream as its eye was pierced and struggled to move its large unwieldly arms up to pick the spear out from its eye. Using the suit as a body gave it a physical form, but that also allowed it to become injured.

For a few seconds the fight came to a standstill as both combatants struggled to deal with their ailments. Frybo recovered first, giving up on removing the large spear and simply screaming in rage before bolting towards the blinded Pearl.

Steven gasped, "Pearl, look out!"

But the pale Gem was already on the move. While she lacked vision at the moment, she could still hear the Frybo suit as it stumbled towards her on clumsy legs. Pearl spared only a moment to steady her footing before she leapt away from the possessed suit and out of line from its bull-rush. The agile Gem landed and resumed scrabbling at her eyes to clear away the gunk that clogged them. Frybo slid and came to a shaky stop once it realized that its adversary had evaded it again. It whirled around until it pinpointed her once again and started another charge at the blinded Gem.

That was, until an abnormally large flare collided with its side and setting the dry outer fabric on fire. Frybo's rage-filled battle cry turned into tortured wails as it dropped to the ground and swatted at the flames, desperately trying to put itself out. After a few seconds the costume was ultimately successful, though the severely burned and singed cloth on its side wasn't exactly a pretty sight.

"What's going on?" Pearl said-still trying to remove the condiments that blinded her-hearing everything that happened but unable to put the sounds together, "Steven, what just happened?"

"Frybo just got set on fire!" Steven exclaimed in amazement as he looked around, "But I don't see what…" The half-Gem's voice trailed off as he gazed down the street where Lars had just fled moments ago.

Because there, with a hand on its hip and a smoking flare gun in its free hand, was Pyro. The suited behemoth popped its smoking weapon open before shoving an additional flare into the chamber and flicking it shut once again. Frybo roared at this new challenger and barreled towards its opponent.

This gave Pyro all the time in the world to line up its next shot.

* * *

 _Minutes earlier…_

"Here you go guys, one Boston Crème, one double-glazed apple fritter, one strawberry-jelly-filled and a dozen powdered sugars with nacho cheese on the side."

The rabble-rousers of Beach City smiled eagerly at Sadie as she set the doughnut boxes on the counter for them. Amethyst looked especially excited as her rather large order made its way to her. After Pyro, Scout and Demoman took their own pastries off the stack the purple Gem swiped the large box on the bottom away and threw it open, displaying two rows of powdered sugar-coated doughnuts and a medium-sized cup filled with nacho cheese. Amethyst smiled her trademark grin at the cashier, "Thanks Sadie!"

The short blonde smiled at her four most regular customers as they tore into their doughnuts with gusto, "You've welcome Amethyst," She then frowned ever-so-slightly, "I…will have to charge you extra for using nacho cheese as a side, though."

Her mouth already filled with cheese-covered doughnuts, Amethyst rudely elbowed Demoman, who was enjoying his double-glazed fritter. The Scotsman rolled his remaining eye as he dug out his wallet and thumbed through the bills.

"I'm not gonna do this every time we go somewhere, ye know." He said, disgruntled as he handed Sadie a few bucks.

Scout snickered, "Yeah, you just keep sayin' that. Maybe someday you'll actually mean it."

"I _do_ mean it."

"Suuuuuure ya do. Just like the last ten times ya said it. And the ten times before _that_."

Demoman grumbled as Amethyst broke into her signature barking laughter-spraying bits of donut everywhere-along with Pyro who had erupted into giggles at his expense. Even Sadie, normally mild-mannered and sympathetic, smiled faintly. Discounting their weirdness, and their dealings in magic, these four were some of her most regular sources of income and, dare she say it, pretty good friends as well. It certainly helped that three of the four of them acted much younger than they probably were. Settling down for a nice over-donuts chat, Sadie leaned over the counter, "So, what's the occasion?"

Amethyst huffed out a frustrated breath, "We had to get out of the house today," The purple Gem stuffed a donut into her maw and, after barely three seconds of chewing, swallowed it with a mighty gulp, "Pearl popped some bubble by accident and let out all of these Gem shards all over the place. Now she's going through all of our stuff just to find this last piece. She's _really_ getting anal about it."

"Muh-huh," Pyro said happily as it pressed its jelly donut against its rebreather. Though none of the dough made it past the barrier, a fair amount of jelly did manage to creep through. There was a muffled sound of slurping as the firebug sucked up the processed strawberry goop.

Scout licked his finger after polishing off the last of his Boston Crème, "Yeah, she's been getting' on all our cases about it. I had to go through _everythin'_ in my room _twice_ before she believed that it wasn't there!"

Amethyst looked at her partner with a jealous glare, "Only _twice_? Pearl and Garnet made me go through my whole room _four times_ before they finally let me go! And that was only _after_ they completely destroyed my system!" The short Gem grumbled as she chewed another donut in anger, "And I had just got everything back to normal after Pearl 'fixed' it earlier."

Demoman shrugged, "I don't think Pearl's being too bad about this, she only checked me room once 'afore she let me go."

"Lucky." Scout and Amethyst both mumbled.

Sadie turned to the last member of their little party, Pyro, who was still sucking jelly from its donut like a vampire sucks blood, and arched a quizzical brow at it. "What about Pyro?"

Amethyst blew a rather loud and rude raspberry, "Puh-lease, you think that 'perfect and flawless' Pearl would be able to stand being in Pyro's room?"

Everyone turned to look at the firebug, who had turned away from all of them and was looking down the street at something only it could see. Demo, Scout and Amethyst shuddered subconsciously. Sadie just looked a little uncomfortable, "Okay…I guess I could see that."

The three quasi-normal customers turned back to Sadie with uncomfortable expressions. Demo looked around for a little bit before finally opening his mouth, "So…er, how're ye doing today?"

Sadie turned her gaze away from Pyro and refocused on the Scotsman, "Huh?...Oh! I'm actually doing pretty good. Today's actually been a pretty slow workday, aside from you three I haven't had many customers, not even Steven stopped by," Sadie chuckled as a thought occurred to her, "Ha, Lars is going to be upset when he realizes that he left early on the one day that Steven wouldn't be visiting."

Amethyst looked around, glaring slightly, "Hey, where is long, tan and jerky anyway?"

On several occasions, some of the mercs and Gems had paid a visit to the Big Donut with Steven in tow. This had led to the unavoidable confrontation between Steven and the donut shop's male employee, Lars. Very much a typical angsty teenager, Lars treated anything 'immature' or 'childlike' with disdain, as such traits were reserved to the weird and/or social outcasts. The teen had developed an unhealthy obsession with being 'cool' in the world's eyes, or at the very least he yearned to appear 'normal'. Steven, a happy, friendly, touchy-feely child who relished in all things simple in life, was basically an antithesis for everything the teen stood for. It certainly didn't help that Steven had twelve even weirder family members, with only nine of them approaching anything remotely close to 'human'. This caused Lars to develop a moderate aversion to Steven, and usually brushed off most of the younger boy's attempts at developing a friendly relationship. Well, at least on his own side; you can't really do much to dissuade him once Steven considers you a friend. As such, Lars is rude, flippant, and haughty towards Steven, but never outright insults him or tries to hurt his feelings. Lars mostly just wants Steven to leave him alone, yet the half-Gem doesn't understand the meaning of the phrase.

Of course, if one of Steven's guardians was in the vicinity when Lars was acting like himself around Steven, things could get ugly pretty quickly. The first time Soldier had taken Steven to the Big Donut, the patriot had ended up chasing the teen around town with his trusty shovel, bellowing something about 'taking his lumps like a man'.

No one was hurt, thankfully, not even Lars, but such an experience set the tone that every one of Steven's guardians usually adopted around the teen. Needless to say, this ensured that Lars was terrified of Steven's family.

Sadie shrugged, "He's taking a few hours for a break right now. I think he wanted to meet up with the 'cool kids'." She made air quotes when she said that.

Scout quirked a brow.

"You know, Sour Cream, Buck Dewy and Jenny Pizza."

"Ah, 'kay I geddit. …Ya okay with him doin' that?"

"Yeah, I'm fine with it. He did ask me before leaving. I know Lars can get a little…harsh sometimes, but he's really a great guy at heart. Besides, he said he'd come back before our shift was over."

"Eh, if you say so," Scout said noncommittally as he watched Amethyst finish the last of her cheese-covered donuts and choke down the box they were in as well. It really was a spectacle, "Personally though, don't be surprised when he doesn't show up. He's prolly off just screwin' around with his new 'best friends'or whatev-"

"SADIE WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!"

This was screamed by a disheveled, panicking, fry-covered Lars as he slammed through the entrance of the Big Donut. So unexpected was his arrival that Scout slipped off the table he was leaning on and fell into a heap.

"OW!"

"Lars?" Sadie said as she walked around the counter to stand in front of the panicked teen. The smaller young woman gripped her coworker's hands in her own in order to steady Lars's trembling, "What's going on?"

The teen looked over his shoulder at the boardwalk behind him, still twitching in fear, "There's some kind of-of monster over at Beach Citywalk Fries!"

"Monster?" Sadie said, surprised.

"Beach Citywalk?" Demo mumbled to himself as he helped Scout up to his feet.

"Fries?" Amethyst said, already disregarding the monster. The Gem received a semi-annoyed look from Demoman when he heard her. Amethyst shrugged, "What? Come on, if it was _really_ dangerous, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be here right now." She said as she pointed to Lars. The teen in question whimpered at the implication.

Demoman shook his head and walked over to the two employees of the Big Donut, "What type o' monster are we dealing with, exactly?"

"It was…" Lars shook his head for a moment, "You're gonna think this is crazy, but I _swear_ that it was Fryman's old costume that he used in advertising. I think he called it…Frybo? Anyways, the thing looked _wrong_ , it had veins all over it and its fries were flying all over the place. They're no way it's just someone messing around in the suit."

Demo shared a look with his partners for a second, "Ye don't think…?"

"It's gotta be," Amethyst said as she stepped up to the Scotsman, "Pearl kept going on and on about how the shards were used in making possessed garments and how they turned on their handlers or whatever. This sounds way too similar to be a coincidence," The purple Gem thought for a moment before groaning loudly, "Man, this means that even though I didn't have the stupid thing, I _still_ gotta go fix the mess that _Pearl_ made."

Scout quirked a brow at her, "I thought you loved making a mess out of another mess."

"Common misconception, I just hate having to be responsible."

"Ah, I get that."

Ignoring the duo's banter, Demo continued to interrogate Lars for more information, "What's the suit doing that's got ye running scared? Is it near anyone else that it could hurt?"

"It's got a couple of people trapped in the fry shack and for some reason, it keeps feeding them fries."

Demoman blinked, "Well tha' doesn't sound so-"

"Like, handfuls at a time," Lars continued, making gestures with his hands that he had loosened from Sadie's grip, "And the thing won't stop until your mouth is completely stuffed!" Lars shuddered and Sadie had to pat him on the back a few times before the traumatized teen could continue, "I think I almost suffocated…"

"Och…" Demo winced as he heard Lars's extended explanation, "Okay _that_ sounds pretty bad, actually," He punctuated this statement by reaching into his pouch and withdrawing his signature grenade launcher, "Lucky that we never leave home without our kit."

Sadie's eyes bulged as she stared at the heavy munitions weapon that was seemingly contained in a bag far too small for it, "Have you guys been bringing _weapons_ with you all the time?" She asked, dumbfounded.

"Uh, d'you _know_ who we are?" Scout said as he pulled his own guns from his ever-present bat bag and cocked them, leading to another round of the teens staring at them in surprise, "Really, it'd be more suprisin' to see us _without_ our stuff for a change."

Amethyst snorted as she summoned her whip, "Yeah, _especially_ Pyro. Ain't that right P-2?"

However, instead of hearing a vicious, if muffled, war cry and a sudden flash of heat, only silence met the young Gem's ears. Amethyst, Scout and Demoman looked around in confusion upon Pyro failing to respond only to find that the firebug was not only ignoring them, it was actually gone. As in, the only people inside the Big Donut were Amethyst, Scout, Demo and its two employees.

"Uh…guys? Where did Pyro go?" Amethyst said, and only an individual with personal experience with the Gem would pick up on the slight undercurrent of fear in her voice.

"I-I dunno! Did you see him leave?" Scout asked Demo, who replied with a vehement shake of his head, "I didn't see him leave either! Aw crap, where da hell could she have gone?"

"Wait…" Everyone turned to Lars, who had spoken up, "Are you guys talking about your friend in the big, heavy suit and the mask all the time?" After the three nodded in reply the teen continued, "I saw him walking towards the fry shack when I was running-when I was _escaping_ from that monster. I thought he was going to take care of it?"

Wordlessly, the three turned back to each other and shared common looks of horror. Memories of the last times Pyro had gone out all by itself replaying in their heads. Unspeakable atrocities and eldritch horrors aside, there was almost always lots and lots of fire involved as well as incredible amounts of bills in property damage. Suddenly realizing just what kind of situation they were dealing with, the three remaining rabble-rousers could think of only one thing to say.

"Oh, shit."

* * *

 _Back at the fry shack…_

 _Pyrovision Active_

Pyro frowned as it looked at its adversary and tutted to itself. Another gloom-and-doom person that felt they just had to cause trouble. In fact, as Pyro looked over to Pearl and noticed the state she was in, this being had already tried spreading its bad vibes to its friends already. The alabaster Gem was covered in black and purple goop that had blinded her. Apparently Pearl had tried to take care of this troublemaker on her own; the red-and-white spear-shaped candy cane that Frybo was holding up to its face was a clear indicator of that. Upon seeing the state that Pearl was in, Pyro decided to help out by shooting its bubble-gun at the gloomy individual. Pyro was happily surprised to find that the enemy had erupted into a storm of bubbles when its shot connected. Good. Far too many of the Gem-gloomers were immune to the power of bubbles. However it wasn't enough, as the person had brushed the cheerful bubbles off of itself and fixed Pyro with a mean glare.

"Bluegh!" Frybo taunted as it ran towards Pyro, gloomy tentacles whipping about its head, "No like bubbles! No like being happy! You will be sad!"

Rather than stand in the way of Frybo's assault, Pyro fired off another burst from its bubble-gun and dashed out of the way. The firebug was out of danger but its shot went wide. The bubble projectile burst harmlessly against the sand. That was good; while its team liked it when Pyro spread its happiness to others, they didn't like it very much when it spread too much of it, especially around the normal happy people. Frybo barreled past harmlessly and whipped around when its enemy wasn't in its sights.

Pyro tut-tutted at the flailing Frybo, "Now now, there's no need to be mean like that. And why don't you like bubbles? Everybody likes bubbles when they get to know them."

"NO!" Frybo whined, stomping its foot like a child, "No like bubbles! Bubbles too happy and nice! Only like dark and gloom!"

Pyro sighed to itself. This was a very serious case. Frybo was affected by its bubbles, but it seemed as though they weren't strong enough to turn the gloomer to the happier side of things. For that, Pyro would have to get out its heavy-duty happiness equipment.

The firebug smiled gleefully as it reached into its pack; nothing was quite so effective as spreading happiness and joy as its next tool, "Well, you might not like bubbles very much, but how do you feel about rainbows instead?" Pyro asked the suit as it withdrew its trusty Rainblower from its pocket. Not even some of the stronger Gem gloomers could stay upset once the Rainblower was used on them. And despite Pyro's promise that it loved all of its happiness tools equally, the mumbler might have loved its Rainblower just a _teeny_ bit more than its others.

Frybo, however, reacted worse when it saw the golden sprayer, "Rainbows worse! No like colors!" It yelled as it charged at Pyro once again, intent on spreading its doom and gloom.

But Pyro had predicted this; it seemed as though the gloomer was tough, it was also a rather one-trick pony. Luckily, Pyro would be able to fix that. The firebug rolled to the side just as Frybo passed and sprayed a wave of sparkling rainbows over it.

"He he he!" Frybo giggled as its body erupted into a storm of glittery happy rainbows and was tickled by their touch, "He he he! Feels funny!"

This didn't stop the rather vicious backhand Frybo threw at Pyro however. The firebug was airborne for a few moments before crashing against the fry shack nearby with a pained "Oof!" as it landed. ' _That certainly wasn't very pleasant,'_ Pyro thought to itself as it shook its head free of the dark spots that had erupted in its vision and rubbed its bruised rump. Fortunately, Pyro seemed to have done its job very well, as Frybo was now flailing around instead of spreading its gloom everywhere, rubbing the rainbows on its arms to feel it better.

"He he he he he! Rainbows feel happy! I like!" Frybo laughed as color started to return to its body, "More please!"

Pyro smiled happily under its mask. Its plan had worked out; like so many other before, Frybo was completely entranced by the beautiful majesty that was rainbows. Pyro called out to the newest appreciator of rainbows, "Sorry! There's only so many rainbows someone can have on them at a time, I can't give you any more."

"Aw…" Frybo said, feeling upset again.

"However," Pyro teased as it withdrew its bubble-gun once again and aimed at Frybo, "I happen to know that rainbows plus bubbles makes for a very interesting combination. Would you like to see?"

Frybo giggled again and started running towards Pyro with its arms outstretched, "Yay! More rainbows! More bubbles! Yes please!"

"Alright alright, there's no need to get _too_ excited, is there?" Pyro chuckled as he aimed his 'weapon' at the rainbow-covered Frybo. After only a brief moment the pyromaniac fired, and a burst of bubbles flew dead center into Frybo's chest. The bubbles interacted with the rainbows quite interestingly; as soon as the projectile made contact there was an explosion of sparkling rainbows and floating bubbles as both spread across Frybo's body-leaving not an inch uncovered. The walking suit laughed and spun around in place for a second before landing on its rear.

"Yay! Pretty!" Frybo giggled as it watched the bubbles and rainbows curl off of its body, "I love rainbows _and_ bubbles now! Thank you!"

"Well don't go thanking me just yet." Pyro chided as it took something out from behind its back. Frybo looked over the Pyro's shoulder to try and see and gasped in surprise when it saw what the firebug was holding: a great big pink-and-white swirled lollipop. Frybo looked expectantly up at Pyro's smiling masked face, "You've been such a good child today, I think someone deserves a lolly!"

Frybo giggled and clapped its hands, "Me me me!"

Pyro laughed heartily; it did the mumbler good to know that it was spreading love and joy and appreciation for rainbows everywhere, "Alright, are you ready~?" Pyro asked in a sing-song voice as it skipped towards the fry mascot in a happy little dance. Just before reaching Frybo, Pyro jumped and did a small twirl in the air; oversized lollipop in its grasp.

"Here you go~!"

Pyro threw its lollipop down, directly over the face of Frybo. The oversized piece of candy landed directly inside the mascot's mouth and wedged it open, allowing what remained of Frybo's previous gloom to come pouring out. Heedless of the goop, Frybo giggled again.

"Thank you very much, Pyro!" The mascot said, somehow in spite of the large piece of candy stuck in its mouth, "I love it!" Apparently the weight was too much for the suit to hold up, because it fell backwards only a moment later. Frybo let out a yawn, "I feel kinda sleepy now, mister. Would it be okay if I took a nap?"

Pyro chuckled and waved at the now laying-down form of Frybo, "Take a good long rest, you've certainly earned it."

Frybo smiled again, "Goodnight miss Pyro." It said before falling into a dreamless sleep.

"Pleasant dreams!" Pyro said before turning away. The firebug sighed to itself once it was certain Frybo couldn't hear it. That was certainly a difficult person to spread happiness to, but in the end, Pyro was successful like always. The masked mumbler danced away into the sunset, tools of happiness in grasp, humming a happy little tune to itself along the way.

"Do you believe in maaaagic~"

* * *

 _Pyrovision Inactive_

Scout winced as he watched Pyro walk off by itself, whistling a creepy song to itself as it marched into the sunset. Which, coincidentally, was towards its own home. The Bostonian turned back to survey the damage to the fry shack. Miraculously, it wasn't a burning shell of itself as Scout had initially feared. Clearly Pyro had been exercising good self-control if it was capable of burning its target into a husk and not incurring any property damage along the way. It certainly helped that behind the firebug's back, Scout, Amethyst, and Demo had helped get the rest of the trapped citizens out of danger while Pyro tangled with Frybo.

Speaking of Frybo, Scout turned towards the formerly-alive mascot and swallowed to keep the small amount of bile creeping up his throat down.

The suit was an absolute mess; Scout had no illusions in his mind that had Pyro done this to a _living_ creature, he would have voided his stomach as soon as his eyes had set on it. Frybo was now a smoldering wreck, covered in various pockmarks of explosions from the flares Pyro had sent its way. Blacked cloth was the only thing one could see when one looked at the still-flaming body. Of course, the most nightmare-inducing thing that had been done to the suit was the barbed-wire-covered axe head that had been stuffed directly into the suit's mouth-hole. Frybo had its stupidly happy face ever-present as pints of ketchup and mustard bled freely from the huge gash on its face. Scout gulped once again, the unearthly howls Frybo had made when it was burning alive.

Scout turned to look behind him, "Well, it definitely could've been worse."

"That's not really saying much," Pearl mumbled in contrast as she wiped the remaining traces of condiments off of her arms, legs and face. The gunk in her hair would take a bit more to clean out, but she could afford to worry about that later. Pearl turned to Amethyst, who had helped the alabaster Gem to her feet, "Thanks for the help."

Amethyst grinned smugly, "No prob, P."

"But couldn't you have arrived all at once to minimize the chances of… _this?_ " Pearl gestured to the wrecked shack and burning husk of Frybo with her hands. Over by the fry shack, Mr. Fryman held his son close to him and watched Frybo continue to burn. Next to him stood Demoman, who had his checkbook out and was writing something down. The Scotsman ripped the topmost slip of paper off from the book and handed it to the eldest Fryman.

"Here, this should cover the damages for today and loss of yer inventory. There's some extra in there as an apology, too."

Still shocked, Mr. Fryman only partially registered Demo's comment and took a few seconds to look at the check. When he did his eyes bugged out of his head and he was brought back to reality, " _Two hundred thousand-?!"_

"Yeah," Demoman said as he surveyed the damage to both the shack and this section of the boardwalk, "We'd give ye more, but the bank don't like it much when we try to withdraw more than a million every month. I think this should cover most of the cost anyways."

For the second time in thirty seconds, Mr. Fryman was shocked into silence. Who the hell knew Steven's guardians were _this_ loaded?

Back at the wreck of the previously-living Frybo, Pearl and Scout watched as Amethyst reached into the suit through the opening Pyro had conveniently left for them with its axe. She messed around inside of it for a few moments-generating uncomfortably wet squelching sounds-before her eyes lit up, "Got it!" The purple Gem said triumphantly as he held up a mustard-and-ketchup covered limb holding a similarly covered Gem shard in hand. Amethyst held the shard out to Pearl, "Here ya go."

"Eugh…" Pearl said as she formed a translucent white bubble around the condiment-covered shard, careful not to actually let her hands touch the rock, "Thank you Amethyst. Now that we've got the last shard, we can finally put them all back into the…Temple…uh-oh…"

The pale Gem was scanning the ground, clearly looking for something, and getting increasingly more panicked when she didn't find what it was she was searching for.

"Uh-oh?" Scout said, looking less than pleased, "What's uh-oh? I don't like uh-oh."

"The shards…" Pearl whispered audibly to herself, "I…I could've sworn that…"

"You lost them _again?"_ Amethyst screeched, garnering the attention of everyone present.

Pearl flinched at Amethyst's tone, "I-I didn't _lose_ them, I just dropped them when fighting the fry suit!" She defended, though from the frustrated looks of both Scout and Amethyst they were less than satisfied, "But I don't understand where they could've gone, there wasn't any free garments or clothing nearby when I dropped them, so where-?"

"Alright Frybo! Get ready for trouble!"

Two mercenaries and two Gems turned to the sound of Steven's voice. Two mercenaries and two Gems were struck dumb at what they saw.

Two mercenaries and two Gems felt the slap of their own hand against their face after a brief moment.

It seemed as though they had found out where the remaining shards had gone, if the animated clothes surrounding Steven was any indication. The boy himself was clad only in his pristine white underwear and had a fry sticking out of his mouth like a cigar. Steven's serious expression gradually melted into confusion when he took in stock what was in front of him. He removed the fry from his mouth and looked to his guardians.

"Guys? What did I miss?"

Over by the fry shack, having just witnessed the last weirdness straw that broke the sane camel's back, Peedee turned and calmly looked at his father, "Dad?"

The eldest Fryman looked at his son, "Uh…yes Peedee?"

"When I said that I wanted to help out at the shop, I mean as a cook or cashier. Would it be alright if I took over one of those positions?"

Mr. Fryman blinked, "Oh, um, of course."

"Aw, what? You guys already had a huge epic fight and I _just_ missed it? Come on!"

"Lad, _please_ put yer clothes back on."

"Yeah, I think I'm going blind over here dude."

" _Amethyst!"_

* * *

 **A/N: Ehhh…Both Together Breakfast and Frybo were pretty Steven-centric episodes, both focused on worldbuilding and character introduction rather than plot. I did all I could, but honestly there wasn't very much room for the Gems here, let along the mercenaries. But I refuse to go through this story without writing about every episode! Even if it's just a passing mention!**

… **Please send help.**

 **So: on magic and Merasmus. Honestly, I tried to come up with a logical reason why the Gems, a race of beings who regularly refer to many of their abilities as** _ **magic**_ **, rarely if ever uses magic at all! You're far more likely to find them using some sort of advanced technology than you are magic, yet we know magic exists! Ruby and Sapphire are a Pyromancer and Cyromancer respectively, but besides changing the temperature of their immediate surrounding they never really** _ **do**_ **anything with their powers. Lapis Lazuli at least makes heavy use of her Hydrokinesis, and its freaking badass too, but then she got shunted off. I mean, if you're going to introduce magic characters, then HAVE THEM USE MAGIC! I just…ugh. Shapeshifting is cool, but all the Gems can do it, so it's not exactly magic and more of a race trait instead. Weapon summoning is meh, but my attitude is similar to shapeshifting. Garnet's future vision has some hints of divination, but they treat it so mundanely. When I think of the Gems, 'aliens' comes to mind more frequently than 'magic' does. To that end, I've tried to come up with a reason why the Gems use physical force and technology rather than alchemy and magic instead.**

 **Now, on the flipside, you can immediately tell that Merasmus is a wizard the first time you see him. He** _ **looks**_ **like a stereotypical wizard! He waves his staff around, says some magic words, acts completely hammy and over-the-top, and shit happens in a way that can't be easily explained.** _ **That's**_ **some effing magic if I do say so myself. Also, I never really got the sense that Merasmus was actually trying to kill the mercenaries every time he made an appearance. More so that he was trying to get their attention instead. So yeah, I think that Merasmus has so kind of 'Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass' shtick going on. It makes sense when you think that he could just summon a carpet of Bombinomicon bombs and throw them at his enemies.**

 **Soldier and Demoman are both exorcism experts. This strangely makes more sense than it should.**

 **Also, Pyrovision. The things that it does to the weaker-willed. *shudders***

 **Alright, time to check out those reviews! Wow, 51 already. That means my story is on the front page when searching for highest reviews! Thank you all so much for your continued support!**

 **Dante Watterson: :3**

 **darkromdemon: Glad to hear that I can still make you chuckle! Hope I continue to impress!**

 **Potat0s0Verlord: "The safe word is 'Police Brutality'!" Psh, please. Crit headshotz for dayz, yo! Sides, Spy can run circles around these idiots. He has an** _ **actual**_ **cloaking device. Kinda funny that you mentioned Payday 2 actually…almost as if you had some sort of foresight for a future chapter, hmm? Somehow, I think I have less of an idea where I pull my chapters from than you do. How is that possible…?**

 **ghostboy1225: Eh, AP classes, final exams, scholarships and all that shit. Gotta really buckle down. I'd say that you're flattering me, but I've seen some of the stories here. And I don't even have my own editor!**

 **Fanreader48: Ah, good, just wanted to make sure. Shippers destroy lives after all. Honestly it was super easy to see how these two rude, crude troublemakers would interact with each other. They feel like very similar character archetypes actually.**

 **superfanman217: Aw! Thank you so much! I hope I can keep up with your expectations!**

 **Robute Gulliman: Halo Team Captain please! Seriously, thank you for your support.**

 **Zaravan: Go! Spread my word to the corners of the internet! To 4chan! Tumblr! Facebook! Eh…actually forget that last one.**

 **(Translation: Thank you! You can count on many more chapters after this!)**

 **Dragshot: *Insert MLG airhorn remix of Steven Universe's extended theme***

 **I'm trying to get a lot of worldbuilding out of the way in these early chapters so I can set up more unique plot later on. Sorry if they're a bit heavy on the exposition side.**

 **Hey now, Scout only has trouble with** _ **ladies**_ **.** _ **Girls**_ **(well, most girls) are his area of expertise. Heck, all he had to do to get it on in that one short was to just** _ **ask**_ **that girl. Given how casual both Scout and Amethyst seem to be about everything, someone with their Shipping Goggles™ on might make the wrong conclusion.**

 **KICOLOVERS239: Thanks for your support! And will do! Hope this chapter was up to your expectations!**

 **Guest: Oh, better hold on to that 'best chapter' title you have there. I haven't even begun to dive into the good stuff yet! Good to know you like my story though, so thanks!**

 **Fagsworth: Wow. This…wow. Okay, thank you** _ **so much**_ **for this. I'm actually kind of shocked someone stayed up all night to read** _ **my**_ **ramblings. It's kind of amazing really. I can only hope my future chapters will be good enough to inspire such actions. (Though you really shouldn't stay up for hours on end too often, it doesn't end well for you. Thanks for the support!)**

 **Speerut: Pft, late review? Please,** _ **I'm**_ **the one with a timetable, not you. Take as much time as you need to create an honest analysis of my work. That being said, thank you for noticing my effort in these chapters; I never ever** _ **ever**_ **want to reach the point of this story where I think to myself and say 'This is more trouble than its worth.' Too many amazing fanfics on this site have been killed because of that line of thinking. I don't want this to happen to Team Universe, not in a million years. Even if it takes a full year between my updates, I** _ **refuse**_ **to let this story die while I still have people who will enjoy it. Quality over quantity after all; structure is one of my main focuses when writing. I am a bit of a grammar Nazi when you get right down to it. I'll probably miss some things here or there, but I usually try to 'self-edit'. It's been going well so far.**

 **Well, that's all the time we have today folks! Tune in next time to read how Team Universe spies on Steven's first meeting (read as: date) with Connie Maheswaran! You can't honestly expect these people to** _ **not**_ **spy on their ward's 'romantic life'? Scout might have a few tips for the young half-Gem…**

 **As always, review, follow and/or fav if you enjoyed!**


	6. Chapter 6

Team Universe

 **Legionnaire, Boggie445, Guest, RebeccaGloom:**

 **Nghhh!...Errrrgh!...Aaaarh!...Hmpf-!**

 ***drops huge-ass chapter in front of mass of reviewers***

 **Haa…haaaa…haaaaaa…This good enough? *takes long drink of cold water to clear head***

 **Okay! Well, sorry about the super-long break, more details on that at the bottom, but I have a super-sized chapter to make up for it! Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or locations portrayed in this work; all characters and concepts belong to their original owners. Cover art belongs to the amazing Ace Florins.**

 _ **Now loading… epsd_catfingers**_

Scout whistled to himself as he rode the Fortress's elevator, scribbling into one of the spare disguise kits he and Amethyst had pilfered from Spy a week or so ago. Ha, Frenchie thought he could handle Scout when he was alone, but _damn_ it was really easy to get him to cave once Amethyst came along and the two double-teamed him. Scout sniggered to nobody in particular. Heh, that's probably the only double-team the French tart would ever see.

Why, yes Pearl routinely called him immature and crude, why do you ask?

"Aaaand, done." Scout mumbled to himself as he finished his drawing on the kit with a flourish. He tucked the stylus back into the tin and pressed the blue button underneath his drawing. There was a brief hiss as the device churned up a cloud of pink smoke around Scout, completely obscuring him from view. A second later the Bostonian looked down at himself.

Much shorter stature, far more body mass than he was used to, a pink t-shirt with a familiar yellow star…everything checks out. Scout hit a second button on the disguise kit and the screen he had just been writing on morphed into a mirror. Thick, black-brown bushy hair, big, child-like eyes, upturned nose…yup, there was no mistaking it. As of right now, Scout was a spitting image of Steven Universe. Part 1 of operation Steven Tag was officially completed.

"Sweet!" Scout said in Steven's voice, but with his own distinctive accent. The smart-ass face that Steven's face was wearing disappeared after a moment, "Er…I mean…" Scout-Steven stumbled as he tried to morph his face into a more familiar, starry-eyed look of wonder, "Awesome!"

Scout-Steven checked his reflection in the kit again and frowned. For some reason, every kit he and Amethyst had made since failed to replicate the way Steven's eyes turned all starry when he was amazed. It irked the Bostonian to no end that there was a flaw in the disguise, they had to be as lifelike as possible in order for their game to work!

The runner huffed in frustration before shrugging Steven's shoulders, "Eh, I'll figure it out later." _'Man, Steven talking with my accent is really weird.'_ Scout thought to himself as he hit a red button on the device, causing his current holographic disguise to evaporate. After only a brief moment, Scout was back to looking like his normal self again. Lucky too as the elevator had finally arrived at his destination with a distinctive ping. Tucking both his hands and the disguise kit into his pockets, Scout resumed his whistling as he strolled through the elevator doors and down the exit hallway. Taking only a moment to punch in his exit code, Scout stepped out into the beach house.

"WOMP WOMP!"

And straight into some sort of Pearl-shaming shtick, apparently, if the light purple Pearl with an amethyst embedded into her chest taunting the normal, white Pearl was any sort of indication. Especially considering that the former was presenting her butt (or lack thereof) to the latter as she proceeded to slap it. Let it not be said that Pearl was exceedingly narcissistic, or perhaps not even _slightly_ , as the alabaster Gem didn't even spend a millisecond examining what she looked like from the rear.

Or maybe she always knew exactly how she looked from every possible angle at all times. Scout still had no idea how exactly Gems choose a form to adopt, but in his defense that was because he really couldn't care one way or the other. Besides, Amethyst usually just 'did' what she did with little to no explanation as to how, and that was when she could be bothered to even answer those questions.

Either way, Scout was not about to let such an excellent set-up go unassisted. With a devious grin Scout withdrew the disguise kit and cycled through a series of pre-recorded images before selecting one.

The not-so-silent sound of a holographic disguise phasing into existence managed to catch the attention of Pearl, Purple-Pearl, and Steven (who had gone unnoticed by Scout up until now). When the smoke dissipated, Amethyst-as it was clearly her who had shape-shifted into a facsimile of Pearl-and Steven tried to hold in their giggles when a third Pearl walked towards them with 'her' head held high and her eyes closed. Pearl narrowed her eyes at Not-Pearl as 'she' crossed the room.

"Now, Pearl," Not-Pearl chastised Purple-Pearl, 'her' hands held out as 'she' stuck a dainty-looking pose that was only slightly ruined by Not-Pearl's poor attempt at masking 'her' Boston accent, "Kindly cease your ministrations at once. It is rather unbecoming for one of our stature to be caught smacking our rump in such a crude fashion, even if we technically have no real 'rump' to speak of."

Pearl flushed blue and looked at the floor as Purple-Pearl started laughing uproariously. Steven-too young to really understand the second part of the joke-giggled along as well. Purple-Pearl quickly got her chuckles under control before she straightened up and struck a similar pose to Not-Pearl, complete with the raised chin and spread-out arms.

"Yes, of course Pearl. You must forgive me, I've merely been a bit stressed lately because…" Purple-Pearl's eyes opened only slightly to give Not-Pearl a knowing look, "…that rude Scout has been making a mess everywhere he goes. And his language," Purple-Pearl held a hand to her forehead, "While I do so enjoy _nothing_ more than cleaning up even the simplest of messes, he's been getting quite out of hand!"

Not-Pearl's mouth twitched before 'she' managed to get it under control, "Why of course I forgive you, Pearl. It's quite understandable that you might feel a bit crazy. In fact, I myself have my own little troublemaker to deal with as well. She's been driving me absolutely mad!"

"Oh, really?" Purple-Pearl's eyes flitted over to where Pearl stood, arms crossed and fuming, and over to Steven, giggling furiously, "And who is she, may I ask?"

"You know, that messy Amethyst," Not-Pearl smirked, "She eats such strange human foods, and some things that aren't even _considered_ food by humans! She's been leaving such sick presents around the house, and stores food in only the _ghastliest_ of places!"

Purple-Pearl snorted, "Ghastliest?"

"Shut up, it's a word. Ahem," Not-Pearl cleared 'her' throat, "Anyways, just dealing with her alone has driven me into a tizzy! Why, I have no idea how I'm going to calm down after dealing with such a character…"

"Indeed, to act in such a barbaric and immature manner, it's simply unthinkable!" Purple-Pearl agreed with a nod of her head.

For a few seconds, the only sound was Steven struggling to breathe as he and Pearl stared at the two fake Pearls standing daintily in the center of the room. Then Not-Pearl and Purple-Pearl both shared a knowing look before they turned to Pearl.

Well, they turned a very specific part of their anatomy towards Pearl.

"WOMP WOMP!" "WOMP WOMP!"

That was the last straw for the one authentic Pearl in the room, "Ugh!" She cried aloud to no one in particular, face flushed almost completely blue. Pearl marched past her two doppelgangers and endured yet another round of 'womp'-ing from the duo as she fled the house, slamming the door behind her. Once she was gone, Not-Pearl and Purple-Pearl both collapsed into fits of laughter alongside Steven, who took slightly less pleasure at seeing Pearl so flustered.

"Oh, man!" Not-Pearl chuckled, not bothering to hide her accent now as 'she' wiped a tear from 'her' eye, "That was _beautiful_. I ain't even kiddin' here, that was nothin' short of _amazin'_."

"Ohmygosh did you see her _face_?" Purple-Pearl cackled, "Absolutely _priceless_!" The shapeshifted Amethyst finally pulled herself to her feet with a little difficulty, shaking off the last few giggles of her laughing fit. Purple-Pearl turned to her compatriot and gave 'her' a wicked smile, "You could _not_ have come in at a better time!"

"Hehehe…you guys really got her good!" Steven laughed for a little longer. His expression then turned pensive as he looked out the door where Pearl had fled, "…You guys don't think she's actually upset, do you?"

Not-Pearl blew a raspberry, "Puh-lease, Pearl likes to act all offended and disgusted and like she's above it all, but she just keeps shruggin' it off and comes back for more. She's some kinda masochist that way…"

"She _did_ get us back a couple times over the years, though," Purple-Pearl admitted, sounding unusually appreciative of the pale Gem, "Even if she did need some help from Spy or Engie sometimes. So I guess she really isn't as 'above it all' as she says she is." The shapeshifted Gem finished, making air quotes at the appropriate times. This earned a rueful "Ha!" from Not-Pearl as 'she' pulled out the disguise kit 'she' held and pressed a button, disengaging the current illusion. Purple-Pearl soon followed suit as her body changed into a mote of light and shrunk down into the more familiar shape of Amethyst's base form. A Second later and all the color returned to her body.

"So anyways," Scout looked over Steven and Amethyst as he spun the closed disguise kit around on his finger, "What're the two a' ya's doin' up here that ya had to shape-shift into Pearl for it?"

"Amethyst is teaching me how to shapeshift like a real Gem!" Steven said, his eyes sparkling like stars, belying his concealed excitement at being able to change his body on a whim, "It's gonna be awesome when I can shapeshift into a huge lion!"

"Oh, really?" Scout said, giving Amethyst an appraising look. Shape-shifting was one of the Gems' powers that Scout found pretty interesting. Even Spy's own disguises were limited to simple holographic images overlaid on top of the user's own form and balanced out with voice modulators to better mimic the voice of the person one is imitating. This was a pale comparison when considering that the Gems' could change any part of their body that they wish to with very little limitations, "And what exactly made ya wanna do that now?"

"Steven was out with Engie helping fix the mayor's car or something," Amethyst interjected as she gave the half-Gem a wry grin, "I just happened to be nearby and thought it'd be fun to…mess with 'em for a bit."

"She turned into a cat and stole Engineer's wrench!" Steven elaborated, sounding much more excited than he had a moment ago.

Scout snorted, "Yeah, that'd really get under his skin. That thing's like his lucky charm or somethin'. And lemme guess, once ya starting changing shape hardhat peeled out real quick, didn't he?"

Amethyst smiled a wide, shit-eating grin, "You know it!"

Everyone knew about Engineer's particular phobia regarding people being able to change their appearance. Sniper had a similar, if less visceral, fear himself. This was completely rational if one were too look at the two's experience during the Gravel Wars of course; both were very high priority targets for enemy Spies. And since the enemy boasted the same disguising technology that Team Fortress's _own_ Spy did, it was very common to find out that ally Scout or Soldier or Demoman wasn't exactly on their side after they had buried a knife into your spine and sapped all of your hard-earned buildings. Of course, these were all just illusions-holographical disguises that broke down if interacted with too much. However, the Gems were able to completely restructure their physical form with only the slightest amount of effort. Shape-shifting too often or remaining in a different form for too long was tiring, but that hardly mattered to Engineer. As far as he was concerned, if you weren't looking like yourself, that meant you were a Spy, and if you were a Spy, you were the enemy.

Of course Engineer's reactions were no longer quite so volatile as they had been in the past, and he was far less likely to pull a gun and scream 'SPY!' at the top of his lungs every time one of the Gems shape-shifted in front of him, but it still made the Texan incredibly uncomfortable. A fact that Amethyst was far too willing to poke fun of.

"As soon as Steven asked me to teach him how to start shape-shifting, Engie immediately told us to give him some space for his 'work', ha!" Amethyst barked ruefully, "He just doesn't wanna be around when I start showing Steven how to do _this_ ," Amethyst's body turned luminescent once again as her body contorted into a different form. A second later and Scout was sniggering at a purple, effeminate Engineer with a large amethyst embedded in 'his' chest, "Gottam'ove dat gear up!" Purple-Engineer said with a horribly fake Texan accent.

Scout and Steven both laughed as Amethyst returned to normal, "Oh, yeah, I could see that _totally_ getting to hardhat. _Especially_ with the eye shadow," Scout stopped for a second as something occurred to him, "Hey, why do ya shape-shift eye shadow whenever ya turn into one a' us? Ya' don't normally look like you're wearing it."

"Uh, because it's _funny_?" Amethyst explained while she shrugged, "It makes all of you guys uncomfortable seeing yourselves wearing makeup."

"That is a thing that is true." Scout admitted.

Steven picked that moment to step in, "So Amethyst, can you show me how to change into a cat like you? Or wait-wait! How about you show me how to turn into a huge lion! No, even better! How about a huge dragon!" The half-Gem's eyes continued to grow wider and wider as he grew even more excited with every passing moment.

"Actually…" Amethyst interrupted as she walked over to Steven, "For once, Pearl got something right. If you're gonna start changing your body around, you're gonna need to start off with something easy. Don't wanna overdo it on your first try, believe me it ain't exactly the greatest feeling when you mess up shape-shifting the first time," Wow, it felt really weird to actually assume responsibility for once, "Your first idea about turning into a cat doesn't sound half bad. It's small, easy to picture, and I have pretty good experience with that," The short Gem turned to Scout, "You wanna stick around or d'you got somewhere to be?"

Scout shrugged, "Nowhere in particular, hope ya don't mind if I stick around for this. It sounds pretty cool even if I can't do it." The Bostonian walked over to a nearby support and leaned against it, making sure to keep an eye on Amethyst and Steven over in the kitchen.

Amethyst nodded to her partner before turning back to Steven, "Alright Ste-man, just follow my lead, okay?" When the half-Gem nodded with his characteristic eagerness, Amethyst started her lesson. She raised her arms up to the sides of her head and closed her eyes.

"First things first, you gotta think about what you wanna be. This is really important, cuz if you don't have a really clear image of what you wanna shift into, you might mess it up. Shape, weight or physical details could end up all over the place if you don't focus."

"But you shape-shift all the time, and really quickly too," Steven pointed out, "And you sometimes add things to your forms, like the makeup and stuff."

"Well that's cuz I've gotten a _ton_ of practice with this shape-shifting business. You _could_ say I'm an old pro at it," Amethyst gave Scout a well-intentioned glare when the runner snorted at her comment, "The first few times you shift you gotta make sure you get all the little things right. Once you start shape-shifting more regularly, you'll be able to do it as easily as I do. Practice makes perfect, right?"

"Okay…right," Steven said as he adopted Amethyst's pose, "Picture what I wanna be…cat. Furry. Big ears. Small…" The half-Gem starting going through several important physical features about cats out loud.

"Alright then, once you've got a clear picture in your head about your next form, all you gotta do is…shake it out!" The purple Gem started jiving a bit in place, shaking her arms and bobbing up and down. After a moment her body dissolved into light and shrunk to the size of, well, a cat! A moment more and the light disappeared, revealing a small, bushy, purple-gray cat with an amethyst in her chest. Cat-methyst padded over to Steven and looked up at the boy with her large, human-like eyes, "See? Ha! Easy. Now your turn."

"Uh, okay. Right. Easy." Steven muttered in an uneasy tone. Seeing how effortlessly Amethyst had changed her form intimidated him more than he'd admit. Steven looked over to Scout, who gave the boy an encouraging grin and a thumbs-up.

"No pressure, little dude!" The Bostonian said, "Just give it a try."

Steven nodded and closed his eyes, visualizing a cat in his mind's eye. He then starting flexing every muscle he knew he could at once. This of course put him under so much stress and strain the boy started sweating profusely and tearing up, "Caaaaaaaaaaat…" Steven chanted under his breath as he continued to put himself under too much stress.

Amethyst and Scout looked on with a degree of concern, though they quickly forgot this once the humor of the situation kicked in, "Hey, um…might wanna be a little more careful there kid, you don't wanna poop yourself, ya'know?" The Bostonian chuckled a bit to himself.

"Scout's right, Steven," Cat-methyst added as she sat back and opened a bag of chips, somehow without opposable thumbs, but she gets away with it because she is technically a magical shape-shifter, "You're being way too tense about this. Trying to force a change isn't going to work. Just relax and _feel_ it," The purple Gem said as she started snacking on some potato chips, not even bothering to close her mouth while she chewed, "Bio-rhythms, yo."

If anything, these statements only served to make Steven even _more_ tense. The half-Gem pressed his fingers to his temples as he tried to 'feel it', even going so far as to draw out the word like he had when he was chanting 'cat' a few seconds ago. Amethyst and Scout shared a worried look.

"Uh…Steven, if you're not ready, we can try this later, y'know?" Cat-methyst said as she stalked over to the half-Gem, "Shape-shifting is pretty difficult when you first start out. You don't gotta rush this."

"No, wait! I can do it!" Steven shouted suddenly, startling both mercenary and Gem. The boy released all of the tension in his body at once and closed his eyes, "Uh! Yeah, feeeeel it!" Steven mumbled to himself as she started moving his body in rhythmic, shaking motions, almost like a dance.

Scout and Amethyst stood transfixed as Steven got his tension under control. The purple Gem even subconsciously shifted back into her base form while still on all fours.

"Ha!" Steven huffed out as he thrusted his arms forward, willing his body to change shape.

He remained in that position for several seconds even after it became apparent that nothing was going to happen. Scout looked to Amethyst with a quirked eyebrow. The Gem just shrugged and got to her feet before walking over to Steven.

"Well, it was a pretty good try for your first time," She admitted with a smile, trying to cheer up the half-Gem, "You're probably gonna need some more practice before you start shape-shifting for real."

" _Mew._ "

The unexpected mewling of a cat surprised everyone present, even Steven himself. Cautiously the young boy held out his right hand, which had been balled up into a fist at some point, and extended his index finger. This caused the trio to jump once again because instead of a pink-skinned, normal appendage, Steven's finger had changed into a white-furred cat head.

"No friggin' way…" Scout said as he tried and failed to suppress the fit of sniggering he was having upon witnessing the cat-finger move around under its own will. Amethyst seemed to be suffering from a similar fit of laughs as well, though the purple Gem did nothing to suppress them.

Steven, however, was so amazed as his accomplishment that his eyes filled with their familiar stars, "This. Is. So. _Coooool!_ " The young boy cheered excitedly as he watched the cat head mewl and move around. He reached down with his other hand and began petting the cat with a single digit, "Hey there little guy…" Steven crooned. The cat finger apparently liked this petting as it leaned-as best it could-into Steven's ministrations, purring all the while.

"Oh man," Amethyst said as she came down from her fit of uproarious laughter and took a breath she really didn't need, "Steven, you _need_ to go show Engie this. He'll totally freak out!"

"Oh my God, _yes_ ," Scout exclaimed and he walked over to Steven and crouched down to the half-Gem's level, setting his hands on the boy's shoulders in order to grab his attention. When Steven looked up into the Bostonian's eyes, he noticed that they seemed to sparkle with some kind of shine-almost as if he discovered his purpose in life. Glancing over, the half-Gem noticed that Amethyst's eyes had a very similar sparkle as well. He turned back when Scout started speaking, "Steven, this absolutely _has_ to happen. My life will not be complete until I see hardhat's face when he sees _this._ "

At that point, fate seemed to smile on Scout and Amethyst, as Engineer burst into the beach house that very moment. The Texan's face was buried in his ever-present tablet as he typed away on the device. This of course allowed Scout to straighten up and block Steven from view and gave Amethyst just enough time to look slightly less criminal. Engineer finally looked up from his tablet after a few seconds of quietly mumbling to himself, "Scout? Great, you're already here. Listen-we got a bit of an emergency to deal with at Badwater Basin-"

"Ah-ah, before ya go any further," Scout interrupted with a smug grin as he stepped away from Steven, exposing him to the Texan, "Steven here has a little somethin' he wants to show ya'."

Steven stepped forward when Engineer turned his gaze to him and held out his hand which had the shape-shifted finger, "Check it out! I was able to shape-shift my finger into a cat! Like a…cat-finger!"

" _Mrrrow!"_ The cat-finger meowed happily in support.

Steven's eyes sparkled in pride and happiness as Engineer stared at his hand. The sparkles began to slowly fade when Steven realized that Engineer wasn't reacting to his attempt at shape-shifting at all. The Texan was staring expressionlessly at the cheery cat-finger as it bobbed happily on the end of Steven's hand. Scout and Amethyst stood off to the side; both somehow managing to control their respective fits of laughter for the time being.

Silence reigned in the house for several more seconds, only being broken by the intermittent meows of Steven's cat finger and muffled giggles from Scout and Amethyst, until Engineer finally managed to react.

"Nope," The Texan declared as she straightened up. To Steven's amazement, after Engineer made his declaration, the Texan somehow managed to extend his neck at least an inch longer. Then he started marching towards the Fortress's entrance with a purpose in his step, "Nope. Nah. Heck no." He chanted as he continued towards the door. Engineer entered his access code in a rigid, robotic fashion, and entered the Fortress once the door had opened. Without so much as a look back Engineer shut the door behind him. The trio in the kitchen could still faintly hear Engineer's many iterations of 'no' for a few seconds before his voice finally tapered off.

Scout and Amethyst collapsed to the floor in side-splitting laughter once Engineer had finally stepped out of earshot. Scout held his ribs and pounded the floor while Amethyst merely fell to the ground and started rolling back and forth along the wooden floor.

"Ah, ha HAAA! That was EVERYTHING I hoped it would be!" Scout said through his laughing stitches, somehow wincing and laughing at the same time, "Oh man my _sides_ …"

"I-I can't! I just can't!" Amethyst managed to wheeze out between chuckles. The purple Gem looked to her compatriot with a pleading gaze, " _Please_ tell me you got that on camera. This moment needs to be commemorated."

"I didn't, no," Scout admitted before turning to Amethyst with a wide grin, "But it sure as heck was caught on the security cams!"

"Alright!" Amethyst cheered as she and Scout shared a high-five, "We need to share this moment with _everyone_."

Steven, meanwhile, was nowhere near as ecstatic as the duo. In fact the half-Gem looked rather dejected as he stared at the entrance to the Fortress. Apparently feeding off of Steven's emotions somewhat, his little cat-finger appeared to be in a similar state of upset-its tiny ears folded flat against its head.

"Aw man…" Steven said, his voice tinged with disappointment, "He didn't like it…"

"Ey, don't take it personally, squirt," Scout said as he walked over to Steven and bumped the boy's shoulder, "Hardhat really just doesn't like shape-shiftin' stuff all that much. Makes him feel like someone's gonna creep up behind him and start throwing sappers on all his buildings. Heck, if it was me who had to deal with all those Spies back in the day, I'd prolly have some sorta complex too."

"Yeaaaah…" Amethyst drawled as she stepped over, munching on the bag of chips she opened earlier, "It took him a while to get used to _us_ being able to shape-shift regularly, and it still weirds him out. Don't worry about it though, Ste-man," The purple Gem said as she smacked the boy's back just a tad harder than what would've been appropriate, "He'll come around eventually. 'Sides, you just changed your finger-Engie'll get over that pretty soon."

Steven stumbled slightly as he tried to regain his footing from Amethyst's 'love tap', as she called them. He turned to the two others in the house and gave them a hopeful look, "Really?"

"Ab-so-lutely, kid," Scout said smugly as he popped open a can of (non-radioactive) soda he had retrieved from the fridge, "Have we ever lead you wrong?"

"Don't answer that question," Amethyst said drolly when Steven opened his mouth to reply. The boy dutifully shut his mouth and lowered his raised hand. After a few moments of silence, Amethyst quirked a brow at Steven, "So, you gonna just stand here all day and _not_ show everyone your new trick like you said you wanted to or-?" The short Gem let the end of the question hang in the air as she stuffed another handful of chips into her maw.

This managed to snap Steven out of his mopey trance, "Oh!" Steven's eyes lit up and he clenched his fists in determination, "Right, right, I almost forgot!" The half-Gem turns and starts jogging to the door outside, holding his cat-finger out in front of him. Just before he leaves the house Steven looks back to the duo still at the counter, "Bye guys! Thanks for helping me with shapeshifting Amethyst!"

"No prob, kiddo! Go nuts!" Amethyst replied with a wide grin.

"See ya later, little man!" Scout says, raising his can of soda.

Steven returned one of his blindingly cheerful smiles before jogging out the door, holding his hand out in front of him and presenting his shapeshifted finger for all to see. Soon the half-Gem had disappeared behind the cliff. Several seconds passed in relative silence as Scout and Amethyst each enjoyed their respective snacks. Eventually Scout turned to the purple Gem beside him, "How bad d'you think Pearl's gonna freak when she sees what Steven did?" He asked between sips of his soft drink.

"HA!" Amethyst laughed, spraying chip crumbs everywhere without a care as to where they landed. She in turn gave Scout an evil smile of her own, "Please; I can't wait to see how _Medic_ will react to this! He'll probably try to dissect Steven just to figure out how he managed to shapeshift a living cat head onto his finger."

Scout chuckled aloud, "Oh, ya can bet he's gonna try. Pearl and Engie'll stop him though. Heck, if they fail Garnet'll just put him through another wall like the first time he tried something like that."

"Probably. It's kinda impressive-how hard Doc is to kill, I mean," Amethyst smirked and poked the Bostonian in the arm, "Even by 'squishy organic' standards."

Scout darted out of the way of Amethyst's next jab, "Laugh it up, shorty, unlike you I can actually move my ass fast enough to dodge half the shit that's coming at me. Ya just stand there and take it."

"Like a BAWS." Amethyst rebutted, sticking her tongue out and raising her free hand up into the air-making the rock star sign.

Scout facepalmed, though this was mostly just to hide the good-natured grin, "Jesus, I should have never introduced you to the internet. I knew this would come back to bite me in the ass."

Amethyst's head turned to white light as she started shapeshifting again. When the light disappeared, Amethyst's entire face had morphed into some sort of grotesque, semi-openmouthed grin with dozens of skin wrinkles. Her eyes had tightened up into pinpricks and were filled with vicious mirth.

"U mad, bro?"

Scout gave her a disapproving look at the shameless display, "That is not even remotely acceptable in this context."

Before Amethyst could offer another rebuttal of the trollish fashion, an obnoxious siren started to emanate from Scout's pant pocket. Disgruntled, Scout reached in and withdrew his cellphone-whose screen was flashing a bright red.

"EMERGENCY. EMERGENCY." A synthesized voice declared in monotone from the phone's speakers, "CALL TO ARMS FOR ALL TEAM FORTRESS MEMEBERS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. REPEAT. THIS IS NOT A-"

"Shut the hell up ya stupid piece of crap!" Scout cried as he punched in his password and shut off the automatic alarm. Even once it had quieted down the Bostonian continued to glower at the device, "Dumbass program keeping me from turning down the freakin' alarm on this thing. God damn…"

"Yo, what's up?" Amethyst said as she clambered up onto the counter to look over Scout's shoulder at his phone. Luckily she had changed her face back to normal before doing so, "Some kinda Gray invasion? Any Gem monsters attacking your old facilities? Is Merasmus getting uppity again?"

"The first thing," Scout answered as he looked at the emergency message on his phone, "Looks like good old metal-head is tearing up our storage down at Badwater Basin. Jackass is probably looking for more Australium or somethin' if he ain't going for one of your places."

"Sweet, dude," Amethyst said with a vicious grin, "I'm always up for breaking some 'bots." The purple Gem cracked her knuckles menacingly-somehow managing to do so without the presence of air in her nonexistent joints.

"Don't you guys need to go fight an island or something today?"

Amethyst stopped for a moment, processing Scout's statement. Then she seemed to deflate in disappointment, "Aw crap, you're right," She sighed, "And I was actually getting excited to start breaking stuff today. Why you gotta ruin my fun like that, man?"

"Because I am an unrepentant asshat, that's why," Scout replied matter-of-factly, "And don't you go complainin' about not getting to fight robots today, you're probably gonna fuse and start beating up an _entire island_. That's freakin' badass."

"Hehe, yeah…" Amethyst grinned as she imagined the impending smackdown later that day, "It's gonna be epic. Still; breaking robots is more fun. 'Specially since it basically screws with Gray too. I hate that guy."

"We all do," Scout agreed as he put his phone away. The Bostonian pushed off the counter he had been leaning on and stretched out, sighing as his joints popped and cracked, "Welp, gotta go get ready to break some shit. Catch ya later tonight, Amy."

"See ya!" Amythest said as Scout made his way over to the teleporter in the back of the house and activated it, "Remember to beat a Heavy's head in for me!"

"I'll use the pan for it, too!" Scout smirked and tipped his hat at the purple Gem. A second later he dissolved into particles of red energy and disappeared. Amethyst merely laid back against the column next to the counter and continued to snack on the chips she had popped open.

A few seconds later, Sniper walked into the beach house from outside. The Australian seemed to be troubled by something as he continued to stare out the screen door even after it had snapped back shut. Amethyst took no heed of the Bushman's worried state when she addressed him.

"Hey there Snipes, did you get Engie's emergency call too?"

Sniper looked at Amethyst as if he had just realized that she was there, "Oh, uh…yeah actually. I was just coming by to get ready to go…" Slowly the sharpshooter's gaze narrowed as he continued to look at Amethyst, as if he was coming to a realization, "Oi, Amethyst…"

"Ye-es?" The purple Gem responded, stretching out the word and trying to appear as innocent as possible. Unfortunately, Amethyst was terrible at looking innocent. A fact that Sniper was well aware of.

"You wouldn't have anything to do with how Steven somehow managed to shapeshift a living, self-aware cat head onto his finger, now would you?" The marksman asked.

Amethyst laughed. Then she remembered that she had an audience, "Um…would you believe me if I said no?"

Sniper just sighed and walked over to the teleporter, "Just make sure this doesn't become a problem then, otherwise it's gonna be _you_ I'm pointing Pearl to, got it?"

"Hmmm…sounds fair."

* * *

 **Several hours later…**

Badwater Basin was in absolute chaos.

That meant that everything was business as usual.

Gray's forces had taken up residence in BLU's old half of the battleground-thankfully it had been emptied of any Mann Co. technology decades ago-and were dead set on pushing forwards to Team Fortress's defensive position on the map, which was, coincidentally, RED's old half of the field. Unlike the old BLU facilities, the aging RED structure had been kept in relatively good shape over the years. Part of that had to do with the fact that it was a spare storage space for excess Australium and doubled as a testing ground for some of Team Fortress's new hybrid Mann-Gem technology. The other part had to do with the fact that Team Fortress simply liked the color red a bit more than blue.

I mean, if you had to fight hundreds of your doubles to the death day in and day out, and they were wearing specially-colored clothing, you would probably develop an aversion to said color.

In any case, the old RED base had several new features to boast about. Chief among them were automatic defenses and a _very_ Gray-sensitive detection scanner to boot. While Team Fortress was prepping to head out to the field, their automated defenses were able to slow down Gray's attacking force until they arrived. Once they had, a very vicious game of tug-of-war began to play out between the two factions to see who could get to their enemy's base faster. Team Fortress was hard-pressed to keep the enemy away from their facilities; they were making progress-albeit slow and uneven-but progress nonetheless. Currently, they had Gray's forces pushed all the way back to the very start of the map-but the robots weren't about to go down without a fight.

"EXECUTING RALLYING CRY: PUSH FORWARD YOU MAGGOTS! PUSH LIKE YOU MEAN IT-"

* _shink_ *

"AUUUUUUGH!"

"Oh, shut up!"

Spy shot the floundering Greater Soldierbot in the head before disappearing into a puff of smoke, leaving no evidence of his presence beyond a broken robot. This of course didn't keep the lesser Soldierbots from firing wildly around, trying to kill the French espionage expert. Needless to say, this kept them distracted from the frontlines for a good while. So intent on killing Spy were they that they didn't notice the next threat moving towards them until he started revving his minigun.

"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Heavy screamed as he pelted the group of robots with hundreds of bullets, killing several instantly. On each of his sides a teammate stood-Demoman on his right and Pyro on his left-each also firing into the horde of robots. Pyro's new and improved Scorch Shot setting the very ground the machines walked on into fire. Demoman's grenades wreaked havoc on the tightly-grouped Soldiers. The Soldiers tried to return fire once they realized that they were dying horribly, but Pyro simply dashed in front of its teammates and whipped out its flamethrower. One airblast later, and the Soldierbots were all trying to escape the barrage of rockets that suddenly turned on them. There were no survivors.

Further behind the Soldiers, a Giant Heavybot suddenly turned its attention away from Engineer's nearby Sentry and starting firing on the trio. They returned fire to the robot even as they retreated behind the cover of an outcropping of rock. Heavy winced as he touched some of the ragged holes in his flesh left behind by the giant's weapon. Luckily, Demo and Pyro were mostly unscathed. There were some perks to being a bullet sponge, anyway.

That didn't mean that Heavy relished the sensation of multiple slugs in his organs. Heavy raised his head and bellowed, "MEDIC!"

"Ja, Ja, I'm here," The German said as he dashed over to their little spot of cover, narrowly avoiding a few bullets himself. Medic turned his medigun on his allies, quickly patching up Demoman and Pyro before letting the beam linger on Heavy for a bit longer. The Russian sighed as his wounds closed shut and the bullets in his body were pushed out by his regenerating mass. A healthy sheen of deep red wreathed Heavy's body, making it clear that the Russian had been overhealed.

"Thank you," Heavy said to the doctor, with Demoman and Pyro offering their appreciation as well, "Was almost worried for a moment."

Medic snorted, "As if. You've survived much vorse zhan zhis-ve all have."

"True," Demoman admitted as he fired a volley of grenades over their cover, "But that doesn't mean we like dealin' with dis." The Scotsman grinned wickedly as a series of synthetic cries of pain split the air as his bombs detonated. A grin that swiftly disappeared when the steady mechanical steps of the Giant Heavybot grew louder, "What in the bloody 'ell is Sniper waiting for on tha' Heavy? He's wide open!"

"I'm taking down enemy Snipers before they zero in on your arses!" The Australian's indignant voice crackled over the team's communicators, causing many of the others to burst into chuckles, "I think they're a bit more annoying since they're out of your reach! Excuse me for thinking that you bloody idiots can handle one measly Giant!" A loud crack split the air and the Giant Heavy's head exploded into scrap from the force of Sniper's shot. The behemoth crashed against the ground in a heap and remained there, "WANKER!" Sniper's voice yelled not through the comms, but rather out loud.

Demoman smirked, "Thanks lad! Ye need any help clearing out the cliffs over there?"

"Truckie, Solly and Scout got that mostly covered," And indeed, at that moment there was a rather loud and obnoxious cry of "BONK!" followed by an equally obnoxious series of clanging sounds as Scout beat his adversary's head in with a frying pan, "And the Spook is keeping most of the bigger 'bots on edge. Actually, they seem to be pulling back now. Think we're just about finished up here-oi, wait a minute…" Sniper's voice grew quiet for a moment, causing the quartet behind the rocks to grow wary. A few seconds later and Sniper swore into the comms, "Bloody hell, they've got a Captain Punch with giant Medic support. Where the hell were they even keeping that monster?" A second crack split the air and the deep voice of a Giant Medic cried out in pain.

"Ach…" Medic groaned in unison with his three patients. Captain Punch was annoying enough to put down on his own with heavy ballistic armor and troublesome regeneration; with additional Medic support he'd be a real treat to deal with. Mind you, not impossible, just rather difficult, "Vell, at least I have an ubercharge ready for zhis," He said before triggering his communicator, "Ve're heading over right now. Just hold on until zhen."

"No prob, doc!" Scout's voice chimed in, "We got this!"

"That's what you said about Gem monster in Hellfire," Heavy grumbled over the comms, "Didn't work out so well that time."

"Hey! I made an honest mistake; anybody else would've done the same."

"Scout, I still have no idea how you thought a bloody bottle of milk would be the monster's one weakness," Sniper said dryly, "It was pretty obvious that the bugger only lit itself on fire by accident, not that it was part of its main body. If you ask me, you deserved to take a little lava bath after that stupidity."

"Says the guy who throws piss at his enemies!"

"It works when _I_ do it!"

Engineer sighed as he listened to his two teammates start a pissing contest over the communicators-as if they didn't have enough to deal with already. The Texan gave his Bulletstorm Sentry a friendly whack with his wrench to help the machine reload its weapons. Aside from a few hiccups involving some sneaky little Spies, his buildings had thus far remained unmolested. Mostly in part to the support from his team, and Engineer wasn't about to take all the credit for himself.

The boys were doing pretty well in this fight; so far nobody had taken any serious wounds, let alone died. Scout, Soldier and Spy were doing their best to keep the horde of robots distracted from Engineer and Sniper as the two poured down hell into the miasma of machines below. Engie's Sentry was making quick work of the grouped enemies, while Sniper was picking off the larger robots easily and enemy sharpshooters easily. The Australian had actually set up near Engineer's Dispenser, allowing him an endless well of ammunition for his weapon.

That's not to say the three were _only_ distracting the enemy, however. Scout darted to and fro, blasting any enemies that were close enough to kill in one or two shots before jumping back out again. The Bostonian also whacked one of the larger robots over the head with his pan from time to time, stunning the machines. Soldier fired rocket barrage after rocket barrage, taking chunks out of the robot's ranks while he floated relatively safe through the air. He would periodically drop down and bury his hovel in the mechanical brains of his foes before lifting off again into the air, scrapping any unfortunate robots that had gathered near him while he had been on the ground. Spy, in his true asshat nature, waited until the perfect time before plunging his knife into the backs of his unsuspecting robotic adversaries, killing them instantly. Dumb as they were, the robots took a while to actually notice that something was wrong, and by the time they did return fire Spy had already disappeared to do it all again or tossed one of his area of effect sappers onto one of them and left them easy pickings for his team.

All in all, this defense of Badwater was going better than expected-hundreds of robots broken and little in means of personal damage. Guess lady luck had finally given Team Fortress the break it so dearly deserved.

Of course, that train of thought came to a screeching halt when a ringtone came in through Engineer's comminucator-the device doubling as a REDtooth earpiece. Making sure that his team was in position to fight Captain Punch, Engineer took only a moment before answering the call, which his caller ID recognized as from Pearl's phone.

"Hel-"

"Engineer!" Pearl's frantic voice cried through the earpiece, making Engineer wince slightly at the volume, "We have a problem!"

Engineer idly noticed that in the background he could hear the familiar hum of the Gem Sloop 2's engine, a speedboat direct upgrade to the Gems' old Gem Sloop 1 which was a simple sailboat. Engineer had no idea how they were supposed to get anything done in a timely matter with only a sailboat as transport, so he and Pearl had constructed a larger, faster version. It could carry all twelve of their team with some extra room to spare for guns and ammo.

The Texan shook his head out of memory lane before answering Pearl, "Uh…can't you gals deal with this problem on your own? I mean, we're kinda in the middle of something at Badwater."

'In the middle' being a pretty gross understatement, given how Heavy-while ubercharged-was bearing down on his mechanical giant doppelganger with murderous intent. Everyone else was preoccupied with killing off Captain Punch's remaining three giant Medics before they ubercharged. Engineer's Sentry was whittling down the megabot's armor bit by bit, only changing targets to eliminate a flanking Scoutbot, Pyrobot, or flying Demobot. They could ill afford any distractions now.

"I know, I know, but this is important," Pearl said over the phone, sounding genuinely distressed that she had to bother the mercenaries with this, "It's about Steven."

Well _that_ certainly changed things, didn't it? Engineer didn't even think for half a moment before coming to his next conclusion, "Hold on, I'm patching this through the rest of the guys." Pearl dutifully remained quiet while Engineer opened the channel to the rest of the team's communicators.

"Oi truckie, why'd you open the channel?" Sniper said as he felt the communicator in his ear buzz with the distinctive sound that preceded the addition of someone to the network. He really didn't want to deal with another problem right now, he had just taken down another of the Giant Medics protecting Captain Punch, "Something the matter?"

"Fellas, we got a problem with Steven," Engineer answered, causing all eight of the other mercenaries to tense up in agitation, "Pearl's got the details."

"Alright," The alabaster Gem began, taking a breath to help calm her nerves, "Just before we left to take care of the island monster, Steven came up to our boat, trying to get in. Only he couldn't touch the water because…well, because he had shapeshifted his all of his fingers into hydrophobic cats!"

Silence reigned through the channel as everyone tried to absorb this information. Heavy was not so distracted, though, that he couldn't throw a backhanded punch over his shoulder, killing the cloaked Spybot that had been sneaking up on him, "What?" The giant said into the comms, unsure if he had heard correctly. Even so, Heavy continued to fire at one of Captain Punch's Medic companions until the 'bot had been torn to shreds.

"Uh-oh…" Scout mumbled aloud, "That ain't supposed to happen."

"Did you _know_ about this, Scout?!" Pearl cried, causing the mercenaries to flinch from the sudden increase in volume, "Why didn't you tell any of us about this?!"

"I didn't know he'd change _all_ of his fingers into cats!" Scout tried to defend himself, "Wow that's gotta be one of the weirdest things I've ever said…anyways, the last time I saw the kid he only managed to shapeshift _one_ of his fingers into a cat! No biggie, just a cute little cat-head on his finger!"

"No biggie-?" Pearl said, sounding utterly baffled, " _No biggie?!_ This isn't a normal shapeshift; Steven managed to create autonomous life using only his body! Do you have any idea of the consequences of an autonomous shapeshift? If Steven can't get his morphs under control, they could take control of his entire body!"

" _Fascinating_." Medic whispered over the comms, already thinking about the possibilities of such an ability.

Heavy spared a sidelong glance at the German-his intent clear without any words.

Medic blanched, "Er…I mean…how terrible?" He tried, somehow managing to force his care for Steven's wellbeing ahead of his need to learn how to create autonomous life himself.

Demoman launched a volley of grenades alongside a rain of Soldier's rockets, causing the third and final Giant Medic to disappear in a black cloud of smoke. When the smoke dissipated, only scraps remained.

Sniper grumbled as he lined up his next shot at Captain Punch's head-the robot too preoccupied with trying to pound Scout to protect itself, "Bloody hell, I _told_ Amethyst not to let this become a bloody problem!" A loud crack and the sudden jerk of the Captain's head signified a perfect hit.

"I _knew_ it!" Pearl screamed at someone in the background before turning all of her attention back to the call she was making, "In any case, Steven needs to be kept calm and his…cat fingers need to be controlled before this blossoms into a real problem. I _really_ hate to ask this, but since our mission is time sensitive we can't divert our attention now. Is there any way for some of you to go check on Steven for a little while?"

"Just give us a few minutes Pearl, we've almost got this licked," Engineer said as he pulled out his wrangler, giving his Sentry a shield and increasing its firing rate, "Then we'll send some of us home to make sure Steven stays calm. Don't worry about it."

Pearl released a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding, "Right, thank you for this Engineer. Sorry to cut this short, but we've almost arrived at our destination. Good luck with the rest of your fight!"

"Same to you," Engineer replied before terminating the call and turning all of his attention back to the bossbot moving through the area. It certainly looked much worse for wear, but it kept trucking forward all the same, swiping at any of the mercenaries that got too close. It moved too slowly at one point and allowed Spy to toss a sapper onto its rear. Much like Major Bomber, the device failed to completely shut down the behemoth, but it certainly slowed it down. Things seemed to be wrapping up pretty nicely after all, Engineer thought as he set down his wrangler and returned to whacking his Sentry.

The Texan tried very much not to imagine that he was pounding Scout's face with every heavy blow he landed. It wasn't working very well.

* * *

 **A few minutes later…**

In the end, three mercenaries were selected to return back to the beach house and look after Steven while the rest remained behind on standby in case some of the robots weren't as dead as they would've liked. Luckily they could also get a head start on salvaging what remained of their mechanical adversaries and repairing the defenses the robots had damaged or destroyed. To that end, Scout, Sniper and Medic were selected (volunteered) to go back home. Scout because the merc had actually been around when Steven first shapeshifted and might be a stabilizing presence even if he had no idea how to reverse the process. Sniper because he was the only one aside from Engineer and Scout who actually witnessed the cat-finger as Steven called it (and no matter what Engineer wasn't about to head back home and see his surrogate son get progressively more like a sneaky little backstabber nope nope nope) and was arguably one the best among the mercenaries when it came to keeping their calm. And Medic joined because the doctor had dealt with more than a few horrific mutations and may know a way to reverse it using a brand of his own insane biomedical science.

Hey, if all else fails Medic could just cut the shape-shifted flesh out of Steven's body like annoying tumors and regrow it to its normal look using his medigun, but that was a last resort. Even Medic had qualms about mentally scarring Steven by tearing his own body up in front of him.

Of course, open-heart surgery to add an uber-heart transplant wasn't part of that deal; something that Medic tried to stress to the rest of his team but their moral alignment rebelled against such an idea. Seeing your own innards was somehow less traumatizing than seeing one's own arm or leg lopped off at the joint.

Again, not that the mercenaries would know anything about traumatizing events-given that they were all basically insane to begin with-but it was the thought that counted.

At any rate, the trio of mercenaries made their way back to the teleporter at the old RED base, eager to get home and help Steven in his time of need. Though…one may have been more eager for different reasons, of course.

"Can you imagine? Autonomous growths on a living body! Completely independent of the body's main brain and neural netvork! Able to have its own likes and dislikes, no matter how harmful they may be to zhe host! Zhe implications behind such a discovery is astounding! Even _I_ have never managed to perfect zhe creation of an autonomous growth on a previously single-minded body!"

Scout pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance as he listened to Medic fangirl over Steven's affliction; he could deal with being forced to help Steven out with his shapeshifting problem, he had kind of been an enabler after all, but suffering through Medic's completely insensitive commentary on the wayside was just unfair. It didn't help at all that Sniper was simply choosing to ignore the good doctor, and rebutting any attempts Scout made towards conversation, so Scout couldn't distract himself.

Eventually, Scout had finally had enough when the group moved through the automatic sliding door leading to the main structure of the RED base.

"Of course, zhe problem vith autonomous growths is zhe fact zhat zhey may in fact rebel against zhe body's decisions in favor of zheir own…hmmm…perhaps I could create some sort of inhibiter to remove zhe growths if zhey become too troublesome-"

"Alright, Doc, can ya cut the chatter?" Scout snaps as he turns his head to the German, not ceasing his pace in the slightest and catching Medic off guard, "I'm sure this is really super interesting and everythin' to ya with what ya do and all, but we're headin' home to help Steven get _rid_ of these things, not ogle him like one of your weird-ass mutations!" Scout cut off his rant only to type the teleporter's passcode into his wristpad.

Medic sniffed; he appeared to be somewhat offended by Scout's words, "Vell, you don't have to be so combative about it," He complained as he pushed his glasses back up onto his face, "Steven's vellbeing is of course our primary concern. I was merely contemplating zhe future experiments I could conduct in zhe wake of zhis discovery. I vould never even consider using Steven in one of my studies."

"Then stop talking about this stuff when we get to the house then, mate," Sniper spoke up, looking through his sunglasses at the doctor, "In case you've forgotten, we're supposed to keep Steven calm. And I'm certain you're aware of how terrifying your speeches on experiments can get."

Medic's expression became thoughtful as he considered what Sniper had said-apparently he had failed to even think about the effects his musings might have on innocent and impressionable Steven. Then the moment passed, and Medic straightened up and cleared his throat, "Right. Yes. Of course."

"Great, 'cuz our ride just arrived." Scout announced as the teleporter on the floor lit up and started rotating. Without further ado, the trio hopped atop the device and waited for it to charge up fully. When it did they dissolved into particles of red energy and disappeared, only to reappear a picosecond later at the beach house. Almost immediately they caught sight of Steven on the floor by the front window.

Now, one must remember that Team Fortress had seen a lot of things over the years. From ancient, magic cursed eyeballs to horribly mutated bread monsters to hordes of their own undead corpses to the eldritch horrors that the corrupt Gems had somehow mutated into. Considering this, there was not much that could faze them anymore. This went doubly so for Medic, who created Cronenbergs in his laboratory on a regular basis just because he could.

So it's saying a lot when the three mercenaries visibly recoiled when they caught sight of Steven's body-Medic included.

"Guys! You came back!"

"Gaah!"

"Aaugh!"

"JESUS-! AH SHI-!" Scout tripped over his own legs from backing up too quickly and crashed to the crystalline floor on his back. He swiftly rose to his feet and stared in horror at the half-Gem, "Kid what the _fuck_ happened to ya?!"

He knew that he would suffer the wrath of Pearl later for using such language in front of Steven, but right now the Bostonian couldn't really care less. Steven's form was something straight out of one of H.R. Giger's nightmares. His right hand and foot had both been replaced with huge cat heads that were constantly mewling some sort of horrific cacophony. The fingers on his left hand were all miniature cat heads as well, and he had a tumor-esque cat face sprouting from his forehead. Lower down on his body, two cat heads had sprouted: one on top of Steven's right thigh and another a bit higher on his torso. Each and every cat was mewling and wailing in some kind of sick chorus known only to them.

Steven eyes were full of unshed tears-he looked absolutely terrified, and he a right to do so, "I-I dunno! I just changed the rest of my fingers into cats at the fry shop but then…I just lost control!" The half-Gem struggled to his feet, supporting himself on the nearby couch by the windowsill. Apparently his newly acquired cat-foot didn't take kindly to this and hissed wildly, causing Steven to fall flat on his face with a cry of surprise.

This was apparently enough to shock the mercenaries out of their shock as all three of them rushed to Steven's side, "Flip him over and support his back! Quickly!" Medic barked out, taking whatever charge of the situation he could. Scout and Sniper did as asked and each kneeled by one of Steven's sides. As gently as possible they flipped the child over, only to flinch in surprise once again when they saw that another cat head had blossomed into existence on Steven's forehead, and yet one more on his stomach-for what good it did, the cats appeared to avoid Steven's gem.

" _Mein gott…_ " Medic whispered as Steven's vitals appeared on his glasses' heads-up-display, "Steven, vhen did zhese mutations start occurring?" The doctor asked as he took Steven's cat-arm in his grasp and scrutinized the feline that had grafted itself in place of Steven's hand. The cat was displeased with this treatment and hissed at the German, only to receive a firm, but not painful, slap on its snout.

Steven-now being supported by Sniper and Scout looked fearful as he answered, "J-just a minute ago, maybe?"

"Alright…" Medic set down Steven's arm and moved down to the cat that had replaced his foot, "And vhat vere you doing at zhe time zhat may have aggravated zhe cats?"

"I was just trying to get them to change back to my normal fingers, but it just made things even worse!" Steven wailed, "I didn't want _more_ of them to start popping up! I swear!" In defiance of his words, another cat popped into existence on his left shoulder, mewling and hissing at Scout. The Bostonian reflexively punched the cat in the face, earning a pained mewl from the feline and a cry from Steven.

"Oh God!" Scout said when he realized what he did, "Shit, I'm sorry!"

Steven sniffed, "It's okay...you're just trying to help…" He said weakly as he gave an equally pathetic smile. Scout just felt worse due to this.

Medic-having been mumbling incoherently to himself in German for the past few moments-suddenly nodded and set down Steven's cat-foot, "I've got good news. Zhese constructs are too unstable-magically and biologically-to sustain zhemselves for very long vithout Steven's input," He gave Steven as gentle of a look as he possibly could, "Zhat means all you have to do is remain calm and _not_ zhink about cats for a few moments."

Steven gave the doctor a pleading look, "A-and then I'll be back to normal?" When Medic answered with a firm nod, Steven leaned his head back slightly and closed his eyes, trying to get himself under control.

"Yes, just like zhat Steven. Keep your mind clear and your eyes closed." Medic said encouragingly.

Idly, Steven noticed that Scout's and Sniper's grips on him grew slightly tighter all of sudden, but he paid it no further attention. All he had to do to return to normal was remain calm and not think about cats at all. Sounds easy enough.

" _Mew." "Rwooar." "Meeeewwl." "Mrrrrrowwww." "Arrrrowww."_

Only it wasn't working in the least. Without opening his eyes to peek, Steven could tell that several new cats had just popped into existence on his body. The half-Gem writhed in his caretakers' grips, "I-I can't do it! They just won't stop meowing! I can't concentrate!"

"Steven, just hold still for a sec." Sniper assuaged the child, patting the boy's arm comfortingly while still retaining an iron grip.

But it did Steven little good, "No! I-I'm gonna be stuck like this forever! Half-Gem, half-human, half…cat…thing! I'll have to leave and join the carnival where all the other freaks live! Nobody but you guys will ever know I was once just a human boy! I won't be able to go on magic adventures anymore, or explore old fortresses! I'll never get to fight Gem monsters or robots either! And all because I overdid my shapeshifting like Amethyst said not t-OW!"

Just as suddenly as the pinching sensation hit his neck, it left, leaving only a sore area of skin and the rest of the cats yowling at the sudden spike of pain as evidence that it not been some sort of phantom sensation. Steven quickly opened his eyes to find Medic moving away from his face. In the doctor's hand was a rather large syringe-one that bore a striking resemblance to the one Medic frequently used on Soldier when the patriot got out of hand. The stopper was pressed about one-fourth of the way down the vial, leaving the syringe only _mostly_ full of the whitish-clear fluid. Without another word, Medic tucked the syringe back into one of the pockets in his doctor's coat.

"Whu-" Steven tried to ask, but for some reason his tongue felt too heavy to form words and quit moving halfway into his first word. Now that he noticed it…his whole body seemed to be growing heavier by the second. Heck, even his vision was getting hazy…maybe he should take a nap now and when he woke up, things would be better? Yeah…a nap sounded good…Steven yawned once and promptly passed out into a dreamless sleep.

As Sniper and Scout watched, after Steven fell asleep, the cat-heads conked out as well, filling the air with the sound of kittens snoring. It'd have been pretty adorable, if the setting wasn't completely horrifying.

Sniper whipped his head to glare at Medic as the doctor examined Steven once again, "What the bloody hell was that about, doc?" He growled out, quietly, as to not perturb Steven or his cats.

"Heavy sedative," The German said absentmindedly as his hands ran over the tumor-like cats on Steven's forehead, "And his conscious mind is going to be completely unresponsive to any external stimuli for zhe next…oh let me see…two to zhree hours. So feel free to speak aloud."

Scout smiled sickeningly sweetly at Medic, "Okay, you got it doc," He said happily before taking a deep breath, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?!"

Medic scowled at the Bostonian, who returned with a powerful grimace of his own, "Obviously, Steven vasn't going to be able to calm down before zhe situation became too dire. To zhat end I merely…gave him a helping hand."

"With a _heavy_ sedative?" Sniper groused, looking almost as peeved as Scout, "You developed that stuff to put down Soldier when the bloke goes on a bloody rampage! Too much of it could kill one of _us,_ let alone someone of Steven's size!"

"Steven has an advanced metabolism and immune system-likely due to zhe fact zhat he draws his very lifeforce from his mozher's gem-so he's actually fairly resistant to pharmaceuticals, no matter zheir make. Zhat aside, I used only one quarter of a full dosage to be on zhe safe side," Medic gave his two teammates a glare of his own, "Vhat kind of doctor do you take me for, anyvay?"

"The crazy kind." Scout mumbled.

Medic's glare turned dry as he stared at Scout, "Zhat is a given."

Sniper turned back to the mutant cat heads on Steven's body; they didn't show any particular signs of getting ready to change back, "Oi, doc, how long until these cats go away now that Steven's calmed down?"

"By allowing zhem to degenerate naturally?" Medic clarified Sniper's statement, "Steven should be back to normal vithin an hour or so."

"Didn't you say that if Steven ignored them they'd be gone in a few minutes?"

"Zhey vould have, if Steven had remained completely conscious for zhe duration. By sedating him I've slowed down all of his body's processes vastly. Zhis includes his innate ability to purge imperfections from his body," Medic prodded one of the cat heads on Steven's stomach, "Zhus, it will take longer for zhe cats to degenerate to normal flesh zhan it vould have before."

Scout frowned, "So…all we gotta do is just wait for a bit and Steven'll be back to normal?"

"Basically," Medic answered. The doctor continued to examine the out-of-control morphs for a moment before his eyes lit up, "Alzhough…" Medic turned to Sniper and quirked a brow at the Australian, "Didn't Pearl mention zhat zhese creatures vere hydrophobic?"

Sniper nodded, than blinked as something occurred to him. He set Steven down on the ground and stood up, making his way over to the nearby bathroom, "I'll draw a bath."

"Excellent," Medic said with a smile, "If ve let Steven soak in zhe water for a few minutes, his body should return to its normal state more quickly." The doctor stood up as well and moved to join Sniper.

Scout, still by Steven's side, removed his cap and wiped the sweat off of his brow, "Ah jeez, that was freakin' nuts man. Thank God we fixed this so quickly…"

"Oh! Zhat reminds me," Medic chimed up and he leaned out of the bathroom's doorframe, "Scout, you know zhe rule about swearing in front of Steven."

The Bostonian sighed-he had been hoping that Medic had forgotten his slip in the excitement, "Right right, yeah, a fiver in the jar and one of my hats to the collection, I know. Don't ride my ass about this, doc, ya' pumped the kid fulla drugs."

Medic disappeared into the bathroom, "I believe zhe fact zhat I saved Steven from a horrible mutation is more zhan enough to offset my actions here." He said, sounding confident in his accomplishments.

Unfortunately, Medic would be proven wrong hours later when the Gems and rest of the mercenaries returned home to find an unconscious (but cat-free) Steven laid out on the living room couch. Pearl had beaten him over the head with her spear for administering such a powerful anesthetic alone, and the rest of his team stood by and watched in amusement.

Don't worry though; Medic healed the slight skull fractures he had suffered within moments of receiving them. And when Steven awoke-after shaking off what remained of the sedative-he had downplayed his suffering with bad cat puns.

Everyone departed for their own quarters rather quickly after that.

* * *

 _ **Server Map Change initiated. Disconnecting from current map.**_

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 _ **Now loading… spectator_stevenandconnie**_

"Is he gonna do it? I think he's talking to her right now…"

"Maybe, but I don't believe so. More likely he's trying to warm himself up before actually talking to this young lady."

"Heck, I'm gonna text the others about this either way. We've been waiting on this for a _long_ time coming. Gotta make sure everything ready when it finally happens."

"I still think this is a bit of an invasion of Steven's privacy…maybe we shouldn't go through with this after all…"

"Is not invasion of privacy if we do not attempt to coax Steven in right direction. Merely…making sure things go smoothly."

"Besides, Garent'll pound us if we try to actually interfere here. Right, G?"

"Correct."

Pearl, Garnet, Amethyst, Scout, Spy and Heavy were looking out of the beach house's front window and down at the waterline. There, Steven sat on his propped-up bike as he attempted to initiate a conversation with a dark-haired Indian girl reading her book underneath the cliffs. The girl wore a set of large, pink-tinted glasses, indicating slight trouble with her vision. She wore a modest but nonetheless adorable white-and-seafoam-green dress and had a set of pink boots covering her feet. Aside from her clothing, however, little could be discerned from the young girl, as she seemed completely engrossed in her book-to the point where she wasn't even acknowledging Steven while the half-Gem attempted to talk to her. The girl had been making regular visits to the beach for the past two months, though she seemed less impressed with the atmosphere and more attentive to whatever book she was reading. The regular inhabitants of the beach house had thought nothing of her visits initially.

Steven, however, reacted differently. He appeared to be spending a not-insignificant amount of time observing the young lady and attempting to converse with her over the past several weeks. An amount of time that went not unnoticed by Spy's silent and ever-present vigil and Engineer's handy-dandy security cameras. Of course, once one of the mercenaries knew something, it eventually spread to the rest of their crew, Gems included, to the point where Steven's interest in the girl became an open secret among the city's protectors. Though they were careful to hide their knowledge of the situation in any way possible, lest Steven catch on to their charade. Most of the mercenaries and all of the Gems thought that Steven's crush on the girl was cute beyond belief, especially since the well-spoken, people-pleaser seemed to lose track of his own words whenever he spoke with her, or at least tried to speak with her. Spy and Sniper, however, didn't get where they were today without a hefty degree of caution and only just a hint of paranoia. So they set out to scope out this girl that Steven had taken an interest in.

"I still think that the personal profile you made on this girl and her family was a bit unwarranted," Pearl said to Spy, who was thumbing through a manila folder in his gloved grip. The alabaster Gem gave the espionage expert a cautious look, "It seemed a little far-fetched to expect that she was some sort of agent, or something."

"Gray once seriously considered using his only daughter to subvert control of Mann Co.," Spy replied as he snapped the folder shut, revealing it labeled with the name 'Connie Maheswaran' in bold red lettering. The Frenchman returned Pearl's look with one of his own, "Forgive me for expecting the worst in this situation. At any rate, it would've helped us to discover if this 'Connie's' parents had any criminal history whatsoever."

"And did they?" Pearl asked dryly, quirking a brow.

Spy moved his cigarette around in his mouth before answering, "No. Priyanka Maheswaran is a very accomplished surgeon at a nearby hospital, and her husband, Douglas Maheswaran is a private security guard. Both appear to be upstanding member of society and their backgrounds check out with no discrepancies."

"Hm," Pearl hummed with a smirk and superior look, "I thought so."

Spy narrowed his eyes, "I apologize for taking care with regards to a strange girl suddenly showing up near our base and drawing Steven's attention, despite returning none of it herself. Never forget our number one rule…"

"Everyone is a Spy." Scout, Heavy and Spy chorused, with Amethyst following only a beat behind. The short Gem was busy typing away into her phone, writing out a text message for those not present to see. A few moments after she sent it, a notification popped up and she smiled at the reply.

"Pyro and Engie are getting everything set up just in case we finally see some action today," Amethyst announced to the room at large, "And they're gathering everyone else in Engie's room. Man, I really hope Steven takes the plunge today…"

"Oh, oh wait!" Scout interrupted as he pressed himself against the glass to get a better vantage point, "I think something's happening! It-nevermind, Steven just fell off his bike. I gotta teach that kid how to balance. And now he's running up here."

Amethyst had just tucked her phone away when Steven burst through the front door, quickly shutting it behind him. The half-Gem took a moment to catch his breath and let his eyes wander. Steven froze when he realized he had an audience, but he quickly shifted into a confident pose, leaning against the screen door he had just ran through, "Whaddup?" Steven tried to sound casual and failed miserably.

Playing dumb to keep Steven in the dark, Spy looked to the young boy, "Who was that you were talking to down there?"

"Huh?" Steven said, trying to play dumb himself. Though the nervous sweat was kind of a giveaway, "What do you mean?"

Garnet crossed her arms over her chest, "That girl. The one reading that book."

"Yeah, you just dropped your bike down there. Don't pretend like ya don't know who we're talking about," Scout called over from his position leaning on the nearby wall, "We saw the whole thing."

"You did?!" Steven cried as his face flushed red. The half-Gem took a moment to compose himself before continuing, "She's just this girl I know. Except…she doesn't know me. We've never talked…"

"But you liiiiiiike heeeer~!" Amethyst drew the words out in a sing-song voice. The purple Gem walked up to Steven and smushed the boy's cheeks together, "Riiight~?"

"Mmf…I like everyone…" Steven says as he manages to push Amethyst's hands away from his face.

"Why have you not spoken with girl yet?" Heavy rumbles as he gives the boy a glance, "Are you nervous?" It was blatantly obvious that the boy was, but Steven being nervous was a very rare occasion. Heck, the kid didn't even bat an eye at the giant robot before rushing the thing to place the Moon Goddess Statue.

Steven avoided everyone's gazes for a moment, "Noooo…well, maybe just a little," He eventually admitted, much to everyone else's amusement, "But I'm just waiting for the right time to talk to her!"

Garnet gave the boy one of her gentle smiles, "You should wait until you're ready before talking to her."

"But I AM ready!" Steven claimed as stars danced in his eyes, "Today's the day! I just know it!" The boy's determination wavered for a moment when he saw everyone staring expectantly at him. Steven pointed a finger at them, "But you guys can't watch this time! It'll mess up my funky flow!"

"Funky flow?" Everyone but Garnet wondered aloud. Scout was the first to recover, as usual, and gave Steven a reassuring grin, "Alright kiddo, we won't watch your little date from up here."

"Great!" Steven said as he rushed to the freezer before suddenly stopping and rounding on the Bostonian, "And it's not a date!" He clarified before opening the freezer and reaching inside-careful to mind the piles of Cookie Cats inside. The half-Gem grabbed an orange, glowing bracelet from inside and jogged back to the door.

Amethyst, only half paying attention as she was preoccupied on her phone, looked up and quirked an eyebrow at Steven, "What's that?"

"Nothing!" Steven called back before running back outside, careful to close the door behind him.

Scout leans forward and peers out the window, watching Steven dash down the stairs. Once the boy was halfway down he jumped off of the wall and grabbed Pearl's and Spy's wrists in his grip, "C'mon! C'mon we gotta hurry or we'll miss it! Move it you two!" Scout started to drag the two towards the teleporter at the end of the room.

"Alright!" Pearl said as she wrenched her wrist from the Bostonian's grasp with a look of irritation, "There's no need for that, we're right behind you." A moment later Spy pulls his own wrist out of Scout's hold and spends a moment rotating his cuff while glaring at Scout.

As usual, Scout doesn't hear Pearl and ignores Spy's vicious looks. He busies himself by typing an access code into his wrist-mounted pad, "Amethyst, what's the word?"

"I just told Engie what's going on," She replies as she walks up with Garnet and Heavy, though she is still looking at her messages, "He's got everything set up and ready to go," The purple Gem tucks her phone into her bust and smile cheekily at her partner, "They've been waiting for this to finally happen too!"

"Perfect!" Scout says as the teleporter accepts his code and fires up, "Everyone get on! Hurry up!" The others in the room quickly comply with Scout's command and hop onto the teleporter with a bit of squeezing. There's a bright flash and they reappear inside of Engineer's stereotypical southern room. They're not the only ones there, too.

"'Ey! Ye made it!" Demo cheers as he looks over at the new arrivals from where he and the remaining mercenaries were gathered around Engineer's many-screened supercomputer. When he made his declaration, Soldier, Pyro, Medic and Sniper spared a glance behind them to wave or nod at the six who had just teleported in, "Come on over! We've got plenty of room!"

The Gems and three remaining mercenaries oblige Demo's request and walk over to gather around Engineer's computer, where the Texan himself was hard at work typing something into his console, "Hey there, fellas," Engineer said without looking back, "I've almost got this. Just a second more and-!" The many screens of Engineer's supercomputer flashed white for a second before they all linked together. Now onscreen was a wide-lens view of the beach beneath the cliffs. Coincidentally, this was where the Indian girl Connie was seated, and as the twelve watched, Steven moved into the picture, mumbling to himself and looking distinctly nervous.

Engineer grinned as the screens flickered on, "And we're in business!" He declares, much to the residents' joy.

Back when the mercenaries and Gems were discussing what kind of relationship Steven and Connie might have, it became very obvious that everyone wanted to be a bug on the wall during the two's first meeting. While Spy was the only one who had the skill to properly use a cloaking device, the others had a better solution-just use the security cams! Surprisingly, it had been Soldier who suggested the use of cameras for spying. He had been reminded of a very familiar situation he, Demo and Spy had pulled back in the 1960's to watch how Scout would handle a 'date' with Miss Pauling.

The evening had ended with fighting a giant homicidal bread monster, so in Soldier's humble opinion, it was a complete success. Most of the others would probably disagree with that particular notion, but Soldier never paid them much mind.

To that end Engineer had rigged his supercomputer up into an impromptu theater where everyone could watch Steven's meeting with Connie while not technically 'watching' him, really. Of course, not everyone was completely sold on this idea.

"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Pearl said as her eyes flickered to and from the screen, somehow unable to turn away fully yet unwilling to watch in its entirety, "Steven did ask us to not watch him…"

"We're not," Soldier pointed out, "We're just watching the camera that just so happens to be watching Steven."

Pearl gave the patriot a dry look, "Yes, well not all of us are completely guilt-free about the idea of spying on children."

"This is not _spying_!" Soldier declared adamantly, drowning out the speakers on Engie's computer, "We are gathering intel about a high-priority target! That is known as _recon!_ Most certainly not spying!"

"Shush." Garnet shushed the two, giving them each a pointed glance. The bickering duo quickly clammed up and turned to watch the screen. Garnet likewise shifted her gaze to the computer. Normally, the tall Gem was all for the privacy of relationships and understood their sanctity. Of course, this was her Steven that was probably going to take his first steps into this without fully realizing the ramifications. The least they could do was watch over him while he made his own decisions-good and bad-without too much help from the outside. Oh, she was more than willing to lend Steven a hand in helping make 'friends' with this Connie girl, but only if Steven were to come out and ask her himself. Until he asked for explicit instruction, she would respect Steven's wishes to make his own decisions. And if the others would try to give advice when it was not wanted, well, Garnet would be there to keep them in line. So Garnet was fine with just watching and not interfering, at least for the time being.

' _Besides'_ , Garnet thought to herself with a slight smirk, _'This is pretty fun.'_

On one end of the group, Scout popped two cans of soda and handed one off to Amethyst before turning his attention back to the screen. His purple-skinned friend gratefully accepted the drink and took a deep swig from the can. After a second she came up for air and let out a pleased sigh. She turned to Scout, "Going for the soft stuff?"

"Heck yeah," Scout said after finishing a drink of his own, "I ain't bringing out the hard soda; I need to be sober for this. It'll be much more cringe-worthy when I can actually make out what's goin' on."

"A fair point," Amethyst conceded as she finished off her drink and crumpled up the can into a ball. She tossed the malformed aluminum into her maw and, after a bit of teeth-grinding, swallowed the recyclable. The purple Gem held out an empty hand and made grasping motions with it, "Next one." Not even slightly off-put Scout tossed her another can, which she accepted gratefully before chugging once more.

"Alright, everyone!" Engineer said, turning the group's focus to him, "Here we go!" The Texan flicked on the speakers and turned off the lights in his room. Everyone quieted down and turned their complete attention to the screen.

"Hundred dollars says this gets interrupted by a monster attack." Sniper whispered to Spy.

The Frenchman chuckled and shook his head, "With the tremors we've been getting? Only a fool would take that bet."

Sniper shrugged, "Worth a shot at least."

* * *

As Steven walked along the rugged Cliffside, completely oblivious to the fact that he was being watched even at that moment, he continued to think of how he would go about introducing himself to the girl who had so far been completely ignorant of his existence. Not that that was anyone's fault but his own of course, but it still made deciding about his next course of action a bit more nerve-wracking than usual. And he usually had a knack for getting people on his side too! What did Garnet call it again…? Charisma! That was it.

' _Okay, focus'_ , Steven thought to himself as he took a breath, calming his nerves, _'All I have to do is go up and say hello. That's not hard, I've done it a million times!'_ The half-Gem's confidence flared up for a few moments, only to falter once more when Steven considered something else, _'But…maybe I should try to sound cooler…Spy_ always _says how important first impressions are…'_ Steven's train of thought derailed as he noticed that he was getting awfully close to where the girl was sitting comfortably underneath the shade of the cliff face behind her. Like every other time he'd seen her, the girl seemed to be completely oblivious to Steven's existence. But that would swiftly change, if Steven had anything to say about it!

"Right!" Steven said aloud as he pounded his fist into his palm resolutely, ready for his plan of action, "Time to make a good first impression," The boy cleared his throat and started practicing the many ways he could introduce himself.

"Hi! My name is Steven," Hmmm…perhaps a bit too forward and excitable. Maybe a different tactic should work, "Hi, my name is Ste-ven," No no, that's putting too much emphasis on his name! That sounds too awkward, one more time, "Hi my name is…Stevan?" Where the heck did that even come from?

Before Steven could even begin to wonder what made him butcher his own name so badly, a loud roar drowned out almost all other sound. The earth began to shake violently beneath his feet. He wasn't the only one affect by this tremor, though. The dark-haired girl was also upset by the dramatic shifting of the earth. Luckily she was seated, and thus in very little danger of toppling over, so she would likely be fine.

That was what Steven had thought, until a viciously loud cracking sound split the air. The half-Gem's eyes flew upwards to the top of the rocky cliff, where a rather large slab of stone had broken away from the rest of the rock face. Now free, the rubble adhered to the laws of gravity and sped swiftly downwards to the sandy beach.

Right above where a certain bookish girl happened to be sitting, as disheveled as she was.

Steven gasped, horrified, and did the first thing that came to mind: he sprinted towards the girl with all the fury of a ballistic missile and tackled her to the ground, landing protectively over her.

"Hi, my name is Steven!" He panic-yelled at the girl, who's terrified expression only grew more frightened as she finally noticed the large shard of rock falling towards them. She covers her eyes and Steven, although he's already looking down, does the same.

Unbeknownst to either of them, Steven's Rose Quartz gem shined a brilliant pink as it recognized and resonated with Steven's fear and will to protect. The gem's glow grew incredibly intense for a moment, and then suddenly winked out. Though not without leaving something else in its place.

There was an earsplitting sound of heavy rock shattering as the fallen rubble met with an impregnable defense.

* * *

Silence reigned in Engineer's room as all twelve of the inhabitants stared at the screen in openmouthed shock. There, Steven stood protectively over Connie as he attempted to push the young girl out of harm's way. Instead of merely tackling her to the ground, however, Steven had done something rather unexpected in order to defend both Connie and himself from the falling rock. For encasing both of the children in its pink, transparent and deceptively strong shell was a very familiar looking bubble.

Namely, it was a dead-ringer for the very bubble Rose Quartz had used to protect herself and her allies on the fields of battle. Even the mercenaries recognized it on sight, all having enjoyed the pleasure of being shielded within the magical shell at least once or twice during their time with the Crystal Gems' leader.

Seeing Steven (unconsciously) summon his mother's bubble came completely unexpected to all who witnessed it. The Gems were all set to rush out and protect Steven from that falling slab of rock- _interference in a budding relationship be damned before Steven's safety_ , Garnet said-with the mercenaries not far behind, but this new development simply caught everyone off-guard and had them fully mesmerized. Hell, Pearl wasn't even chastising Amethyst for spraying her mouthful of soda all across one of the lower screens from when the rock first fell.

Medic blinked for a few more seconds before gathering enough mental power to close his mouth. The German then slowly removed his glasses, polished them on the edge of his doctor's coat, and replaced them in their normal position. After a few more moments of looking at the screen with his cleaned specs and still seeing the same image, Medic pulled a needle out from the folds of his coat and jabbed Scout in the back with it.

"Ow!" Scout yelled, the sharp pain shocking him out of his trance. The Bostonian rubbed his sore back where Medic had stabbed him and turned on the German, fury in his eyes, "What the hell was that about?!"

"Just checking to see zhat I'm still in reality." Medic answered in a dreamy, almost wispy voice.

"Aren't you supposed to jab yourself if that's the case?" Scout snarked back at the doctor.

Medic took umbrage at this statement and refocused on the scrawny runner. He then proceeded to stab Scout multiple times with his needle until Scout finally managed to escape the doctor's wrath. Luckily the jabs from the small needle weren't particularly wounding, as the tool was mostly used to induce hurt rather than physical damage.

That didn't make getting stabbed in the back with a needle any less painful than normal, of course, as Scout continued to nurse the area where the doctor had poked him.

By this point, the other inhabitants of the room were escaping the grips of their shock as well. Scout's girly shriek of pain had certainly been very helpful in that department, at least. Pearl blinked slowly as her thoughts finally managed to get back on track after being so horribly derailed.

"Did…did Steven just summon Rose's bubble?" She asked uncertainly as she pointed at the screen, turning from side to side to gauge her friend's reactions, "Did that really just happen?"

"I think so…" Spy muttered as he too stared at the screen. The Frenchman turned to look at Engineer after a moment, "Laborer, is there any chance that this is merely a video error of some sort?"

The Texan typed a few commands into the console in front of him, causing the screen on the bottom-right corner of the array to shift into a diagnostic mode. Engineer pressed a few more keys on his keyboard and the machine spat out a digital page of information. The inventor scanned the document for a few seconds, "Uh…nope," He answered finally, "There's no problem with the hardware or software that I can detect. And, if these readings are any indication," Here Engineer pointed to a particular area of code on the screen, "Then that bubble is one-hundred percent magical in nature."

Silence was heavy in the room once more as everyone took a few moments and digested that information.

Then a series of ragged cheers split the air as the Gems and mercenaries professed their pride in Steven's newest accomplishment.

"Ha HA!" Heavy cheered as he pumped one of his huge fists into the air, "Steven is developing powers! This is great news!"

"Mhoo hoo hoo hoo!" Pyro giggles at it claps its hands excitedly.

"Bloody amazing!" Demoman laughed as he clapped his hands, "I knew the kid had it in 'im!"

"Heck yeah, Steve-o!" Amethyst whooped, throwing her half-full can of soda around wildly.

Pearl dodged the splashes of the sticky soft drink that escaped the can and frowned ruefully at the short Gem. She knew that this was a rather momentous occasion, indicative of Steven's growth as a Gem and a person, but that certainly didn't excuse the reckless celebration Amethyst and the mercenaries were participating in. Pearl's attention was quickly drawn back to the screens, however, when she saw Steven pushing at the walls of the bubble. The boy appeared to be attempting to either move the bubble or dispel it, Pearl wasn't entirely sure which. Steven then said something to Connie, who was also in the bubble, but no sound came through the speakers on the computer.

"Why can't we hear what they're saying?" Pearl asked Engineer, who was messing around with his console once again, "Is there something wrong with the audio system?"

"Hold on," The Texan mumbled as he peered at the readings on his diagnostic screen once again before returning to work on his console, "Trying to bypass the bubble's telemetry field so we can actually pick up some soundwaves from in there. Thing's blocking almost everything from getting in or out…"

"Are they in any danger?" Pearl asked worriedly as she stared at the two bubbled children, her words making the others in the room cautious as well, "Steven most likely can't fully control the bubble's field. If he wanted to protect this Connie girl but didn't specify any particular conditions, the bubble could be completely airtight!"

"I said the thing is blocking _almost_ everything from getting in or out," Engineer clarified, setting Pearl and many of the mercenaries at ease, "Steven can't fully control the bubble yet, no doubt since he just summoned the thing, but his powers certainly wouldn't put him in a situation where he could potentially get hurt himself. He's still half-human, so he needs to breath like regular organics. So that means-"

"The bubble _isn't_ completely airtight," Garnet finished stoically as she stared at the duo as they pushed the bubble around, "There has to be a way for fresh air to travel in and out of it. Otherwise they'd just start suffocating on CO2 when they used up all the pure air that was trapped in the bubble."

Engineer stopped typing at his keyboard and gave Garnet a cautious look for a few seconds at her admittedly blunt statement-he was joined by most of the others in his room a moment later, "Er…yeah, I was just about to say that. Maybe not in those exact words, though…" He trailed off as he continued to type commands into his console.

"Damn, G," Amethyst said as she gave the taller Gem a weird look, "That was kinda savage…"

"I'm not wrong." Garnet defended herself.

"But!" Engineer declared, drawing all attention to him once again, "That means I can find the arcane frequency the bubble is operating on and…" The Texan tapped a final key on his console and the speakers on his computer crackled to life once more.

" _-dad works for a bunch of different beaches, so we're never in the same place long."_

" _Oh, that's kinda cool! I go on adventures with the Gems and the guys sometimes. They usually say it's too dangerous for me though."_

Engineer smirked when the two voices-one masculine and familiar, one feminine and different-came through the speakers, even slightly distorted, "Bypass the field remotely by mimicking the same signal."

The mercenaries looked pleased that they had commentary to go along with their video once again, while the Gems seemed fairly impressed that Engineer managed to crack the secret behind Rose's bubble the way he did, "This…is incredible!" Pearl said, elated, only for her mood to evaporate a second later as she considered the implications behind this revelation, "But…couldn't you use this signal mimic to bypass the bubble's defenses completely and attack whoever is inside?"

"In theory? Probaby," Engineer admitted, though he was quick to counter his statement once the Gems grew panicked that one of Rose's primary means of defense was so easily subverted, "But it's not going to happen for a good long while, at least. I had trouble finding the one frequency that the bubble neglected to defend against, and I have this big ol' supercomputer here to help me with it. Even if Gray or whoever did figure out the bubble's weakness, he'd need to attune energy weapons to the signal first-projectile weapons don't have frequencies to change, so they'd be useless," Engineer waved a hand at the bubble on the screen once more, "Besides, the bubble's main purpose is _defensive_. If anything tried to pass through its field attempting to hurt whoever was inside, the bubble would shift frequencies to counter the intrusion, thus forcing any attackers to detect and alter arcane signals on the fly, or just eliminate them for a short time completely."

The Gems all visibly relaxed at this statement, and Pearl let out a relieved breath, "Good. For a second there, I was worried…" Pearl admitted.

"Magic's weird," Engineer said with a shrug (understatement of the century), "It kinda just makes up its own rules whenever it wants. The best I can do is try and trick it into thinking I'm benign, which, I obviously am, but that's beside the point. Anything else and I risk triggering some sort of defense that shifts the frequency of the bubble."

"Yeah yeah, that's great and all Truckie," Sniper said as he waved Engineer down, "Now shut your yap for a second, Steven's just rolled up to the house."

Everyone quiets down and turns to the screen once more, where Steven and Connie had indeed rolled their bubble up to the bottom of their home's wooden staircase. They looked as though they wanted to press on, but the staircase was simply too steep for them to roll up.

Steven seemed particularly disgruntled, _"Awww, what?"_ He groaned when he realized his predicament. The half-Gem then turned his gaze upward to the main body of the house, _"Hey guys! Garnet! Heavy! Help!"_ , Steven cupped his hands over his mouth in an attempt to amplify his voice.

When no response was forthcoming, Connie turned to her partner in the bubble, _"I don't think they can hear you."_

Steven seemed to consider this for a moment, and then slapped himself in the face with an open palm, _"Aawww…That's right. I told them not to watch…Oh, wait, maybe I can…"_ The young boy pulled his phone out from his pocket and pressed one of the numbers he had on speed dial. After a few seconds, Steven let out an agitated huff, _"Darn it, no bars here…"_

Connie scratched her chin in thought and looked back up to the wooden beach house, _"We can just wait here until they come out."_

" _No, no no, it's okay!"_ Steven tried to assure his unwilling passenger, _"I've got other friends that can help instead. C'mon!"_

With that, the two began to roll away from the beach house and towards the town.

After a moment, everyone in Engineer's room looked at each other. Scout is the first one to speak up, "Sooo…does this count as some kinda emergency? Should we give them a hand?"

"Hmmm…" Garnet hummed to herself as she adjusted her shades, "Perhaps it would be best to allow Steven and Connie to try and work through this on their own. If Connie is going to be spending any time with Steven after this, she'll need to be prepared to deal with magical situations such as this."

Pearl nodded along with Garnet's words, "Very true. Additionally, as much as I would love to help Steven understand his new power, this is something that Steven will have to learn on his own how to control."

"Wow, Pearl," Amethyst said as she jabbed the Gem in question with her elbow, "I thought for sure you'd go full control-freak on this one."

The alabaster Gem sniffed, "Unlike _some_ of us," She put extra emphasis on the 'us' just for posterity, "I know when I should leave well enough alone."

"Psh…" Scout huffed out as he whispered to Amethyst, "Wish she'd leave us alone more often."

The purple Gem laughed lightly, though she quickly quieted down when Pearl turned back to look at them. She held the two's gaze for a few more seconds before looking back to the screen.

" 'Ey," Demoman said as he watched the bubble and its two passengers slowly drift away from the Temple, "We ain't gonna lose the two if they go into town, are we?"

"Nah," Engineer said as he typed another command into his console, "We've got plenty of cams set up around the city just in case of an emergency. Just give me a second to find out where the two are headed…"

* * *

Twelve disgruntled faces watched as a tall, lanky teen in a Big Donut t-shirt laughed hysterically at Steven and Connie in their bubble while a second, shorter, teen attempted to break the pink shell holding them prisoner with a hammer. It was an exercise in futility; the mercenaries and Gems knew that the bubble could hold up against incredible force without showing so much as a scratch. What Sadie was doing was having about as much effect as spraying the bubble with a water gun. At least she was _trying_ to help the two children to escape their predicament, which was more than what could be said for Lars.

"I hate that guy," Scout seethed as he stared menacingly at the hysteric teen, "Like, a lot. Why haven't we taught him a real lesson yet?" He asked the room at large.

"I tried to," Soldier grumbled, remembering the teen from previous experiences, "Maggot is quicker than he looks."

"And as I recall, you received a fine for disturbing the peace that day," Spy reminded the patriot, "You're lucky that's all you got-he could've stuck you on the charge of attempted assault."

"I wasn't going to hurt him!" Soldier protested. The looks he received from everyone in the room caused him to reword his statement to something a bit more truthful, "Permanently."

Spy rolled his eyes, "Regardless, we can't just go around assaulting anyone we want like we have in the past. We don't have the resources to cover something like this up."

"Also, we shouldn't terrorize that young human because it's morally reprehensible and ethically wrong?" Pearl said, gesturing for Spy to continue on with his statement.

"Right, that too, of course." The Frenchman said distractedly.

Pearl sighed in defeat.

"I dunno man," Amethyst said as she looked at Lars-still making fun of Steven and Connie-with an uncharacteristically thoughtful expression, "I could probably pass for a kid myself, ya'know."

"Amethyst…"

"It wouldn't be so weird for a teen to beat up someone their own age, right?"

"Amethyst."

"I'm just saying, it should be on the table, right?"

"Amethyst!"

"Okay…" Engineer sighed as he tried to tune out Pearl and Amethyst's bickering in the background and instead focused on where Steven and Connie might be going to next, "Moving swiftly on…"

* * *

"A _harpoon gun_? Is Steven _crazy?!_ "

"He is child. Children make rash decisions."

"I'm pretty sure most children don't consider getting shot at by a rusty deep-sea spear, Heavy!"

"Most children are also not able to summon protective magical bubbles as well."

"…My point still stands."

"Guys, shut up I wanna see what happens here! Onion's lining up his shot, aaaaaaand…"

*swoosh**tink**CRASH*

"HA! AH HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Well, that went about as well as any of us could've hoped. I really hope there weren't any people on that boat though…"

"Probably not, it doesn't look like it anyways. Hey Engie, how's our collateral looking so far?"

"Well, let's be generous and say about thirty dollars for the stool that Sadie broke on the bubble earlier. Counting the trawler that just got sunk…maybe set aside three-hundred, three-fifty k just to be careful."

"Alrighty, nothing too bad so far. Looks like we won't actually be breaking the bank this time. I just wonder where Steven's going to head next to try and pop this bubble."

"I dunno man, it's gonna be pretty hard to top this harpoon gun thing."

"Don't tempt fate, Amethyst."

"Aw, please. When are you guys gonna quit with this superstitious crap?"

* * *

"Okay, maybe this _is_ getting a little out of hand…"

Amethyst reluctantly admitted as she watched Steven and Connie wheel themselves down Beach City Funland's boardwalk, heading straight for the kiddie coaster. Everyone was understandably unsettled by this.

"Ya _think_?" Scout almost shouted at the short Gem, "Jesus, if that bubble wasn't friggin' indestructible I think I'd be having a heart attack here."

"No you vouldn't," Medic assured the Bostonian without looking at him, "Your uber-heart transplant actually keeps cardiac arrest from occurring. Zhe most you vould suffer is some slight chest pains."

"Not helping!"

At the back of the group, a few individuals were having a minor dispute.

"Garnet, I'm fairly certain that this qualifies as an emergency," Pearl tried to implore the larger Gem without sounding too hysterical, "Steven is about to place himself in front of a _moving vehicle_. Even with the bubble protecting them, I don't think we should just let them be!"

"I'm siding wit' Pearl on this one," Demoman said as he stepped up, "This is getting too dangerous, not ta' mention Steven being somehow even more reckless than Soldier for some reason. If we're going to interfere at all, now would be the right time ta' do it!"

"Lttts gooooo!" Pyro mumbled as it shook a fist at Garnet.

But the ebony Gem stood resolute. She held out her hands in a placating gesture, "Listen, everything will work out for the best in the end. Despite appearances, there is actually a very small chance of Steven or Connie getting hurt here. If we were to interfere now, we could potentially do more harm than good."

Garnet's words did little to comfort those who still had their doubts, though they did back down from pressing the Gem any further. They turned their attention back to the screen when they heard Steven's voice once again.

" _Alright, we just roll down this ramp as the carts are coming at us, and the crash will break us free!"_

"… _What happens_ after _the bubble pops?"_ Connie's concerned voice asked.

" _We'll be free!"_

…

…

"Soldier, I am going to kill you." Pearl said in the most deadpan voice she could muster.

"This isn't _my_ fault!" The rocketeer protests. A moment later he considers the idea a bit more thoroughly, "Though, I have to say I approve the plan. The logic seems very sound."

Engineer banged his head against his desk with an audible thump, "Oh God, Steven's been spending way too much time with you…he must have lost too many brain cells just from being in close proximity."

"Look-"

But Soldier would never get the chance to defend himself, for at that moment a tremor shook the very foundation of the Fortress. This caused anyone not currently seated to get thrown around a bit by the quakes. The Gems managed to recover fairly quickly, though the mercenaries took an extra moment.

Garnet pushed her way up to Engineer's seat at the front of the computer, "What's going on?"

"More tectonic disturbances," The Texan replied as he brought up another diagnostic screen, "But they're getting stronger now. Whatever is causing these must be getting pretty close to the city-"

" _Aaaaaaah!"_

" _Waaaah!"_

Everyone's heads snapped up when they heard Steven's panicked cry accompanied by Connie's own shrill shriek. The majority of the screens still showed the two bubble-trapped individuals, so the inhabitants of Engineer's room could watch very clearly as the kidde coaster's cars slammed into Steven's bubble. The bubble didn't break, obviously, but the kinetic force had to go somewhere. Without anything holding the bubble in place, it adhered to the most basic laws of motion and went flying. It was airborne for a scant few seconds before landing.

Into the Ocean.

At least fifty feet from the shore.

…

Silence reigned. Then slowly, almost comically, everyone turned to look at Garnet. The ebony Gem picked up everyone's looks with a bit less composure than normal. She swallowed to calm her oddly dry throat.

"Ah…" She said at length, "I believe…now would be an appropriate time to interfere."

After that, there was only the sound of a dozen individuals scrambling to the nearby teleporter.

* * *

Steven groaned as he pulled himself off of the bubble's 'floor'. Apparently, getting hit by a rollercoaster was _not_ , in fact, an effective way of breaking free from his magical bubble.

In all honesty, that was probably for the better. Steven admitted to himself that he wasn't really thinking through what would come _after_ breaking free from the bubble and facing high-powered cars rushing him at a rather high velocity. That didn't necessarily make him happy that both he and Connie were now stuck on the ocean's floor, though.

Connie!

The-half Gem beat down and offered a hand to the fallen Indian girl. She took it tentatively, allowing to Steven help pull her back up to her feet. Connie smoothed out her skirt and looked at Steven gratefully, "Thanks," She says. Her gaze drifts around the boy and to their surroundings. Connie's eyes widen as she beholds the hauntingly majestic environment that is the ocean floor, "Is this…where are we right now?" She asks Steven, looking slightly panicked.

"The bottom of the ocean," Steven said it as easily as one would say 'the sky is blue'. This did nothing to help Connie's nerves, as the Indian girl gasped at the confirmation. Steven starts as he realizes what he just did, "W-wait! It's okay!" He tries to placate the scared girl, holding his hands out in a calming gesture.

Connie calms down eventually, though not by much if her incensed expression is anything to go by, "Are we even _close_ to the shore?"

"Yeah, sure!" Steven says automatically, despite honestly not knowing one way or the other. But he had enough wherewithal to know that he should keep Connie calm. People made mistakes when they were scared, and he really didn't need any more mistakes to happen today.

Granted, a fair amount of those mistakes were due to his own judgement, but that was neither here nor there at the moment.

Connie fumed for a bit longer, then she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "Okay…" She says after a moment and her eyes have opened, "We should start rolling back to the beach then." The girl punctuates her statement by pressing against the edge of the bubble facing the shore and walking forward. A half-second later, Steven does the same, using his own inhuman strength for the better.

The two travel in silence for about ten seconds, one too focused on trying to get back to the relative safety of the shore and the other too worried/nervous about trying to instigate a conversation. Eventually, Steven gathers up what remains of his courage and speaks up, "It's a good thing this bubble is airtight," He starts off in an upbeat manner, trying to raise the oppressive atmosphere, "Otherwise, we'd probably be drowning right now. Ha ha ha ha…" Steven's nervous laughs trail off when he observes the haunted look on Connie's face, doubtlessly brought about by Steven's casual comment concerning about how close they were-and technically _still are_ -to their demise.

Steven resists the urge to slap himself in the forehead, but only just, _'Why?! Why would I say that?! She's obviously still terrified!'_ He thinks to himself. After a couple more seconds filled with Steven internally berating himself, the half-Gem backpedals on his previous comment and tries once again at conversation, "Don't worry Connie, I still have several ideas that could help us get out of this bubble. There's one that I think will _definitely_ work," He says confidently, completely oblivious of Connie's skeptical glance, "We just have to get back to shore and-"

"AAAAAAAH!"

Steven jumps at Connie's terrified scream and turns to face the Indian girl, "What?! What's wrong?" He asks. Connie however, is not forthcoming with an answer. Her head is turned upwards to look directly above them and-once again-she looks terrified out of her wits. Steven follows her gaze after a moment and looks upward as well. The half-Gem gasps in amazement.

"Woah…"

Floating-or a better choice of words would be swimming-above them is a long, brown creature that appeared to be a cross between a sea serpent and a worm. It's body was covered in a clear layer of skin that just appeared to be some sort of slime at first glance, but the five tendrils at the creature's 'head' were comprised of only the skin, meaning that the creature had some manner of control over them. Its brown body was speckled with blue and grey spots along its back. The creature's body appeared to have a uniform thickness except at two points, the tail-which tapered off into a thin, eel-like tail-and the head-which was rounder and more bulbous than the rest of the creature's body. As it drifted above the bubble, the children could clearly see into the creature's sucker-like mouth, which was filled with rows upon rows of jagged, razor-sharp teeth, the smallest of which was about the size of Connie's head. At the back of the creature's throat, there was a brightly glowing red gem with a nice pentagonal facet. This confirmed what Steven believed at the start-that the creature was actually a type of Gem monster and not a product of natural evolution, "A huge worm…" The half-Gem whispered in wonder as he watched the majestic-albeit twisted-creature pass them by.

Connie, however, had no knowledge of Gem creatures and instead focused on the huge mouth full of teeth perfect for tearing into flesh. With only a layer of a supposedly 'magic' bubble standing between her and the creature, Connie felt understandably terrified. _'Well,'_ The rational part of her mind said to her, _'This bubble has stood up against a harpoon gun and the force of rollercoaster cars. It must be pretty thick in order to sink to the bottom of the ocean, especially considering how much air is actually inside it. Whatever this thing is, it probably won't be able to break this bubble.'_ Were Connie a bit less frantic at the moment, this string of logic might've had a pretty good chance of calming her down entirely.

However, Connie's nerves had been stretched to the limit today and were in severe danger of finally snapping. As such, the emotional part of her mind completely drowned out the logical side with a burst of fear at the sight of seeing such a dangerous and strange creature. The girl shrieked once more and buried her head in her hands, trying to block out the creature from both sight and mind.

Steven turns to Connie at the sound of her cry and sets a reassuring hand on her shoulder, causing the girl to look back at him. The half-Gem's calm expression is slightly infectious, and Connie finds herself slightly less frightened as she watches him, "It's okay! Look-it only wants to eat that glowing stuff," Steven points towards to creature and Connie-after a brief moment of apprehension-turns to the worm once more. Indeed, the creature was snapping up strands of red-glowing seaweed that was waving in the current of the ocean. When the creature faced them, Connie's heart jumped into her throat, but it only glanced at them for a moment before it turned away in disinterest and resumed eating the seaweed. Connie let out a breath she had been holding and looked once more to Steven, who was now wearing a happy smile, "See? Not scary at all."

Connie had to admit, now that she knew the creature was apparently herbivorous-or at the very least omnivorous but not interested in a human meal-it became much less frightening. In fact, as she watched the creature swim in its strange patterns as it ate, Connie would go so far as to say the creature was…beautiful, in a sense. It had an air of grace and majesty that wasn't common among most animals of Earth. Connie stared at the creature in wide-eyed fascination as it finished its meal, expecting the creature to swim off in search of more food.

The worm, on the other hand, appeared to have different plans. It held its head high, let out a sound that seemed like a combination between a warbling cry and a vicious hiss, and dived into the ocean floor. It burrowed deeply, _'too deeply'_ , Connie thought when the tremors from the creature's digging spread out across the ocean floor. For a while, the girl had been wondering what the source of the strange tremors was. It appeared as though she finally had her answer. She _now_ wished to be as far away from the creature as possible.

Fate wasn't listening to her pleas, however, or she was merely feeling particularly spiteful today for whatever reason. One of the fissures created by the worm's burrowing spread across the ocean floor towards the bubble where Steven and Connie sat trapped. Even if they hadn't fallen on their rears from the tremors, they still had too little speed and maneuverability in their bubble to escape the fissure. So the two could only watch as the ground beneath them split apart, sending them and their ostensibly heavy bubble prison down even further. There was a brief feeling of weightlessness as they floated down, followed quickly by a very uncomfortable and sudden stop as their bubble hit the ground once more. Connie only had a moment to remark at how unpleasant the fall was when her thoughts were interrupted by the bottom of a sandal meeting her face.

Luckily for Connie, Steven had been walking on a pristine beach for most of the day, and the completely clean inside of a magical pink bubble for the rest. So there wasn't anything particularly nasty on the sole of the sandal. It was still very unpleasant, though, and a bit painful.

To Steven's credit, he quickly realized what he had unintentionally done after he got over his own aches and pains, "S-sorry!" He stammered out as he removed his foot from Connie's face. And not a moment too soon, if her muffled voice was any indication, "Are you alright?" Steven asked as he held out a hand to help the girl up. Connie ignored the offered help, however, and stood up under her own power. The oddly blank expression on Connie's face unnerved Steven, and he could feel how worried and scared she was. In typical Steven Universe fashion, he attempted to make like of the situation, "It's not so bad!" He said as he looked around at the dark rocky ravine they had fallen into, their only source of light the luminescent crystals and plants that grew from the rocky walls. Steven turned his gaze upward once again to determine how far they had fallen. The half-Gem's heart sank a bit when he saw how high up the sun was-apparently they had fallen a long way, "Uhh…It-it's okay! I-" Steven struggled to come up with a good excuse or plan to get them out.

But Connie had had enough.

"It's NOT okay!" She shouted, startling Steven with the sudden increase in volume. Connie opened her eyes and stared at the frightened boy with a glare that seemed more worried than angry, "You keep _saying_ that, but you don't have _any idea_ what's you're doing!" She stood up to her full height and held her shaking fists at her side. On a closer inspection, her whole body seemed to be trembling. She seemed to be running out of anger and moving quickly into despair; "Now we're going to suffocate or-worse!-starve at the bottom of the ocean. A-and only my parents will notice me missing because no one else cares about me!" Tears sprung to Connie's eyes when she brought that old wound up. She hadn't really meant to talk about that, but she was just getting overwhelmed with her emotions at the moment. Steven had taken quick notice of what she had said.

By now, the tears in Connie's eyes were threatening to spill out, and the young girl seemed to be having trouble keeping her voice from shaking, "I-I'm gonna disappear without ever making a single friend…" She finally managed to say, in a voice not much higher than a whisper. Once the words finally escaped her lips, Connie fell to her knees and held her face in her hands, sobbing. She wanted so bad to be able to blame this on Steven, but she just couldn't. The boy had saved her life from that falling rock with the bubble they were currently trapped in-a rock so large that it would've certainly killed her. Even though he couldn't make it go away, Steven had been nothing but helpful in trying to break them both free from it. True, his suggestions were getting a little extreme, and it was thanks to one that they were now stuck where they were, but to be fair, she didn't really have any ideas of her own. Magic? That was something that Connie had always dismissed as a fairy tale. Apparently it was real, however, and she had about as much of an idea to deal with it as Steven did. She probably had even _less_ of an idea, considering that Steven seemed so blasé about the bubble and giant monster.

It didn't really matter in the end who was to blame, though. And all Steven's efforts in saving her life seemed to get him was the chance to die alongside Connie at the ocean floor. At the very least, the two of them wouldn't die…alone…

Connie's train of thought derailed as a glowing pink light crept into the edges of her vision. Confused, the girl removed her hands from her eyes. She saw Steven's outstretched hand holding onto a very familiar-looking glowing bracelet.

"We could be friends."

Connie looked up. Steven was giving her a soft smile as he held the bracelet out to her. Despite the situation they were in, and what she had just said to him, she could see nothing but sincerity in the boy's eyes.

"I saw you at the boardwalk parade last year," He admitted to her, looking a bit sheepish as he said that, "You dropped your bracelet. I picked it up…but then I couldn't find you."

Connie wiped her eyes clear as she listened to Steven talk. She was a bit flattered, to be honest, that out of everyone at the parade that year, this boy had noticed her and cared enough to pick up what she had initially thought of as only a minor trinket. Steven apparently thought it held more meaning to her, as Connie soon learned.

The half-Gem took the bracelet in both of his hands and stared at it, "I saved it in the freezer, so it would last longer," Steven continued. He looked up at Connie after a moment, "In case I saw you again." He clarified.

And just like that, something clicked in Connie's mind. Something she had been wondering about since Steven had first protected her from that falling rock- _'Why does this kid look so familiar?'_

"Oh!" Connie exclaimed once the pieces came together, "You were the kid on the statue float!" Connie blinked as she realized something else, and she cracked a smile, "Didn't that purple woman toss you around a bit?"

"Hehe, yeah…" Steven said sheepishly as heat rose to his cheeks. The half-Gem rubbed his neck awkwardly, "Amethyst does get a little out of hand sometimes."

Remembering the boardwalk parade was a pretty happy time for Steven-it was one of his favorite recent memories, to be perfectly honest. A few weeks before the event itself, Steven had brought home a flyer for the parade, one that encouraged the support of any and all Beach City citizens willing to participate in the parade. Steven himself had been pretty ecstatic about it, and was dead-set on participating in the parade with a float of his own. He just wanted to run the idea past his family first, to see if they had any suggestions.

In their typical fashion, the mercenaries displayed a slightly concerning degree of enthusiasm for the idea, and set about pitching several possible parade floats. All of the mercenaries had their own ideas, some bordering on dangerous and several others being slightly more concerning-especially Soldier's idea for a blood-soaked battleground, euugh-but it was Spy who came up with the final product.

Why not build a float resembling something that had been a part of Beach City from the very moment it had been founded? Why not build a float in the visage of the Crystal Temple?

The others thought that idea was great, and Steven was especially excited since that meant that the Gems would also be finally participating in the event. Oh, they brought Steven to watch the parades on multiple occasions, but the Gems preferred to stay on the sidelines. Even Amethyst wasn't too big a fan of getting in the center of attention, at least as herself.

It took a lot of begging, pleading, haggling and every ounce of Steven's childish charms to convince the Gems to ride the float itself. Steven had asked the mercenaries to join them, but they had declined, saying that they were just fine with building the float itself. The human team of the Crystal Gems had been at Beach City for a generation, but the Gems themselves had been there for millennia. That honor was reserved to the Gems alone, they had said.

Also, there was a minor concern with the fact that the mercenaries were marginally more violent and unstable than the Gems, despite the progress they made to balance themselves out. Parading them around on a highly-visible float for all to see was probably a bit too self-serving for them, considering that some of them (Soldier) were technically criminals in a sense. Besides, the Gems were basically the superheroes of the squad, whereas the mercenaries were the more violent, less powerful anti-heroes of the equation. If the Gems were the equivalent of Superman, than the mercenaries were the equivalent of Deadpool, at least to the public.

And so it was that the Gems participated in one of Beach City's boardwalk parades, each of them perched upon a beautifully recreated model of the Crystal Temple's exterior. Heavy drove the truck carrying the float around while the three Gems plus Steven waved from the back. They were a little awkward at first-Pearl mostly-and a bit stiff-Garnet especially-but they eventually loosened up and became more comfortable with the proceedings. Even Pearl, who had not trouble with being admired so long as it wasn't only for her looks, admitted to having a great time.

Of course Amethyst, as always, got a little too excited from all the attention and decided to put on a bit of a show. She grabbed Steven and clambered to the top of the float-which would be the head of the statue. From there she tossed the half-Gem into the air a few times, which wouldn't have been particularly bad, per se, had Amethyst not been _trying_ to toss Steven. After the first two or three fifteen-foot falls Steven got into the rhythm a bit and had actually been enjoying himself. Garnet of course put a stop to it before it had gone too far and Pearl had reigned in her neuroticism for the duration of the parade, ensuring that there were no public spectacles. When the parade finally ended, Engineer activated a special secret function on the float. Hidden panels popped open and the statue graced the viewers with a miniature fireworks display, courtesy of Demoman's, Soldier's and Pyro's knowledge of pyrotechnics. The crowd-and Steven-loved it. Steven could say that it was one of the best memories of his young life, and in more ways than one.

Steven and Connie shared a few chuckles upon remembering the parade. The half-Gem then turned a bit serious as he looked to Connie once more, "I'm sorry, Connie," He finally said. Connie was confused, what on Earth did Steven have to apologize for? He didn't really do anything wrong. She became even more flustered when the boy took her small hand in his own large, gentle grasp, causing her to blush, "If I had just returned this to you back then…" Steven continued as he held Connie's arm out and placed the bracelet on her wrist, "You wouldn't be stuck in this bubble with me now." He finished, but let his hands linger.

Connie was certainly more nervous with the well-meaning contact, but she wasn't exactly put off by it. In fact, if she was being 100% honest with herself, she kind of enjoyed it.

"N-no no!" Connie stuttered out, holding up her bracelet-covered hand in a 'stop' motion, "It's okay! I'm having fun." She admitted with a happy smile. When Steven returned one of his own smiles, Connie relaxed. Steven was a little strange, no doubt about that, but she could definitely say that she enjoyed his company. Besides, didn't the kids at her school think she was weird? There was no reason why she couldn't be friends with Steven.

Sitting here in this bubble, cut off from the outside, Connie and Steven finally relaxed and took a nice, quiet moment in each other's company. It was adorable, really.

Then Steven's bubble burst, causing what remaining air to stream to the surface in a storm of bubbles and allowed a rush of water to completely submerge the two. Fate really seemed like she had it out for these two kids today.

Connie covered her mouth and screwed her eyes shut at the sudden rush of water. She had swallowed a bit of the seawater during the initial shock of losing the bubble, but not too much. Even so, the Indian girl struggled to fight the need to cough-that would just cause her to inhale more liquid, _'Of all the times for the thing to break, why now?!'_ Connie screamed inside of her mind, frustrated beyond belief that a real bonding moment between her and her newest friend had been interrupted by something else beyond their control.

Connie's eyes opened when she felt someone grabbing her wrist. Knowing that it could only be one person, she wasn't surprised to find Steven swimming just above her. The boy actually looked pretty well for being submerged as deep as they were. He raised his other arm and pointed above them; the message was clear, they had to swim up. Connie dropped her other arm from her mouth and used it, along with her legs, to push them both up to the surface. Steven, clad in his usual t-shirt and jeans had no trouble swimming, but Connie's thick dress and boots were slowing her down. The half-Gem pushed extra hard with his limbs to cover enough ground for both of them. Connie lungs burned, desperate for air and looking to expel what water had rushed in. It certainly didn't help that she was swimming faster than she even had before in her life. As she looked up, she could see the surface of the water coming closer and closer, until-

*SPLASH*

Connie sucked in a single lungful of air before her organs protested against the presence of water within them. She began coughing and hacking forcefully, almost to the point where it became painful for her to breathe. Steven wasn't wracked by coughs as she was, but from his groans he likely wasn't feeling any better than she was.

It took a few seconds before either of them managed to get their breathing under control. Once they had, there was a short bout of silence as the two processed what exactly had just happened. Then they looked at each other.

"Hehe…"

"Ha…"

Steven chuckled a bit as the danger passed, leaving only the humorous circumstances behind. His laughter having lost none of its infectivity, Connie soon found herself giggling a bit as well, though not as loudly. It seemed as though everything was going to be alright; they had escaped the bubble and swam all the way to the surface without any complications. It really was okay, as Steven had promised.

Then the water behind them started churning. There was an even greater splash as something surfaced and let out a hellish screech.

' _Oh right,'_ Connie thought in a brief moment of bliss, _'The giant worm. Of course.'_

A second later the danger of the situation hit her in full force, causing a predictable reaction from both her and Steven. The two children screamed and started swimming towards the shore. In response, the worm crashed back into the ocean, kicking up a great tidal wave that swept the children all the way back onto the beach. Though her muscles cried out in protest, Connie forced herself up and whipped around, searching for the worm. It was swimming towards them at a frighteningly quick pace, warbling and hissing like it was possessed. Connie did the only sensible thing and helped Steven back up onto his feet as well. She then began frantically pulling Steven back to the city, "Come on, come on!" Connie urges desperately, unwilling to let either of them end up as worm food. Steven quickly starts running under his own power. Even so, Connie hears the crazed hissing and mad splashing of the worm behind them, hot on their heels.

Trying not to think about what might happen if the worm catches them, Connie spots a large outcropping of rocks right next to the nearby wooden pier. She comes to a logical conclusion; "Hide in the rocks, Steven!" She cries, and goes to do just that.

Steven, meanwhile, had thought it better if they had split up. That way, he could draw the worm's attention away from Connie while the girl ran to safety. As he darted around one of the wooden, he heard Connie scream. The half-Gem looked back, fearing the worst.

There, on the rocks, was Connie. Right behind her was the open mouth of the Gem-worm creature, its feelers wriggling in anticipation of its next meal. With a degree of agility he hadn't seen from the young girl, Connie jumped away just as the worm snapped at her, narrowly avoiding its jagged maw. Even with her impressive dodge, the girl still looked scared out of her wits.

Steven wracked his brains for a reason as to why the worm had taken a sudden interest in them-he just couldn't figure it out, "Why is it chasing us now?!" He yelled out, hoping that something might provide an adequate answer. The only response he received was yet another furious hiss from the creature as it rose up and re-focused on Connie.

Wait…

Steven peered a bit closer at the worm. It wasn't looking directly at Connie, but instead slightly off to the left of her. The half-Gem tracked the worm's eyeless gaze and gasped when his vision focused on the very bracelet he had given Connie not two minutes ago.

"The bracelet!" Steven gasped as the worm's hostile actions finally made sense, "That's right, it eats bright stuff!" The boy sprinted towards Connie just as the girl came running towards him, "Connie!"

"Steven!" She replied. Steven ran around and looped behind her so that his path was now parallel to her own. He wasted no time in trying to get her free of danger, "Give me the bracelet!" He yells, struggling to be heard over the worm's cries and all of the noise its making.

"What?!" Connie yells back, clearly not understanding. But she still held out her arm and allowed Steven to draw the glowing bracelet off of her wrist. Once Steven has it in hand he raises it high above his head, making sure to grab the attention of the still-pursuing worm.

"It's okay!" He says, looking back to the worm instead of at her, "I've got this! Now go, go! Run that way!" Steven gives Connie a slight nudge to turn her away from his path. Of course, a slight nudge from Steven still felt like a two-handed shove, and Connie stumbled a bit before regaining her footing, "I'm sorry!" She hears Steven say, even as he sprints away from the homicidal worm.

Now unpursued, Connie freely makes her way out from underneath the pier and takes a moment to catch her breath. Once she feels well enough, she turns back to look at Steven to make sure he was still alright.

She really needn't have worried.

With such an incredible degree of agility and speed that belied his girth, Steven dodged, dove, leapt, darted and jumped around the worm's long body; the worm's fanged maw nipping at his heels. He seemed to be just a few steps ahead of the eldritch creature, as it had to slow down on the sharp turns. This luckily kept the creature off balance for Steven's plan to come into effect.

The creature-apparently not noticing or not particularly caring about the pattern Steven was running in-had somehow managed to tie itself up in knots wrapped around the pier's wooden supports. It shrieked, squirmed and struggled, but that only served to tighten the self-made knots in its body, keeping it trapped in place.

Steven, looking far more frightened than normal, leapt over a length of the worm that was tied to the posts ahead of him and skidded to a stop right next to Connie. The worm sprung forward, eager for a meal, only to stop just short of the children as its body pulled taut. It had run out of slack, and not a moment too soon. Furious, the worm shrieked and howled as it thrashed against its self-made bonds like a raving animal.

Without conscious effort, the two children reached to each other for support and grasped their hands together with an iron grip.

Heedless of the bond being formed in front of it, the worm continued to flail and struggle in an effort to move. It gave a particularly strong pull in one direction, causing one of the supports to snap from the sheer force. The worm felt its body relax as part of its length broke free and eagerly struck out again, making two more supports snap. Connie and Steven gasped and took a step back to start running once more.

But the other supports couldn't handle both the added weight from the lost columns and the force of the worm tugging on them as well. Like a chain reaction, the supports snapped one after the other until there was nothing holding the heavy wooden deck up. A large section of the pier and the jagged support columns collapsed upon the worm. With several tons of heavy, water-soaked wood slamming into its body as well as dozens of jagged beams piecing its gel-like hide, the worm's body quickly failed under the assault and burst into a huge cloud of pale dust. Steven and Connie, still too shocked for words, stood statue-still as the clouds rolled over them. A deathly silence hung in the air as nothing moved, save for the clouds of Gem dust that slowly began to dissipate.

"STEVEN!"

The young boy and girl performed an about-face when they heard the sound of twelve voices calling out. Sprinting across the beach towards them was a very familiar group of faces-more recognizable to Steven than to Connie. They stopped short when they noticed the collapsed pier and the clouds of dust that were slowly disappearing.

"Steven, what's going on?" Pearl said as she watched the clouds drift about, easily recognizing what exactly the dust was.

"Wot the bloody hell did you do?" Sniper asked incredulously as his gaze scanned the shattered section of the pier. His accent slipped in as his speech picked up.

Steven seemed unable to respond, still too unsettled from the worm's attack and subsequent death to even begin explaining what had just happened, "Uh…"

"He was _incredible!_ "

Steven whipped his head around at Connie's declaration, as did Steven's family. The Indian's girl's eyes were filled with diamonds, and her face showed nothing short of absolute amazement as she spoke.

"Huh?" Steven said, very much not expecting that sort of response from the girl, "R-really? You mean it?"

"Mmhmm!" Connie confirmed with a smile and nod.

Realizing that there was nothing to (currently) be worried about, the Gems and mercenaries relaxed. Which was for the best, because while none of them had their weapons out when they came down, (miraculous, I know) several of the mercs seemed ready to pull a gun if anyone looked at them funny. Connie's appraisal of Steven seemed to mollify them as well as the Gems, thankfully. Soldier jogged over and picked up the worm's Gem-which was thankfully unharmed-and began scrutinizing it.

Steven reached down and took Connie's hand once again, oblivious to the faint blush the girl displayed and the knowing grins some of the mercenaries shared, "Here's your bracelet," Steven said as he slid the glowing piece of jewelry over Connie's arm, "…again."

"Thanks." Connie replied, laughing at the boy's awkwardness. Now that she had it again, the young girl was definitely keeping it, as a memento of her first friend and the weird day they spent together. He really was a nice kid if he really had kept this thing in good condition just for her.

"Oof!"

Connie looked up at Steven's surprised huff, fully expecting him to be in danger once again. She stopped short when she processed the image in front of her. Steven was a couple feet off the ground, held in a crushing bear-like hug by a person (?) whose body was completely encased in some sort of fire retardant suit. As Connie continued to stare, she noticed that the suited person seemed to be crying, if the muffled, blubbery sounds that escaped its vocalizer could be counted as crying.

"Pyro!" Steven gasped out, obviously not getting in the air he needed to speak, "It's okay! I'm okay! We got that Gem monster, and we weren't even hurt!"

This only seemed to make the suited person hug Steven even tighter, if the boy's reddening face was any indication. Luckily, someone noticed the rough treatment Steven was getting, and moved in to stop it. A one-eyed man of African descent walked over and tapped the suited person on the shoulder, causing it to turn to him.

"Lad…er, lass…" The one-eyed man started, looking distinctly uncomfortable for some reason before shaking his head, "Don't ye think ye're holding on to Steven a bit tight there? Any longer and he'll turn blue."

Almost as if it hadn't noticed what it was doing, 'Pyro' looked back at Steven's face, which actually had turned an interesting shade of purple, despite the fact that Steven was still smiling-even if it was a little forced. Surprised, the suited person released Steven from its grip, allowing the boy to fall flat on his back and suck in some much needed air. Pyro blubbered a bit more through its rebreather as it tried to apologize to Steven, while the boy attempted to get enough air in his body to say its wasn't necessary.

"CADET!"

Connie cringed and held her hands up to her ears to block out that incredibly loud and brash voice. The girl looked around to find the source of that obnoxious yell, and soon discovered the cause when she spotted a man in a red military jacket and a bowl-like helmet covering his eyes stomped towards them. He stopped short and stood ramrod straight.

"Cadet!" He yelled again-thankfully at a lower volume-as he looked down at Steven. At least, it looked like he was looking at Steven to Connie, the man's obscured eyes made it a little difficult to see where he was looking. The man held out the large gemstone that came from the creature out to Steven, "Are you aware of what this is?" He said in a military-like address to Steven.

"Um…yeah!" Steven said after a moment, looking decidedly uncomfortable, "That's the gem that came from the big worm-guy!"

The loud helmeted man seemed satisfied by that answer, "Did you or did you NOT remove this troublesome, ugly maggot from our fair city?!"

"Uh, well I wouldn't call it ugly, really-"

" _Did you?!"_

"Er-! Yes, sir!" Steven said, saluting the man as best as possible.

"And were you or were you NOT completely unarmed and cut off from reinforcements while doing so? Thus forcing you to use the environment to your advantage in order to take down your enemy?!"

"Yes! I mean…no! I mean, uh…yes? Yes I was by myself and without weapons SIR!"

For several seconds, the man was silent. Steven shuffled uncomfortably under the man's gaze, but he didn't lower the hand he was saluting with. Connie noticed that the suited person and the one-eyed man seemed to be giving the helmeted man annoyed looks, one of them in spite of the fact that it had a mask completely obscuring its face. Then, the helmeted man crouched down to Steven's level and clapped a heavy hand on the boy's shoulder.

"I'm so proud of you!" He said, cracking a grin that reminded Connie of the few slasher flicks she had seen advertisements for, "Your first blooded enemy! And by only using your wit and physical prowess as well! Truly, you are going to grow up to be a fine warrior!"

Steven only looked increasingly comfortable as his helpless gaze shifted to Connie. Unsure of what exactly she was supposed to do, the girl merely shrugged in a similar helpless manner. Steven turned to look back at the helmeted man, "Um, Soldier-"

"Just imagine it, cadet!" 'Soldier' said, completely cutting Steven off as he held the hand that gripped the Gem up to the night sky, "Finally being able to join us on the battlefield! Surrounded on all sides by soulless robots and malformed maggots! The smell of fire and oil in the air!"

"Soldier I-"

"Then, you charge them! Taking them down, one by one, using everything in your arsenal until every rocket and bullet is fired!"

"Soldier-"

"And when those maggots think they've got you beat when you throw down your empty launcher, you pull out your trusty shovel and PROVE THOSE FOOLS WRONG!"

"Sol-"

"Finally, you'll stand atop a mountain of your defeated foes! Covered from head to toe in dust and oil! When you take the last, pathetic robot's head in your hands, see it plead for its pitiful life as it tries to claw away, you CRUSH IT WITH YOUR BARE-!"

 _*ffft*_

"-handsow!" Soldier yelped as a rather large syringe embedded itself in his neck. He stood stock-still for a moment, then tapped the needle with his hand and pulled it out to look at it.

He then fell face-first onto the sand, somehow with the helmet remaining on his head, dropped the gem and started snoring. Connie, Steven and Steven's two family members looked at the insensate Soldier.

"You'll have to excuse him," Piped up a new voice, this one with a German accent. Connie turned once more and spotted a fourth man-this one wearing a white doctor's coat and a pair of spectacles-walking towards them. In his hands was a strange-looking device, something that seemed to be capable of shooting needles. Connie didn't get a chance to examine it in depth as the doctor swiftly tucked it into his coat and out of sight. When Connie looked at him, the man's face was full of exasperation, "He's an idiot," The man finished, causing Steven to chuckle nervously. He then turned to the two other adults near them and snapped his fingers, "You two! Help me carry zhis _dummkopf_ back home."

The one-eyed man rolled his remaining eye, but walked over to the insensate Soldier and picked up one of the man's legs. His suited companion did the same, but without any visible complaint. They then began dragging Soldier away through the sand, with their doctor friend a few steps behind them. The doctor turned and gave Connie a toothless smile before turning back to the three others and barking orders at them.

Connie turned back to Steven, idly noticing that one of the three women had moved next to them and had picked up the red Gem, "Sooo…" She said, trying to find out where she should start, "…Friends of yours?"

Steven looked sheepish and rubbed his neck awkwardly, "Family, actually." He mumbled. Suddenly, Steven jumped once again when he felt someone grab onto his shoulders. He looked back at his new attacker-Amethyst-with an expression of surprise. The purple Gem merely looked past him and towards Connie, giving the boy a wry grin, "So, are you going to introduce us?"

"Uh…"

"Steven was so excited to meet you!" Pearl said in her melodic voice as she leaned down next to Steven, "Right, Steven?" She continues with a soft smile as she looks at Steven.

Connie noticed Steven's face grew a bit more red as he started nodding and chuckling awkwardly at her. It was kinda cute how embarrassed he was by his family.

"Hey!"

The third woman, the one Connie saw messing around with the Gem a moment ago, stepped up behind the two others. Connie watched, wide-eyed, as the third woman lifted the other two up by their cuffs, each in a separate hand, "Don't mess with his funky flow." She said before turning and walking off towards the other adults, who had congregated into a small group just down the beach.

For several seconds, there was peaceful silence as nothing else interrupted them. Then Connie turned and arched a brow at Steven, "Funky…flow?"

"Uhh…Ah, ha…ha ha ha…ugh…"

* * *

Not too far off from the two children, but far enough to be out of earshot, two figures watched as Steven squirmed a bit in embarrassment before attempting to deflect Connie's question.

Scout cringed at Steven's discomfort, but smiled all the same at the humor. He chuckled a bit, "Man, this is startin' to get a little painful to watch…"

Spy snorted without turning to look at the Bostonian, "As if you were any better at his age."

"Hey," Scout growled, pointing an accusing finger at the Frenchman, "I only eva' had trouble with the real 'classy' types. At his age, I had my own little posse of chicks following me around," A lightbulb seemed to pop over the runner's head as he thought of something and smirked, "Actually…maybe I could give the little guy a few pointers on how to woo this Connie girl."

Spy looked incredulously at his companion, "You? Giving relationship advice?"

"Yeah. Why? Ya' got a problem with 'dat?"

"Yes, I believe I do actually," Spy answered as he turned to face Scout fully, "You're a bit too…immature, when it comes to delicate matters such as this."

"Hey!"

"Truthfully, if Steven should come to anyone for advice, it would make sense for him to come to the one with the most experience with women." Spy said smugly as he puffed out his chest.

Scout arched his brow, "Engie? Well, I mean I _guess_ he can give some good advice-"

Spy deflated a bit, "What? No, not Engineer."

"Oh, you mean Heavy then? Dat actually makes some more sense, the guy did have three sisters, he probably knows what-"

"Not Heavy either."

Scout scratched his head as he thought, "…Medic then?"

"No you imbecile! Me!" Spy snarled as he pointed a finger at himself.

Scout blew a raspberry, "You? Please, I couldn't get half of your stupid-ass techniques right, but I still managed to get the attention of more than a few women on my own. 'Sides, Steven seems a little too young for some of your…er, 'seduction' methods." Scout said, miming air quotes.

"Well, at the very least I'm trying to do something more than simply get into a hapless young lady's pants like you constantly do!"

"Hey-!"

A deep rumble behind the two made them momentarily trail off. Slowly they turned ninety degrees. Behind them was a very large and very angry-looking Russian with his arms crossed over his chest. The man growled low in his throat as he stared at Spy and Scout. The two turned back to each other after a moment.

"Maybe we should let Steven figure this out on his own without making this more complicated than it needs to be."

"Yeah, dat sounds like a pretty good idea…"

* * *

 **A/N: SO! There we go. Nice canonical stories from the added perspectives of the mercenaries. Hopefully more plot in the nest chapter but no promises. Actually, these two chapters kinda followed the same format as Frybo and Together Breakfast, only slight changes to the canon due to their worldbuilding nature.**

 **Anyways, the reason I took a while to update this time was due to the college pressure I'm feeling. I'm starting some summer classes to get a nice head start on my coursework, but I've had to cram all this planning, packing, and emotional family junk into three or four weeks. This story kinda fell to the wayside as a result. I'm really sorry about that, but updates may take a bit longer than a month from now own since I have to get comfortable at my college. Not too much free time for storywriting, but I'll make time. I can't leave you guys hanging!**

 **On the lighter side, look at what material we've gotten in the time since the last update! We get to see the watermelon-Steven island. Malachite returns, then breaks apart. A certain orange puff falls into the underworld. Steven and our favorite green dorito travel to the center of the Earth to stop the cluster, and instead they end up bubbling the durn thing. Lapis stays at the barn, with an awesome backstory that will fit pretty well into my new canon, rooming with Peridork. Then, the Ruby episode.**

 **Oh, the Ruby episode.**

 _ **Oooooooooooh**_ **, the RUBY episode.**

 **Then Steven learns how to float. That's cool I guess.**

 **And then, hiatus. GOD** _ **DAMMIT**_ **-**

 **Deep breaths…Okay. Anyways, some good news!**

 **Team Universe is now one of the recommended crossover fics on Tvtropes! Big thanks to N8han11 for the recommendation! Woooo!**

… **..**

 **It means a lot to me…**

 **Now, to the reviews!**

 **darkromdemon: Thanks for the well wishes! The mercenaries will be routinely be developing new weapons and goodies as the story progresses, keep your eyes peeled!**

 **Potat0s0Verlord: ….** _ **Dark Wraiths…..**_ **Huh? Oh, I kinda went somewhere for a second…Anyways, sorry about the dry spell, and I can only hope this chapater is up to snuff!**

 **DragShot: You could've asked for another two-in-one chapter, so here you go. Garnet doesn't like it when people try to butt in on a relationship without getting asked for advice first. She'd put the two of them through a wall before letting Steven listen to their drivel. Thanks for the reading!**

 **Robute Gulliman: How about bimonthly updates? Hahahahaa…*crippling feeling of inadequacy* Your praise means a lot though, so thanks!**

 **Speerut: Yeah, this is kinda spoiler-y now that I think about it…but thanks for the support and I hope your friend enjoys my story as well!**

 **Arclight-Zero: Aw, stoppit you're making me blush….And Merasmus will become plot-critical later on. Thanks for the review and I hope you continue to enjoy my work!**

 **An abundance of squids: I always thought Merasmus was kind of a (if you'll pardon the pun) hidden gem. You could do a lot with his character, and it'd probably work out since he's as flexible as the mercs. He'll be important later on, so don't diss him so early. He might give you a super-sized head. Thank you for enjoying my story!**

 **aznalpha: Ah, the million-dollar question. My answer? No. I don't want to get too non-canon with the character's backstories or facts here, and since few names are confirmed, I just won't use their legal names, unless they have a confirmed identity. Even then, they'll be used sparingly.**

 **Jin Shirinue, Fagsworth, Frejamazing, SAK-96: Thank you all so much for your support and I can only hope that my continued work will still impress and entertain you!**

 **Liquid-Sapphire: I have to keep myself from thinking that far ahead yet, but only because I want those scenarios to happen** _ **sooo badly**_ **. It was actually some of those hypothetical scenes that this story spawned. Anyways, thanks for the support!**

 **That's all for now fellas, come by later for the next chapter on a (hopefully) better timetable!**

 ***sees reviews**holds up empty bowl***

 **Please, sir or madam, may I have another?**


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